Chapter 48

Yawning, I slog through the parking lot of the fire station to my car after my last shift of the week. My resignation letter greets me in the passenger seat. My mind wanders as I drive to Callahan’s place from the station. I’ve chosen to turn the letter in tomorrow. I couldn’t bring myself to do it during the work week and deal with the questions and judgment of quitting a job after only a few weeks. God, I hope they let me return.

When Callahan said he met with Jonathan, my jaw practically hit the floor. I immediately peppered him with questions on what they discussed. Callahan raised his shoulders and said, “ I dunno, I just asked him to reconsider, that’s all .” He spoke as innocently as if he had bumped into a college buddy and asked what they’ve been up to. Like it was no big deal. I don’t buy any of it, but Jonathan hasn’t been returning my calls either.

My biggest concern is Callahan. I worry he’s not taking this seriously. When we talk, it’s as if he’s in complete denial. He doesn’t even pretend to be upset, which is maybe what hurts the most. It takes everything in me to paste a smile on my face when we’re together. Every hour that passes is one more lost. Time is eating me alive. I can’t even bring myself to look at clocks when I’m at home.

However, Jonathan’s safety is a bigger concern. He says it’s only a year, but I’m already making plans to have that cut in half. I will have us out of there in six months. I won’t stay. I can’t.

When I arrive at the house, the door is locked. He must not be home yet from his first therapy appointment. I was grateful that he found someone specialized for first responders with complex trauma. I couldn’t be more proud of him for taking care of himself and keeping his word, but I’m also hurting for him. The road ahead will be arduous, and I won’t be here to support him. The thought of him returning to an empty house when he’s depleted after a difficult session leaves a lump in my throat. I don’t want him to be alone.

I was on a waiting list for someone with a focus in religious trauma. Apparently, there’s a lot of that going around in the Pacific Northwest. I’m not canceling it. They offer remote sessions, and if I can get out of Arkansas in six months, like I plan to, then I’ll already be established. I’ll be paying out of pocket since it’s out of network, but I’d do it anyway because The Fold can’t find out. Why have therapy when you can pray about it instead?

Toeing off my shoes, I run upstairs to fit a shower in before he gets home. It’s the fastest shower I’ve ever taken. I’m pulling on leggings and a sweatshirt when I hear his steps downstairs. Another sound I will miss. Even his footsteps bring my soul peace. I run a brush through my damp hair and fly downstairs.

He’s sifting through today’s mail on the dining room table when I pass through the slit in the thick plastic sheeting.

“Hey!” I say. “How was it?”

The smile when he notices me melts my heart. He draws me into his chest and wraps his arms around me. I do the same. Callahan presses a kiss to my hair and rests his chin on the top of my head .

“It was good. Just a get-to-know-you thing, but I like him. I think it’ll be a good fit. He thinks I might be a good candidate for EMDR—it’s this eye-movement thing. Seems interesting, I said I’d give it a try.”

With my ear against him, half of the words reverberate through his chest wall. I close my eyes and memorize the familiarity. Since we’ve returned from Quell’s Peak, I’ve been in his bed every night. Our nightly conversations while cuddling have become one of my favorite rituals. I’m soaking up every moment with him, savoring my time, trying to be present despite my thoughts reminding me that in only a couple weeks I’ll be halfway across the country, sharing my bed with a man who isn’t mine. Even though I care deeply for Jonathan, the idea tastes bitter in my mouth. I belong next to Callahan. Especially when he’s working so hard on himself.

“I’m so proud of you.”

He chuckles. “Weird, you haven’t mentioned it!” His words are dripping with sarcasm. I’ve probably been a little bit repetitive lately, but facing your demons takes a lot of courage. I have no idea what’ll happen once I start my therapy journey, but I know it will be necessary. There are a lot of beliefs I struggle to let go of, and my relationship with God is confusing. I’ll always have my faith, but it’s been a struggle to find out what that means or where I belong. I still harbor a lot of fear and guilt over leaving. And anger at The Fold. I’d like to find a new church eventually, but I’m not ready yet.

I press my fingers to his chest for balance as I rise on my toes to kiss him. His lips curve into a smile against mine, and he picks me up with one arm, sweeps the mail to the side with the other, and deposits me on the end of the dining room table. He slips his hands under the hem of my baggy sweatshirt and pushes it higher around my ribcage, skating his thumbs along the underside of my breasts.

“I’ve been thinking I should start making progress on that list of rooms to fuck you in,” he says, with a mischievous grin. “What do you think?”

My legs part for him to stand between. “I think we should get started right away.”

“Me too,” he says through a laugh, giving me a chin lift. “Lay back, baby.”

I’m reclining back just as there’s a knock at the door, and we groan in unison at the interruption.

“Don’t move,” he warns.

I fist his shirt and pull him close. “If you take too long, I’m going to get started without you.” I give him a soft shove, and he stumbles back a step.

He backs away slowly, still facing me. “You start without me, you’re going to pay for it later.”

“Promise?”

He shakes his head and turns, disappearing through the heavy plastic to answer the front door. I hear his voice briefly before a second set of footsteps echo in the room.

Next, I hear Callahan, taking a solemn tone. “I’ll get her.”

He peeks his head in the dining room, all the mischief has slid off his face. “Scottie, there’s somebody here to see you.”

I furrow my brow and scoot off the end of the table.

“I’m going to give you some privacy, if you need me, I’ll be upstairs.” Then he’s gone.

I run my hands over my hair and straighten my sweatshirt. What the hell is going on? When I squeeze through the slit in the tarp, I see Jonathan at the door and almost trip over my feet. It wasn’t the way I’d planned to tell him I moved in with Callahan. What he must be thinking right now...

Jonathan clears his throat, and my focus returns. With his hands behind his back, he peers around the room, taking in the bare floors, tools, and random boards lying around. “I like your upgrade.”

“Hi… I meant to tell you, I ju st?—”

His smile is almost shy as he stares down at his feet. It’s like we’re strangers. My heart breaks a little; I don’t want him to hurt. He lightly scuffs one of his shoes over the floor. “It is what it is, right?”

My lips roll together, and I nod, mirroring his posture.

“I, um, I have something for you.” His voice is somber. I look up, and he raises his gaze to mine again. He reveals the papers he’s been holding behind him and hands them to me. My vision blurs when I see the words at the top. “I picked up a divorce packet from the courthouse today. I, uh, I’ve filled out my portion. There’s still more forms before we can file, but it’s a start.”

My eyes swim with tears. I can’t believe he did this. My jaw drops, and I throw my arms around him. “Thank you.” We hold each other for a moment in silence before he pulls away.

“I’m sure Callahan told you he paid me a visit the other day.”

“He didn’t say much about it.”

“Well, he had plenty to say to me.” Jonathan chuckles, raising his eyebrows. “I sat with it for a couple days. Thought about what he said, but it was mostly what you said... This is the longest I’ve been away from The Fold.”

The corner of my mouth tips up. “Feels good, huh?”

“It’s a little scary, but there’s more air here.”

I remember that feeling. Like you’ve been breathing your whole life with a bag over your head, then suddenly someone takes it off and you realize how easy it is to drink in the air. It’s effortless.

“Anyway, he set up a room for me a couple towns over. There’s an organization that’s willing to provide housing as I make the transition from The Fold. They even provide assistance for employment and transportation, as well as legal help for these sorts of situations. It’s just to get me on my feet.”

I look back to the stairs where Callahan retreated to, pressing a hand to my chest, my heart swelling. Cal saved Jonathan. He saved me .

“Have you contacted anyone at The Fold?” I turn back toward Jonathan.

He puffs out a sigh. “Not yet. There are a few things I have to get in order, banking and whatnot, before that happens. I told them about the three-week notice you needed for work, it’s buying me some extra time. At the end of that three weeks…” He raises one shoulder. “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

He’s taking a huge leap. I wrap my hand around his and squeeze.

“I don’t know what will happen. Mom and Dad—” His voice cracks, and he meets my gaze. “You’re the truest family I’ve ever had, you’re the only person who has ever seen who I am and shown me love the way it’s described in scripture. Love is patient, kind, and never ends. Your love has always been unconditional.”

As he lifts the burden off my shoulders, it feels like I’m floating. The only thing keeping me on the ground is the knowledge that he’s about to go through all the mixed emotions I felt leaving. I drove across the country, the temptation to turn around was strong, but I forced myself to keep going. It’s not easy.

“There is so much good here.” I set the papers on the floor and hug my arms around him again. “I promise you will find it, and until then, you’ll have Cal and me. You’re not alone.”

He hugs me back. “I’m really glad you have Callahan. It’s obvious he loves you.” And that has never been more apparent, seeing as he moved a few mountains to keep me here. “It’s powerful to witness.”

His words have me tearing up, because I feel the same about him.

Jonathan chuckles. “And he’s very protective over you. ”

“You have so much love to give, and I can’t wait for you to find someone to give it to. It’s indescribable.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, you gotta go through a survival exercise at the top of a mountain first… but yeah.” I grin up at him and drop my arms to my sides. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.”

The rejection stings a little, but I respect it. He’s still processing our split. He’s got a big journey ahead of him.

“I understand.” I’ve already turned his world upside down with the divorce, I don't need to flip it inside out too.

“I think I’m gonna go back to the hotel. I just have to work through this alone for a bit.”

My brows knit, and I lift a half smile. His request is familiar, and there’s comfort in it. Whenever we had arguments at home, he always processed things by himself.

“Of course. I’ve got a few days off, do you want to grab lunch?”

“Maybe—oh, hey. I have a new email. I’ll be sending some documents to you for, you know, everything.” The D-word .

I give him one more hug. “I want to know you’re okay.”

He kisses my cheek. “I will be,” he replies, and I sense he believes it. “It’s a big adjustment, but you and Callahan? I couldn’t be happier for you both. You deserve someone who deserves you… For I know the plans I have for you, right?”

“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,” I finish the passage.

“Bye, Prescott.”

He lifts a hand, and I lean my head against the doorframe as he walks away. Deep in my soul, I know this is a step in the right direction for both of us, but it doesn’t ease the ache of finality any less.