Chapter 15 Sam

I felt bad canceling plans with Lauren. I really was tired, but less in the way that I needed to sleep and more in the sense that I felt like any type of personal growth I'd been proud of in the past six years was just erased because I was, in fact, the same ridiculous teenager who very much cared what people thought of her. Trying to figure out a way to make that not true in my head was fucking exhausting. I just wanted a pair of sweats and an episode or ten of Buffy, and that would be great.

The sweats were not a problem. But as soon as I'd washed my face and began preparing for a Buffy marathon, a knock sounded at my door. I knew that as soon as I answered it, Zin would read me like an open book, and I'd have to talk about my stupid feelings. I just didn't want to do it. But this was also her house, so not answering the door was not an option.

"Hey, Aunt Zin," I said in what was hopefully a cheerful tone. "I was just going to get to bed early; I think the move and everything is catching up with me."

At least it's not an outright lie. All of it is catching up with me.

"Samantha."

"Yes?" I asked sheepishly.

"You are welcome to do whatever you want. But lying about it is useless. Your energy gets... twisty."

I sighed, but I didn't argue about it.

"I brought you food. You don't have to talk... yet. But the day after tomorrow is a tarot event at the shop, and I have readings booked for almost the entire evening, meaning I won't be able to take walk-ins. You will, though." She grinned at that and waited for my acceptance.

"Zin... I haven't read for strangers in years. I don't want to screw up for your clients or mess something up—"

"One, you're an exceptional reader— far better than I was at twenty-four. Two, I wasn't technically asking because you're technically my employee. But, because I am a kind and benevolent employer, you can just read for me tomorrow, be the charming salesperson you always are, and you can take over some readings for the next one. Fair?"

"Fair," I grumbled.

"Excellent. Unpack your decks and pick whichever one you want to use tomorrow. And here." She thrust a large tray of cheeses, crackers, salami, and grapes into my hands and glided back toward the main house before I could rebut her points. I guess I'm jumping into commercial tarot reading.

ON TAROT DAYS, ZIN always made the shop a little extra witchy. She'd make a simmer pot in her slow cooker at the front of the store so the smell of citrus and rosemary wafted throughout the space. She had turned on all the twinkle lights that were wrapped around most of the bookshelves and display cases. There was some kind of ethereal music playing lightly on the speakers. I brought with me the happiest looking deck I owned. No, it didn't technically make a difference because the cards were the cards... but when The Tower was in rainbow colors, it looked a little less menacing. My aunt was in the back getting her own deck and the decor for her table, which left me alone trying to keep out the memory of one of the last times Zin did an impromptu reading for me. I was failing spectacularly.

Zinnia was sitting in her front garden with a cup of tea when I got back from that first morning with Jesse. There was a contemplative expression on her face, but she didn't ask questions. The next morning, it was the same look over a latte at her shop when I showed up to help create a new crystal display. The third morning, it became apparent that she had something to say after another round of raised eyebrows and a "good morning" that sounded more like a question than a greeting.

"Yes, Aunt Zin, it is a good morning."

I couldn't have stopped smiling if someone had paid me. Being with Jesse made me feel bubbly in a way that was completely foreign. Another raised brow. She wasn't going to have any forehead left if she kept it up.

"You, my dear, have been bouncing around for days, energy coming off of you in waves."

"And?" I grinned.

"I'm not one to pry—"

"Aunt Zin, that's literally all you do is pry. Into everything. And you don't even have to wait for me to give you the answers to any of your questions because if you wanna know, you've already pulled cards about it and read my energy and—"

She held up the hand that wasn't holding her teacup to stop me, and her lips pressed together, trying to hold back her smile.

"Fine, I'll pry. You've convinced me," she said sarcastically. "This boy likes you. And you like him."

"This is not the best showcase of your psychic abilities, Auntie. Very vague," I teased because I knew she was only getting started.

I tried to tamp down the hesitation in my stomach, telling me I didn't want to hear what she had to say. Couldn't I just be infatuated with Jesse and enjoy it?

"Ah, maybe not. But sometimes, knowing things isn't the important part. Knowing people is. And I assume that if you wanted to see what choices lay before you, you would have read them for yourself or asked, yes?"

"Probably. I don't know. I... well, I just want to keep feeling like this, and I know if I pull a Tower or a whole mess of swords out of my deck, I'll have to brace myself for things that I don't want to think about. Do you think that's dumb?"

I bit my lip, really wishing I didn't sound so uncertain.

"I never think anything you say is dumb," she said sincerely. "Except when you asked me why people were called ‘human beans' and animals weren't called ‘animal beans'."

"Oh my god, I was seven, and it sounds like beans! You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"Definitely not. I'm going to put in my will that you have to include something about it in the eulogy at my funeral."

"Sure, sure. We all know you're immortal. It's in the tea, I suspect, some mixture of the tears of men who've wronged you and herbs bathed in the beams of the 7th full moon of the year."

"Shhh, don't say those things out loud." She grinned, her gray-green eyes squinting at me from across the table. "Enjoy the lightness of summer, and this boy, and all of it. But remember that you draw people to you , not the other way around, Samantha."

She paused like she was trying to collect her words, tapping a long nail on her coffee cup.

"What I mean to say is that I sense you feel lucky that you have Jesse's attention, and you're wrong. He is lucky to have yours. You're as magical as they come."

She seemed satisfied with that, and I knew I was free to walk away to dust the bookshelves at the shop, but I stayed with her in comfortable silence, sipping my coffee for a while longer before heading to get the cleaning supplies. I considered what she said, and I couldn't help but feel like she was wrong. Whoever this strong girl...er, woman was that she described? I just didn't see it when I looked in the mirror.

It didn't take long for my mind to drift to Jesse and that brew of worry and excitement and absolute shock to bubble up in my stomach. I could still feel a leftover buzz on my skin where his hands had wandered while we were not watching Buffy that morning. Because I was avoiding reality, I still hadn't broached the subject with Lauren, and it felt wrong. I knew I'd have to soon if we kept doing... whatever we were doing. A sigh escaped my chest. Things were on the verge of being far too real and complicated, so I vowed to wait just one more day to deal with any of it.

"Pick out whatever crystals you want for your reading, dear," Aunt Zin said, making her way from the back, carrying a large basket of fabric, candles, and crystals. She shook me out of my memory, and I thought my brain may not be fully present yet when I looked at her.

" What are you wearing?" I asked, not bothering to keep the laugh out of my voice.

She had on a bona fide witch hat. It looked to be a handmade witch hat, made of suede with ivory lace detailing. But never once in my life had I seen my aunt wearing a witch hat.

"You laugh now... but that's only because you haven't seen the one I have for you." She shot me a gleeful smile and pulled another hat from deeper in the basket. It looked like hers, but the lace was purple.

"You're completely serious right now?" I asked, taking it from her. It was surprisingly heavy. "You're not going to tell me that this is commercialization of the craft?" Zin had always been very against anything that made witches seem silly—certain movies, shows, Halloween costumes, etc. This was a departure.

"Sadly, it is the commercialization of the craft. But it's also a little fun, and I look magical in this hat. I may have calmed down a bit in my old age."

I put the hat on and turned toward the mirror. She wasn't wrong. The hats were fun. Wearing one even made me feel like I was kind of a badass witch. I followed her to the little tarot table to pick my crystals.

IT FELT EXCITING TO have my cards flying through my fingers. It had been a while since I read for someone other than myself, or occasionally Lauren if she was having a man conundrum. My Rockford friends weren't into anything witchy.

Maybe they were boring , I thought, recalling Zin's words when I'd arrived.

I put out my standard protection and guidance request to the universe before I finished shuffling, already feeling grounded in the space.

"Okay, hit me," I told my aunt, who was looking smug before I'd even done the reading.

"What does the next year look like for the shop?"

I laid down my go-to six-card spread and rolled my eyes slightly.

"Someone is going to come in and help you with the day-to-day in the shop so you can... be free? Those are the words I hear in my head, anyway. The image I get is canvases and paint, or even being a student? Or a teacher. I can't tell. Anyway, this... helper-person is a good choice for you, for the shop."

I refused to acknowledge myself as the "helper-person" because it would give her far too much satisfaction that she was right in pushing me to come back to Emberwood.

"Well, we shall have to find this helper person immediately and thank her." She gave me an incredulous stare and smoothed the lace on her hat.

"We certainly will. What else've you got?"

"Mr. Jack Henry."

I raised a brow. Zin dated, but since her husband passed decades ago, she'd never lived with another man or seemed like she wanted to remarry or anything. I laid down the cards.

"Genuine, kind," I said as the King of Cups showed up with The Star. "I don't know why, but he feels temporary, though? Not in a bad way, like he would disappear, just like there's a timer set to go off at some point."

Zin just grinned at me. "He is a dashing gentleman who is here for six months doing an artist-in-residence course at the college. I've agreed to dinner."

"How is even your dating life more exciting than mine?" I protested.

"Because I accept that I am exceptional, and it is normal for people to appreciate me. Honestly, Samantha, it's very simple."

"Super simple. Of course." I widened my eyes in annoyance at her and she laughed. "Anything else?"

"Should I let this new ‘helper-person' take over ordering new titles for the store?"

"No cards needed. Yes." I grinned. I laid down three cards to confirm, but all of my pentacles backed me up. Give me alllll the books.

"I didn't need the cards for that one either," she agreed. "We'll go over the process once the new inventory system is set up."

I just nodded excitedly. I'd been dying to revamp her book selection forever, and I was already making a mental list of romance novels we needed to have on display. A breath caught in my chest when I realized I was getting ahead of myself. It wasn't my store; it was just a project. I needed to slow my roll.

"And now it's your turn."

I sighed, resigned to her reading whether or not I wanted to hear it. I closed my session and put my cards away as she got hers out and shuffled. Her deck was gorgeous but much more traditional than mine.

"Do you have a question, or do you just want me to see what comes up?"

"Fire away," I answered.

Zin read differently than I did. I could just lay down cards, I supposed, but it made me nervous not to have a guiding question. She preferred to go into it blind, like opening a book without reading the blurb.

She laid down a much more complex spread of cards while I waited. I couldn't quite decide if I was dying to hear what she had to say or if I wished we could skip the whole thing.

"My darling girl, you have to be kinder to yourself."

"What do you mean?" I couldn't possibly do more ridiculous affirmations.

"I mean, you seem to take any course correction in your life as a setback or a misstep that deserves blame... or for you to punish yourself." She paused, and I recognized the look of waiting for the words to come to her. "But it's like you're too focused on the road in front of you instead of seeing the map of the entire trip. Just because you missed one turn doesn't mean the trip is ruined; it just means you'll get there a different way—perhaps a better way. But you're so angry at yourself for missing the turn that instead, you're missing all the amazing things on your alternative route. I promise I'll stop with the road trip metaphor; that's just how it's being shown to me."

I took a breath and wished it wasn't so shaky. This was why I was afraid of her reading; Zin was a master of her craft. Those words were like a punch to the gut because they were true. My throat tightened at the cutting analysis. I didn't want to miss out on things. It was why I did the stupid morning mirror talks. I wanted to make myself see the positive because I knew I had so many amazing things surrounding me. It just didn't feel like I was one of those good things.

"I can't see the destination, Zin. And I feel directionless." I didn't want to get into this with her, or with anyone, but her energy was so safe.

"The destination is for you to be comfortable in your own skin, to be surrounded by people who love and support you, and to be focused on doing something that fulfills you. There are a million different ways you can get there, Samantha. It's not a job, an apartment, a boyfriend. It's just you."

She paused, looking back at her cards. "To be fair, that last part wasn't from the cards or anything. That was just my life experience being packaged up into something that sounds like wisdom."

I chuckled at that, my throat relaxing slightly. "That's okay. I'll take your wisdom, too. Anything else I should know?"

"Just... they really want me to hit home that you're probably going to keep making detours, and your focus needs to be on how you handle them and move on, not trying to be perfect and never make another one as long as you live. This makes sense?"

"Yeah. Yes. I think, anyway. Are we sure I can't just do life correctly from here on out, though? Like, get a little life GPS if my people are so keen on road trip metaphors."

"They're pretty sure that would be boring. I don't know how many times I need to tell you that you're not a boring person, Samantha."

There was a question about Jesse on the tip of my tongue—if I should work with him or figure out a different way to get help, but customers started arriving for the event just then, effectively ending our heart-to-heart.

Just as well, I thought.

My little...fling, or whatever it was, with Jesse, had simply been a detour in my life, so I needed to leave it behind me and look ahead, like she said. I put on my best salesperson smile and readjusted my new hat, determined to live up to the title of "helper person" I'd so eloquently given myself.