Chapter 10

Giselle

Maybe things blew up between me and Cass, and me and Primrose. I’d thought things were going so nicely, just a happy little dream, and then… then she acted like she’d seen a ghost when I mentioned a girlfriend.

I’d really let myself get carried away. Having a crush on a straight girl I’d just met was standard lesbian repertoire. Having a crush on a homophobic girl was just embarrassing.

And I tried to brush it aside, just it’s-whatever it and move on with my life like I never really cared all that much anyway what she thought of me, but I kept replaying the interaction in my head, imagining all the better things I could have said. Ways I might have done better to make her still like me.

Did I want a homophobe to like me? Again… how embarrassing.

I managed to put on the presentation, but I noticed Cass in the seats looking like I was an embarrassment to her entire family, and—like she’d just been waiting for me to make eye contact with her, she rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone instead.

It hurt like a knife in the gut. It was a boring presentation, but—it wasn’t that bad, was it? I wasn’t doing that badly, was I?

Except I obviously was. I just… had to… commit to do better. If I was trying to do better, it didn’t matter how badly I was doing. My position didn’t matter, only my trajectory.

At least I kept telling myself that.

I couldn’t get out of the event soon enough once it ended. I got back to my dorm and fired off some emails for my honors society group, scanned through some reports for the student organization I was treasurer for, put my signature on a couple lines and highlighted a few parts for review, and I sat down to finish my essay, narrowly eking out the draft before I checked the clock and found it was almost eight. I swallowed, and I fussed with my phone, staring at my text chat with Primrose for ages wondering if I should have even bothered sending anything.

Finally, I went with something neutral enough. Just finished my things for the day. Let me know if you still want to do dinner, or if you’re busy tonight.

Giving her a polite out seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t want to have to listen to her come up with excuses. But she surprised me with a text back straightaway.

you thought I’d back out? when there’s food on the line? getting ready right now!!

I stared at the phone for a long time, letting out a slow breath, before I stood up.

Maybe I was reading too much into things. Or maybe she was trying to be a good ally even though it was hard for her. Or maybe she just liked food enough to subject herself to a lesbian’s company for it. Who could say? All I knew was that I wished I could stop thinking about it. I texted back.

what kind of dress code is this place?

it’s not a black-tie event, but I’m trying to look nice, at least

And I was not going to ask myself why she was trying to look nice. It was just a normal thing to do when going out for dinner anywhere, for any reason.

I really needed to get that into my head.

I tried to look nice, myself—put on some evening makeup with a liquid eyeliner, and I put on one of my nice sweaters and some simple high-waisted slacks before I pulled a sleek burgundy trench coat on over top, and I spent too long checking myself out in the mirror, adding and removing accessories before I settled for a simple pearl necklace and a tasteful silver watch and headed out the door. I was barely at my car door before I’d decided I’d overdressed, but I wasn’t spending all night going back and forth.

I drove around to the lot behind November Complex, and I parked in the pale glow of a streetlamp under the bushy branches of an elm at the corner of the lot before I sank back in my seat, fussing over how to phrase a text that could have just said I’m here.

Parked here in the black Audi. Don’t rush, though.

The door to the complex opened almost immediately, and I rolled down the window, breathing in the sweet, crisp smell of a cool night as I leaned out looking for her, and I immediately regretted it when I saw Ava trudge towards me, her hands in her pockets—although it took me a second to recognize her without the cat hoodie, wearing a baggy sweatshirt instead.

“You look nice,” she said, her voice dry, as she came over and leaned against my car. I pursed my lips through a smile.

“Where’s your cat ears? I didn’t recognize you at first.”

“Eh. I figure if that’s all I wear, people will start to think I don’t shower.”

“And they’ll give you more space. Thought you’d love that.”

She made a face like she was mulling it over. “You know, that is not a bad point. Might rethink some things.”

I laughed. “Happy to help.”

She sighed. “You barely made it twenty-four hours before you’re taking Primrose on a date.”

“I am not—”

“She’s been fussing over her makeup for half an hour when she normally just throws it on and walks out the door, and you show up looking like you’re going to the charity dinner.”

I sank against the seat back, just looking out the windshield straight ahead. “She insisted. She said she wanted to pay me back for a favor. I promise I’m not trying to date your heterosexual roommate who has a boyfriend.”

“Spent a lot of time thinking about how she’s heterosexual, huh?”

“I—” I rubbed my forehead. “Ava, are you jealous? Wishing she’d take you instead?”

She made a face like she was sucking on a lemon. “If I were gay, I’d have plenty of better choices on Sooyeon’s team. Primrose? God, I’ve already lived with her. That’s more than enough. And I’m warning you not to get too close, either.” She paused. “For a lot of reasons.”

I tented my hands. “For reasons beyond just the new hobbies and the weird food?”

She took a step back. “I’m warning you. That’s all I’m saying. She’s a lot more than she seems. Be careful.”

The complex door opened behind her, and I looked at where Primrose came hurrying out from the building, and my chest constricted with a nervous feeling when I saw her in that little black dress and low heels, quick curls done in her hair.

“Ava—oh my god, Kittycat, leave Giselle out of whatever you’re doing now,” she called.

Ava shoved her hands in her pockets, giving Primrose a look. “You leave Giselle alone. She could be spending her time doing anything better than hanging out with Sunburns.”

Primrose rolled her eyes, walking around to the other side of the car. “Go inside, Ava. Matt’s going to want to hang out with you and Susu.”

“Bleh.” Ava turned and huffed away, shoulders hunched, starting back towards the complex. I unlocked the doors, glancing over as Primrose stepped into the car, looking around with wide eyes.

“You have such a nice car…”

“You have such a nice dress. Where did you get that?”

“Oh, this?” She laughed, moving her shoulders to show it off. The cutout on the back… I wasn’t going to stare too long at her, freckles on warm skin spanning constellations up to her neck. “Designer piece. Saw it on the runway at Paris Fashion Week and knew I had to get it. Ordered it direct from the designer the day of the runway walk and got a sweetheart deal for only two and a half grand.”

“Hm. Quite the story.”

“I got it at Hamp;M. It was on sale.” She laughed, settling back into her seat as she buckled her seatbelt, and she gave me a sweet smile that made the previous awkwardness dissolve like ice under hot water. “Thanks for driving me, Giselle.”

“Of course. I kind of just need the address.”

“Oh! Right.” She laughed, pulling up her phone.

“So… Sunburns?”

She covered up a laugh. “I got sunburn. That’s literally it. Summer last year, we booked out a beach house together—me and Ava and a couple of our friends—and I got bad sunburn the first day. I’ve been Sunburns ever since.”

Something ached in my chest for that kind of friendship—that easy, comfortable friendship where they all knew each other, all had history, all fit naturally together. Still—she had her blessings and I had mine. I knew not to compare. “I’ll make sure not to bring you out into the sunlight, Countess.”

“Well, we’ve established a brand for ourselves,” she said, putting her phone up on the holder on the dashboard, driving directions up for a restaurant. “Skating in the cold and going out at night. I guess it was only a matter of time before you realized my secret.”

Were we just pretending the coming-out interaction had never happened? I couldn’t get it out of my head the whole time, making casual and easy small talk on the drive, and I wasn’t feeling any more comfortable, any more ready for this once we got to the restaurant, a Thai place with an iridescent green roof.

“Guess I should have asked beforehand,” Primrose said, looking over at me. “Is spicy food okay?”

“I’ll see if I survive,” I said lightly. “When you say adventurous, do you mean it’s going to cook me from the inside?”

She grinned. “They have less spicy options, too. Sar—old friend of mine who graduated in May—he’s from Thailand and took us here all the time. So now you’re in with the cool crowd.”

“If us is the crowd that includes Ava, I’m not sure I’m too popular with the cool crowd.”

“Please. Ava loves you. She just harasses and insults people to express her undying love. That’s how I know I’m her favorite.” She unbuckled, stepping out of the car, and I followed her out into the crisp, sweet smell of the night, heading up the sidewalk and into the tiny glass door at the front. The restaurant was quiet right now, this late on a Monday, and the hostess beamed at the sight of us before shouting to the back something in Thai where the only word I caught was Primrose’s name. The hostess seated us quickly at a booth up against a wooden room divider, and the smell of sweet and spicy sauces filled the room as I sat down across from Primrose, who tucked her hair back smiling lightly at me.

“You’re a celebrity here, huh?”

“It’s more like Sar is a celebrity here, and I’m the celebrity’s friend.”

“So I’m the celebrity’s friend’s friend. Pretty low in the pecking order over here.”

“Hey, keep coming here and you’ll be a celebrity too.”

If Primrose was going to keep inviting me, I’d probably keep showing up. As embarrassing as it was to admit that to myself.

We kept up in cordial, surface-level conversation as we got our menus and ended up placing our orders, and it was in the wait for our food to come out that I said what I wasn’t supposed to—when she’d been asking about my skating history and I mentioned a girl I’d dated in my freshman year, Primrose suddenly turned awkward, not looking at me. I felt a burn of embarrassment—shame, almost, more like, tingling in my throat.

I wanted to be angry—angry I couldn’t even mention having dated a girl once before—but I couldn’t even bring myself to that. Just…

Primrose cleared her throat, still looking down at her place setting. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to react like that. I just got confused for a second and I forgot you were… you know, a lesbian.”

“Yep… I seem to be staying that way. All signs point to it.”

She flashed a nervous smile at me before she looked back down. “I know this is inappropriate, but can I ask you a weird question?”

Joy. Because if that wasn’t what every queer person wanted to hear. “You can certainly ask,” I said, my voice careful, measured. Primrose cleared her throat.

“How do you… know?”

“That I’m gay?” It came out more pointed than I meant to. “I took a DNA test. Sample came out rainbow.”

She laughed nervously. “I don’t think that’s a thing.”

“What, are you asking me if I’m really really sure?”

“No—nothing like that.” She put her hands up, eyes wide, before she dropped her gaze back to her feet. “I just always wondered if I’m… but, you know. I feel like it’s supposed to be obvious.”

My stomach dropped out. It took a second of nervous swallowing to put words together. “You mean… you’ve wondered if you’re gay?”

She cleared her throat hard, kicking at the floor. “I mean, I know I like boys. But I just… I don’t know.”

Oh, god. This wasn’t what I needed right now. Or ever. She wasn’t awkward about it because she was homophobic, she was awkward about it because she was questioning. And I didn’t need the thoughts that put into my head. I swallowed. “Oh… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so defensive, I just thought—”

“No, I get it!” She put her hands up again. “I’m being really weird about it. And it’s a weird question to ask someone anyway.”

The waiter interrupted with two plates of steaming-hot food, but I could barely pay attention to it, just feeling my heart pounding as I waited for him to go again, smiling politely and thanking him and counting the racing heartbeats until he was out of earshot before I made myself find words again. “I don’t think it’s weird… I mean, if I’m not being sarcastic with you, I’ll be the first to admit it can be hard to figure out. I imagine especially if you like boys too.”

She gave me such a grateful look, I’d think I just saved her life. “Do you think so?”

“Yeah. I mean, society tells us a lot of what we’re supposed to be. And it’s not always what we are.” I shifted in my seat. “I think… it’s probably also simpler than we make it out in our heads. Sexuality is a spectrum. If you think you might be attracted to girls too, that’s all you need to know.”

She wrung her hands, shifting anxiously in her seat. “But isn’t it like… you’re supposed to know, right? You’re supposed to be born this way, all that.”

“There’s people who do feel like that. Then there’s people who don’t realize until they’re forty years old. I don’t know. Have you ever felt attracted to a girl?”

She looked pointedly away. I wasn’t reading into it—not on my life was I reading into it. “Er… I don’t know. I think it’s like—at what point are you attracted to someone, and at what point do you just think someone is really cool or pretty or… or whatever?”

I faltered. “I mean… has a girl ever seemed so cool or pretty that you want to kiss her?”

She shifted. “I don’t know… I don’t really know what it’s like to kiss a girl.”

I swear, she had to be doing this on purpose. I just hoped it wasn’t showing on my face… this girl was impossibly gorgeous, and being out on what would undoubtedly be a date in other circumstances, talking with her about what it would be like to kiss a girl, it was going to give me ulcers.

“Boys and girls aren’t actually from different planets,” I said. “Kissing a girl is a lot like kissing a boy. Just that it’s a girl instead.”

“How would you know that?”

I laughed. “We’ve all had our periods of trying to convince ourselves we’re straight. I had a full-on boyfriend in my second year of high school.”

She winced. “That doesn’t sound fun…”

“See, that level of recoiling from it. Feeling like it’s just wrong. Does the idea of being with a girl feel like that?”

She looked away. “I mean… no.” She shifted, fussing with her chopsticks. “So what does that mean? I’m… bisexual? It feels like a lot to just up and say that.”

“You don’t have to have any labels if they feel like too much. You can just be a girl who likes the things she likes, which might sometimes be another girl.”

She softened, giving me that heart-meltingly sweet smile she seemed to have down to an art. “I like that, actually,” she said, her voice soft. “A girl who likes the things she likes. Regardless of what that is.”

She has a boyfriend.I had to keep repeating it like a mantra in my mind, fighting away invasive thoughts. I smiled back at her. “I think that sounds like a great way to describe it.”

“You’re the one who came up with it, so I’m glad you like what you said.”

I paused. “I guess it sounds vain when you say it like that.”

She laughed, before it fell off into something awkward, wincing. “Er… you won’t tell anyone, right? I mean, it’s not like I want to keep it a dirty little secret, just… I don’t think I need to…”

“Of course.” I reached across the table, putting a hand on her arm, gently, feeling her soft skin on mine. “I’d never tell anyone without your consent. It’s a promise.”

She beamed, and I thought it just seemed so unfair that she could look that beautiful when she smiled. “Thank you, Giselle. That means a lot more to me than I can ever say.”

Ugh. I was going to die here. At least I had food spicy enough to cover up the blush.