42. Declan

42

DECLAN

As I sat in the SUV in front of Gran’s house, I was tempted to get in the plane and fly back to Atlanta. When I landed an hour ago, I drove straight to Ashley’s. I hadn’t gone into the house at all. So as of right now, Gran didn’t know I was in Firefly unless she’d looked outside and seen the plane in the hangar.

My plan had been to go talk to Ashley and then, if everything went well, bring her back with me to celebrate Christmas with everyone together. Clearly, things did not go to plan.

I glanced to my right at the divorce papers Ashley handed me. They were sitting on the seat like an ominous passenger of failure. She wanted to dissolve our marriage effective immediately. I shouldn’t be surprised. This was what we’d agreed to. She’d lived up to her end of things. I was the one who wanted to renegotiate terms. I would have fought for exactly that, but the problem was I wasn’t sure I could give her what she wanted.

Was I capable of the sort of marriage she deserved?

She wanted love.

Love.

Why was it so hard for me to say that word to her? Why couldn’t I promise to love her?

I grabbed the papers and got out of the car. On my way up the steps to the house, I looked over and saw Bonnie in the pen with Craig. He was taking her through some exercises. Clyde was in the stable, stretching his neck out as far as he could over the gate so he could catch glimpses of her as she rounded one of the corners. All my life, I’d been around horses, but I’d never seen one so in love like Clyde was with Bonnie.

What did he know that I didn’t?

When I walked inside, the first thing that struck me was the house was uncharacteristically quiet. I checked the kitchen and didn’t see Dorothy or Fred. Gran wasn’t in the library or sunroom. It wasn’t until I walked into my grandfather’s study that I found her.

Gran was seated behind the large mahogany desk.

“Where is everyone?”

“Fred and Dorothy went to a movie.”

“You didn’t want to go?”

“Clearly not. Have you heard from your brother?”

“No, I haven’t.” He’d checked himself out of the rehab I checked him into—surprise, surprise. He posted a story from Cabo on Instagram, but I hadn’t been in touch with him, and I couldn’t say I cared. If he wanted to spend his life fucking off, then it was fine by me as long as he left the business out of it.

She peered up at me over her black wire-rimmed glasses. “Where’s Ashley?”

“At home. I just saw her. She gave me these.” I set the divorce papers on the table in front of her. I figured there was no reason to lie anymore. She deserved to know the truth. “She only agreed to marry me so I could acquire the business.”

I waited to hear that she was disappointed or surprised.

“I assumed it was something of that nature.” She glanced down at the documents and indicated toward them with her chin. “And this is what you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“Of course it does. Don’t be an idiot.”

An idiot. Gran didn’t typically call me an idiot.

“The truth is, I thought I wanted the business, but now that I have it…I don’t know…I don’t even care. I mean, I care, but…” It doesn’t matter if I don’t have Ashley.

I didn’t voice that last thought aloud. I couldn’t even believe I’d thought it. How could something I’d worked for my entire life seem so pointless and empty?

Once again, I waited for Gran to be stunned by my admission, and once again, she appeared wholly nonplussed. “I was going to wait until you were together to give this to you both, but since that doesn’t seem like it will be happening…” Gran handed me a gift bag, stood, and walked out of the room.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to lie down for a nap. I expect you’ll have this resolved by the time I awake.”

Resolved?

I reached into the bag and pulled out a double frame. On one side was the assignment that I’d done in first grade that described my wife, and on the other side was a photo taken at our wedding. It was framed from behind me at the altar. It showed my back, shoulders, neck, and head in the foreground and then a full body of Ashley walking down the aisle towards me. She looked even more beautiful than I remembered. She truly was an angel.

Seeing her from the same perspective I had on the day I married her was like stepping into a time machine. I was transported back to that moment. It felt like yesterday and also a lifetime ago. So much had happened, and yet, it had gone by in the blink of an eye.

As I read my answers again on the paper, I realized that Ashley was everything I had wanted when I was six years old.

She had hair like the sun and eyes like the ocean. Her red hair and blue-eyed combination was the rarest in the world and had caught my eye immediately the first time I’d seen her.

She loved animals and talked to them, just like Dr. Dolittle. Whether it was Mr. Purrfect, Rufus, or Bonnie and Clyde, she was amazing with them.

She was kind, like Mrs. Sally, my neighbor. She brought baked goods to Dorothy and Fred after meeting them only once and cooked for my Gran when that wasn’t in her job description.

Everyone lit up when they spoke to her, just like Mr. Casper, my mailman. During the Christmas party, every person she interacted with felt special and seen.

She smelled fresh, like fruity and fresh vanilla. From the first moment I met her at the bar, I’d been intoxicated by her scent. The morning I’d woken up in the hotel room without her, I’d been tempted to take the pillowcase she’d slept with me on my travels just so I could keep a part of her.

She did feel like my treehouse on the Fourth of July. Every time I was with her, I felt safe and more myself than I ever had in my life. She was home to me. She was all that mattered.

In fact, at that moment, a clarity came over me. A certainty. I knew if I had the choice between her and the company, I would choose her.

Fuck me. If that wasn’t love, I didn’t know what was. Why hadn’t I seen it before? How could I have been so blind? So stupid?

I grabbed the divorce papers off the desk and put them and the frame into the gift bag, then rushed out of the house and into the car. The drive across the island back to Ashley’s house should have taken me fifteen minutes; I made it in under seven.

When I pulled up to her house, I could feel my heart pounding so hard it felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. I barely put it in park before I grabbed the gift bag, jumped out, sprinted up to the porch steps, and knocked on the door. It opened, and I saw Ashley’s eyes were red-rimmed. She’d been crying. Was it because of me? Had I made her cry?

“Can I come in?” I asked, my voice raspy and gruff.

“Why?”

“Please?” I begged.

If she wanted me to do this on the porch, I would. But it was cold, and I’d rather do it indoors. She sighed as she took a step back. When I stepped inside, she closed the door, then crossed her arms and bit the inside of her lip.

“I don’t want these.” I took out the divorce papers and handed them back to her. Or I tried to; she kept her arms crossed.

“You want me to take them to the clerk’s office?”

“No. I don’t want you to file them.”

She closed her eyes and tilted her head back as she took a deep breath. “Declan, I can’t be in a marriage?—”

“Without love, I know. I’m not asking you to.”

Her eyes opened, and she lifted her head back up.

“I love you, Ashley Nicole Thompson Wolfe. I’m in love with you.”

“You can’t… I don’t want you just to say that because?—”

“I’m not just saying that. I wouldn’t just say that. If I would just say that then I would have done it a long time ago. I love you. I think I fell in love with you when I saw you at the bar before you even turned around. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. Just from your back, I knew that you were different. I felt…connected to you. The first night we spent together in the hotel, I wanted to tell you that I loved you. I had to stop myself from saying it.

“I’m not good with emotions, and that’s not all. The reason that Fatima didn’t think that I would go upstairs with you is because I have mysophobia. No one knows that. People just think I don’t like germs. She does because we got stuck in an elevator for fourteen hours, and I had a panic attack. I’ve never had one-night stands before or unprotected sex because the thought of it makes me physically repulsed. But with you… it was different. Everything was and is different.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t realize that I love you, that I’m in love with you, sooner, but I have problems with that, too. Besides the mysophobia, I have OCPD. It’s?—”

“Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, I know. I studied it in psychology.”

“So you know it makes it hard for me to identify and express my feelings. But today my grandmother gave me this. It’s a gift for us.” I pulled out the frame and handed it to her. As she read it, I explained. “I wrote that when I was in first grade. You are everything I’ve always wanted in a wife. But that’s not why I know I love you. That just makes me know that you’re perfect for me. I know I love you because you are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I know I love you because when you told me that you were sick, I wanted to get on a plane and fly home just to bring you tissues. I didn’t care if I got sick. All I cared about was if you were okay and making you better. I know I love you because one smile from you on FaceTime makes me happier than I’ve ever felt and ever thought I could feel in my life. I know I love you because today I signed the papers giving me control of Wolfe Enterprises, and if I had the choice between the company and you, I would choose you.”

She lifted her head, and I saw that her eyes pooled with tears. “What?”

“I would choose you, Ashley. The company doesn’t mean anything if I don’t have you.”

“But that’s the only reason… you only asked me to marry you so you could…”

“Maybe that’s why I asked you to marry me. Or maybe you were handing in your resignation, and I didn’t want you out of my life, so I used that as an excuse and proposed. I don’t know. I can’t say for sure. But today, right now, I do know. If I had a choice, right now, it would be you. I would gladly give up everything—the company, the plane, the houses, the money?—”

“Whoa, let’s not go crazy,” she teased as a smile lifted on her face.

When it did, everything felt right again. My entire body relaxed.

“I’m serious, Ashley. You are everything to me. You’re all I care about. I love you.”

Two tears fell down her cheeks as her smile widened. I lifted my hand and brushed them away, then got down on one knee. “Ashley Nicole Thompson Wolfe, will you make me the happiest man in the world and not divorce me?”

“Yes!” She nodded. “Yes! I will not divorce you!”

I stood and lifted her into my arms. I nestled my face into her neck, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely her. “I love you, wife.”

“I love you, husband.”

Saying those words and meaning them was more valuable than any company or any number of zeroes in a bank account. Love was the most precious and rare commodity, and I almost missed out on experiencing its power thanks to living in my head. Hannah was right. I needed a heart person. I needed Ashley. And thank God, by the time I figured it out, it wasn’t too late.