Chapter 13 Sam

T he last hour kept playing on a reel in my head. I didn't know if I should congratulate myself for keeping his energy from overwhelming me or scold myself for still letting him affect me at all. Him and his stupid blond hair that fell in his face and the sparkling blue eyes and the I-never-even-needed-braces smile.

Such a fucking Leo rising.

I'd sworn to all the gods multiple times during that meeting. He had a tattoo that took up his entire right forearm. It could have been a skull. I was trying not to stare at it every time his muscles flexed.

Okay, it was absolutely a skull that had stitches across the top like a baseball, and it fanned out into flames at his elbow and wrist, and now I needed to know in exact detail what other tattoos he had because I had the flimsiest of all resolve in the entire universe. Oh, " I'll just be reserved and professional ." Until I fucking parroted the words I'd said to him the night everything imploded. I couldn't have made things more awkward if I had planned it ahead of time.

"And what a sneaky little bitch," I voiced aloud.

He did not just create a lunch date where there didn't need to be one. I could do all the design stuff over email, but no. Now, I had to think about that for an entire week on top of everything else. I aggressively re-did the romance novel display on the table we had used, trying to tamp down the excitement I felt at getting to redesign the Garrett logo and have fun with those t-shirts.

This is not a cute little collaboration. You will do them begrudgingly or not at all, I told myself.

It didn't matter that the shirts were genuinely perfect from a marketing standpoint or that I'd forgotten to hate him the more we talked. I remembered what it was like to be the focus of Jesse Garrett's attention, and it was just a lot. Even blocking out his energy, the brush of his gods damned shoulder still set off a host of swirly, fluttery things that I had no business feeling.

Super smooth recovery on that, by the way. He definitely didn't notice that you turned into an ice sculpture the moment he dared to brush your arm .

I finished the display and blew out a breath, now lost because I had nothing to do with my hands or my brain.

This simply will not do. Stomping, I made my way to the bathroom in the back and stared at myself in the mirror. If I could build myself up with my fake words of affirmation, it stood to reason that I could admonish my subconscious as well.

"You are a grown-ass woman. You can be a professional and do good design work and ignore his fucking forearms."

Or just turn the AC down so low that he will be forced to wear a jacket , I added silently.

I could almost feel my guides rolling their eyes at me now that my energy shields were long forgotten.

"No amount of flirtatious little murmured quips can make you forget how long you cried about him."

I shivered involuntarily. That moment he'd practically whispered in my ear had brought forth memories of all the softly spoken compliments and the near permanent goosebumps I'd had whenever we'd been together.

The increase in my heart rate was certainly unrelated to me slinking away from the mirror and flopping back down into the soft green chair to recall in perfect detail the first time I'd ever hung out with Jesse alone.

Reliving it is obviously the only way you'll remember why it's a terrible idea to have any sort of warm and fuzzy feelings toward him. The memory is for science. You can't argue with science.

Right.

I curbed my car in front of their house, even though I'd successfully parked there a thousand times that summer. Shit. I rested my forehead on my steering wheel, trying to be careful of my makeup. I was going to throw up. This is a sign that you shouldn't be here. You know it, your guides know it, the universe knows it. Shit shit shit. I hadn't even bothered to pull any cards that morning because I simply didn't want to know.

Wiping the sweat from my palms on my skirt, I shook out my hair, determined to make my waves bouncy and alive like the products I used all said, instead of flat and clumpy like the persistent humidity of Emberwood thought they should be.

I knocked twice at the Garrett's front door, the familiar scent of honeysuckle from the vines on their porch helping calm me a bit. Jesse answered, clearly at the tail end of pulling a t-shirt over his head. I waited for him to brush his blond hair out of his eyes and focus on me. The grin that lit up his face made me mentally stick out my tongue at my guides because that smile was enough to get over all the reasons I should have stayed home that morning.

"Hey, you came." His blue eyes subtly took in my outfit, which was perhaps chosen with more care than my usual tank top and jean shorts.

"Such a keen observer."

"Yeah, yeah, shut up." He rolled his eyes a little but moved over to let me into the house. It was so weird to be there without Lauren. I had spent every vacation in this house for the last seven years with her, ever since the summer before my fifth grade and her fourth-grade school year when we bonded over our hatred of the swim test at the Y. Because having that many people watch to see if you were going to drown was not a wonderful summer camp memory.

I'd never been at their house with Jesse, at least not with Jesse, and I felt like I didn't know where to go or sit. I still couldn't believe he'd asked me to hang out, secretively in a note on folded notebook paper even.

"Do you want something to drink, or... I guess you know where everything is," he let out, running his hand through his hair.

My stomach dropped, realizing that maybe the awkwardness of us trying to test the waters between friends and something else might be too much. If this were the swim test at the Y, we'd both be stuck in the shallow end. I wanted to be fine with it if that was the case, but my fear was that I would absolutely not be fine.

"This is weird, right? Is it too weird, though? Should I go? Or..."

Jesse laughed and licked his lips before answering. "We're just going to dive right in, then?"

"Apparently?" I said sheepishly. I was just never good at trying to beat around the bush.

"Okay then, direct it is."

He stepped closer to me, so I was trapped between him and the kitchen counter. The only words in my brain were "holy shit," because I'd convinced myself this little back-and-forth banter thing we'd had going on all summer was only flirting on my side.

"The only thing that's ‘too weird' right now is that I'm trying not to kiss you, and all I can think about is kissing you."

My brain almost imploded at his words.

"Oh my god, that's such a cheesy rom-com thing to—"

He kissed me to shut me up, and it was extremely effective. His thumb traced my jaw and down my neck to my collarbone, and I just held on to his belt loops for dear life because I was drowning, fully in the deep end, and I absolutely didn't want to be rescued. I sank into the kiss and let myself forget he was my best friend's brother. And that he had just broken up with his longtime girlfriend. And that I had to go home at the end of summer. None of it mattered when he kissed me like he'd been thinking about doing it for as long as I had.

He pulled back slightly, his thumbs now resting above the band of my skirt.

"Cheesy romance movies are fan favorites for a reason, Sam." I didn't even have a witty retort for him because my brain was only static by then.

"Mhm," I managed. Jesse just smirked and tugged on my hand.

"C'mon, let's go watch an episode of Buffy or Charmed or one of those other witchy shows you and Lauren record, and you can talk about how the magic is right or wrong or whatever."

My heart almost flew out of my chest, and I felt a smile take over my entire face as I followed him.

"Why are you smiling like that? It's weird. Put your normal eye-roll back on your face."

"Nope! You know my shows."

"Yes, because you insist on watching them at my house repeatedly. What was it you called me earlier? A ‘keen observer'?"

I sighed happily as we sank into their oversized sofa.

"Buffy, please."

I just continued to grin, but I was kissing him again by the time the theme song ended, and he'd pulled me onto his lap before the end of the first episode.

"That storyline was just mind-blowing. I totally get why you like this show," he deadpanned.

His hands had found their way to my ribcage, and I hoped he couldn't feel how fast my heart was beating. I was floating.

"It's a classic, yes."

"Erm, my mom and Lauren will be home from the gym soon, just in case you didn't want to explain... well, this to her."

"Ah, yeah. You're probably right." I hadn't really thought about what this looked like for Jesse and me beyond this morning. Telling Lauren about it was an entirely different problem.

"I don't mean to, like, kick you out or anything. I'm more than happy to keep you right here for the rest of the day." He flashed me a grin and planted a kiss under my ear.

"Well, I'll likely be back in a bit to hang out with Laur, but I assume the agenda will look a little different."

"Come back tomorrow morning. They're doing some sort of boot camp class all week long." The pragmatic part of my brain told me not to be too available, that it wasn't attractive. But I felt his fingers shift beneath the clasp of my bra, and my arms and legs broke out in goosebumps.

"Mmkay." I let him kiss me again before sliding off his lap and pushing myself off the couch. "I'll see you later."

"Hey, Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really glad today happened." He shot me another smile that made me want to melt.

"Yeah? Me too."

I didn't remember the drive back to my aunt's house, but there was nothing else about that morning that I would ever forget.

I cursed inwardly as I let the memory play itself out because, damn it all, I could still feel his hands on me and how his words buzzed over my skin and made me want to giggle and kick my feet. I hated that I was ever na?ve enough to think that the friends-to-lovers or falling-for-my-best- friends-brother tropes were meant for me when they so clearly were not. I also hated that I couldn't even see myself in a happily-ever-after anymore. As time went on, it was clear that I was more of a minor character in someone else's romantic plot.

Or someone at the office you use to pass the time . We could call it lovers-to-enemies, I thought bitterly.

I wished there was a spell I could do to make it so that I could be the first choice. I was so tired of always being second—in relationships, in line for a promotion—it was exhausting.

I wasn't surprised that my cheeks were wet. The tears really had little to do with Jesse, if I was being honest, though blaming him would have been easier. I'd probably needed a good cry since I got to town, and I had been flitting around like a bee on a mission instead of feeling the weight of everything.

Ugh. I was going to have to double the affirmations to get my brain out of this downward spiral. With a shaky breath, I decided that 4:30 was close enough to the end of the day to lock up and head home. I would burn extra herbs tomorrow to clear out whatever bullshit energy this was—I was not a fan.