Chapter 25 Sam

W hen he said those last words, my Aunt Zin's advice came flooding back from memories I'd re-lived a hundred times. She was always the one to show me the best parts of myself, and I was starting to think that's what Jesse saw when he looked at me.

We had both been so young that continuing to hold on to this hurt felt counterproductive. The man standing in front of me now was not that guy, and I was not that girl anymore.

With the image of The Hanged Man card in the back of my mind, I made my choice, knowing that nothing would ever work out without me deciding to make it so. I wanted some of that feeling back from when I was an idealist and had let myself believe, even for a second, I could have what I wanted. I may have been dreaming then, but I was fully grounded in reality now.

"I'm planning on kissing you. So, if you don't want that...you should probably let me know."

I took two small steps to close the gap between us and pushed up on my toes before letting him steady me. He hesitated for a breath as if deciding whether this was real before pulling me into his chest, his mouth crashing into my lips. One of his hands drifted up my body to tilt my chin higher as he stood to his full height and pressed into me. His tongue traced the seam of my lips, and I opened for him, the kiss taking on more urgency as he slanted his mouth over mine and explored without hesitation.

Suddenly, I was sitting on top of the desk, my back against the calendar I'd spent two hours updating the day before. I pulled my long black skirt up to my thighs so I could secure my ankles around him and pull him closer, sighing happily as his fingers traced up my arms and brushed over my chest.

"Sam..." Jesse breathed, one thumb tracing its way down my throat.

"Jesse..." I said back, fully appreciating his muscular form leaning over me.

"Tell me what you want. Just say it, and I'll do it." He bit down, leaving a trail of marks along the side of my neck.

"I don't... mmmm, please just keep doing that." He smiled against my collarbone and did as I asked. I was in a dangerous space between knowing I was at work, that this was too fast, and not giving a shit. His hands ghosted up my sides, playing with the band of my bra, and I sucked in a breath.

"I'm sorry." He leaned back, his hands now resting safely on my hips.

"No, no. I'm just about to forget I'm at work, and I..."

"Ah. Right. Yeah, okay, maybe we got a little carried away. But Sam..."

"Right?" I let out a laugh at the state we were in—all flushed cheeks, red lips, and wild hair. I tried to force the curls that'd tumbled free back toward my ponytail while he smoothed out his shirt where I'd grabbed it.

He looked at me like he was trying to have a conversation without words. I could feel his nervous energy despite having an overabundance of my own.

"You can say whatever is screaming to get out of your head." I smiled, though I did consciously put another foot or so between us as I hopped down from the desk. I didn't feel worried about whatever he was about to tell me, but I wanted to protect my space, regardless.

He exhaled.

"You said earlier that last night felt serious, and I wanted to tell you I am. I'm not trying to be casual with you, and I wanted you to know that before I left. Like, I don't want you to wonder. I've been trying to figure out how to be close to you again since I saw you in this shop . Not in, like, a devious way, just, god, I want to take you out, and I want to keep you in my apartment and do much more of this, and I want to listen to you talk about romance books and your psychic-ness, and...okay. I have to stop before I make this worse, but point being, I have to go back to work, and I don't want you to have to figure out what this," he gestured between us, "means. I'm telling you what it means. For me, anyway."

"You're really cute when you're nervous."

He bit his lip as he smiled hesitantly. "I'm really cute all the time, so obviously that applies to now as well."

I laughed lightly.

"For the record, I'm serious too. And we can explore just how serious we are when I see you later." I was not the girl who did cute, flirty little lines. But this wasn't the first time he turned me into her.

"You're seeing me later?" he asked, his smile reaching his eyes now.

"Well, we have to get started on the part about you taking me out and to your apartment to do ‘ more of that .' Is that not what you said?"

"I will pick you up at the house at 6:30."

I just nodded, unable to wipe the sunshiny smile off my face as he made his way out of the store.

AFTER DUSTING, CHECKING the tracking information for the new romance titles I'd ordered for the shop, and ensuring that all the supplies for the festival that weekend were labeled and boxed, I had run out of things to do and felt the nerves settling in. Determined not to spiral, I stopped where I was in the middle of the shop and closed my eyes, grounding myself in the space. I felt my ponytail brushing against my back, breathed in the honeysuckle candles I'd just set out and listened to the cars rolling down the street outside. My feet grew roots that sank through the floor and dug into the earth, and my crown chakra pulled in light. I sat in the little forest cottage in my mind, stirring cream into a cup of tea. There were no knocks at the door today; I wouldn't have invited in any energy anyhow; I just needed to settle my own for the moment.

It was unclear how long I stood like that—I lost time whenever I got into a state of any sort of meditation, but I felt right when I came back to the room, like I could breathe in twice as deeply.

I wandered the shop with no need for something to do, trying to let it just be the comforting environment it had always been.

"It feels light in here." I jumped at the voice behind me and whipped around.

"Oh! You startled me, Aunt Zin."

"Apparently," she replied with a smirk tugging at her lips. "I just came by to chat about the festival and see if you would want to offer live three-card readings for an hour or two while we're there."

"Hmm, I could do that." My easy agreement shocked even me as it came out of my mouth. "I was also going to do a raffle for a full reading with you—people just put down their email address to sign up for our email list. I want to do a monthly newsletter with some fun things, like a Tarot Card of the Month where I break down the major arcana or something similar with different crystals? Just to keep people involved and wanting to come in for readings or to order items from the website—which Jesse says will be ready soon."

The almost-smile from before was now a big smug smirk from my aunt.

"Sounds like it's all under control, then."

"I think it is! I'm excited for this weekend. The festival is going to be good for the shop."

"I agree. Will you be home for dinner tonight? I was thinking of making something Italian and delicious."

"Ah, tonight I won't. But I can be there tomorrow night!"

"Perfect. You can tell me all about your date with Mr. Garrett then. Enjoy your evening, Samantha." Her face gave away nothing as she gathered her bag to leave.

"You're not going to give me a lecture on detours and destinations and drop some wisdom about finding my path or some other road trip metaphors?"

"On the contrary, I think you can see all of that for yourself. Do try not to be a smartass, dear. Dinner at six tomorrow!" she called as she glided through the store and out to the back parking spot.

"Unreal."

I HAD BEEN READY FOR over an hour, and I had run out of things to clean or pretend to read when he texted.

JESSE: Hey- I am finishing up at the shop, and I can either pick you up and then stop by my place to change really quick, or I can go home first then get you. I'll just be like fifteen minutes later if it's the second option.

SAM: You can come get me first. I want to see your place anyway.

JESSE: Inviting yourself up to my apartment before the date even begins, huh? I like the way your mind works ;)

My breath hitched in my throat, realizing that's exactly what I had done. I knew he was teasing me, but after the way we'd left things at the shop, it absolutely sounded like—

JESSE: I can hear you overthinking from here. I was kidding. You can see my apartment, just be aware that it's boring.

SAM : I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm the psychic here. Stop trying to infringe on my territory.

JESSE: Sure thing. See you in a few.

I blew out a breath, both grateful that he stopped my spiral before it began and a little annoyed that I was predictable.

I heard the crunch of his truck's tires on the gravel. It was ridiculous that I was just going to sit here while he walked around to the guest house when I could easily go up to meet him, but I also got that this was more than just a first date.

Just let him do the gentleman thing .

He knocked twice on the door, and I walked slowly as though I wasn't just sitting here waiting for him.

"Hi," I said softly.

He was just in his Garrett's shirt and a thick flannel, but he looked delicious. Without a word, he braced his forearm on the doorframe and leaned down. His lips pressed to mine in a firm but fleeting kiss before he stepped back.

"Hi. I just wanted to remind myself that today was real," he murmured.

My gaze dropped to his lips, thinking maybe he should just come inside and stay there.

"You look amazing," he added.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes because, again, I was letting him do this first date thing. I had on a black lace bodysuit with a soft cream-colored sweater paired with jeans and boots. The bodysuit did do nice things for my boobs, but I didn't know that amazing was a fair assessment.

"You look very lumberjack chic," I remarked as he held out his hand, and we finally made our way to his truck.

"Unfair. I told you I had to change. Although, I don't think that's an insult. I believe I saw a lumberjack-themed book at your shop, so maybe that's a whole fetish I don't know—"

"Stop talking immediately." I laughed anyway as he bumped me lightly with his hip.

"I know you told me to stop talking," he began once we were in his truck, "but well, speaking of books from your shop..." He grinned and shrugged, opening his glove compartment and pulling out Pirates of Desire. "I highlighted and annotated my favorite parts."

I held the book in my hand like it might detonate.

"You annotated the book?"

"I have a history degree, Sam. I know how to highlight important events."

I started flipping through the book, and he had, in fact, highlighted and made notes on a great many scenes. "I can't decide if I should be impressed or if I need to lecture you about not making fun of romance novels because it's incredibly misogynistic."

"You think I would take the time to annotate twenty-three scenes in a pirate romance novel to make fun of women?"

"I don't know! Men make fun of the genre because it's... well, it's..."

"Porn on paper?"

"There's a plot! "

"I know! Hence the highlighting."

"I don't know what to do with you right now."

"Read my notes, obviously, and then we can see if we have any of the same favorite scenes because I know you lied when you said you hadn't read it."

I shot him what I hoped was a scowl, but I had a feeling that red splotches were creeping up my neck.

It was a short drive to his apartment, but by the time we pulled in, there were definitely red splotches taking over my chest and neck. I never got flustered anymore reading romance novels, but something about knowing he also read those scenes? And reading his gods-forsaken notes about how the merchant's daughter seemed to really enjoy being blindfolded with the captain's bandana... I was going to combust.

"I really do feel like I should warn you that my apartment looks like a robot lives there," he said as he parked. His voice interrupted the little world I was in while reacquainting myself with the story, and I pulled myself back to reality to get out of the truck.

"A robot?"

"I... well, I planned for this to be temporary. Until it wasn't. But I never put much thought into decorating it or making it my own, so it kind of just looks like an IKEA catalog."

"I like IKEA. Pillows, stuffed animals, meatballs, and Swedish candy. It's like a theme park."

"Glad you think so."

He opened his door and turned on the lights. It was clean and open, with quite a few windows, but he wasn't wrong. It was what I would have imagined fully furnished temporary apartments to look like.

"This is the antithesis of Lauren's place," I mused.

"Don't even get me started on how she refuses to step foot in here until I agree to let her decorate it."

"That sounds like Laur."

"Do you care if I take like the world's fastest shower? I was unloading a shipment because one of my guys was out sick today, so I'm gross. Our reservation isn't until 7:30, so we're okay on time. You can watch TV, or—"

"Jesse, you're still cute when you're nervous. It's fine, you can take a shower. I'll hang out, just point me to the remote. I also have reading material," I reminded him, waving the book like a fan in my face.

His lip curved up slightly, and he looked relieved. I plopped down on the big tan couch, which was more comfortable than I'd expected, given the very utilitarian feel of the rest of the space.

I opened his recorded shows, deciding I might need to cool down from the pirate story. I felt like I could tell a lot about a person by the TV they watched. He had the newest episodes of The Office and Parks and Rec , but my heart lurched when I saw he had reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer saved. Like more than an entire season's worth. And not just saved, but already watched . I selected one of the most recent episodes. He was in the middle of season two, the same as me. It was a solid choice for any fan, especially because evil Angel was so much hotter than broody Angel. I wondered how Jesse felt about Angel's hotness factor, and a smile spread across my face.

I tried to concentrate on the episode, but when I heard the water shut off, my brain reminded me that one, Jesse was naked on the other side of the wall, and two, that he was still watching a show that he started watching with me six years ago. And damn it if all the fluttery things weren't happening in my chest.

"I should have known you'd be watching Buffy ," his voice sounded from the door to his room behind me.

His hair was damp, and he was wearing a thermal that stretched across his chest, and the pushed-back sleeves revealed the fucking forearm tattoos. A girl could only be expected to take so much.

"Me, yes. But you? How long have you been watching reruns?"

He gave me a sheepish expression and walked over to fall onto the couch next to me. "I have watched all seven seasons of Buffy multiple times, actually. After, uh, well, after we watched some of it together, I kind of got into it. And then it became good background noise when I just needed the TV on, and then when I was laid up after knee surgery, it was an escape, I guess. But if you're wondering if I thought about you every time I turned it on..."

"No, no, I'm not saying—" My cheeks were red because that's exactly what I was saying.

"Then the answer is yes, Sam. I thought about you often. Not in, like, a stalker-y way. Just that I wished things went differently between us." He had picked up my hand and rubbed circles on my palm with his thumb as he spoke. The sensation was maddening in the best way possible. His ocean-blue eyes were so close, and that stupid soap smell that hadn't changed was heightened from the shower. I felt my body leaning into his with no input from my brain.

He dropped the hand he was holding and reached for me, too, our mouths meeting as I moved to his lap. His tongue traced my bottom lip slowly as his thumb dragged down to the pulse point in my neck. He explored my mouth with just the right amount of give and take until I couldn't remember why there would ever be a time when we weren't kissing because this was too good.

He grazed his teeth across my tongue, then my bottom lip, before kissing his way down my neck, licking a line back up the trail he'd left. I groaned involuntarily at that. I didn't know that was a thing that I liked, but now I wanted him to do it over and over. He was hard underneath me, and I rolled my hips, earning a groan in return. His thumbs ghosted over my chest, goosebumps erupting over my entire body.

Somewhere in my brain, I heard the words "Slow down." It was hard to tell if it was my own thought or if it was a clairsentient thing, but I knew if we didn't stop now, we wouldn't stop at all.