Chapter Twenty-Two

"Are you sure you don't want to watch something else?"

Chad turned his head to reply, never taking his gaze off the TV screen. The DI had gone, resignation letter in hand, with a downbeat expression, and left Chad to settle his thoughts in the quiet. The laptops buzzed around him, and he'd collapsed at his own desk, logged into his laptop, and found a live-steam of the news.

"No. I'm good."

Ally sighed and stepped up behind him. She squeezed his shoulder. "You're not fine, and I doubt watching that is making you feel any better."

No. The news reports from outside his house didn't make him feel any better. His eyes burned from his intense glare, and he'd picked a big hole in the thin fabric over his knees.

"At least lean back," Ally said, trying to ease him into the chair.

Chad shook his head. "I can't."

Romeo was inside the house, and on the footage, he saw one of the forensic officers stepping through his front door. "Why do they even need to go inside? Lucy…" he swallowed. "She didn't even go in the house. It happened outside—"

"You know why," Ally said softly. "They're doing it by the book, documenting both your and Lucy's movements. Cases like this … self-defense cases have to be solid. You told the DI and the superintendent what happened and the evidence inside the house and in that field will back you up."

"I still don't like them in my house."

"I know."

"How long until they leave?"

Ally sighed again. "You know this, too. It can be over twenty-four hours for forensics to document and record everything, then they'll remove the evidence and … and Lucy."

The camera zoomed in on the white tent set up over Lucy's body. Forensic officers were going in and out, one armed with a camera.

"Did you…" Chad sucked in his bottom lip, and bit down before he could continue. He took a deep breath. "Did you see her?"

Josh had driven him and Merc to the station while Ally had remained behind.

"Yes…"

Chad turned to face her, but kept his gaze low, specifically on her hand still on his shoulder. She squeezed.

"And I know … whatever happened … Lucy didn't give you a choice."

"What if I did?"

"What?"

"What if I did have a choice."

Ally's hold on him tightened. "The other choice was death, Chad. She'd already killed James."

Just like that, the footage on the laptop switched from Chad's home to James's and the police cars parked outside. The white tent had been set up right on James's doorstep.

"She was there to kill you," Ally exhaled hard. "It was her or you."

Detective Fuller could've disarmed her. He could've restrained her. But Chad…

He rolled his fingertips against his forehead, but it didn't help with the ache. Pain throbbed behind his eyes, and he watched the footage through a squint.

"I just want them out of my house."

The incident door screeched as it opened. Chad assumed the DI had returned after dropping Chad's resignation on his superior's desk. Chad had signed. The DI had signed. It had been wordless, and neither of them had been able to meet the other's eye.

"Hey," Josh said quietly.

Chad stilled at the gentle pad of feet. Four of them. He reached for Merc without looking, and found his hand thoroughly licked by a warm tongue. When Chad breathed in deep, his nose twitched at the scent of clean soap.

He looked down at Merc. "You … you washed him?"

Josh nodded. "Couldn't have him wandering around with blood all—"

Ally elbowed Josh, and his mouth snapped shut.

Josh cleared his throat, before trying again. "He needed a wash, so I took him back to mine." He looked down fondly at Merc. "He loves the shower."

"You put him in the shower?"

"Yeah. He was biting the spray and getting quite angry about it."

Chad's lips twitched with a smile, but it didn't last.

"I brought you this, too." Josh threw a hoodie his way. "I thought you'd rather wear something of mine, than the clothes of a crimi—ouch!"

Ally eyeballed Josh with wide eyes.

"I just … you know, those clothes are uncomfortable, and they stink."

"Thanks," Chad said, gripping the bottom of the grey sweatshirt. He pulled it over his head and set it to one side. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Josh inhale sharply at the sight of his bare chest. Chad didn't hurry to cover his scars like he once had, but he punched his arms into Josh's hoodie, sighing at the soft material against his skin as he slipped it down.

"I didn't think about bottoms." Josh admitted. "But I'm a few sizes bigger than you, doubt I'd have anything that fit."

"It's okay," Chad said. "I wouldn't want my trousers falling down—that would take my bad day to a complete catastrophe."

Josh didn't know where to look, but Ally laughed darkly and rubbed her hand against Chad's back. He leaned away from her touch.

"I'm not coming back from this."

Ally stiffened. She shared a worried glance with Josh. "What do you mean?"

"This," Chad gestured to the incident room, to each of their desks, then the DI's office door. "It's over."

"It's not," Ally said. She moved to perch on Chad's desk. "It wasn't your—"

"I resigned."

Josh took a step back. "What?"

"The DI won't accept it," Ally scoffed. "There's no way he'll bend to public pressure like that. He knows you—"

"He agreed it was for the best. And it's not the public pressure he's worried about. It is the internal pressure."

"Internal pressure?" Josh asked.

"From other stations, and other officers."

Ally shook her head. "You're talking about the superintendent from Alborough."

"My actions got a police officer killed."

"Chad—"

"It's true, Ally. I made Lucy suspicious of James. I broke her trust. If I'd … if I'd have handled this differently James would still be alive. Lucy would still be alive. I can't come back from this, and the DI knows it."

"This is bullshit." Josh shook his head. "I don't want you to leave."

"It's not all bad," Chad attempted a smile. "I've got a business to fall back on. A dog finger licking service in the mall remember?"

"It's not funny," Josh said.

His blue eyes were hard and glassy. Chad couldn't keep looking at them.

"The fall out for all this…" Chad took a deep breath. "It's going to be huge. The press, the public, the police … I'm going to be enemy number one. Again. I don't want you to be dragged into that," he waved his hand between them without making eye contact, "either of you."

Ally folded her arms. "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying we were work friends, and now I no longer work with you, so…"

"You don't want us to be friends." Ally finished.

"It's better if you're not associated with me."

Ally filled up on a deep breath. "Sometimes Josh irritates the hell out of me, and I want to clip him around the ear, but never in my life have I wanted to punch someone as much as I want to punch you now." She turned to Josh. "You might have to hold me back."

"Hold you back?" Josh huffed. "You can get in the damn line because I'm pulling back my swing to knock him the fuck out."

Chad closed his eyes. He gripped the bottom of his seat and rocked forward and back. "I know what's coming. It's a storm gathering speed. I can practically see it on the horizon and hear it in my head, and I don't want you two caught up in it. I don't want either of you to be punished just for knowing me. I don't want your names to be dragged through the mud, your lives to be ripped opened and spread as gossip in the papers, bricks to me thrown through your windows and people to spit at you in the street. I know how this goes, remember?"

"I don't care," Josh snapped. "I don't care about any of that."

"You should!"

"Well, I don't!"

Ally slipped from the desk and pressed her hand to Josh's chest. She forced him back a step.

"You are my friend," Josh said fiercely, "and that's not going to change. Nothing is going to change that, and I won't let you push me away."

"But—"

"No, Chad. If things are going to get as bad as you think they will, you're going to need us. Both of us."

Josh looked to Ally who nodded back.

"You don't get rid of us that easy," Josh finished.

Ally squeezed Chad's shoulder again, but Josh went one better, giving Chad a bear hug from behind.

"I don't deserve you guys."

"Nonsense," Ally snapped. "Now," she pressed down the laptop lid despite Chad's protest, "you need to get out of here."

"I can't go home yet."

"No, you're coming back to mine."

"What?"

Ally raised an eyebrow. "You heard. You and that mutt."

"He's called Merc," Josh said, affronted.

"Wasn't talking about Merc." Ally smiled. "But he's invited, too."

Chad shook his head. "I can't go to yours."

"Well, you sure as hell can't go back to your place at the moment, and you can't stay here."

"What if—"

"I'll tell the DI where you are in case he needs to ask you any more questions, but you need time to process everything, and staring at the news until your eyes bleed isn't doing you any good."

Josh reached down to pat Merc. "We're ordering pizza, though."

Ally narrowed her eyes. "Why? I'm a good cook?"

"And I'm sure during the blitz you were—ouch."

Josh rubbed his side. "Again, woman?"

"Insult me you get a slap," she pointed a finger at Chad. "Try to terminate our friendship and it's a punch, understand?"

Chad nodded. "I understand."

****

Chad didn't sleep. Ally had retreated to her bedroom at midnight after complaining of a sore throat, leaving Chad and Josh in her living room. She'd told them several times there were spare beds made upstairs for them, but they didn't leave the comfort of the sofas, and the flickering gas fire.

Before she left, she pressed a note into Chad's palm with a number for Doctor Blake. He opened his mouth to protest, but one firm look and he backed down and slipped the phone number into Josh's hoodie.

Despite the threatening notices on the door warning away cold callers with the promise of a vicious dog, Ally's house had a homely feel. The sofas were deep and squidgy with blankets layered on them. Tall lamps in each corner gave the room a gentle glow, soothing Chad's irritated eyes. His headache remained, though, throbbing as he watched the flickering fire Ally had left on.

Josh had sprawled over the adjacent sofa, burrowing into an array of faux fur blankets. Merc lay on top of him, dribbling onto Josh's chest. They breathed in time with each other, except Josh had more of a wheeze to his breaths and Merc a soft growl.

Chad didn't sleep.

He couldn't.

For hours he lay staring at the fire until the sun started to rise and he couldn't take waiting anymore.

Chad sat up, waking Merc from his slumber.

"It's okay," he whispered, as he crept into Ally's hallway.

There were pictures of Ally and her husband's wedding day on the walls. She'd worn a black wedding dress, and he'd worn a white suit. They both had huge smiles.

Chad whispered into the phone as he called himself a taxi. He knew Ally would have something to say about him sneaking off in the early hours, but he couldn't wait any longer.

The need to text Romeo had almost been too much, but Chad didn't want to risk him being discovered. Even on silent, he had visions of Romeo fumbling with his phone, dropping it on the floor, and being found upstairs by a suspicious officer.

The taxi ride passed in a blur, and Chad paid with his phone, then stepped out onto the dirt road. A police car was waiting. He greeted the officers, and they shot him grim smiles back. They pitied him. They pitied what had happened. It wouldn't last, though. As soon as the internal investigation into what went wrong started, they'd hate him. They'd all hate him.

"Is everything…" He gestured to the house. He couldn't say any more.

The officer in the driver's seat nodded. He sat up from his reclined position, and from the lack of focus in his gaze, messy hair, and the yawn he'd smothered with the back of his hand, Chad knew he'd been asleep.

"Yes," he smiled weakly. "The crime scene cleaner will be along later."

"Am I allowed back in the house?"

The officer nodded. "It's as you left it. We're going to stay out here a few hours, keep the press from trespassing on your property. There's been some drones flying overhead, just thought I'd warn you."

Chad glanced at the sky. "Thanks."

He walked on, not too quick, not too slow. No doubt the officers were watching him in their rear-view mirror. Chad didn't want to give anything away.

Blue police tape flapped in the wind as he approached. It had been tied around posts, cordoning off the area, but they had fallen into the mud. Lucy's truck had been recovered, leaving behind marks on the drive where she'd slammed on the brakes. The white tent had been taken away. Lucy was gone, but still, Chad didn't let his gaze linger on that side of the house.

One of the officers had duct taped carboard on the smashed window, keeping out the breeze. It was thoughtful, but whoever it was would curse themselves for showing Chad any compassion in a few days' time. Cop killers were considered the worst of the worst, and although Chad hadn't pulled the trigger, he'd pushed Lucy in James's direction.

He eased the door open, slowly stepping inside. The lights were all off. They had to be to avoid suspicion. Chad flicked the hall light on. He didn't speak Romeo's name as he climbed the stairs. Chad didn't know why he was tiptoeing, or why his heart was in his throat.

He got to his and Romeo's bedroom door. It was shut. Chad hesitated before whispering against it, "It's me."

He opened the door, and reached to switch on the light. Romeo was on the bed, white t-shirt flecked with dried blood. Chad's eyes snapped to the bandage around his arm, crisp white, no blood seeped through.

The relief almost floored him.

"Romeo?" Chad stepped into the room. "Your arm."

He wanted to rush to him, take his arm in his hands and inspect the damage, but something was off.

Romeo didn't raise his head. "It's fine. A few scratches."

"They were holes."

"I got the biggest bits out with some tweezers, cleaned it up."

Chad grimaced. He moved to the bed, and reached for Romeo, but found his hand pushed away. His thumping heart picked up pace.

"Romeo—"

"They didn't come upstairs." Romeo said. "I hid under the bed just in case, but they didn't come up."

"Good," Chad fidgeted, not sure how to handle this Romeo. "I was so scared they'd find you."

"They didn't."

Romeo's shoulders were up. His neck muscles were pulled taut, and he kept flexing his hands into fists. Chad tried to reach for him again, but Romeo shuffled up the bed until he leaned against the bedrest.

"How bad was it?" he asked.

Chad took a deep breath, perched on the edge of the bed, then told Romeo everything. Romeo worked his jaw back and forth as he listened, staring at the ceiling. The lack of eye contact unnerved Chad to the point he stopped recounting everything that had happened at the station and fell silent. He could hear his heart pounding, and wondered if Romeo heard it, too.

They didn't speak. The minutes went by impossibly slowly. Chad found a stray thread from the duvet and wrapped it around his fingers until it cut his circulation. The tip of his finger turned blue.

"I'm sorry." Romeo said.

Chad startled, and the thread snapped.

"For what?" He frowned. "You don't need to—"

"I thought I could keep you safe from Vincent. I thought we could beat him." He cracked his knuckles. "Christ, Chad, she … she could've killed you."

"You pushed me out the way."

"Barely. I told you to leave the house, and she was waiting. I led you straight to her, and him, Vincent, I sent you back to him, too."

"I'm okay."

"Well, I'm not."

Chad glanced at the bandage. "I know."

Romeo lifted his arm. "I'm not talking about this. They've taken the detective from you," He closed his eyes. "I've taken him from you."

"No. I chose you," Chad whispered, "I chose us."

"You shouldn't have had to choose. You were supposed to have both. I didn't want to take that away from you."

"You didn't," Chad promised. "Did you know police officers have to take an oath? Doesn't matter the rank or the position, we all have to take it, the same one, and I remember such pride when I spoke the words. I meant them. I'd honor those words until I died. I broke that oath a long time ago."

He crawled over before straddling Romeo's legs. Romeo refused to look at him. He kept his hands fisted at his side while he tensed and relaxed his jaw.

"Wanting you was wrong, selfish, and it's against everything the detective stood for, but I told myself it could work, I could do both. I could break the law and upkeep it at the same time. I could be honorable in public but dishonorable in private. I could be … two different people, but yesterday, I killed someone for us."

"She had a gun," Romeo said through gritted teeth. His eyes met Chad's for a split second before he closed them again. "You had no choice."

"I did have a choice. The detective, he could've taken the gun from her, restrained her, waited for the police to arrive, but she would've told everyone about you—about us. We'd have lost everything, and maybe that part of me thought it was just, a fitting end to us, but the other part, the part that is yours couldn't accept that. I chose to kill her to protect what we have. I didn't just kill Lucy. I killed that part of me, too."

"You should never have been in that position," Romeo snapped.

"But I was, and I regret a lot of what happened during these past two weeks, but I don't regret that choice. I'll never regret it, no matter how uncomfortable knowing what I did makes me feel." He leaned over, and brushed his thumbs over Romeo's cheeks as he cupped his face. "But please, don't punish me for choosing you, for choosing us."

"Punish you?" Romeo breathed. He opened his eyes. "I'm not—"

"You're angry—"

"Not at you, Chad. I'm angry at myself, at Vincent, at Lucy, and I can't do anything about them. They're dead. But me…"

"You can only punish yourself by punishing me."

"What?"

"When you saw me in the doorway just then, did you really want to look at the floor instead of at me? Did you really want to push me away instead of taking my hand? Did you really want to distance yourself from me by moving up the bed."

"Rather than protect you from it, I pushed you deeper into his game. I thought we could outwit him, I thought we could prove he didn't kill Harriet."

"And you were right, he didn't—"

"But at what cost? I've taken something from you that I can't give back."

"I don't want it back! I choose you, Romeo Knight." Chad scrunched his fingers into Romeo's t-shirt. "And I don't blame you for anything that happened. It's only because of you I'm still here right now, and not bagged and tagged in some morgue."

"Don't—"

"You didn't hurt me—but you are hurting me now. This," he ran his gaze up and down Romeo, "you're holding yourself back from me. It hurts."

"I'm not trying to hurt you—I'm just angry at myself, at the situation, and I've got no idea how to make this right."

"The next few days, weeks, months," Chad shook his head, "I don't know what's going to happen, but it's going to be bad. You can't do this."

"Do what?"

"Close yourself off from me. Pull away. Leave me on my own. I need you, Romeo, if I'm going to survive this, I need you."

"Survive… What do you mean survive?"

"It was just—"

"You're not allowed to die," Romeo growled softly. His eyes darkened, and his hands flew to Chad's thighs. He gripped hard enough to bruise, but Chad sighed in relief that Romeo was finally touching him, no matter how rough. "Promise me."

"Promise you what?" Chad asked.

"You won't die. I couldn't bear it."

Chad shook his head. "Everyone has to die."

Romeo sat up, flinging Chad back. Strong arms caught him before he hit the mattress. Romeo pulled him in, pinning Chad to his chest. "Not for a long, long time," he said close to Chad's lips. "And it's together. We die together."

Chad leaned in to kiss Romeo's mouth.

Romeo moved away. "Promise me when the time comes, it'll be together?"

"I promise," Chad said, "And you … you need to promise me something to."

"What?"

"Promise you'll stop holding back. Stop … this, because you are not distant, you are not cold to me, you don't turn from my kiss, or shuffle up the bed to get away from me. You said you are not sure whether you can trust that other part with me yet, but what about this part, what about Romeo, because it's not the monster that's hurting me right now, it's not him that's scaring me, it's you."

Romeo's arms coiled around Chad, holding him on his lap. "I'm sorry," he breathed. His eyebrows dipped and twitched. "Just … tell me what you need and I'll do it."

"I need you to tell me you love me. I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay and to believe it yourself. For you to be happy that I chose us, like I always said I would."

Romeo nodded, almost frantically, before pressing his lips to Chad's. He didn't tell Chad anything, not with words, but with his harsh grip and his brutal kiss.

They'd lost against Vincent Whitehall, but they were far from down and out.