25. Maggie

Tommy and I didn't get to enjoy the rest of the break the team had that week. After our day of conquering my fears with driving, he and I were on another flight to Los Angeles and the ESPYS. Monica had sent us both a detailed email about where we would be staying, the kinds of appearances she wanted us to do before the red carpet, and the designers that would be dressing us for the night.

It was overwhelming to say the least, and as we read the email, I found myself becoming disappointed that our relationship would be solidified by a grand orchestrated plan. Even though Tommy and I were not actually official, it felt like we were heading in that direction, and Monica's plans laid a layer of complication on top of all of this. Did Tommy consider this a confirmation of our relationship in real life? Or was it just me thinking along those lines?

"Can I ask you something?" Tommy said as the two of us sat in the back of a car on the way to the hotel we'd be staying at.

"Anything," I told him.

"How do you define yourself outside of your photography?" The words came out of his mouth like a prayer he was hoping would be answered.

"Why do you ask?"

"I've just been thinking about it a lot since we took off in Chicago." Tommy didn't have to go into any more detail for me to know that his mind was in a spiral, reflecting on his career and where it had taken him in life.

"Well, I guess it starts with what it is I want to leave behind in this world. It isn't necessarily what you do that defines you but why you do it. It's about what you want to be known for when you leave this place. I like to think of the old saying coaches always used to tell you as kids: leave the dugout better than when you found it. Leave the world a little better than when you first arrived. No matter how big or small."

Tommy's hand rested on the seat between us, and I reached out to slide mine underneath his. He gave me a grateful smile, and his hand curled around mine and squeezed.

"How do you want to make things better?" I asked.

"I want to make a difference." My heart swelled at the confidence in his voice.

"How do you think your career can help with that?"

Tommy thought for a moment in silence, weighing my words carefully. "I know my platform can bring attention to a cause that has gone relatively unknown. That could help with donations and opportunities."

"Exactly," I agreed, excited to see him happy about something for the first time in a while. "What kind of cause are you thinking you can do that for?"

"I want to help athletes of all ages, who will transition out of their sport, to find other hobbies that bring value to them. There are too many athletes out there that struggle once they stop playing because their sport was all they knew." Tommy's eyes were bright as he looked at me. "Like me."

"I think that's great. You should meet with Monica since you aren't represented by anyone anymore and see what you can do. She could probably help you get started with meeting the right people."

Tommy nodded seriously like he was making a mental checklist of the things he needed to do for this idea to be born. I laid my other hand down on his thigh to get his attention back.

"I've told you this before and I will keep telling you: you're more than a baseball player. You're a son. You're a friend. You have a big heart and a lot of love in there to spread around."

Tommy's thumb rubbed idle circles on the back of my hand as the conversation quieted down. It was crazy to me that every time I looked at him in moments like this, my chest could fill with so much emotion.

The city of Los Angeles slowly consumed us as we continued to drive farther into downtown where we'd be staying. Tommy and I stayed quiet the rest of the ride. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like we were barreling toward impending doom with this event, like whatever fantasy world Tommy and I had been living in with whatever was going on between us was slowly slipping away from us.

I knew that shouldn't be the case. We were on our way to get ready for an event where we would proclaim our relationship for the world to know. But I was beginning to wonder if there were too many layers of complication that had accumulated throughout this entire charade.

Monica had reserved a hotel room for us at the closest hotel to the venue and had an entire team waiting for us when we arrived. There were hair and makeup crews, as well as employees for the designer label we'd be wearing tonight. As soon as Tommy and I walked through the door, they all sprang into action like they'd been waiting for us for hours. People swarmed around the two of us and pulled us in separate directions. I was sure the look of terror on Tommy's face was mirrored on my own.

The room was full of excited energy as a crew prepared to get me and Tommy ready for a red carpet walk. Through the sea of people, I caught Tommy looking at me with sadness written all over his face. Our eyes stayed locked on each other for a few minutes as people bustled around us. I couldn't be sure what was going through his head, but I was beginning to feel like all of this had been a mistake. I didn't want to date Tommy like this. The dates we were having to go on didn't feel like they allowed for the feelings that were growing between us to flourish.

Once the crew was done making Tommy and me look almost unrecognizable, they filed out of the room one by one. An employee of the designer took pictures of us and requested they be posted on our social media accounts before they exited the room, leaving us alone finally. As soon as we were alone, it felt like there was finally air to breathe again.

"That was a lot," Tommy said.

"I feel like I'm playing dress up." I walked in front of the mirror to catch a glimpse of the blood-red ballgown I was wearing. The skirt fell down in luxurious waves, and the bodice accentuated the little cleavage I had. It was the nicest dress I had ever seen, and while I should've felt like I was living out a dream, nothing felt like me.

"You look beautiful, Maggie." Tommy's eyes were dark as he took me in. My cheeks flushed as he shook his head in awe.

"You look amazing too." His suit jacket was an off-shade of red that complemented my dress and popped against the black pants and shirt he was wearing.

"You okay?" he asked me when he realized I was being more reserved than I normally was.

"This just feels like a lot." My hands nervously smoothed down my skirt as I stared at myself in the mirror of the room. "It doesn't feel like us."

Tommy's eyes scanned my face as he took in all of the emotion I'd been hiding from him. He took a step closer to me in response, his fingers coming up to trace down my jawline.

"I know."

"How did this happen?"

Tommy knew I wasn't talking about how we ended up at a red carpet event together. We both knew how that had happened. No, I was talking about how we ended up catching feelings for each other and were stuck living within the confines of someone else's idea of what they wanted our relationship to be.

Instead of telling me something to help make me feel better, he took another step closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He pulled my body flush against his as he wrapped me in a hug that I desperately needed.

"What do you want, Maggie?" Tommy asked me as my face was tucked into his jacket. I was really hoping that the makeup artist's setting spray was expensive and not about to ruin the multi-thousand-dollar suit that Tommy was wearing.

His words bounced around inside my heart, only one answer ringing true inside me. I wasn't sure if it was the dress that was giving me the extra confidence, but I found my mouth opening and words coming out that I never thought I would admit to him.

"You, Tommy. I want you."

A growl escaped Tommy's throat at my words. One of his hands trailed up my back, making me shiver when his hand traced over my bare skin. It wrapped gently around the back of my neck and tilted my head, so I wasn't buried in his chest anymore. His eyes stared down at me intensely.

"Say that again." His voice was dangerously low as he waited to hear the words.

"I want you, Tommy Mikals."

Every part of me knew the words were true. They had been living inside me since the moment that he had kissed me the last time we were in Los Angeles. I knew the moment my pen had touched that contract Monica had put in front of me that I wasn't supposed to catch feelings. At the time, I had thought that would be an easy task. I had known Tommy Mikals to be a player that only cared about women, drinking, and money. But what I had learned over the little time I had known him was that that couldn't have been further from the truth.

I had fallen for a guy that was incredibly patient and kind, someone who saw me with all of my scars but still thought I was the most beautiful person in the room. The feelings I had for Tommy hadn't been there when I first met him. They had been watered through our time spent together and had slowly bloomed with every shared smile, fleeting glance, or hand held.

Both of Tommy's hands came up to cup my cheeks as he covered my lips with his. A hunger exploded from his mouth as it explored mine. His teeth skated across my lips, teasing me and sending shocks of pleasure down my body. Heavy want blazed through my body as Tommy pulled me even closer, trying to erase every nook and cranny of space that lived between us. I sighed into his mouth as he kissed me slower and with more passion than I had thought was possible. Tommy pulled back so he could study me.

"You have no idea how much I have wished to hear you say those words." I slid my hands down his chest, wanting desperately to fist my hand in his shirt, but I knew Monica would kill me if we appeared on the carpet a rumpled mess.

"I want you too." Tommy took a step back from me as he ran a hand through his hair. "God, Maggie. I want more for you than this."

"What do you mean?"

"I want to date you. Really date you. Without all of this." He waved a hand in the air to encompass the mess the two of us had gotten into. "I don't want to put our relationship out there publicly like this. I know what that can do to a couple. It can tear the relationship up from the inside out."

My mind flashed to the uncashed check that was sitting on my counter at home. I had stared at the zeroes on it for almost an hour, debating what to do before I decided I wasn't going to do anything and left the check on my counter where it had been since.

"We can't walk away now, Tommy," I reminded him. "You'd lose your contract."

"Part of me wonders if that's such a bad thing anymore," Tommy whispered softly.

"I would never let you give up baseball for me."

"I know that." Tommy's voice was still barely audible. "But I'm a wreck, Maggie. I've about fucked my way out of my career—literally. The girl I thought I was going to marry messed me up so badly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. I'm constantly worried about screwing up and having all of this taken from me. But not because I'd lose the lifestyle—because I'd lose the only version of myself I know. I'm way too much to ask you to take on. These last few months have allowed me to have you without the risk of losing you because I've always known you could never be mine. I don't deserve you."

Tommy's hands continued to work through his hair, ruining the work that had been done to prepare him for the carpet we were about to walk down. The sadness dripped down his features like a steady rain as he looked at me.

"That doesn't mean I didn't mean what I just said. I want to be clear about that. I want you, Maggie Redford. So goddamn much. But you deserve to be with someone that can make you happy."

I had never seen so much raw emotion displayed on Tommy's face outside of the baseball field. He looked beautiful. Like a city with all the lights on at night. Warmth spread through my body, all the way to my fingers, because that emotion was there because of me. Because he cared about me too. My hands curled around his jaw.

"You make me happy, Tommy, and if you haven't realized it yet, I'm also a fucking wreck. So let's be one giant wreck together."

A small smile pulled the corners of Tommy's mouth upward. I pushed up on my tiptoes and brushed a gentle kiss across his mouth, sure that if I gave him the kind of passion he gave me earlier, he would crumble right in front of me.

"Are you sure?" he asked me when he pulled back.

"I could say something cheesy about standing here in my best dress, but I won't. So of course I'm serious, but how about this? For the past four years, I haven't even looked at guys in any sort of romantic way. Until I saw you. You changed everything for me, Tommy."

"Maggie . . ." My name passed his lips like a prayer as he leaned down to press one more kiss to my lips. "Let's do this."

The nerves I had felt from the moment we had walked into the hotel room left my body as Tommy slid his hand in mine. For the first time in four years, it finally felt like I had a little bit of luck.