Chapter 31

Primrose

Ishut the journal as the door opened and Ava came into the room, and I got this strange nostalgia looking at her, like I’d already been gone for years. She paused halfway through hanging her bag by the door, giving me a look.

“What are you looking at?”

I was going to miss the little brat. I tossed the book at her, and she let out an undignified squeal, catching it. “Hand that to Matty next time you catch him, will you?”

“The fuck? Do it yourself. And don’t throw shit at me unless you want to lose teeth.”

“Don’t know if I’m seeing him again.” I tossed my pen aside, standing up. “It’s been real, Kittycat.”

She pushed her hood back and dropped her arms by her sides, giving me an incredulous look. “Don’t tell me you’re actually jumping ship over Skates.”

I shrugged, giving her a vacant smile. “Not actively. But I did slap Zach in the face. Not literally, but I should have…”

She dropped the journal on the table, storming over to me. “What the fuck did you do?”

“Got the insider info on Giselle’s family. Didn’t give it up. Zach knows I found something and called me in this morning to tell me he’d sent Andrea to ruin things between me and Giselle, so I could relax, take it easy, and just hand over the info. But I’m getting real sick of seeing his face, so I told him to fuck himself.”

Ava drew her lips in a tight line, folding her arms. “You fucking idiot. No—do not be stubborn. You can still tell him. He’ll overlook it if you just—”

“I know,” I said, looking out the window to where the sun dipped lower on the horizon. “But I don’t really… want it.”

“What?”

“I’m not doing his dirty work anymore. Guy used to line up with my principles… take down the people with the power and give us all a leg up. But now he’s just a lackey to some moneybags he swears he hates.” I laughed, hearing it like it came from somewhere else. “Lofty speech, I know. And probably biased because I like Giselle. But either way… figure it’s time I decide my own life for myself.”

“Jesus Christ, woman.” She put her head in her hands, massaging her temples. “I know you’re obsessed with the girl now, but just give it some time—give it a fucking day and come back to earth.”

I put a hand on my hip. “What’s this? Telling me you’re going to miss me, Kittycat?”

“Shut up. I’m telling you—” She put her hands up. “What the fuck are you even going to do? Zach’s going to get you kicked out of everywhere.”

“Been packing up. I’ll, uh…” I strained my smile. “I’ll figure something out. Not my first time walking away and figuring shit out as I go.”

“But you… it doesn’t have to be this way. You’re just being a stubborn dumbass who’s lovesick over a girl.”

“Being a stubborn dumbass over two girls, Giselle and myself. We both deserve better than what Zach wants from us.” I softened. “Just promise me one thing?”

She sighed heavily, looking away. “Oh, god. Now comes the sentimental part. What now?”

“Your whole situation. Just promise me you’ll at least keep an open mind to other things that might come up. To opportunities to change it. You’re a bit obnoxious, so it’ll be a pain if I find myself having to worry about you.”

“Shut up.” She pulled her hood down lower over her face, looking away. “I cannot believe you. Such a piece of—ugh.”

“Yeah, yeah. Love you too, Kittycat.”

“Fuck off,” she said, and I think she didn’t want me to notice the way her voice cracked through tears. She turned and stormed away, snatching up the journal off the table, and she disappeared around the corner and into her room, leaving me to settle into the couch, watching out the window as long, thin clouds stretched in ribbons over the horizon.

Strange to be in a place where I knew I was making a mistake, and yet at the same time I was so sure I was doing the right thing. And that underneath it all I had this sick feeling in my stomach, all the supports gone from underneath me again—like I was in free-fall, just like it had been before.

If I’d done it once, I could do it again. At least Matt got his journal. Maybe it was a cautionary tale, or maybe a roadmap to a better insight on what FIRE really was—on what Zachary really was.

Or maybe just a hopeless girl’s diary of how she tore her own life apart over a girl who wouldn’t even want her. Talk about embarrassing.

I had a bad taste in my mouth that night, lying in bed looking at my phone, reading and rereading the details of Giselle’s competition tomorrow. Reading and rereading our texts, because I was a masochist. Ava left the apartment again while I was still packing up my things—she’d gone storming out like she was going to go kill someone—and she only got back past one in the morning, moving softly now, morose.

She paused at my door, lingering there, before she walked on past to hers. Poor girl. I felt bad about leaving her here—nobody else she really knew how to talk to honestly about stuff, aside from Sooyeon, and that was its own battle—but I just had to hope she wasn’t going to walk out of college and into a prison at her graduation.

Maybe Sooyeon would sweep her off her feet and carry her to safety. Or maybe I was a hopeless romantic.

Me being a romantic was more alarming than me being gay. But I had a lot of things to figure out about myself.

∞∞∞

I woke up early, which I thought would give me the safe clearance to go out for breakfast—I had some cafeteria pass credits that were just going to go to waste before long—but no such luck. I was sitting in the furthest corner with a plate of food that tasted like chewing on paper, scrolling through job listings on my phone with a sick dread in my stomach, when somebody slid into the seat opposite me, and I jolted up to where Sooyeon smiled warmly at me.

“Hey,” she said. My stomach sank. The fact that she was here meant she knew, which meant I had to deal with saying goodbye… I looked away.

“Always liked you, you know,” I said. “I was kind of hoping I’d be able to slip out without having to do the whole painful goodbye thing.”

“You have a thing for taller women, huh?”

“I mean—apparently, yes, but that’s not what I was talking about.”

“Always liked you, too,” she said, her smile touched with something soft, sad. “Always thought you had it in you to do the right thing when it counted. Takes a lot of guts to stand up to Zachary with everything on the line.”

I massaged my temple. “Bravery or stupidity. Crapshoot.”

“Matthew would have backed you up, you know.”

I sighed. “He did offer that, but… Zachary called me in unexpectedly…”

“What’s the actual reason?”

I raked my hair back. “Guess it was just a me thing. My problem to face. My petty little fuck-you stand to make.”

“Zachary won’t change if it’s just you taking a stand alone.”

“Can’t ask Matt to take that on. These are my personal stakes. He doesn’t have a reason to risk it all for this.” I turned back to my phone, and Sooyeon reached across the table, took the phone from my hands, and turned it face down.

“Can you speak Korean?”

“Uh… nope.”

“Ever wanted to learn?”

I looked away. “Never crossed my mind. Was a bit more interested in learning German.”

“Ha. For the girlfriend, right?”

“Oh—was it that obvious?”

“I don’t think you deserve to lose it all over this,” she said, her voice soft. “If Zachary has you kicked out of November, you can stay with my parents. Small room, and my mom doesn’t speak much English, and they will all try to teach you Korean, but it’s better than nothing.”

I felt my face sting—I didn’t know why, just a cold, ringing sensation across my face, like I’d just been hit, and I swallowed past the lump in my throat before I felt my eyes burn. “You… you’d really let me do that?”

She gave me a sympathetic smile. “You’re my friend, Primrose.”

“Don’t—don’t you think Zachary could get mad with you next over that?”

“I’m not planning on telling him. And even if he did, let him.”

“But… I can really manage,” I said, shifting in my seat. She smiled wider.

“Can’t handle Korean food? Relax, my mom loves American food. What do you think convinced her to come here?”

“That’s shockingly not what’s on my mind. I just—I know they’re not well-off. I can’t put that on them.”

She laughed. “That’s really on them to decide, isn’t it?”

“And you’re that sure they’ll say yes? Hey, this girl from my friend group just got thrown out of everything on campus for screwing us all over, can she come stay in my old bedroom?”

“Mom already did.”

I blinked. “What?”

“And what Mom says, goes. So…”

“You—asked her?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, I read her mind.”

“But…” I looked down at my hands on the table, dragging in a long, shaky breath. “For how long?”

“For how long?” she repeated, incredulous. “For as long as you need. Just be careful you don’t stay so long she takes you for another daughter and starts yelling at you to do your chores.”

“How much would it be? I don’t have a lot of money saved up, but—”

“Primrose!” she snapped, and I looked up, eyes wide, at where she gave me a dumbfounded look. “My mother isn’t going to charge you rent while you’re sleeping under the stairs like some Dickens novel. She’ll ask you to pitch in on food if you have money and not to worry about it if you don’t.”

“But… why?” I couldn’t even put two and two together right now. It felt like my mind was wiped blank.

She sighed, looking down. “Because we care? Because it’s the right thing to do? Or maybe it’s because taking one stand for the right thing deserves taking another.” She paused. “Or maybe you’re just my friend and I want you to stick around. Who can say?”

“I—” I swallowed a sick sensation, pinching the bridge of my nose. “It’s not fair, though. It’s not like Chris Torres got the same option.”

She smiled sadly. “He—”

“You should know it was my fault,” I blurted, my head feeling hot all of a sudden. “The whole… everything with him. He lost the competition because I was supposed to bring down the one to beat, and I… chickened out. Took a liking to the guy and didn’t want to sabotage him. Everything came tumbling down for Chris, and it was my…” I shook my head. “And now it’s the same thing. With Giselle. Just worse, because I was already on my second chance, and the… the way I feel about Giselle, it’s a bit… bit more… different.”

Sooyeon sighed, tenting her hands on the table. “If your greatest regret is having liked a person who liked you—is having seen someone’s effort and passion firsthand and wanting to encourage it instead of tearing it down—I think you’re doing okay for yourself.”

I swallowed, staring at her, counting heavy heartbeats I could feel in my wrists. “But… he…”

“Is it your fault Zachary decided he didn’t get a second chance?”

“But he wouldn’t have needed a second chance if I…”

“Face it, Zachary was ready to let him go already. And figured he’d use the opportunity to put the screws in you and make sure you stay… loyal to the cause.”

I hung my head, staring at the floor, the low sounds of the cafeteria around like it was miles and miles away.

“Chris also had a chance. I would have helped him, too. But he wouldn’t accept it… people let their pride drive them to ruin. The only person who really can really give you a second chance—or a third, or a fourth, or a fifth—is yourself. If you don’t, nobody else can.”

I picked at my food, my stomach wringing up in knots. Sooyeon smiled, gently, and she reached across the table and squeezed my shoulder before she stood up.

“The offer is open, okay? It’s your choice. But I hope you stay. Ava does, too. Girl was a bit emotional over you leaving.”

Guess it should have been obvious where she’d gone last night. I smiled thinly to myself, looking down, and I felt one tear run a thin, hot streak down my cheek as Sooyeon started away, before I heard myself speak, a rush in my chest. “You know, something occurs to me,” I said, and Sooyeon stopped, looking back over her shoulder at me.

“What’s up?”

“How much are you just saying that for yourself, anyway?” I glanced up at her. “Second chances and everything…”

She smiled warily. “You might as well just get to the point here.”

“Oh, yeah. You can’t think of anything you might want to try despite the situation. Can Ava think of anything? Maybe put your heads together.”

Sooyeon turned to the window, leaning against the wall with a sigh. “By the way… how much did Ava tell you?”

“Oh, you know. This and that.”

She laughed, drily. “I don’t see how it’s comparable.”

“Yeah, you do. It’s about what you want, but more than that, it’s about what’s right.”

She didn’t say anything. I went back to my food, spearing it with my fork, and I spoke with my mouth full.

“She’s just waiting for you to ask, isn’t she?”

“It’s not that simple…”

“Is it ever?”

She laughed, giving me a sidelong smile before she turned away. “All right, Sunburns. I see you. Well, catch you around.”

“See you,” I called after her.