Chapter 22 Jesse

H er fingers flexed and re-gripped my biceps multiple times as she tried to convince me, or herself, I honestly wasn't sure, that we needed to pause and go home for the night. I would have done anything she asked in that moment, but I was terrified to let her walk away. My heart was still thumping far too loudly in my chest. Her curves felt so soft and welcoming under my fingers, and I didn't want to move.

"You can have a minute. Have as many minutes as you need, just... please, look at me." Her blue eyes were wide, and I couldn't quite read her expression.

"I am so afraid that you're going to walk in there and come up with all kinds of reasons this was a mistake."

She swallowed hard and glanced down, letting me know I was right on the money.

Shit.

"I am asking you to, please, not do that. Not that you can't decide you don't... or that this isn't... damn it you make me nervous." I laughed at myself and was relieved to see her mouth turn up into a small smile. "I am not trying to tell you how to feel. Just give this maybe 24 hours before you decide and let us talk about it." I threaded my fingers through hers and felt slightly better when she rubbed her thumb along the side of my palm.

"I will try."

"Thank you," I murmured.

Gently, I untangled our hands to rub her arms lightly, and I leaned in to kiss her on the top of the head. It was a far cry from how I wanted to kiss her, but I would be damned if I screwed this up again.

"Goodnight, Jesse," she said, finally making her way up the walk.

"Goodnight."

IT WASN'T TOO FAR TO my apartment, around a ten-minute drive, but I might as well have teleported there for all I remembered of it. My brain was still back in her driveway. That was the best kiss of my life. It had also been impulsive—we still hadn't talked about our history, and I knew that we'd have to. But selfishly, I was so glad to have that kiss before we went there. It felt uninhibited by our past, even if that was absolutely untrue, and it was like diving off a cliff.

I grabbed a glass of water and was prepared to pass out, feeling happier than I had in a long time, but this entire night triggered the memory of our first date like a movie playing in the background of my thoughts. I cringed a little at the fact that our first date had come after we'd slept together. I should have been better than that.

Maybe something to bring up next session , I resolved.

For now, I let the movie reel take over.

I'd spent an embarrassing amount of time figuring out what to wear. Christy and I had been together since the 8th grade... the act of dating someone new had me completely out of my depth. My hair was still damp because I underestimated how long I would stare at my closet before I showered, but I showed up outside of her aunt's house in a light gray button-down open over a white t-shirt. I felt like I was dressed for a middle school dance, but Lauren had given me her seal of approval, even if it was accompanied by the threat of bodily harm if I screwed things up with Sam.

The door swung open, and all was forgotten when she smiled at me. Her hair was out of its usual ponytail and floated wildly around her. She had on a flowy skirt with some sort of top that showed her back, and I was immediately a fan.

"Milady," I said, bowing and pulling out a yellow daisy from behind my back.

"Thank you." She laughed, smoothing her skirt with one hand as she took the daisy with the other.

"There is a possibility that I picked that from your aunt's garden on the way up to the door. Just so you don't give me too much credit. You look pretty," I finished, hoping I was doing this right.

"Thank you again," she said, this time without the giggling.

My eyes darted around the room behind her before landing back on her. "Can I kiss you? Or..."

"Or is my aunt going to jump out and hex you?"

"Something like that."

"You're safe."

I immediately relaxed—being close to her was the one thing I was sure of. I pulled her hands into mine and threaded our fingers together before bending down to press my lips to hers. Goosebumps appeared on her arms as I rubbed small circles on her palms. I didn't care about the date anymore, really. I just wanted her to keep kissing me like she'd been thinking about me as much as I'd been thinking about her.

"I'm not an expert, but I think this is an excellent start to a first date," I said when I finally stepped back.

"Totally agree. Should we quit now while we're ahead?" she asked as she followed me out and locked the front door.

"Not a chance. I have spent far too long coming up with what to do tonight, and it might be boring, but now I have to see it through," I said, only half-joking. "We will have a picnic and then go to the drive-in. I brought my dad's truck and an obscene number of blankets so that we can watch the movie from the bed of it."

"That sounds like the best night ever. Definitely not quitting now."

"Definitely not." I opened the passenger door to the black Ford truck when we made it down the front walk. "Did I tell you that you're cute?"

"Not since we left the house, no."

"So, so cute." I gave her one more kiss before heading to my side of the truck, and I wondered how in the hell I was going to make it through the night without my hands on her.

We drove to one of my favorite parks that sat right on Lake Eerie, and the sun was just sinking closer to the horizon; no intention of setting yet, but that was fine with me. It made me feel like we had more time than we did.

"I did not cook. I'm sorry, but not really because I didn't want to kill you. I picked up soup and sandwiches from the cafe. For you, I got you baked potato soup and turkey on a bagel—is that right? I asked Laur."

"Thank you for not cooking. And yes, that's my order." She happily took the cup of soup and the paper-wrapped sandwich from my hand and settled in at one of the picnic tables overlooking the lake.

"So, Sam, tell me something I don't know about you."

"Ay. That's difficult. You've known me for a long time."

"Okay, we'll start with an easier one. It's also the most annoying question in the world for an almost senior, so, sorry. What are you going to do after high school?"

"Ughhhhhhhh," she groaned, laughing.

"I know, I'm the worst." I grinned before taking a giant bite out of my ham and cheese.

"Fine, fine. Probably community college. I was hoping Zin would let me live here for a while and help with the store while I take classes over in Centerville. I'm hoping to take as many online as I can. I'm thinking of graphic design? My mother is horrified that I do not wish to follow in her creative genius footsteps and be a starving artist, but well, I like not starving. I don't know. It seems very far away and like it's tomorrow. You?"

"I feel that last part in my soul," I replied, meaning it.

I'd been working for so long to get to this point that now that it was here, it didn't seem real.

"I've got offers to play at Xavier and Miami, but I haven't picked yet. No idea what I'll study. I don't think they let you pick baseball as a major. But yeah, it seems like a million years away."

"That sounds awesome. I didn't know you'd gotten offers to play college ball."

"Thanks, but I kind of killed the mood with my stupid question. No more serious topics, please. Let's just talk about our favorite cartoons or breakfast cereals or something."

"I'm down. My Little Pony, Popples, Care Bears, and Rainbow Brite. Easy. And Honeycomb. But honestly, I like almost all cereal."

"You had those answers really quickly."

"What can I say? I know what I like." She glanced at me through her lashes while she said it, and I couldn't stop the grin that spread across my face.

A flirtatious Sam was one of my favorites. We spent the rest of our picnic discussing incredibly important topics like the best condiments, Kool-Aid flavors, cookie types, and future vacation spots.

"Well then, you can tell me other things you like as our very first date progresses," I promised, cleaning up the picnic table. "The drive-in tonight is featuring both the new Indiana Jones and the new Batman. Your pick."

"I'll go with Batman, I think."

"Solid choice. It doesn't start for a bit, so we can drive around before we head over, or I can push you on the swings if you want." I gestured toward the swing set further down the path.

"Swings, yes."

"Really?" I laughed. "I was sort of kidding."

"Do not kid about playground equipment, Jesse Garrett. I love the swings."

"Your wish is my command."

It wasn't even an exaggeration. I would have done just about anything she asked. The sun lit up her curls as it set across the lake, and I had the urge to say things I knew I shouldn't. I swallowed them instead and grabbed her hand to pull her toward the swing set. It had been here as long as I could remember, but they had replaced the actual swings recently enough. She hopped up and looked at me expectantly. Instead of pushing her, I stepped in close and bent down to kiss her, one of my hands resting above hers on the chains and the other trailing up her stomach under her shirt.

So much for keeping my hands off her , I thought, not at all sorry.

We made it to the drive-in before the movie started, but only just. I put her in charge of situating the pillows and blankets in the truck bed while I got snacks. It was also just fun to watch her crawl around in the back of the truck, but mostly the snacks thing. There was a slight chill coming from the water, and it was exactly right for holding her under a blanket. The reality of her leaving in a matter of days kept trying to claw its way to the front of my mind, and I continued to push it back where it belonged.

"Red Vines and orange soda and popcorn, as requested," I said when I got back, my timing perfect with the movie previews starting. She clapped a little and scooted over to make room for both me and the food. "Not a chance," I argued, going to sit behind her instead, my arms wrapping firmly around her waist.

"Ah, good call. That is better," she flirted.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt this relaxed with Christy—it had turned into such a production all the damn time. Sam leaned back against me while the movie started, pulling the blankets up around us. I was far too keyed up to even enjoy any of the food. Her skin was warm under my fingertips on her stomach, and her breath came in soft gasps when my lips pressed to her neck, her shoulder, her ear while the opening scenes rolled. I could not have told anyone the plot of the movie.

She sighed contentedly and snuggled into my chest even further. When that stubborn piece of reality tried for the tenth time to make itself known, I simply let it know I'd deal with it only when I absolutely had to, but otherwise, it could fuck off. I tightened my arms around the girl in front of me and gave in to the fact that I was, without a doubt, going to crash and burn.

I might as well enjoy it while I can.

Not so much had changed then. I'd still do just about anything she asked, and I would, without a doubt, crash and burn all over again if it meant I got to be near her.