33. Maggie

Inever thought my fake relationship with Tommy would get to the part where I was considering leaving my job with the Chicago Cougars, a job I loved, just to get away from him. But the ache in my heart was so deep, I thought I'd surely never be able to look him in the eyes again, much less continue to take his photo. My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest the moment I saw Sutton James wrapped in Tommy's arms like a leech.

My computer balanced on my legs as I multitasked between scrolling through jobs halfheartedly and watching The Proposal. Part of me wondered if watching something that was a little too closely related to the situation that was causing me so much pain was actually good for my mental health, but I couldn't boycott Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock just because of a heartbreak.

As I was shoving my mouth with popcorn and debating if my previous thought about JCPenney hiring me would look like a downgrade on a résumé, my apartment door opened and Olivia barreled inside. She looked around at the sight in front of her. I had spent the night hunkered down and hadn't bothered to clean up the takeout boxes and dishes I had used last night and today.

"I'm here to check on you. You haven't responded to any of my texts, Maggie," Olivia said as she looked around in partial awe at my ability to turn my apartment into something similar to a landfill.

"And your point is?" I asked around my mouthful of popcorn.

Olivia took in what I was watching, the remnants of snacks around me, the empty bottle of wine from the previous night, and the fact that I was still in my pajamas.

"Is this really what you want for yourself?" she asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you really want the only form of happiness you ever feel to be from movies?"

Ouch.

"What I had with Tommy is over, Olivia. There's no happiness coming from that relationship anymore. Honestly, was it even a relationship to begin with?"

Olivia walked over to my coffee table and swiped the remote to my television. She clicked the off button before tossing the remote on the couch next to me.

"What are you doing?" she asked, waving her hands at my computer.

"Looking at jobs," I mumbled.

"You're joking, right?" Olivia looked at me like I had grown three heads. "You're going to get a different job just because a guy you really like did something you're not even sure he actually did?"

I shrugged because I knew that if I opened my mouth to defend myself, nothing logical would come out, because there was nothing logical about what I was doing.

"I know my best friend is stronger than that."

At that moment, I felt anything but strong. The image of Tommy's arms around his ex-girlfriend had been replaying in my head all night.

"Has he tried to contact you?" Olivia asked as she reached for my phone. When she flipped my screen around, her eyebrows shot up. I knew what she saw. There were about thirty unread text messages from Tommy and a handful of ignored calls.

"Did you not pick up any of these?"

"I don't want to talk to him."

"You don't even know what actually happened, Maggie. You're assuming!" Olivia threw her hands up in the air, giving me a look like she couldn't believe what I was doing.

"Our relationship wasn't even real," I told her.

Olivia sighed and sat down on the couch next to me. Her hands gripped my shoulders as she turned me to face her.

"Maggie, you're a terrible actor," she told me. "You can barely make it through lying to May when you want to take a sick day to grab brunch when you're not really sick. You're trying to tell me that all of a sudden you became the best actor I know and convinced everyone, including your family and best friend, that you weren't head over heels for a guy?"

"I never denied that I didn't catch feelings. That's why I'm in this mess, Olivia."

"I wasn't done." She pointed a finger at me, warning me to stay quiet. "You're also trying to tell me that Tommy Mikals, the guy that used to go through girls like toilet paper, all of a sudden was willing to be monogamous because of a fake relationship? And that all of the times I caught him staring at you like a lovesick puppy at practices or on the bus or on the plane or at any time when there were no cameras around meant he didn't really like you?"

"Even if that were all true," I replied, "he told me that at one time he would have forgiven Sutton for everything she did if she would have chosen him. That may have been that moment."

"You will never know for sure until you find out for yourself." Olivia's gaze softened as she watched me. "I've seen you grow significantly this season because of that man. I don't want to see you regress. You are so close to fully moving on and allowing yourself to be happy."

Olivia wasn't far from the truth. With each passing day, I felt lighter than ever before. It was like I was detaching a piece of baggage with every thread I tied. I knew I wasn't done yet, but Tommy had been a big reason for the progress that I had made this year.

"I'm not saying you need to forgive him." Olivia pulled me into a hug. "I'm just saying that you have the opportunity to be happy again and you're letting it slip from your fingers. I'm saying you need to try."

A small part of me knew that what she was saying was the right thing to do. I had effectively cut Tommy out again after I had seen Sutton in his arms. I was too scared for my biggest fears to be confirmed, so suspending it in time forever with no answers was better than getting the answer I didn't want. But the realistic part of my brain realized that I deserved to hear Tommy out. The rate with which he was trying to get ahold of me proved that he wanted to talk to me. I had to be strong enough to listen to what he had to say.

"Okay," I told her.

"And a shower. You definitely need a shower."

I laughed into her shoulder as she continued to hug me. My arms tightened around her waist as I held on to one of my biggest lifelines for the past few years.

"Something is still holding you back." Olivia didn't say it like a question. She knew me well enough to know the truth.

"I think there is something I need to do before I talk to Tommy."

Olivia held me at arm's length as she studied my face. "Do you need me?" she asked. I shook my head in response. I knew this was something I needed to do on my own.

"Promise me you'll talk to him?" Olivia asked as she gathered her purse. "And shower. You have to shower."

"I promise," I told her, and meant it. I wasn't sure when I would talk to Tommy, but I knew I would eventually.

Olivia pointed at me as she backed out of my apartment. "Call me if you need anything."

"Always."

Olivia gave me one more smile before she closed the door behind her, leaving me in the mess that was my apartment with a completely different mess inside my head. I lifted my armpit and took a whiff. The first thing on my list was definitely to take a shower. Then I would deal with my apartment once I didn't smell like I'd been avoiding taking care of myself.

I took my time with tidying my apartment. It was therapeutic and gave me the chance to think about what I had to do next. There were a couple of things on my list I needed to do before I could talk with Tommy. As I cleaned off the mountain of dirty dishes from my kitchen counter, a piece of paper slipped to the floor.

"Shit," I breathed before reaching down to snatch it off the ground. It was the check I received for the contract, only now it had a stain on the corner from the pizza I had the night before.

I stared at that check before reaching for my purse and sliding it inside.

The bus ride to the stadium allowed me to rehearse what I was going to say to Monica enough times in my head that I only hoped it would come out from memory. The stadium was relatively empty today. There were a few people cleaning and getting ready for the next home game coming up this week, but it was practically a ghost town. The C-suite was the complete opposite of the stadium below it. People in suits were hustling from room to room, making the wheels turn behind the scenes.

Monica's office was toward the back of the floor, and the trek to it was the longest hike of my life. I had to remind myself that what I wanted to tell her wasn't something that I was dreading doing. It was something I should have done the moment I had started developing feelings for Tommy.

I knocked on Monica's door, drawing her attention from where she was sitting at her desk. The woman was the epitome of a boss bitch. Her suit was perfectly tailored to her body, not a single hair was out of place, and the look of a shark stayed firmly on her face. She pushed back from her desk and rose when she saw me.

"Maggie! What a surprise," she exclaimed. Her arms swept toward the chair on the other side of her desk. "Please have a seat."

Once the two of us sat in our respective seats, Monica turned to look at me. "What can I help you with?"

"I need to talk about my contract with Tommy." Monica pursed her lips and sat back in her chair. She didn't say anything, only allowed me to continue. "I will understand if I can't terminate the contract, but I don't want the money that I agreed to. What I would like to do is to give back the payment agreed upon. It doesn't feel right anymore to take it."

I slid her the check that May had given me weeks ago, still untouched. Monica's eyebrows shot up, but that was the only sign of her surprise. Her eyes searched my face, trying to discover whatever it was I wasn't saying.

"You actually love him," Monica concluded.

Was I that easy to read? I opened my mouth to say something and then closed it. Opened it to try again before closing it once more.

"Can you do what I'm asking?" I decided to avoid acknowledging what Monica had said and instead confirm what I wanted to be done.

"Are you sure?" she asked me.

"Yes."

"Oh, and one other thing," I told her.

Monica waited patiently.

"Never speculate on our future together with the press again. That was never a part of the contract. Stick to the terms of the deal or I will walk away from this, and if it's not clear already, I'm done with all of this once the terms of our agreement come to a close."

Monica frowned, but she gave me a short nod of acknowledgment.

I had never been more sure about a decision. I had spent the entire night staring at that check, thinking about how it could change my life. I could afford a nice high-rise apartment for many years with that money. I could buy myself a new car. I could get a new camera, expand my portfolio, and take classes. The possibilities were endless. But none of those things seemed worth it if it would put at risk any potential for a relationship that Tommy and I had. I wasn't sure where he and I stood, but I couldn't live with myself if I cashed that check. Even if Tommy turned me down and told me that maybe we weren't the best decision—I knew my heart would be broken, but I would at least be able to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't monetize the time we shared together. It would only taint the happiness I had while we were together. My time with Tommy was more than a bunch of zeros on a check.

I stood up quickly, wanting to leave her office as fast as I could. There was still one more thing I needed to do before I could talk with Tommy, and it was probably the most important thing on my list.