Chapter Twenty-Six

January

" N az," Cade growls into the phone, pinching the bridge of his nose. The thunderous scowl on his face makes me glad I'm not the one pissing him off. Even from across the room, anger sizzles in the air around him. He appears massive as he plants his feet and growls wordlessly, snarling like some wild beast at whatever Nazario Leyva is telling him.

I pull my blanket closer and shiver, though I'm not sure if it's because he's hot as hell when he's pissed or…okay, it's definitely because seeing Cade all fired up is hot as hell. He's six feet, five inches of pure muscle and rage. That probably shouldn't turn me on, but it does.

"If I have to leave my girl to deal with this, the only place the motherfucker is going is to the hospital and then to prison." He huffs out a frustrated breath and clamps a hand down on the edge of the entertainment center. A string of curses explodes from his lips. "Tell Fuentes he has twenty-four hours to call off the fucking hit, or I'm coming after him."

My eyebrows shoot upward, my eyes widening. I don't think I'll ever get used to how easily he says things like that…like it's perfectly normal to talk about some gang putting out a hit on someone else. I guess for him, it is normal. He's the guy who makes the bad guys play nice.

"The girl and the kid belong to Carter now," he snaps. "I don't give a fuck if it is Francisco's baby. Just tell him to call it off, or I'm going to blow his shit up." Cade listens for another second and then curses. "Are you fucking kidding me? He's after her, too? What the hell? I'm busy for a few weeks and he thinks he owns this city?" He pushes his hair back from his forehead and rests his head against the wall, closing his eyes. A dark chuckle leaves his lips. "He's a fucking idiot. Tell him this city is mine now. He answers to me, just like the rest of you do."

Jesus. The way he says it, I believe Los Angeles belongs to him. If I were this Fuentes person and had to face Cade, I'd probably just hand over the keys and flee for my life. He's always been sure of himself, but he's something else now. He knows he's in charge and has no qualms with letting everyone else know it too. That confidence is sexy as all hell.

I never knew seeing him work would be so riveting. But every day, I get to watch him in action. I find it fascinating. He barks orders like he was born to do it. Even the other cops who stop by—like Roman Gregory and Luke Santiago—listen to him when he tells them what to do about this or that or the other. They all seem to respect him, even when he is cursing up a storm and threatening destruction on whatever isn't cooperating. Naz has stopped by a few times. I've seen him in the papers enough to know he's a dangerous man sitting on a fortune. But even he listens to Cade.

It's been three weeks since Kaleo shot me, and Cade rarely leaves my side. The few times he has had to go out, he left Luke Santiago to babysit me. I like Luke. He's quiet and intense, but also really sweet. I especially like the way Cade kisses me whenever he leaves me with Luke. I think he's jealous, but he doesn't have any reason to be. I haven't seen anyone but him since I was a kid. I doubt that's ever going to change.

I'm so ridiculously in love with him. He hides a lot behind jokes and smiles. I think he has for a long time, but each day, a little bit more of the real him shines through. And every day, I fall a little bit harder for the man he is now. He's even sweeter than he was when we were younger, but he's different in so many ways. Getting to explore the new facets of his personality is exciting and bittersweet at the same time.

He's bossier than he was back then and says the dirtiest things.

He's told me all about his life in Seattle and the things he had to do. I cried for him when we had that conversation. He's so damn strong and courageous. I don't know anyone else who would willingly go to the places he goes and deal with the people he does just to keep complete strangers safe. But he does it. I'm in awe of him. He still isn't convinced that he's worthy of me, but he's so wrong.

He's a little like Grover in the storybook he used to read me…scared to turn the pages because he doesn't know what's waiting at the end. He's been running from himself for so long that he didn't realize he was running from himself. He's starting to figure it out, though. He's finally facing himself, and I think he's finally beginning to realize that the monster at the end of his book is a lot less scary than he thought it was. That he's a lot less scary than he thought.

Bit by bit, we're both healing.

Sometimes, I have nightmares about Kaleo, but they're never about killing him. Maybe I should feel bad that I killed another person. Maybe part of me is sad about it…but mostly, I just feel relief that he's gone and can't hurt us anymore. Cade is still alive. I'm still alive. That's all that really matters.

When the nightmares do come, they're always about losing Cade. He holds me a little tighter and whispers sweet words in my ear until I'm ready to sleep again. The nightmares rarely make an appearance twice in one night. I don't think they stand a chance against him. When I'm in his arms, my head resting on his chest, I feel peaceful. I feel safe.

I feel like I'm finally home.

It's been a long time since I felt that way.

It's been a long time since I let myself believe I deserve to feel that way.

I got to leave the hospital a little over a week ago, but I still have a long road ahead of me. They had to remove one of my adrenal glands, so now they have to keep a close eye on my hormones. They're also keeping a close eye on my kidney function, but it's been decent so far. I had to stop taking the medication Dr. Jenner prescribed because of the risk of kidney problems, but I'm doing okay without it. At least, I have so far. I know once I've healed a little, I'll probably need to be on something else, but we're taking it a step at a time.

Cade and I are going to visit my mom and Titan next week. I'm a little afraid I'll lose it. But I need to go, and so does he. It's been a long time coming.

Naz says something that makes Cade laugh loudly, drawing my attention back to him. He pops his eyes open and focuses on me. I watch in fascination as tension drains from him as soon as those blue-gray eyes land on me. His rigid stance loosens. His expression softens. A smile tips up the corners of his lips, those dimples popping out.

I shiver at the sight, my eyes locked on him.

"If he goes after her, you better tell him to bring a shovel because it'll be his funeral. Hernandez will tear him apart and then leave pieces of his body all over this city."

I cringe at the visual he paints.

"Sorry," he mouths, grimacing apologetically.

I offer him a little smile to let him know it's okay. He's still on administrative leave, but I know this is his job. It's what he does. And he's good at it.

We're still waiting for word on whether he's going to be charged with murder for killing the men who murdered my mom and Titan. I feel like we're in a holding pattern until that happens. I know what I want, and I think he wants the same thing, but he's scared he's going to go to prison and lose me all over again.

I'm hopeful that won't happen.

When I gave Hernandez my statement about what happened with Kaleo, I asked him point blank why he was going after Cade when Kaleo was the reason so many people had died. He told me that the truth would have died with Kaleo if he had his way. I'm not sure what that means, but I think he wants a reason to let this go. He doesn't want to have to charge Cade with murder.

Maybe what Cade did was wrong, but he's spent the last seven years atoning. He's saved so many people, even when doing so almost killed him. He's fought battles and won wars that most will never know about. He never asked for anything for it. He never wanted anything for it. He just wanted to keep people safe.

If anyone deserves happiness, he does.

I'm starting to think maybe I do too. I will never be brave enough to do the things he does. But the day I shot Kaleo, I found a little bit of strength I didn't know I had. Even when the bullet ripped through me, I stood my ground and fought for what mattered to me. I fought for Cade.

I faced a monster…and I won.

I will always miss my mom and Titan. I will always grieve for them, but I know they would want me to be happy. They would want me to have a full life instead of living like a ghost. And I think—no, I know I want that for myself. I think part of me will always feel guilt over the fact that I'm still here and they aren't. I will always struggle to comprehend what happened to them. I'll never be able to face memories of that night without feeling my heart break. For the rest of my life, my birthday will forever be the day my world ended.

But Cade was right. Their murders weren't our fault. What happened to my mom and my brother will never be okay. It never should be. But Cade and I can't keep punishing ourselves for it. We've tried that.

I shove the blanket off my lap and climb from the couch. The healing surgical wounds on my stomach twinge in discomfort, but they don't hurt anymore. They're just an ache, something to remind me that we all have monsters to face. Sometimes, those monsters are ourselves. Other times, they're guys like Kaleo.

In the end, the monsters always lose because people like Cade make sure they do. And sometimes people like me help make sure they lose, too. You just have to find something worth fighting for.

"Where are you going?" he asks me, covering the mouthpiece on his phone.

"Bedroom," I mumble and shoot him a reassuring smile. "I'll be right back."

He watches me carefully for a second and then nods.

I shuffle to the bedroom, shaking my head. He really doesn't like letting me out of his sight. If he could carry me everywhere like he did when I was little, he'd do it without hesitation, but I don't let him. Like I said, I found my own strength. Being with Cade makes me feel powerful, but I'm finally starting to realize I had that power the whole time.

It's a good feeling.

Once I make it to the bedroom, I hesitate for a split second like I always do. I keep expecting to step inside and find Kaleo's body on the floor and his blood all over the walls. But Cade had everything taken care of before I was released. The floors have been stripped and freshly waxed and the walls repainted a deep blue. He even replaced all of the bedroom furniture, saying he didn't want me to have a single reminder of Kaleo left in this room.

He hid all my posters and covered the walls with framed photographs of the two of us together as kids. We smile down from all sides of the room. Sometimes, it's just the two of us smiling and making faces at the camera. Other times, Titan is with us. Every single memory Cade hung on the walls makes my chest ache in the best way possible.

I hurry to the closet and pull it open, smiling when I see his clothes hanging next to mine in the small space. They're all mixed up together like they belong that way. I love seeing them there. Pushing them aside, I reach for the box I've only taken down once in the last seven years…the night Kaleo shot me.

"Crap," I groan when my abdomen throbs painfully, reminding me that I'm not as healed as I like to think I am. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this on my own. The last thing I want to do is end up back in the hospital with a catheter tube between my legs. No part of that was comfortable or fun.

Before I can call for Cade, he's there, wrapping an arm around my waist and gently pulling me backward until I'm flat-footed on the floor. I lean into his hard body and sigh happily, content to be in his arms.

"You're not supposed to be reaching over your head, baby girl," he admonishes me, his voice as gentle as the kiss he presses to my temple. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"I need that box."

"I'll get it," he says and easily plucks the box in question from the shelf.

"Being short is so annoying," I complain when he releases me. "Literally everything I want is over my head. Even the shower caddy is over my head."

"Are you complaining about me washing your hair for you?"

"Nope. Definitely not." I love having him around to take care of me. He's spoiling me rotten, and I love every second of it. But still…being short sucks. Not that Cade would know since he never needs help reaching anything.

He chuckles and carries the box over to the bed. Once he puts it down, he comes back for me and sweeps me up in his arms.

"I can walk," I breathe.

He grunts wordlessly and then gives me those dimples. "Yeah, but you feel better in my arms, little monster."

I shut up and let him carry me.

What's not to love about feeling all those muscles working together just for me?

He deposits me on the bed beside the box before crawling up beside me and tugging me into his arms. I cuddle up next to him and breathe him in. He smells so good. I love being completely surrounded by him like this. It's perfection.

"What's in the box?" he says like Brad Pitt in S7ven , making me laugh.

"Open it up, Brad Pitt," I tease him, hooking my foot around the edge of the box to drag it closer to us.

He eyes it for a moment before shrugging and pulling it open. His expression morphs from curiosity to surprise and then to some emotion I can't name.

"Baby girl," he rasps, dumping out the contents.

All the little gifts he gave me over the years fall into his lap. Everything he ever gave me, I kept.

"I couldn't get rid of it," I whisper to him as he runs reverent hands over one item after another, not speaking. "Mariah tried to convince me to burn it all to forget you, but I didn't want to forget. I put it all in here because I wanted to be brave enough one day to look back and remember how happy we were together."

"January," he whispers, his voice choked with emotion. He holds up the ring he gave me, his hand shaking. "You kept it?"

"In my heart, I always belonged to you, Cade."

"Fuck," he breathes, staring down at the ring like it might disappear if he takes his eyes off it. "When I put a ring on your finger next time, it's forever, baby girl. I hope you know that." He says this like it's a warning, but it sounds more like heaven to me.

"It better be forever," I say with a little laugh, snuggling deeper into him. "You're not ever getting rid of me, Michael Ian Kincaid. If you try to leave me again, I'll just follow you."

He closes his hand around the Claddagh ring and then tilts my chin up so I'm staring into his eyes. The intensity burning there leaves me breathless. "I'm not ever fucking leaving you again, January. If they charge me with the murders, I'll empty my trust fund fighting to stay with you." He grabs my hand and slides the ring back onto my finger where it belongs. Satisfaction flares in his eyes, turning them my favorite dark gray color as he examines the ring on my finger. It still fits as perfectly as it did when he first slipped it on my hand. "I'm going to put a bigger ring on your finger soon. I'm not going to ask you to marry me, though. I didn't back then, and I won't now. Not giving you a chance to say no. You're mine, and I'm keeping you."

"I'm keeping you, too," I tell him, smiling through watery eyes. "And I would never say no to you. You're my Grover."

His lips curve into a half-smile. He shakes his head at me.

"I'm serious. You think you're scary, but you're not. Not to me." I pluck the last item out of his lap before holding it out to him.

He glances from my face to the item in my hand and then that grin widens until he's smiling so big those dimples appear. "I can't believe you still have this," he says, opening The Monster at the End of This Book and flipping through the dog-eared pages. "It's almost as old as you are. You had me read it to you so often before you learned to read. I'm surprised it didn't fall apart."

"I have a confession to make," I whisper as his eyes scan across each page. "I'd memorized the book before I ever even met you, but I loved it when you'd hold my hand and promise not to let the monster get me, so I pretended not to know the words just so you would keep reading it to me."

He laughs softly before pressing his lips to my ear. "I have a confession to make, too," he says into my skin. "I fucking hated when you learned how to read. I was so goddamn jealous of your books because I didn't get to read them to you anymore. I'd make Ma Lucia take me to the library so I could get a copy of whatever you were reading, just so I could talk to you about the book."

"Are you serious?" I ask, pulling back to look at his face.

"As a heart attack," he says, his expression solemn. "I loved getting to share that with you. I felt like it was something just for us. I fell in love with literature because of you." A gentle smile tugs at his lips even as sadness and regret float through his eyes. "I haven't read a single book since I left Los Angeles. Just thinking about reading made me feel like I was going to fall the fuck apart. I missed you every damn day, baby girl. Every day."

"I don't read much anymore either," I admit. "Every book I picked up reminded me of you. I missed you so much."

"But you kept this one."

"I will never get rid of it."

He sets the book aside and then scoops everything else back into the box, and closes it before setting it on the floor beside the bed. Once that's done, he picks me up and pulls the blankets back before scooting up against the headboard and laying me down with my head on his chest. As soon as I'm comfortable, he picks the book up and flips it to the first page.

"Are you going to read it to me?" I ask, laughing in delight.

"Damn straight," he growls, reaching for my hand. He lifts it to his lips to kiss the ring there before twining our fingers together on his chest. "I'm going to read to you every fucking day for the rest of your life. And don't worry, baby girl. The only monster that's going to get you at the end of this book is me ."

"My Grover," I whisper, smiling so big my cheeks hurt.

"Hi, Mama. Hi, Titan," I whisper a week later, clinging to Cade's hand as we stand between their graves. "I'm sorry I've never come to see you. I should have come a long time ago, but I didn't want to face that you were gone. I've struggled for a long time with losing you guys. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I gave up on living after I lost you. I want you to know that I never forgot you. I never stopped missing you."

My throat burns, and unshed tears prickle at my eyes as I talk to them. I haven't been here since the day we buried them.

Their graves have grown over with grass and flattened out. Both my mom and Titan's graves have fresh flowers in vases. Judging by the layer of older petals, someone has been keeping flowers here for a long time. I have a feeling that's Cade's doing, but I let him keep that secret.

"I love you both and miss you so much," I whisper.

"Hi, Jana. Titan," Cade says at my side, his voice a soft rumble. There's a hitch in his voice, and their names tremble on his lips. He stands beside me for a second, not speaking, and then he releases me and kneels in the grass beside Titan's grave.

I clamp my hand over my mouth, trying to hold back a sob when he leans forward and presses his forehead to Titan's headstone. His shoulders shake, an anguished cry breaking from his lips. "I'm so fucking sorry, Titan."

I drop carefully to my knees beside him and wrap my body around his, holding him as he falls apart.

"I'm sorry," he says over and over as tears pour down his face. "I wish I could have saved you. You were my brother. I fucking miss you every goddamn day." He drops down on his ass and pulls me into his arms, holding me as he talks to my brother. Tears choke him, but he talks anyway, purging himself of years of grief, regret, and guilt. He tells Titan everything…but I kind of think Titan already knows.

I think that, maybe, he's been watching over both of us, trying to lead us back to one another.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for her when she needed me," Cade says, stroking his hands through my hair. "I promise you that I'll never let her down like that again. I'll never leave her side. I'll never give up on her. I'll never stop loving her. She'll be taken care of, Titan. I promise you that I'll love her right this time."

"Cade," I whisper as another flood of tears pours down my face.

"Remember what you said when I told you that I kissed her for the first time?" he asks, smiling through his tears. "You told me that she deserved to be treated like a princess, and that I'd answer to you if I didn't treat her that way. I didn't tell you then, but I was so fucking afraid I wouldn't be good enough for her and would disappoint both of you." He exhales softly. "I'll always work to be good enough for her. I'll always try to keep my promise to you to treat her like she deserves to be treated. I just wish like hell you could be here to see me do it."

I bury my face in his throat and bawl like a baby.

He holds me on his lap for a long time, talking to Titan. When I finally manage to stop crying, I talk to him too. I tell him about Kaleo and how Cade turned into a badass. I tell him about my life and how I'm looking forward to the future for the first time in a long time.

"Thank you for always trying to take care of me," I whisper to him. "Part of me will always feel like it's my fault you got caught up with Kaleo, but I know you just wanted the best for me. Thank you, big brother." I press my hand to my lips and then press it to his headstone.

"Mama, I want you to know I'm going to be okay now," I whisper to her. "I promise you that I'll never stop fighting for myself and for Cade."

"And when she can't fight, I'll fight for her," Cade vows, using his thumbs to wipe away my tears. "I'll love her enough for both of us when she forgets to love herself. You don't have to worry about her anymore, Jana. I've got her now, and I'm not ever letting her go."

His sweet words send more tears down my face.

We sit there for another hour, just talking to my mom and Titan. Sometimes, we cry. Other times, we laugh. But when Cade puts me on my feet a little bit later and presses his lips to my forehead, I feel lighter than I have since the day they died.

"Wait for me in the car, baby girl," he murmurs, turning me toward the rental parked in the grass a few yards away. "I need to have a private conversation with Titan."

I study his expression for a moment—take in the determination in his blue-gray eyes and the confident set of his shoulders—and then I nod.

I press another kiss to Titan's headstone and then to my mom's. Cade watches me as I straighten the flowers and add the ones we brought today to the vases, and then I head to the car so he can say whatever he needs to say to my brother in private. Whatever he has to say is important to him, but I know he'll tell me if I ask. He always gives me what I want. And all I've ever wanted was him.

He's all I will ever want.