Chapter 12

Matt hums along with the radio while the scenery whizzes by. The trees and mountains are magnificent. I’m not sure I could ever leave the Pacific Northwest even if I wanted to. We were decommissioned early, and the hotshots are heading back tomorrow morning. So far, the trip home seems to pass by faster than the initial drive out. Perhaps that’s because my mind keeps replaying the week with Callahan. My stomach flips recalling his words, voice, and the way he manipulated my body. First in the ambulance, then he snuck into my room for three nights after that.

I don’t know where this leaves us. It was something we wanted and let ourselves have, but now what? He said it’s only fun, but I’m not sure I understand the protocol for fun . Still, I find myself entertaining visions of us as something more. Logically, I know these feelings are unhealthy, born from limerence and loneliness—not to mention a lack of experience. It’s not smart to fall head over heels. That’s putting all your eggs in one basket, which is never a good idea, but he’s the first real crush I’ve allowed myself to have in at least a decade. Shit, I’m broken.

Matt is friends with him, which has to count for something. The people Callahan surrounds himself with on the crew seem of good character. If anything, it’s my character that’s questionable. Risking my job with ambulance sex and one-night stands? What the hell.

I yawn. I’ve got a sleep debt to pay off.

“Don’t start,” Matt states, attempting to speak around his own yawn. “Besides, what are you tired for? You slept through breakfast almost every day this week. You sleep like the dead. I still can’t get over that you never woke up during that thunderstorm, that was wild.”

I hope my forced laugh is convincing enough. “Yeah, bummed I missed all the excitement.” The story I gave Matt was that I read my book for a bit, got bored, cleaned the rig, and went to bed early… conveniently forgetting to return the keys to him. Liar. I had a front row seat to the excitement.

I uncross my legs and recross them again. When was the last time I acted so reckless? I can’t let my judgment get cloudy after a little freedom. On the other hand, when was the last time I said fuck the consequences for no other reason than I wanted to ? Never. Despite it not being the most intelligent move I’ve ever made, I don’t regret one night with him. As long as I don’t make a habit of behaving irresponsibly, I’ll be fine.

“Normally, these tagalongs are boring and you end up sitting in the rig staring at a smoldering hill. At least we got some time to hang with the crew for a bit and change things up.”

I nod and try to steer us off the topic of my sleep habits before he catches on. “It’s been forever since I played poker.” Again, liar . I’d never played poker before this week. Gambling was forbidden. I waved Matt off to the game without me so I could look up the rules. Took a few rounds of watching the others to make sure I understood them. I was too scared to make a play—until Callahan encouraged me to jump in.

It’s easier to fake confidence around him. Though, sometimes, I feel like an alien trying to blend in with humans… Th ank goodness I was allowed my EMT job back home, or I’d be much worse off. Without this job, I don’t think I’d ever have left. How could I? What skills would I have? Where would I have found the money? The car? Having a profession was my “reward.” I should have done it sooner. It doesn’t matter now. I shake it off and smile at him. “I feel bad for stealing your snacks.” I chuckle.

A vibration in my pocket has me digging out my phone.

Callahan

Text me when you get home.

I fight my grin and tap out a reply.

Will do! Don’t get in to too much trouble tonight.

Callahan

How can I when you’re not around?

My smile grows, and I flip my phone closed in my lap.

“I thought for sure you were bluffing that time.” He laughs. When his head cocks to the side, he’s got a quizzical expression. “Hey… is there something between you and Callahan?”

I furrow my brow. “What do you mean?” I stuff my phone in my pocket and mentally chastise myself for the jumpiness.

“I dunno, I just feel like I should caution you that he’s kind of a flirt.”

Shit! Did he see—or worse— hear something at the dorm? Shrugging, I glance out the window and bring it back to the poker table. “He was just shit talking to win over my caramel corn.”

“Yeah, maybe. Just wanted to make sure you know in case he tries anything. Not to be a creep, but you’re attractive, and he’s… well, he’s Callahan.”

He’s Callahan ? What is that supposed to mean? I’m afraid if I ask, it’ll make me appear even more guilty than I feel. Matt will see it all over my face.

“What, is he a dangerous criminal or something?” I feign boredom, inspecting my fingernails.

“No! Nothing like that. He’s a good guy, just keeps himself unattached. Some women think they can fix him and end up disappointed. He’s a charming guy but has a reputation. Ya feel me?”

“Gotcha.” I swallow. My guts twist more than I thought they would. I want to turn back time to before he said that. Where I could simply daydream about what good things could come of this. When it was fun and exciting. Matt’s version of him carves out an ugly hollow pit in my stomach.

Yet, I find myself holding onto Cal’s words from the ambulance: “ No, it’s not always like that .”