Chapter 32 Jesse

I t was day ten, and I was losing my ever-loving mind. I snapped at Bryan that morning when he was asking for clarification on something, and I'd already apologized twice, but I needed to get it together. It felt awful to be this anxious all the time. Lauren was ready to block my number if I called or texted her anymore for her opinion on where Sam was on the whole "needing space" thing. I just couldn't deal. I wanted to be making progress and planning a stupid couple's Halloween costume that would make Sam blush and roll her eyes at me. I had been thinking about what Dr. Merrill said over and over again, and I knew it made sense, but I was terrified to push Sam and risk her walking away for good.

I'd struggled to finish the lists I was supposed to make. The hobby one was easy. I worked in a hardware store, so I figured I could try building something. My apartment needed character anyway, so I was going to attempt to make a coffee table. I'd already found plans and procured all the tools I needed, mostly from my parents' garage, and I was set to give it a shot that weekend. However, I was concerned I might slice my thumb off or something, given my level of preoccupation.

So, I was going to talk to her. I didn't think I was ready to make any proclamations or lay everything on the line, but I needed her to know that I was still here, and I wasn't going to let her disappear again.

MY HEART THUDDED IN my chest as I put my truck in park in Zinnia's driveway. I'd driven around the block twice considering if this was too invasive and maybe I should just text. But it was too easy for her to play off like she was just working things out and that she was fine , and I needed to see her. The fact that she was straddling me on my couch two weeks ago was starting not to feel real.

I knocked twice, again feeling like I should have texted first. I still had on my Garrett's t-shirt because I knew if I went home first, I'd chicken out.

"Jesse," she said as she opened the door wide.

She looked gorgeous even though she was clearly already in for the night in a pair of sweats and a hoodie.

Holy shit, that's my hoodie .

I'd forgotten I never got it back the night I brought her home from The Bar. Blood rushed in my ears seeing her wearing my clothes, and I effectively forgot everything I'd come there to say.

"Hey... I'm sorry to just drop by..."

I'm not really, though.

"It's okay, here, come in."

She stepped aside to let me into the guest cottage and gestured to a small table in a makeshift kitchen. The whole space was warm and inviting, and it made me wonder how to get that feeling in my own apartment. "Can I get you something to drink? I could make tea, or I have water or beer or —"

"Water would be great, thanks. This place is homey. I like it."

"I wish I could take credit, but most of this was Zin. You're right, though. I felt at home as soon as I walked in."

She seemed to falter over her last sentence and her brows drew together like that statement confused her, but she recovered quickly and set down a glass of water in front of me.

"How've you been?"

That's good. Start small. Work up to telling her you're pining away for her and want her to stay in Emberwood for you.

"So rude to start off with such a loaded question." She grinned at me, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Sorry, should we start with politics or religion?"

"Gladly," she laughed. "But no, I've been... managing since the hurricane that is my mother destroyed my carefully built walls that kept out reality. I'm trying."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"About my mother? God, no, that sounds terrible. How are things with you?"

She sipped her own water, and I wanted to break through this awkward polite thing we were doing.

"Ummm, well, I wish I could say I was managing, but I'm kind of losing my mind, to be perfectly honest. I, um, well, I miss you. I know we'd just sort of started hanging out again, but that's the only way I can describe it. I want to text you about new shirt ideas and have you explain to me what moon water is because Lauren mentioned that the other day, and I hate not knowing if I can. I'm not trying to pressure you into anything you're not ready for, and I'm fine giving you space or time or whatever it is that you need... I just wanted to tell you that I'm here."

"See? Totally loaded question." She smiled apologetically.

"Yeah. I didn't really ease into that, did I?" I ran my hand through my hair, wishing I could go back and try that whole explanation again.

"I miss you, too," she said quietly, but her eyes looked serious, not like she was saying it to make me feel better.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I really did mean it the other day when I said this wasn't about you... I sort of got here and jumped right into my denial phase and never looked back because it was hard. But the more I think about it, it was about you a little bit." She shrugged. "I wasn't dealing with losing my job or even thinking about what comes next because being with you made it easy to ignore."

"I don't know if that's a compliment or not."

"It is. I was a wreck when I left Rockford. I felt like I didn't even know who I was, but with you, I remembered. It's a compliment."

Her hand started to reach across the table, and my heart froze for a second, but she seemed to realize what she was doing and pulled back.

"I feel like there's a ‘but' coming. And I really don't want there to be." It felt like she was saying goodbye, and that was exactly what I was afraid of if I pushed.

"It's not a ‘but,' it's just an ‘and'."

"Okay, shoot."

"I like being with you. And I think there's something more here than just leftover feelings from six years ago. And that is terrifying because I may have come to a decision about staying here in Emberwood— don't tell Laur I told you first, though, or I'll call you a liar." I chuckled at that. "Because if it is something real, and it doesn't work out, which if I look at my track record, it's statistically likely that it won't, I will have committed to being in this town for the long haul. The thought of seeing you all the time after everything falls apart... it makes me wonder if we should just not go there."

My heart sank into my stomach. I didn't know how to convince a psychic that her version of the future was wrong.

"I understand what you're saying because I think you have the power to absolutely break my heart. It is terrifying. And if you tell me you don't want to see me anymore, I'll respect it, Sam, and I'll try to move on, too. But I made the mistake of letting you shut me out six years ago and not fighting to give us a chance, and I won't do it again. So, I guess I'm asking you not to decide tonight. I know you still have things to solidify, and I've got my own stuff I'm still working through. We both have a lot of crap to do to build our new lives. But I'm telling you that I'm in if you'd like to try to build something together."

She just swallowed hard, and I pushed back my chair to stand. She scrambled to walk me to the door. I paused before I walked out and let my hand rest lightly on her hip.

"Goodnight, Sam." I bent down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, hoping that it was platonic enough that it wasn't inappropriate, and I made my way back to my truck. It wasn't what I had hoped for when I knocked on her door tonight, but at least it focused my intentions. I knew exactly what I wanted now, and I wasn't going to take the easy way out.