Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

February 9 th

11:28 A.M.

This sucked but it was the right thing to do.

Ella knew that Miguel had told her she shouldn’t make any big life decisions until the dust settled a little and she was able to think more clearly, but the bottom line was, she just couldn’t see herself not coming to this same conclusion a week, a month, or a year down the track.

It was what had to happen.

Didn't mean she was happy about it or that there weren't about a million doubts running rampant through her mind right now.

As she parked her car at Prey’s office building, she wished Miguel was there with her. This would be so much easier if she felt like she had someone on her side.

While he might not have outright said the words at her place this morning, she knew what he’d been feeling and thinking and what his plans were for the future.

Those plans didn't include her.

He’d made her a promise to be there for her while she healed, and Ella one hundred percent believed he was going to follow through with that. If she texted, he’d answer. If she called, he’d come. If she needed him, he’d be there.

For now.

Until he knew she’d found her footing again.

Then he’d be gone.

While she wanted to hold onto him, keep him close, she appreciated him trying to keep a little distance between them. Looking out for her again. Because the truth was, she wasn't emotionally or psychologically okay, and if she wasn't careful then these tiny little feelings she was developing would quickly bloom into something more.

Something that would only wind up getting her hurt.

Last night was a one-off. Once she’d taken that first step, asked him to go upstairs with her to the shower, she’d made herself a promise. For one night, she was going to ask for what she needed, take anything he was willing to offer her, and pretend that maybe Miguel could be hers to keep.

If he hadn't had to leave so early, Ella prayed she would have had the strength to stick to that plan. They wanted different things, they couldn’t work long term, that was something she had to keep at the forefront of her mind so she didn't allow those teeny feelings to grow.

Still, what she wouldn't give to have him there by her side as she climbed out of her car and squared her shoulders.

Just as she reached the door to the building, her phone beeped with a text, and when she fished it out of her purse she saw Miguel’s name. In the few hours since he’d left her house, they’d texted at least a couple of dozen times, and every time he sent her a message she smiled, a tiny ray of warmth and light hitting her bruised and battered soul.

So much for keeping things in perspective and remembering that Miguel wasn't looking for anything serious and she wanted the whole white picket fence fairytale. Again, she was grateful that he seemed to be able to keep a level head because she certainly couldn’t. Although knowing he was doing what was best for both of them when she couldn’t quite manage it only made her fall for him more.

Miguel

You weren't supposed to be making

any rash big life decisions

Despite the clear reprimand in the words, Ella’s smile only widened.

It felt so nice to have someone looking out for her even if the only thing they were giving her was friendship. It was what she needed, and she was going to grab onto it with both hands and hold on. Hopefully, she could even convince Miguel to remain her friend even after things calmed down and she felt more stable and secure.

Ella

How do you even know what I'm doing?

Miguel

Eyes everywhere, honey

You best remember that

His words warmed her again, and Ella typed out a quick response as she strolled into the building that had been such a big part of her life these last several years.

Ella

By eyes everywhere I assume you mean

you’re texting with the guys following me

Miguel

I don’t give away my secrets ??

Seriously though, want me to come

right to Prey?

Can be there in 30

She did.

But she also knew that part of healing was going to be learning to stand on her own two feet and handle her life without a crutch.

Ella

Thank you but I got this

Maybe if you're not busy we

could do dinner tonight?

Just take out or something easy

Standing on her own two feet or not, this was a big step, and even though she knew she wasn't going to change her mind, it would still help to have a little company tonight because this was the end of an era and it hurt to be closing this door.

Miguel

Are you sure about this?

Ella

Yes

Miguel

I’ll be round at seven

Text me your favorite pizza toppings later

Good luck

Luck wasn't going to make this any easier, but Miguel’s support did. Knowing she’d get to see him later helped even more. Before tonight she was going to make sure she had herself in check. There could be no more making out, no more falling asleep in his arms, but she could still enjoy his company and soak up some of that strength he seemed to have an endless supply of.

The foyer was quiet. Dora Hibbert, the receptionist, wasn't at the front desk, but since she hadn't yet handed in her letter of resignation and key cards she didn't need to be buzzed into the secure side of the building.

Sadness seemed to echo around her as she walked through the halls for the last time. There were so many happy memories there. Not just of spending time with her team, but memories of happy moments with the former SEALs who ran the West Coast office of Prey, and with the women of Artemis Team who had all recently found love and peace after the man who had caused them so much pain had finally been caught.

Walking away was going to be harder than she imagined, even with the pain of knowing that they had all let her down softening the blow.

With a heavy heart, she knocked on the open door of Fox’s office and took a step inside. Since Fox had been the leader of the SEAL team, he was the unofficial top dog of the West Coast office even though technically all six guys had the same position.

When his dark eyes met hers, she saw the pain and guilt there. Felt it filling the room. It was so potent that for a moment, Ella second-guessed herself. If the guys felt bad about letting her down, could she find a way to get past it and stay at Prey?

No .

Don’t back out now.

You just feel bad because you hate when others are upset.

This time you have to do what's best for you.

Her mental pep talk did the trick. Reminded her of her own needs. She’d only been home a day, there had been zero time for her to even begin processing the fact that she had almost been raped several times, or that she’d killed Raul Castillo before he could keep her locked away as his own personal toy.

When that happened, she wouldn't have the mental energy it would take to figure out a way forward with the people she had considered a family.

Fox’s gaze moved to the envelope in her hand and if she’d thought the level of guilt in the room was strong before, it crescendoed until it was almost overwhelming. Again, her resolve wavered but she quickly strengthened it before she could say something stupid like she was making a mistake.

“Don’t do this, please,” Fox said, the usual confidence in his tone lacking.

“I have to,” she whispered, crossing the room on shaky legs to set the envelope on his desk.

“We messed up. Big time.”

Ella nodded, fighting back tears. It helped a little to know he wasn't pretending otherwise but it didn't erase the gaping hole in her chest at knowing her people had so quickly believed she would betray them all.

“I messed up. I'm the one who should have known better, I'm the one everyone looks to for leadership. If I'd believed in you the way Eagle did, the others would have as well.”

“I know I set it up to make it look believable, but for some reason, I thought only the mole would think I really stole the drug. That was silly of me.”

Scraping his hands down his face Fox sighed. A deep, sorrowful sound that made her want to say something to make things better for him.

But what was there to say?

There was no going back. What was done was done. They all had to start finding a way to move forward.

“I'm sorry, Ella. I did the one thing no team is supposed to ever do. I left a man behind. I left you behind. I let the stress of the last month make me forget the last several years. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, or to ask you for a second chance. To ask you to reconsider resigning and stay here, give us a chance to prove to you that we can earn back your trust.”

Fox rounded the table, stood beside her, and waited until she finally lifted her head to look up at him. There was no doubt that his remorse was genuine, Ella just wasn't sure it changed anything.

“I shouldn’t, but I'm going to,” he told her. “I won't leave a teammate behind again. I'm not giving up on you. None of us are.”

With a nod toward his office door, Ella turned to see everyone else flooding into the room. These people used to be her family, now they were … she wasn't even sure. All she knew was that the mole had managed to blow up her life and she wasn't sure she’d ever be able to remove enough rubble to go back to being the person she was before.

February 9 th

11:39 A.M.

No sooner had Miguel set his phone down than the door to his apartment opened and his big brother came strolling in.

“I think it’s about time I returned the favor,” Luis said as he headed for the fridge and helped himself to a can of soda.

“Return the favor?” Miguel asked, his mind still stuck on Ella and his internal debate on whether he should hop in his car and head straight for Prey.

Just because she said she had this didn't mean she couldn’t use some support right now.

As soon as he got a text from the guys Eagle had assigned to watch Ella, letting him know that she had gotten into her car and was heading for Prey, he knew what she was doing. There was only one reason he could think of that she would be going there now when she was hurting from their betrayal.

That was to hand in her resignation.

They’d talked about her not making any life-altering decisions right now. It was never a good idea to do so right on the heels of trauma. You couldn’t be in the right frame of mind to ensure you were making an informed decision and not reacting to the emotions raging inside you.

Which was exactly what Ella was doing.

Did he blame her for wanting to cut ties with Prey?

No.

Did he think it was the right thing for her?

He wasn't sure of the answer to that.

While he understood where Prey had been coming from, the evidence had indeed pointed to Ella being the mole they had been searching for the past month, Miguel could also understand where Ella was coming from. If his team had been so quick to believe the worst of him, even if there was evidence supporting that decision, it would have damaged his trust in them to the point where he might have made the same decision Ella had.

“Hey, lover boy.”

Fingers snapped in front of his face and Miguel blinked, then swatted away his brother’s hand.

Even though there was only two years between them in age, Luis had always very much been more of a parent to him than a brother. Especially for the first decade of their lives. When you grew up with an absent dad and a mom who was in and out of toxic relationships while always being true to her greatest love, her addictions to drugs and alcohol, then you bonded with your siblings.

Especially when they looked out for you the way Luis always had for him.

From stealing food so they didn't starve to coming up with a plan only an eleven-year-old could think would work, his brother had been there for him. That plan of Luis’ to join a gang to get them money so they could have a better life had wound up working in their favor just not in the way his pre-teen mind had thought.

After their first job for the gang, to gain entry to a store the gang intended to rob, got them caught in a shootout that had almost taken Miguel’s life, they’d wound up being fostered by the kind of parents kids like them could only dream about. Parents who were still part of their lives today. Well, their dad was since their mom had passed away a little while back. But there were also four foster siblings and their families, and he treasured every one of those relationships because he still remembered what it felt like to be forgotten and unwanted.

Miguel still carried around a heavy load of shame for knowing he had almost wasted the life his brother had managed to get for them by turning to the very same vice that had haunted their biological mom.

“Lover boy?” he repeated. “I think that’s a little extreme considering I'm not in love with anyone.”

“Not yet,” Luis said, lounging back against the counter.

“Not ever,” Miguel amended. Just like Luis had reasons for keeping his distance from anyone who might get close enough to hurt him by becoming a responsibility, he had his own reasons for doing the same.

They were just reasons Luis was unaware of.

Luis had enlisted right after graduating high school, he hadn't been around when Miguel fought his battle with addiction. Shame had him keeping that secret from the person he admired most in the world. Luis had sacrificed so much for him, and he didn't want to see the disappointment in his brother’s eyes.

“I seem to remember about a week ago someone showing up at my place and telling me that I deserved to be happy and that I should give things with Cassie a chance,” Luis said.

Shrugging, Miguel grabbed a soda and dropped into one of the chairs at his kitchen table. Sure, he’d gone to his brother’s place to make sure Luis wasn't going to waste the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to find your other half, but Luis and Cassie’s situation was nothing like his and Ella’s.

“Not the same thing, bro.”

“Don’t see what's different about it,” Luis insisted as he took the chair opposite. “You like Ella, I know you do, and I'm guessing she likes you, too. It certainly seemed like she did when we saw you two together yesterday.”

“I'm being her friend.”

“Doesn’t change what I just said. You like her, Miguel. I know you, I can tell. I get why you might not want to make a move now given what she’s just been through, but when things settle down, you should ask her out.”

“Not going to happen.”

“Why not?”

Because Ella was too special to risk.

Because even though his addictions were under control now, it didn't mean they always would be.

Because the world was an unpredictable place, and he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn't wind up hurting Ella.

“Something else is going on,” Luis said, eyeing him carefully. “You're keeping something from me. What is it, Miguel?”

Just because they’d gotten a foster family when they were nine and eleven, well over two decades ago, didn't mean that Luis had ever stopped completely acting like a second dad. Even though his brother sometimes kept him at arm’s length didn't mean he didn't treasure the relationship they shared. They’d lived through hell together and had been all each other had, that kind of bond would never disappear.

The last thing he wanted was to taint that bond. For Luis to know how badly he’d messed up, and how much he feared messing up again.

“I'm your big brother, there isn’t anything you can't tell me.”

“Yeah, there is,” Miguel whispered tiredly. Carrying this secret around had weighed on him. As much as he’d had all the support he needed from his foster parents and siblings, he’d wanted his brother’s support, too. Just not enough to risk Luis being disappointed in him.

“What's going on?” Luis demanded, a thread of worry in his voice.

“I don’t keep things casual with women for the fun of it,” he admitted, it was time to clear the air. Whatever happened, happened. But he didn't want secrets between him and his brother any longer. “Well, it is fun, and I enjoy women, but there’s a reason I haven’t had a serious relationship and never intend to. I'm an addict, Luis.”

His brother’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“When you went off to the military I messed up. Big time. I thought it was no big deal, that I could be cool, smoke a little weed, and fit in with the guys. Only it turned out to be a big deal. A huge deal. Weed quickly spiraled into harder drugs, and before I knew it, I couldn’t go a day without getting high.”

“But you joined the military, too. You're a SEAL. No way you can hide that kind of addiction.”

“Couldn’t hide it from Mom and Dad either. They realized pretty quickly what was going on. Insisted I go to rehab. Got me counseling and gave me everything I needed to get clean. I haven’t touched anything since I was seventeen. Don’t even drink because I don’t trust myself not to fall down a rabbit hole. You getting it, big brother? I can't be in a relationship whether I want to be or not. I can't risk turning out like Mom. Can't risk something happening to cause me to lose my control. Can't risk hurting someone innocent like Mom hurt us.”

Instead of the disappointment he expected to see in his brother’s eyes, the judgment, there was only compassion and love.

Enough of it to have him getting choked up.

“Miguel, you aren't Mom. I don’t know who she was before the drugs got her, what she was like, who was in her corner. But I do know you. I know you're strong enough to have kicked an addiction that she never could. I know you're strong enough to keep it under control for almost fifteen years. I know you're strong enough to care about others and put their needs above yours. I know that you would never hurt anyone and that if you stumbled, you would do whatever was necessary to right yourself so you didn't cause your own life or anyone else’s to crumble around you.”

His brother might believe those things, they might even be true, the problem was, Miguel didn't and had no idea how to even go about beginning to believe they might possibly be true.