Chapter 10

Monday morning comes all too soon.The soothing sounds of a folksy guitar flow from my phone where it rests in my hand, crooning out words to a song I’ve never heard before. Promise that I”ll make you feel like we”re on a Ferris wheel… I smile down at the screen, lifting it to my ear as I finish packing my bag for the day.

“When did you even have my phone?” I say in lieu of a greeting.

“Fear my incredible spy skills,” I can hear his smile. “Want to grab breakfast before school?”

“Yes please,” I grimace. “A taquito is calling my name… What do you think they pump into the air there, that makes my head hurt like this?”

“Pheromones, secondhand smoke, gas fumes… But I’d say that death trap disguised as a roller coaster you dragged me onto didn’t help.”

“Bah,” I laugh. “You didn’t die.”

“It was close. Get ready, I’ll be there in a sec.”

“Roger!”

I slip the phone into my pocket and hurry downstairs, slowing to smile at Beth where she sits at the kitchen island with a bowl of cereal. She holds a spoon in one hand and texts with the other. I kiss the top of her head and steal a swig of juice from her glass on my way to the fridge to grab my lunch.

“Can I ride with you and Casey today?”

“I”m riding with Cam,” I answer as I pour ice into my water bottle. “But I’m sure you can join if you want!”

“Oh,” she gives me an odd look. “No never mind, that’s okay… While sitting between two sweaty football players might fit into the fantasy of most of the girls on the squad, three of us on that bench seat is super uncomfortable. Plus, the stick shift is right in the middle.”

“‘Kay,” I smile at her as Glory pulls in front of the house. “See you later!”

“Later,” she replies, distracted with her phone again.

As I made it to the truck my phone dings, and I glance down to see Casey’s name at the top of my screen. I hop in and buckle it up before opening the message file.

Want to ride to school together?

Cam and I are on the way

K

Can we get coffee after school?

Just you and me.

I need to talk to you about something.

“Morning,” Cam glances over. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I smile at him. “Just texting Casey.”

Sounds good! I can meet you at the locker rooms after the bell ??

We lumber down the road to the comforting glow of an orange roof. When we reach the high school Camden parks near the front door and we sit and eat our breakfast, watching our classmates stream past us. I see Casey pull in and crumple my trash into the bag, tapping Camden’s arm with the back of my hand.

“I’m going to go say hey,” I grin. “Thanks for breakfast! I’ll see you in Galway’s class.”

“All damn day,” he pretends to grumble.

I slip out of the car and hurry to catch up to Casey. I stand to her right and behind her, reaching to tap on her left shoulder. She glances to the left and then the right, smiling despite herself when she sees me.

“Good morning, beautiful!” I fall into step beside her.

“Good morning,” she says, looking tired.

“Did you have fun last night?” I raise my backpack higher onto my shoulders.

“Yeah, last night was fun.”

“Good,” I smile. “I’m glad we went.”

“Yeah?” She casts me a quick look that I have a hard time interpreting. “I guess I am, too. I’ve gotta go by the office before class,” she pauses in the hall. “I’ll see you after school?”

“Yes ma’am.” She turns to open the glass door and I continue on with the flow of the crowd. I”m halfway to homeroom before I realize she didn”t try for a kiss goodbye.

I leanagainst the lockers in the hall outside of the cheerleader’s locker room, swiping through my phone and hoping I don’t look like a creeper. I smile and nod to the girls as they pass, and when Casey comes out I wave and step away from the wall.

“Hey Case,” I tuck my phone into my pocket. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah sure,” she half smiles, hands in her pockets as she starts down the hall to the stairs.

“Where did you want to go?” I ask as I hold the door open for her downstairs. “Inkwell Cafe? I know you like their matcha.”

“Yeah, cool… That sounds good.”

She quickly turns around and walks briskly to the car.

What’s up with her? That was weird, right?

I shrug and follow. The car ride to the coffee shop feels weird, and much more tense than usual. I glance at Casey, trying to read her expression, but other than the feeling that something is off she”s giving nothing away. We make it to the coffee shop and order at the counter, taking a seat in the corner.

“How was your day?” I ask.

“It’s been okay,” she shrugs. “Algebra test.”

“Which you probably aced!”

“Let’s hope so,” she smiles. “How about yours?”

“Pretty good,” I smile and sip on my drink. “Cam and I have been competing for scores on those quizzes in physics, and I finally beat him today. It won’t last, but it’ll be fun to rub it in his face for at least a couple of days.”

“That’s good,” she swirls her straw through her glass. “Hey um, I wanted to talk about something.”

“Oh okay, sure! Is everything okay?”

“Well… I mean, yes. I wanted to talk to you, it seems like there’s been some… distance lately? Between us.”

“Distance?” I frown. “We see each other all the time, we were just together at the fair!”

“Right,” she looks at the ceiling. “But, like… at the fair.”

From its place on the table, my phone begins to ring. Promise that I”ll make you feel like we”re on a Ferris wheel… Casey’s eyes shoot to the screen, and her mouth sets in a tense line.

“Sorry,” I mutter, rejecting the call. “Case, I thought you said you had fun at the fair?”

“Elliot,” she folds her arms. “What’s my ringtone?”

“Huh?” My brows furrow. “Ringtone?”

“On your phone.” She nods towards the table. “Who was that that just called you?”

“Camden?”

“Okay, and you know that by his ringtone. So what’s my ringtone?”

“Just the regular one, I guess?”

“Exactly.” She takes a long pull of her matcha latte.

“Casey, I don’t set ringtones… Cam does that on his own, it’s like… I don’t know, his thing he does.”

“Okay,” she raises an eyebrow. “What would you pick as my ringtone?”

“Uh,” I rub the back of my neck. “I don’t know… Dolly Parton, 9 to 5?”

“Why?” She frowns.

“Because it’s your favorite song, Case… it makes me think of you.”

“But it doesn’t make you think of us, does it?”

“Well… no. But so what?” The confusion must be plain on my face. My cell starts ringing again, and I wince. “Let me just text him,” I mutter as I swipe up to the messaging app. “I didn’t tell him we were going out, he probably just wants to make sure I don’t need a ride.”

“Elliot!”

“Just a second, we rode together to school, so,” I shrug as I type. “It’ll just take a second.”

“You can’t even pay attention to me long enough for me to break up with you!”

The phone slips to the table. I look up at Casey, my jaw hanging open slightly.

“Break up? You’re breaking up with me..?”

“Yeah,” she looks down at her drink. “I think I am… Elliot, you’re one of my best friends. But I’m not totally sure you see me as more than that.”

“Case!” I flounder to find the words I want to say. “We’ve been together for almost two years.”

“Exactly!” She frowns. “We’ve been together for two years! Most days I feel like I’m a third wheel to you and your best friend, and I feel like the evil villain with a mustache trying to trick the innocent maiden into more than a chaste kiss!” She blushes, and I feel my stomach drop.

“Is that… that’s what this is about? Casey, I… I’m sorry, I just… I don’t know if I’m ready to have–”

“No, I know.” She reaches out and places a hand over mine where it rests on the table. “And this isn’t just, like… because of the sex thing.” She blushes further. “We’re great as friends. But I don’t think you really want to be more than that. And I can’t do that anymore.” For the first time since we got to the coffee shop, she looks me directly in the eyes. “Last night, I saw you up at the top of the Ferris wheel. And I just had this moment, of like, that should be me up there with you.”

“I would have gone up with you,” I know I sound desperate. “If you told me you wanted to!”

“But that’s the thing, Elliot… I don’t want to have to tell you. I want you to be with me up there on that Ferris wheel because you can’t imagine being there with anyone else. I guess that isn’t who I am for you… and I just can’t keep coming in second place.”

“I… don’t know what to say, Case.”

“I’m sorry…” We sit there, quietly drinking from our glasses. “I didn’t know if I was actually going to break up with you,” she offers softly after a while.

“Okay,” I search her face for any sign of regret, but I find none.

We finish our drinks, deep inside our own thoughts. By some silent agreement, we make our way out of the coffee shop and to the Jeep. I go around and open the door for her, leaning against the open frame with my arms crossed loosely.

“So,” I clear my throat. “What happens now?”

“I’m going to need a minute,” she taps a quick rhythm on the steering wheel. “But then we’ll go back to being just friends.”

“I love you, Casey.”

“I know you do,” she gives me a sad smile. “But it’s not the same way I love you.”

I close her door gently before stepping back onto the sidewalk and raising a hand as she starts her car and drives away. My hands slip into my pockets as I begin the short walk from Main Street to my neighborhood. As I near home I pull my phone out to text Camden.

So… Casey broke up with me.

Three dots appear on my screen, then go away. They do this again before a reply appears in the log.

Oh, man… Are you okay?

Mostly off-kilter right now… come over?

I watch as the message status turns to read. The dots do their dance again, for longer than before, before a message that seems too short to have required that much planning comes through.

Can’t right now…

I’m sorry.

It’s okay ????

I look to the sky as I walk, processing everything.

What do I feel? Shouldn’t I feel sad?

I’m surprised to find that emotion is mostly absent. I’m confused, I thought things were fine with me and Casey. I didn’t see this coming… and while I’m not devastated about the breakup, my chest tightens when I start to analyze why that is. Music filters in from the kitchen as I slip in the front door and make my way upstairs to my room.

“Sweetie?” my mom’s voice stops me. “I just made some cookies, want to come in here and try one?”

“I”m okay,” I duck my head and walk faster, calling over my shoulder. “Thank you though.”

In my room I drop my backpack next to the dresser and lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Waiting for the shock to wear off, to be hit with an overwhelming sadness, I begin to wonder… Was Casey maybe right? I frown. I hear a knock at the door and turn to find mom holding a plate of cookies and a glass of milk, a gentle smile on her face as she raises them in offering. I turn back to the ceiling and sigh.

“Casey told Beth.”

“Casey told Beth,” she agrees as she comes to sit on the end of the bed.

“Why did Beth tell you?” my brows furrow.

“Because she loves you, and she was worried you’d be sad.”

“Yeah,” I sit up. “I should be sad, right? After my first breakup?”

“Well,” we both take a warm cookie from the plate she sets between us. “It’s okay to be sad, but it’s okay not to be, too.” She watches me as we eat. “You doing okay?”

“I guess so…” my mouth twists to the side. “I don’t know. She said I didn’t love her like she loves me. That she feels like she isn’t my first choice, and that I don’t really see her as a girlfriend. And, like… She’s wrong.” I frown. “I think she’s wrong… But then, I don’t feel sad that she broke up with me.”

“Oh?”

“Like… I’m sad that I made Casey feel upset. She’s my friend, and I love her so much, and it makes me feel awful that I made her feel like she isn’t my priority…”

“Made her feel like she wasn’t your priority,” mom gives me a look, “or didn’t make her your priority?”

I stare at her for a moment. She raises an eyebrow at me, demanding an answer.

“Aren’t you supposed to be here to make me feel better?”

“Nope. That’s what the cookies are for.” she reaches over and pulls me in to kiss the side of my head. “My job is to make sure you grow into a decent human being… An accountable human being.”

“It is possible,” I grumble as I bite into a cookie, “that she has a point.” I reflect in silence as we snack. Mom sits with me, not pushing for anything. “I never actually asked her out, you know? Like, I asked her to homecoming, and we were friends, and she kind of started referring to me as her boyfriend and I didn’t mind that.” She nods encouragingly. “And I love being with her and going places with her. But I guess maybe I’ve not been the best boyfriend… She wanted to have sex.” Mom chokes on the milk she’s just taken a drink of.

“Elliot!” she gasps, flustered and blushing.

“I said no!” I blush.

“It’s okay,” she puts a hand to her chest as she recovers. “Those are… perfectly normal urges to have. I just wasn’t ready for you to say that.”

“Yeah, well…” I stare at the cookie in my hand. “I wasn’t ready either. I didn’t, uh, feel like I wanted that.”

“Okay,” I can almost see her thinking through a response that won’t scar me for life. “Well, that’s perfectly normal too.”

“No, it isn’t, mom.”

“Of course it is!” she frowns. “You don’t need to feel like you have to jump into… a physical relationship… just because some of your peers do. Sweetheart, when the time is right, with the right person, you will know. It might be when you’re twenty-five and married,” she shrugs dramatically and I roll my eyes with a smile. “Or it might not be. But either way, I am very proud of you for recognizing that you weren’t ready, and sticking to that.”

“Thanks,” I reply blandly.

“Your dad and I were seventeen,” she offers helpfully.

“Oh-kay, wonderful, I think we can be done here.”

“We weren’t even officially dating,” she grins. “I’d just broken up with the high school quarterback, Matthew Renner.”

“You can leave now. Thank you for the talk.”

“But things felt so right, like they were meant to be, and when he offered to give me a ride home from that party I knew I wanted to take him up on it.”

“I think I need to go for a run.” I jump off the bed.

“So I suggested we take the scenic route home, I knew this great spot we could sit and just listen to the lake for a little bit…”

“I’ll send you my bill for therapy!” I call over my shoulder as I dart into the hall. Her laugh follows me down the stairs and to the front door.

I start off down the road and instantly regret it. The air is thick with the threat of rain, the heat made worse by the humidity and lack of wind. I drag breath into my lungs, trying to get in a rhythm, disgusted to find beads of sweat are already gathering on my neck. I squint against the bright sun as I even my breathing and set a steady pace up the street. I take an erratic route, following the shade of my neighbors” fences more than a defined path.

I slow to a jog as I round a corner, peeling my shirt off and tying it around my head to block some of the sun. The rest of the shirt covers my shoulders as I start off again. I make it up the hill and take the block to start downhill, breathing a sigh of relief as I cross to Camden’s house and come to a stop under his wide Oak tree, taking a break in the shade of its canopy. My butt rests on the trunk, supporting me as I rest my hands on my knees and focus on taking slow deep breaths.

Jesus, what was I thinking? It’s so hot, and I’m regretting not stopping to grab a water bottle on my way out of the house. I can feel the start of a stitch in my side, fighting me as I try to regulate my breathing. My hand reaches up to my neck, feeling my hard pulse, and comes back slick with sweat. At least I’m still sweating, that’s a good sign. My face feels like it’s on fire, and I can’t do anything more but hang my head lower between my spread legs as I brace myself against the tree.

“Would you come inside before you die of heat stroke?” I look up to see Cam leaning against the doorway, arms crossed.