Chapter 40

Fire flickers on the wall. We’ve spent most of tonight wrapped up in each other and talking about our pasts and presents. Mostly simple things. Favorite foods, TV shows, et cetera. But deeper stuff too: her thoughts about religion and politics and how she’s been navigating her feelings since leaving. We’ve discussed our families. Both of our parents have passed. I told her all about Teddy and my brother-in-law, Logan, and my niece, Penny, and nephew, Dalton.

I’ve never experienced conversation flow so easily before. Molly and I never had anything like this. We kept things from each other. Some of those things were big, but it was smaller shit too: what we wanted to eat for dinner or gossip about friends. It was all surface-level communication, perhaps for fear of judgment or opinion from the other.

I told her all about Molly and Dave. How walking in on them may have been what prompted our split, but our relationship died a lukewarm death long before the affair. Once we became engaged, things changed. We sacrificed the passion we shared for things that were stable and more mature. It was what we were supposed to do. We were growing up, but we were also growing apart. I wasn’t thrilled with the way things were going, but it didn’t seem like there was anything I could do about it, so I made the best of the situation. I settled.

With Scottie, everything is richer. We say what we think. We share deeper ideas. I’ve never had conversations like this with another woman. Maybe it’s the honeymoon phase, but our connection feels… different .

With our clothes scattered all around us, we lie naked under the covers. On our sides, we chat face-to-face with our heads propped up. I’ve learned so much about her already, and my attraction grows with each joke, laugh, and story. She’s the furthest thing from selfish, and it angers me that anyone could make her feel otherwise.

I drape her thigh over mine and move my leg between hers, drawing us closer. She snakes her free hand behind me, lightly scratching my back, and damn, it feels good. I love the physical touch. The way she links our fingers when my mind spins out of control, that she’s not afraid to be the big spoon, how she runs her nails down my back and arms. The way she shows affection is beautiful.

“You mentioned you have a group chat with Xander and King—I met King at the poker game in Oregon. I don’t think I met Xander though?”

“No, Xander is the superintendent. He tends to keep a low profile when we decide to act like delinquents. You’ve probably seen him though, bright-blue eyes, can’t miss him.”

“I think I remember seeing you with him a few times.”

“Everyone on the crew is tight, we have to be, but those two are the closest I’ll ever get to real brothers.”

She tucks her head against my chest and breathes deep. “Tell me about them.”

“Where do I start?” I chuckle. “We’ve been through everything together, walked through fire together. King—his actual name is Rowan Kingsley, he grew up in Sky Ridge. He was involved with rugby in high school, played varsity, and is really connected with the town.”

“Did you play any sports?”

“Nah, I was more of an outdoor junkie. I spent my summers fishing the lakes, rafting the rivers, and hiking in the mountains. In the winter, I was on the slopes skiing or snowboarding. But King and I came up as rookies together when we joined the shots.”

“What about Xander? When did you guys meet?”

“Xander is from Michigan, so he moved out here to be a shot. He’s got a great sense of humor and a good heart. His dad was also a hotshot.”

“Wait, with the same hotshot crew?”

“Yeah.” My throat clears. “His dad, Garrett, was our superintendent up until five years ago when he died on the job.”

She nuzzles into me. “I’m sorry.”

“It was bad, really bad. Garrett died in the middle of the season, and then we lost Jacob toward the end of it. Fuck, that was an ugly year… Jacob was basically our brother, and Garrett was like a dad to a lot of us, his death was a huge loss for everyone, but Xander took the biggest hit losing his father. He carries it every day. It’s horrible to watch someone you care about hurting without a way to fix it.” I pause to collect my thoughts. It’s not something I talk about with people who don’t understand, but after hearing about Scottie’s upbringing, I want to open up to her about my life too. And it’s something she needs to know about if we’re going to move forward.

“Xander was never the same after his dad died. I blame myself for a lot of that. Logically, I understand it doesn’t make sense, but that’s just the way it is.”

She doesn’t interrupt or try to convince me otherwise, she just lets me speak.

“This job is hard. There are pieces of me that are broken, and they can’t be repaired. Sometimes it feels like my life’s been split into all these fragments. The hazardous work and dangerous terrain… falling back into safety zones, always being a couple bad decisions away from the worst, the near misses and close calls, watching friends die.”

Her soft scratches turn to gentle caresses as she listens.

“My head is constantly on a swivel. There’s an underlying agitation that follows me around. Sometimes, I have panic attacks, or get lost in my thoughts, or appear distracted. It’s not intentional, it just happens. Loud noises, trees falling when I don’t expect it, that sort of thing tend to set me off.”

She squeezes me tight. “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have a job where you’re around any of those things.”

I chuckle. “Right?”

She doesn't laugh with me. “Really, though, have you ever thought about talking to someone about it?”

I shrug. “Yeah, I’ve received a diagnosis for C-PTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, but it’s one of those things that won’t ever go away, so it’s hard to justify the cost and time.”

She nods against my chest. “But you don’t think it would be worth it to try? It affects your quality of life, Cal.”

“There are some things I’ll never be able to let go of, no matter how much I want to, so dredging them up is exhausting. Not only for me, but the people around me. I tried before, and it wasn’t long after that Molly and I started having major problems. I’ve been hesitant to get involved with anyone seriously since then, until you… I don’t want to put you through that.”

She retreats and tilts her head up to look at me. “Don’t you think that’s a decision you should let me make?”

I pull her closer. “Of course, but people don’t always know how to react when I lose myself or freeze up… There are days when it feels like there’s no one inside my body.”

She has no idea how difficult it is for me to even discuss this with her. I’m in uncharted territory. My mind is screaming to lock it all down and enjoy the night, return to light conversation topics like music and books, the easy stuff— like I did with Molly . I take a deep breath.

“And you’re right, this is your decision… It’s a big ask, but I’m still asking.”

Her fingers pause, and she stares up at me, searching my eyes. “What are you asking me?”

“I’m asking you to stay anyway.”

The silence between us is heavy, and my lungs burn with a trapped breath while I wait for her response.

“I want to…”

Not a fan of the way her voice trails off, I swallow. “But?”

“But we are two damaged people. If we’re going to make this work, we need to ensure we’re in a position to take care of ourselves before we can take care of someone else. How can we expect to have a healthy relationship if we aren’t confronting our own issues?”

Except that everything feels effortless between us. We had a rocky start, but once we came clean about our pasts, it was obvious we have something good here. Shit, this is not how I thought this would go, and I didn’t anticipate it would hurt this much.

“From where I stand, we’ve got potential for a future. Don’t you think that’s still worth exploring? Even if we’re imperfect?” I ask.

“You yourself said it’s horrible to watch someone else hurt without being able to fix it. Don’t ask me to do that. What you have going on may not be one hundred percent curable, but you still have to process it. If you don’t, it will fester and eat you alive. Sometimes, the only way to do that is to cut into the pain and let it bleed out so you can heal.”

“It’s not that easy?—”

“No, it’s not. It’s fucking hard ! I walked away from everything I’ve ever known for a chance at happiness, meaningful relationships, and finding myself. That was not easy . I still have a lot to work through, but I’m determined to do it.” She takes a deep breath. “It wasn’t my plan to meet someone like you so soon. I’m not sure I’m ready for it, considering I have zero experience, but the way you make me feel, the things you do to me…” An exhale escapes her lips. “You’re like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I’m alive with you. Callahan, I like you. A lot. And I like who I am with you, but…”

Her palm is scorching through my shirt, and she finds a way to nuzzle deeper into my shoulder. Five minutes ago, it would have been comforting, but now it feels like pity. The twinge of rejection is hot in my chest while I wait for her to continue.

“We’re facing our own battles. I won’t stand by and watch you lose yours because you decided it isn’t worth the energy. I need to know you’ll fight for yourself. If you want to do this, I promise you won’t do it alone. I’ll be at your side the whole time, even when it gets ugly.”

Hope blooms in my chest for us, it’s not a no…

She tips her chin up and kisses me before adding, “If I stay, I need to know you won’t leave once I’m there.”

Her words are like a balm, soothing my frustration and dousing the flames of rejection licking at my skin. My hand plunges into her hair, and my mouth claims hers deeper than before. This is a new beginning.

“I’m not leaving,” I say against her lips.

She jabs her fingers to my chest and pushes me away far enough to pause our kiss.

“If we do this, then we’re doing it. I want you to find somebody who can help you manage your symptoms. Don’t make empty promises you can’t keep. I’ve got my own issues, I’ll be finding someone too.”

“Okay.” I agree. “And when that can of worms is opened and things get hard? ”

“When things get hard, don’t pull away from me. Stay and fight, Callahan.”

Pressing a kiss to her temple, I roll on my back, hauling her with me so she’s laying on my chest. The way her warm, soft skin feels against mine is pure bliss. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

For taking a chance on us. For giving me something to work toward. For making me feel safe for the first time in a long time.

“For giving a damn.”

The reflection of fire in the wood stove window flickers and dances on the walls while I bring her to my mouth and take her lips. The acute realization that she may be the last woman I ever kiss hits me... It’s strange how you can have your heart locked up for years, then out of nowhere the right person comes along and it’s like they know the exact combination to open up everything about you and make you want something more .

Her small gasps and sighs while I kiss her make me feral. My palms bracket her waist as she straddles me. I would move mountains to keep us like this, but I can’t help but have some doubt.

What if I’m unable to get my problems under control? If I don’t improve, will I still be enough for her? The last time I had a therapy session, it had Molly and I yelling at each other by the end of the night. I don’t want to experience that with Scottie. Not after we’ve gotten this close and come this far. Heat rushes up my neck, and my arms tense, panic clawing at me. It’s stifling, my whooshing pulse echoes in my ears while I fight with everything I have to stay in the moment with her.

I can’t believe this is happening again. Fuck! It’s like the vulnerability of opening up to her is unlocking all this other shit too. I can’t keep up. This is exactly what I was worried about. My shoulders stiffen, and our kiss comes to a halt. I inhale slowly, trying to stave off another panic attack. The more I tell myself to stop thinking negative thoughts, the more I focus on them. It’s like tunnel vision. Scottie straightens, looking down on me.

Fuck, she’s stunning. She deserves better. Someone who can give her more.

Her hands find mine, and she brings them to her breasts, kneading my fingers. “It’s okay, Cal… Just watch, okay? Focus on my voice.”

I repeat her words in my mind until I’m able to really hear them. Focus on her voice .

“Squeeze my nipples.” Her hands lead mine. She rolls her hips. “Do you feel how wet I am?” Her bare pussy glides over my cock, slick and warm.

“Yeah.” I nod. She’s trying to ground me.

“No, feel me.” She guides my wrist between her thighs, then rises to her knees and uses my fingers to part her lips. She’s soaked. I swallow and feel the chaos subsiding.

“Play with your nipples,” I say, directing her back to her breasts. Then I return to toy with her clit. I grip my cock at the base and press it to her entrance, pausing and glancing up at her for permission.

She gives it to me by saying, “I’m with you,” then lowering herself inch by inch until I’m fit snug inside. Her soft moans call out to me, bringing me into the present with her. Fuck.

The destructive thoughts dissipate, worries settle into a calm pool, and anxiety is replaced by need. She dampens all the noise in my head. The air is no longer hot and suffocating, it’s cool and restorative.

This woman may have the capacity to drive me crazy, but she also holds the power to make me sane.

“You’re breathtaking, baby.”

A smile spreads across her lips, and she relaxes ever so slightly. Every part of her is incredible, but at this moment, her heart is what has me in awe. She’s more than her jaw-dropping looks and captivating personality, she’s good and decent to her core. Scottie cares about others in ways that are selfless and genuine.

She gyrates her hips, pushing me deeper, and I cup her waist, as she uses her body to rescue me.

The feelings I have for Scottie aren’t love, but they’re something .

She says she hasn’t experienced the real thing yet, and maybe I haven’t either. But there’s zero doubt in my mind we could find it together. Because one thing is certain, sooner or later, I will love her.