12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Meghan

A s a little girl, all I ever dreamed about was finding my prince charming and riding off in the sunset after our fairytale wedding. However, my fairytale became more of a ghoulish nightmare. Now, I was left alone without my prince, and the thought of finding love again terrified me to my very core. Being loved and admired was something I had taken for granted with Wade. At the time, he cherished me and treated me like I was a priceless gift. Now, without him, I found myself craving his affection and desiring to just hear his voice one last time.

What would Wade think of my current predicament? Would he be ashamed of me for shamelessly flirting and leading a man on? Or, would he be happy that I was moving on-- which I totally wasn't. I sit back in my comfy chair and close my eyes. At times, when I try really hard, I can still see his smile and hear his voice when he would say my name. A shudder raced down my spine and I instantly jump, scaring myself.

Was that a sign that what I am doing is wrong? Shit, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I had believed that love would never fail, but love had failed me and Wade. It was gone and honestly, I don't think I will ever find something like that again. I know I should pull away from my computer right now. I should just ignore the email, and forget I ever read his words. But, I can't.

I hate this dangerous game I am playing with myself. I know what Kirsten and Stacey would say; go for it! You are young and single, Wade would want this for you. Regardless if they are right or wrong, my own heart can't take the pain of trying to replace Wade. Everyone else now was a stranger, they just don't matter as he did.

Chewing on my fingernails, I couldn't get over the email Ryder had just sent. My mind and heart were battling and it was causing my head to ache like I was being hit with a hammer repeatedly.

Shoving away from my desk, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to get out of the office for a while. Checking the time, I realized it was past my lunch break. I needed to run away for just a few minutes. Get lost in the electricity of the busy downtown streets.

Ten minutes later, I was escaping the confines of the office building and stepping out onto the loud and busy sidewalk. Palm trees lined the walkway and the sun shined brightly in the sky. Sighing, I had never been so happy to hear cars honking and people yelling. I needed to drown out my own voice right now.

My stomach growled, telling me I needed to hurry and find something to eat. There was a taco truck that would sometimes park on this street and they had the best fajita tacos. I began to head in that direction when a sight stopped me dead in my tracks.

Standing on the corner, staring straight at me was Ryder. He had a delicious grin plastered on his chiseled face. His muscular arms crossed his massive chest like he was annoyed that he had been waiting for so long. Was he waiting for me, or was this a strange coincidence? Something told me this wasn't by happenstance.

I walked along the sidewalk, trying to figure out what I would say. Our eyes had already locked, so I couldn't pretend like I hadn't seen him. In fact, this was the first time since the gala that I was seeing him in person. His face had haunted me every day since if I were being honest with myself.

As I approached him, he took the last step forward, closing the space between us.

"You must not take an early lunch?" he says, raising his eyebrows at me.

"What do you mean? How long have you been standing there?" I ask.

I eye him suspiciously. Ryder only smiles at me, there is no shame in his attempt to look like he just happened to be standing outside of the very business where I work.

"Well, I arrived around noon. I've been people watching for a while," he stated.

Nodding, I simply smirked. "Well, I need to get lunch," I said, turning to move away from him.

Suddenly, Ryder grabbed my hand and sparks of fire shot through me. I looked down at his hand on mine, my eyes wide with confusion and excitement. I wasn't sure what had just happened, but from the wild look on his face, he had felt it, too.

"Please don't go, yet," he pleads.

My breath falters and I am unsure what to say. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Realizing this, Ryder continues. "Look, I just want to take you to lunch. To talk and get to know you. I can't get you off my mind," he admitted. "Besides, you are working on an article about me. Might help if you really knew me outside of what you learn in the interview questions sent by Melanie."

I felt my heart leap into my throat and I internally scolded myself for being so affected by this man.

"I was just heading to a small taco truck around the corner," I stuttered.

"Can I come with you?" he asked.

"Yes," I say.

We begin to walk to the small truck. After ordering our food, Ryder follows me to a small bench. We sit down and begin devouring our food. After a few minutes of silence, Ryder finally turns to me. "So, this was a pretty good idea," he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

"It's one of my favorites," I admit.

"So, why haven't you been responding to my emails?" he asks.

I sat there for a moment, unsure of how to respond. I could lie, but something tells me with his experience as a SEAL, he would be able to read right through me.

"I can see that you are trying to divert me from the truth. I have been trained to hunt a liar," he says, his tone low.

Damn, that voice could do naughty things to me.

"Fine, I can tell you won't stop until you know the truth so here it is. I haven't responded because honestly, I don't know what to say. You are very sweet and I enjoy our email exchanges, but they can't lead to anything else," I say, my eyes locking on his. I need him to know that I am serious. "This can only be about business, about the article."

He chuckles and shakes his head. He takes his time cleaning up his lunch and even gets off the bench, throwing away both of the trash we had from lunch. When he returns to the bench, he rubs his hands on his dark jeans.

"Alright, I appreciate your honesty. But, I can't leave here without knowing why you are so against going on a date with me," he says. "And don't feed me the line about work."

My heart flutters a bit and I try to ignore the feeling. "If I tell you the truth, you will look at me differently and I don't want that. Can't you just accept that I am flattered, but not interested?" I ask.

"No way. Everyone is interested in me," he kids, his smile lighting up his entire face.

"Wow, cocky much?" I laugh. "Fine, you really are persistent aren't you?"

"I wouldn't have advanced in my career if I wasn't. Now, just tell me why you won't go out with me and I will leave you alone," he says. "A real reason."

Something tells me he isn't telling the truth now, but for some reason that I can't explain, I begin talking. "A few years ago, I was engaged to a wonderful man named Wade. We were really happy, but he died in a fire. He was a firefighter. Ever since then, I just don't feel right dating anymore."

The words come out of me so fast, I barely have time to breathe. I can't remember the last time that I said those words aloud. It was refreshing but also drew more painful memories that I wanted to keep tucked away.

Ryder listened carefully and unlike most people, he didn't get me that, ‘oh poor you' look I was accustomed to seeing when I talked about Wade. Something about how he just listened was comforting.

"I'm sure Wade was a great guy. But, if you don't mind me asking again, don't you think he would want you to be happy?"

It was the million-dollar question that I had been asked probably a million times. Sighing, I say, "Maybe. Probably. But, I just can't let go, yet. It feels wrong to think of myself with someone else," I admit.

I almost gasp at my own honesty. What is it about Ryder that makes me so vulnerable?

"I can understand how difficult it is to lose someone. I've lost plenty of people in my life that I loved dearly. But at the end of the day, the people we loved the most would want us to continue living. What if I make you a deal?" he asks, his eyes searching mine like he is trying to read my soul.

"Why do I feel like this deal works more in your favor?" I ask, trying to ease some of the seriousness of the conversation.

"Because it does," he admits, chuckling. I find myself drawn to the deep vibration of his laugh. It is mainly, but sweet altogether. "How about you and I just go out as friends? I'm sure you need friends and it would give me something to do that doesn't include the rowdy guys I work with," he says.

I think over this for a minute. I mean, if he is fine with just being friends, I don't see any harm in his proposal. However, is this something I think we can both do?

"Come on, I see that you want to say yes," he goads, nudging me playfully with his shoulder.

I want to say no. I want to get up and run away from this man who has me feeling things I haven't felt in years. I want to do so many things, but instead, I do the last thing I expected. I say yes.

"Ok, I will go out with you. Only as friends," I say, making sure I emphasize friends clearly.

Ryder claps his hands together and beams at me. "Great. I will email you a date and time, along with my number. We are in the twenty-first century, you know. Most people connect on their iPhones," he laughs.

"I am already regretting this," I say, rolling my eyes as I suppress my own laughter.

We exchange goodbyes and as I walk back to work, I can't help but notice the smile that hasn't diminished from my face. My cheeks hurt from smiling because if I am being honest, this was the most I had smiled in months-- possibly years.