Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

JAMES

Three days later.

She checked herself out of the hospital during the time I was away for one hour to shower and change my clothes. Before that, the doctors wouldn’t tell me a whole lot because we weren’t married. The only information I was given was that the miscarriage of our baby boy was probably a result of blunt force trauma from the fall, but not certain because there were indications she might have been bleeding before she fell. Otherwise, she sustained no other critical injuries despite falling several feet down an unforgiving concrete stairwell. A miracle really.

She never lost consciousness and was able to make it to the elevators and up to Caleb’s place after she’d caught her breath. She told the police everything once they arrived and reported her injury to the doctors at Mass Gen. My father was arrested for assault and for fleeing the scene of the crime. Security cameras caught it all. When asked if she wanted to press charges she answered, "Fuck, yes."

Other than that she didn’t say much to me. Very little beyond "I’m so sorry" many more times than she needed to. What did she even have to be sorry for? Obviously she felt guilt for the miscarriage even though we all told her it was not her fault. Her mom, her sister, Brooke, Caleb, Lucas, and even Wyatt came to sit with her; repeatedly assuring her nothing that happened was her fault. She wouldn’t accept it from any of us, though. Stubborn as they come, nobody was going to change Winter’s mind until she wanted it changed.

I didn’t know where she went when she left the hospital or how to find her. My Winter was just…gone.

And my life was as good as over if she didn’t come back to me.

One week later.

There wasone thing that gave me an immense feeling of accomplishment, though.

Delivering to my father the terms of what would be my mother’s divorce settlement. My only regret was that it wasn’t done from inside a jail cell. Unfortunately, when Winter left town, he couldn’t be held without her statement. It didn’t really matter because I’d taken care of him, jail time or otherwise. I’d heard the spliced together audio clip he’d played for her, rearranging my words to make it seem like I was using her at his direction. I think I hated him for that deception most of all.

"She will have the house in Weston and the beach house on Blackstone Island. Assets will be divided as such." I slid over the list of demands and a pen. "After you sign, I’m presenting the restraining orders for my mother, Victoria, Winter and myself respectively. If you violate any terms of this agreement you go straight to jail. No passing GO, or collecting anything other than a colored jumpsuit to add to your wardrobe. You attacked a pregnant woman, and in doing so murdered the grandchild you wanted so badly. You then fled the scene of a crime that you committed, leaving her bleeding and alone without medical attention. You are finished, Robert—with me, with everyone who’s connected to you by blood or marriage or profession."

He was finished with being a judge too. That pesky criminal record and all…

After he signed, I placed the documents in my briefcase and walked right on out the fucking door without looking back. There was more that I could have said to him, but I decided that I didn’t need to. I would never speak to him again if I could help it. Maybe I’d get my wish, maybe not. As far as I was concerned my father died the moment he put his hands on my Winter and hurt her so badly she had to run away.

Two weeks later.

I started sendingpictures to her phone. Pictures of good things that would show her there was happiness all around because of her good work. One was a picture of the two ponies now living in the barn at the Sherborn house. Shane and Brenna helped me choose them, naming them George and Martha after characters from a book they liked. Another was a video of my mother leading Brenna around the ring on Martha for her first riding lesson. My mom had been quite the equestrian in her younger years, and now that she was finally free from the devastating grip of my father’s control she was coming back to life again. She wanted to start an equine therapy program at Sherborn for children and adults with special needs who could benefit from the unique healing treatment of connecting with horses.

I sent a picture of Alanna with the kids holding a handmade sign that read: WE LOVE MS. WINTER AND WE MISS HER VERY MUCH!!! I never knew if she received the pictures because she might have changed her number. So, I sent them to both of her emails just in case.

At night I slept on sheets I refused to wash because I couldn’t bear to lose the scent of her. I wrote her many letters on paper with a pen. I didn’t know how to get them to her but I still needed to write out the words for myself anyway.

And then, Caleb came to see me and told me where she was.

"She’s in L.A. with Wyatt. She said she needed to be far away from everything that would remind her of sad things and of the people she’s hurt. I’m assuming that’s mostly you, James."

"No. The only way she’s hurting me is by being gone."

If I could see her—and she could see me—I knew I could make things right again. I knew what she needed. She needed me to love her and tell her to start living her life again. She needed that push to come from me. I knew it down to my very core.

"That’s what I figured," he said evenly. "I was never here, brother. We did not have this conversation, okay?"

"Okay."

You’ll never know what this means to me, Caleb.

"Now, getcha ass going and bring my sister back home where she belongs."

"Get the fuck outta my way so I can leave for the airport," I told him.

"I’d take you there myself but I was never here and we never had this conversation."

I bear-hugged him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

The next day.

Malibu, California

I feltmy starved heart start up beating again when I spotted her walking on the beach. She was a ways off in the distance and walking in the opposite direction, but I knew it was her. She had on black shorts and a blue long-sleeved shirt.

Those long legs carrying her down the beach, and that chestnut brown hair blowing in the Pacific breeze were unmistakable to my eyes. I knew what my woman looked like even from very far away.

I gave five bucks to a kid to deliver my letter into her hand once she sat down on the sand to watch the waves.

I knew what I’d written by heart and watched her when she read it.

---

WINTER

The hairon the back of my neck started tingling the moment I stepped onto the beach. I sensed that something was about to change but had no particular reason for why I should feel that way.

The familiar ache that had been with me for three long weeks was finally starting to lessen. But maybe that had to do more with the emails I’d seen last night along with the precious pictures and the video he’d sent. I’d almost called Alanna to get the details on the new ponies but lost my nerve at the last minute.

I’d stayed silent for so long.

I was terribly afraid he wouldn’t want to hear me if I tried to reach out to him now.

James.

I’d hurt him and myself so badly. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him, but I had, and the devastation of that knowledge had pretty much cut me off at the knees.

I didn’t know how to begin.

I needed help taking my first step…just like the people I mentored at my job as a social worker.

"I’m supposed to give you this." A boy of about ten handed me an envelope marked simply ’Winter’ before taking off down the beach whooping and waving a five-dollar bill.

I opened the envelope.

---

Dear Beautiful,

I need you. I won’t stop telling you, or showing you how much I need you, either, until I’m dead. That’s my promise to you, and I will keep it.

I know you are feeling guilt about the loss of our son but you are not alone in that. I have guilt too, because guilt is an emotion we all feel when we love. I love you, and I loved our son for the short time we had him. I will not lose either of those feelings for as long as I draw breath. If you want to continue to feel responsible for our loss, I can’t take it away from you. It’s yours to own. You have the free-will to feel as you do.

But so do I. And my free-will tells me that I can’t live without you in my life. I need you. I need you to come home and love me. I need to be loved by you. I need you to start living your life again. Yes, you will feel sad when you remember, but going forward means you can take that sadness and use it for something good. I know you will find a way to make that happen. Everything you touch is good. I don’t know another person with as much goodness in their heart as you have inside your generous and beautiful heart.

It’s time for you to come home. There are people who love you who only want to feel your presence in their lives. And then there’s me, who will notsurvive without you to love me. I know this. I can live without the rest if I have to, but not having your love…I cannot do.

We can get married today or next year…or never.

We can have more babies if you want to or we can have dogs or cats instead. (I would prefer dogs.)

We can adopt teenagers if you want—some real difficult little shits that’ll joyride with my car and give me gray hair long before I should have it.

Point is, Beautiful, I’m not leaving this beach until you come over here to where I am waiting and tell me you love me, and that you want me to take you home.

Ever your kinky fucker,

James

---

I don’t remember gettingup from the sand, only that I was running and my legs were flying, taking me closer to my James. I didn’t even choose a direction; I just went to…where he was.

And then he was in front of me standing in the sand, his god-like physique on full display for me to devour. Every line of his sculpted body, his hard-set jaw, the eyes that spoke more volumes of words than I could ever comprehend—my beautiful man was here for me. He’d come for me…to bring me back home.

With his strong arms open—waiting for me to come to him.

His arms were open for me when I fell into them.

Heaven.

Once I was against him I felt the most immense sense of peace envelop me. My whole universe clicked back into place and the incredibly painful tightness I’d borne within my chest for weeks began to dissolve. Just from being in his arms.

James healed me in an instant with only his touch.

"I love you, James Blakney, and I can’t live without you either. I needed help taking my first step back to you, and back to my life in Boston. I needed help because I just wasn’t able to to make that first step on my own without you."

And nobody had known it except for James. He knew. He knew how to help me best and he always would.

He tilted my chin up with the side of his finger, so commanding and tender at the same time. The only man capable of holding my heart. "What’s the other thing you need to say to me, beautiful?" he asked.

"Take me home and marry me."

"Are you proposing to me now?"

"Yes, because once you told me some rules. One of the rules was for me to be honest and to tell you what I needed. You said that if I told you, you would hear me. So I’m telling you now, James. I need you to take me home and marry me."