15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Darren

It was Christmas Eve, and I headed to Christian's house. They'd asked me to stay over to have a happy holiday with them. Part of me felt a little guilty for leaving Mom behind with Dad. Then the worry hit that he'd hurt her while I was gone. But I couldn't stay to protect her forever. Eventually, I'd be in college. Maybe I could get her out then. The likelihood of her leaving him was slim, though.

When I pulled up to the house, I grabbed my backpack, which was stuffed with extra clothes and some toiletries, before grabbing the paper bag that held the wrapped gifts by the handles.

I hoped they liked what I bought. It wasn't easy to buy something thoughtful when you didn't know the person well. Christian was easier than I thought .

I gave Mom her present before I left, and she loved the spools. She put them on the dining table with pillar candles. It was the first time I'd made money of my own to actually buy something.

Dad didn't even notice, and if he did, he didn't say anything.

Christian's house was covered in white Christmas lights, with boxwood wreaths on every window and an even bigger one with red plaid ribbon on the door. Electric candles stood inside each window. The place was so homey and inviting.

As soon as I knocked on the door, Bean and Bubbles were yapping loudly.

The door whooshed open so fast the door knocker knocked again. Christian stood there looking so damn cute, with a huge smile on his face. He wore a dark red sweater with a knitted Jack Russell dog wearing a Santa hat. He wore jeans with holes and red socks with Christmas trees on them. To top it off, his earrings were little Christmas ornament balls in gold.

"Merry Christmas!"

I burst out laughing and walked inside to the smells of cinnamon, some sort of roast, warmth, and happiness. I had no idea that warmth and happiness had scents, but apparently, they did.

"Merry Christmas, Gorgeous," I said.

Christian practically jumped on me, and I scrambled to hold him with my hands full. He pressed his lips to mine, and for a second, I panicked, forgetting that we could kiss here.

He climbed off me and smiled meekly. "Sorry, I'm just glad you're here."

"I'm glad I'm here, too."

I thrust the bag at him. "These are for you all."

"Oh! Christmas presents! Nice!"

Christian rushed over to the living room, where they had the tree and a roaring fireplace, and put the presents under it. The tree was so pretty, and every ornament was different; like each one had been handed down from generation to generation.

I swear to fucking god, this was right out of some Hallmark movie. All we needed was snow and kissing under the mistletoe as the finishing touches.

I just stood there in the entryway, watching the scene unfold around me. It was oddly surreal, and I didn't know what to do with it. I felt so out of place, almost like I didn't belong.

Christian's mom walked over, wrapped a hand around my biceps, and pulled me inside. "Sit, Darren. We'll have dinner shortly. Can I get you some eggnog? Alcohol-free, of course."

Of course, there was eggnog. Did people really celebrate the holidays like this? I always thought that was just in the movies or on TV.

"Uhm, sure. Thanks."

"I'll get it!" Christian ran out of the room and into the kitchen.

"How's that truck of yours running, Darren?" his grandad asked.

"Ah, good. She's still a mess, but each time I tinker on her, she gets better."

"How are your parents? What are they going to do without you?" his grandma asked.

"Uhm…"

Tally sat next to me and patted my shoulder. "How's school? Are you planning on going to college? Do you have one picked out yet? Christian said you're going to try to get a football scholarship. He hasn't talked about what school he wants to go to."

"Oh, are you going to play football in college? Boy, I'd sure love to watch you play," his grandad said.

"You're not just going to rely on football, right? What are you going to major in?" his grandma asked.

I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans, feeling suddenly hot. Sweat trickled down my spine, and it beaded on my forehead .

I didn't belong here. My parents never asked me questions like that. They didn't care except for me to succeed so I could get them into a better life. Well, Dad did. I didn't know what Mom wanted or if she was allowed to enjoy or want anything at all.

"Sweetie, are you okay?"

Who asked that? I couldn't tell. The room was getting a little wobbly, and I struggled to focus. Deep inside, I knew I was starting to have a panic attack, but I'd never had one before, so I didn't know what to do.

I struggled to find air. And fuck, I needed to get my sweater off. So damn hot. I tugged at the collar, which felt like it was strangling me.

"Darren?"

Why did it sound like I was in a tunnel?

"Dare?"

Christian .

"Everyone stand back. Christian, get Darren to focus on you."

"Okay."

"Darren, what color are my son's eyes?"

I stared at Christian, who stood close enough but didn't crowd me. "Uh, they look like a dark copper penny."

"Good. Does he have freckles or clear skin?"

"He, uhm, has one… two… ah… four… eight freckles. He's got a zit on the right side of his forehead."

Christian snorted, holding his laugh in.

"What color are his earrings?"

"Gold."

The more I focused on Christian, the calmer I became. My breathing grew steadier, and my heart didn't feel like it was about to Alien out of my chest.

"I… I feel better."

Tally stood squatted next to Christian with concerned eyes, looking up at me. "Do you get panic attacks often?"

I shook my head. "This would be my first. "

"Well, if they happen again, just find something to focus on, pick out every minute detail, and breathe. Can you tell me what brought this on?"

My fingers tugged at each other. "I'm just not…"

"Mom, let me take him to my room, and I'll open a window up there. He looks really hot. I think this is a… lot for him."

Christian grabbed my hand, helped me stand, and led me out of the room. I was finally calmer, no longer feeling like I was about to burst a blood vessel in my brain.

I stopped and turned around. "I'm really sorry I ruined your evening."

All three of them talked at once, telling me it was okay and that I hadn't ruined anything.

When we reached Christian's room, I sat on his bed. He opened one of his windows and let in the frigid air, which instantly cooled my inflamed skin.

"Sorry," I said.

"Don't be. It's not your fault." He handed me his furry pink pillow. "Here, this pillow always makes me feel better."

I pulled the pink, soft cushion against my chest. "Thanks. They just started asking me all these questions, and they cared about the answers, too. I went from always being ignored to having everyone's attention. I'm used to it in football, but not… personally. Everything started to feel out of place, like I didn't belong here. It's too good, if that makes sense."

I turned to face him on his bed and folded my legs, hugging his soft pillow.

"That pillow is magic."

I exhaled a laugh. "It is."

He rested a hand on my knee, careful not to crowd me yet. "I'm sorry you felt out of place, Dare, but I'm going to be blunt…"

Here it goes. I upset him, and he's going to tell me what a nutjob I am .

"Okay…" I said, looking down at the pillow.

"You fucking belong. And my family are good people. If they like you, then you belong." He grabbed one of my hands and played with my fingers. His nails were painted red with little trees on them, looking like his socks. They were so like Christian.

"Dare?"

I looked up at him. "Get used to goodness and being around my loving family. Do you know why?"

I shook my head.

When he didn't say anything, staring down at our entwined hands, I squeezed his fingers. "Tell me."

"Because… maybe it's early. We've only been together three months, but… I've fallen for you. You've become so special to me, Dare. I love how you protect me, and the way you lift me up like I weigh nothing and kiss me. I've never felt so safe." He reached for my face. "You are so good and kind and smart despite what you believe. I wouldn't accept anything less. I… love you."

At that moment, I ceased to exist. I combusted. Christian loved me. All my panic and worry about being good enough vanished into thin air. His words meant everything. How odd that one declaration made my fears disappear and instantly filled me with hope and happiness.

"Shit, I fell for you the first day I saw you at school, after you stumbled into me. You've become my safe space away from all the negative emotions. You're the single lightbulb in my dark room. It sounds stupid—"

Christian gasped. "It doesn't sound stupid at all. I like that."

"Before, my motivation and drive were just to get out of this place. Now, it's you who gives me a true purpose. You're a place I can go to when I need to find happiness. You're like my home, a place I actually belong. I didn't even know I was looking for a home until I found you."

"God, you're going to make me cry, Dare."

His eyes watered as he gnawed on his sweet, full bottom lip.

I leaned forward, tugged it from between his teeth, and kissed him. My body was about to combust again, but for different reasons. I was no longer panicking, but loving. No longer was I afraid, but confident. No longer did I feel insecure, but deserving. This feeling wouldn't last. I knew well enough that love doesn't cure everything, but for now, I finally felt at peace.

"How'd I get so lucky?" I whispered against his lips.

His eyes grew so large and filled with love. "I'm the lucky one. You changed me in a good way. You helped me to not be so afraid and not judge others based on how they look or about their past. Everyone deserves redemption if they try for it."

Christian reached for an unopened envelope sitting on his nightstand. "You also make me brave, Dare. I mean, I'm confident in who I am and comfortable in my own skin, but I still struggle in a lot of ways."

"What's that?" I asked.

His watering eyes now leaked down his face. I brushed the tears away with my thumbs as I cupped his face.

"It's from my dad. I got it in the mail yesterday."

"Fuck, that's right. You were supposed to spend time with him tomorrow. He backed out again, the asshole."

"I know it's just a card, and he probably put something inside as if it makes up for being neglected by him. I mean, why send me something if I'm still seeing him tomorrow? I haven't opened it because I don't want to know if he's going to back out again. And that maybe we aren't as close as I thought we were. I'm questioning if he even loves me. This card right here represents him doing the bare minimum as a father."

As he was about to open it, I put my hand on his. "You don't have to. Why don't you send it back and say, ‘ Fuck you ?'"

He chuckled, but there was no humor in it. "I couldn't do that because what if I'm wrong or what if he really can't visit me? It's stupid to have that hope, but it is what it is. Plus, sending me something is the least he could do."

"Sure, but you'd rather have him here than a gift."

He met my eyes and nodded. "Exactly. "

Christian opened the envelope with trembling hands and pulled out a card with a picture of a dog wearing elf ears. When he opened the card, a check fell out.

"Merry Christmas, Christian. Sorry I can't be there, but I hope you can use this money to get whatever you want," he read out loud. "It feels so…"

"Anticlimactic? Uncaring? Not enough?"

"Yeah…"

Christian picked up the check. "Shit, that's a lot of money."

I took the check from his hands. "Fuck me. It looks like he's buying your love. A thousand dollars?"

He suddenly growled, snatched it from my hands, and was about to tear it in half before he stopped himself. His hands rushed to his face, and he cried into them.

The amount of rage I felt for his father was nothing in comparison to the anger I held before. Hurting Christian like this felt so fucking unnecessary. He deserved the world, not to be shit on. We were just kids, and our parents owed us their love, dammit. We didn't choose to be here or our parents. They chose us.

I lifted Christian, plopped him on my lap, and held him as he cried. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his face into my neck. Hot tears soaked through my sweater and shirt as I held him tighter.

"If I ever see the bastard, he's going to know how much he's hurt you, and he'll think twice about doing it again. You're such a good person, baby. If anyone deserves love and respect from people, it's you."

I held him like that for a good thirty minutes. We didn't say another word as he finally calmed down and played with my hair.

"We better head downstairs. I'm sure they've been waiting for us to eat dinner," he said.

"You okay?"

He shook his head. "No, but I will be, thanks to you. Are you?"

"I am now. "

Christian cleaned up his face, and we headed downstairs. Everyone looked at us expectantly, and his mom instantly knew something was wrong. She rushed toward her son to hold him.

"It's your father, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Okay, honey. And how are you feeling, Darren?"

"I'm better, thanks to you and Christian. I'm… really sorry for my behavior, though I couldn't help it. It's… I'm not used to this… love and…"

She reached for my arm and gave me a gentle squeeze. "I understand. It's okay." She had no idea of my home life, but it was obvious it wasn't good.

His grandparents stood and patted my back affectionately. "Now, let's eat dinner. We have a lovely roast thanks to Bea's talent in cooking," his grandad said.

"Sounds good to me. I'm starving."

But it wasn't food on my mind. An idea popped into my head for another Christmas present for my baby.