Chapter Two

January

" I heard a rumor." Mariah Dupree plops her curvy ass down on the corner of my desk.

I peer up at her through bleary eyes and wait for her to fill me in. Mariah's a bit of a drama queen when it comes to gossip, but I love her anyway. She's the only thing that keeps me sane most days. She's been my best friend since the sixth grade. We went to the same college. We teach at the same elementary school, and do everything together.

"Michael Kincaid is back in town," she says, watching my face like a hawk. With her black hair up in a demure bun and her glasses perched on her nose, she looks more like a naughty librarian than a kindergarten teacher. Her ebony skin is flawless.

"Oh, that." I slide out of my chair and squeeze past her, busying myself with collecting the worksheets my students left on their desks at the end of the day. Most of them are illegible, but that's okay. School's been in session for two weeks. I don't expect perfection, especially not from a bunch of five-year-olds, most of whom have never even tried to hold a pencil before. Just knowing that they're trying makes me happy.

"Oh, that?" Mariah repeats from behind me. "That's all you have to say?"

I shrug my shoulder and continue weaving throughout the room, picking up the worksheets and straightening desks as I go. I'm not sure what else she expects me to say.

Okay, that's not true. I know exactly what she wants to hear, but I don't have the mental or emotional energy to invest in this conversation right now.

Two days ago, Michael Kincaid—Cade—walked back into my life and threw my world into a tailspin. It's been seven years since he walked away from me. Seven years since he ripped my heart out of my chest, and I'm still not over it. I'm still not over him .

Seeing him back here now hurts like hell.

At twenty-two, he was big, tall, and handsome in a movie star way. At twenty-nine, he's something else altogether. He's bigger now, one solid wall of muscle. He's still beautiful with that messy hair and blue-gray eyes, but there's no softness in them anymore, no sweetness.

He used to look at me, and I felt his love.

Now, those eyes are as hard as he is, steely and a little wild. The bandage on his forearm did nothing to cover the tattoos painting his golden skin. They ran down his arms in bold colors and stark lines. They're beautiful, even though I don't think he intended them to be. He's still beautiful, even though he isn't supposed to be.

For years, I've told myself that it's better he left. I tell myself that he did me a favor and that I never want to see him again. Some days, I almost believe it.

Today isn't one of those days.

I've tried so hard to learn how to hate him, but it never works.

He's a reminder of a past I'd kill to forget…and one I cling to because I have nothing else. He intrudes on all my memories of my childhood, overshadowing each of them with his powerful presence.

He's a cop now. No, not a cop. He's a federal agent. I'd heard rumors over the years, but I never believed them. He was always the smartest person I knew. He loved books and reading. Everyone else assumed he'd never go anywhere, but I knew better. I just never expected law enforcement.

Refusing to think about him was the only way I could protect myself from the devastation he left behind.

I lost everything in a matter of days. My family. Cade. Everything.

I'm still not over it. I stopped pretending a long time ago that I was. I had no closure, no chance to move on. He swore he'd always be here, but it was a lie. He left me when I needed him most. And I'm the one who pushed him out the door.

It's been seven damn years, and I still regret it. It still hurts like hell.

I've barely been holding it together ever since.

"You saw him, didn't you?" Mariah asks.

"He caught some kid trying to break into my house Wednesday night," I mutter.

"Goddammit, January!"

I spin to face her, shocked at how loud she is, only to find her with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. In her heels, she's a good six inches taller than I am at five-two. Her button nose is scrunched, her perfectly penciled brows furrowed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she demands, hurt flashing in her brown eyes.

I shrug, not sure I have an answer.

"Are you okay?"

"He didn't get inside." I place the worksheets on top of the desk beside me and then lean against the wall. Pushing my hair out of my face, I sigh heavily. Curtis Kaleo keeps sending his gang around, trying to scare me into leaving. He wants my block so they gain control of the park at the end of the street.

I know why he wants it and what he'll turn it into. They're building a new high school a few blocks down. He'll have his dealers working the parking lot every day...just like at every other park in his territory. He preys on kids because they're easy, because he's weak. But this park is mine. I'm not giving it up and I'm not giving up my house either. He'll have to pry them from my cold, dead fingers.

"Cade stopped him before he got that far."

"Are you okay?" Mariah repeats, and I know she's not asking about the attempted break-in this time. She's asking about Cade. She's the only person in the world who knows our history. When he left me, she was the one who put me back together again.

Am I okay?

"Hell no," I whisper, unable or unwilling to lie to my best friend. "Seeing him hurt like hell."

Seeing how little he cared hurt even worse than that. For fourteen years, we were inseparable. We went everywhere together, did everything together. Cade was always my biggest protector.

Then – Age Eleven

"You're not coming with us!" Titan yells, crossing his arms over his chest to glare at me. He looks so dumb with his hair all spiked up, wearing his baggie Adidas shirt and his jeans with pre-made holes in them.

"Mom said you can't leave me home alone!" I yell back, stomping my foot. He's always trying to leave me alone when she's working late so he can go flirt with Mandy Wright at the park at the end of the street. I don't like to stay home by myself. I'm not brave like he is. I'm eleven, but I get scared when I'm home alone.

"Dammit," he curses and kicks one of the plants on the front porch.

"It's fine, Titan," Cade says, trying to calm him down. He shoots me a wink that makes my stomach feel like there are butterflies in it.

"Why can't you ever just stay home?" Titan glares at me.

I bite my lip, refusing to tell him that I'm scared. He'll just call me a crybaby, and I don't want Cade to think I'm a chicken, even though I really am.

"She can come with us," Cade says with a shrug before I can think of a reason. He smiles, showing me his dimples. "You'll be good, right, baby girl?"

I nod and bounce up and down.

"Fine," Titan says with a scowl, "but I'm not playing any stupid baby games with you. And you can't follow me around."

"I don't play baby games, and I don't follow you around!" I stick my tongue out at him. I don't follow him around. Mostly, I follow Cade around, but I don't tell Titan that. He'd just laugh at me. Sometimes, he's a jerk.

"Whatever." Titan rolls his eyes and locks the front door before jumping from the porch to the sidewalk. He's such a showoff.

I don't know why he's so mean to me now. He used to like to play with me. Him and Cade always watched out for me and made sure no one messed with me. But ever since he started the eighth grade, he's been different. He's mean to me a lot. I don't know why, but I wish he was nice again. I miss him.

"Why are you so quiet, baby girl?" Cade asks, tugging on a strand of my hair as we follow Titan down the sidewalk.

"Why doesn't he like me anymore?" I whisper, staring down at the ground.

"He likes you," Cade promises me, reaching out to tug on my hair again. "He's just pissed because Mandy won't kiss him."

"He's always mean to me." I scrunch up my nose at the thought of my brother and Mandy kissing. She's pretty, but she's not very nice. She's always watching Cade like she'd rather have him flirting with her than Titan. But she holds my brother's hand and calls him all the time, so I think maybe she likes both of them.

"He loves you, baby girl. He's just a teenager. I'll talk to him and tell him he needs to be nicer to you."

"You're a teenager too, but you're nice to me."

He stares at me, his blue-gray eyes serious. "I will always be nice to you, January."

My stomach gets that floating feeling once more. I smile at him and then cast my eyes to the ground. We walk the rest of the way to the park in silence. When we get there, Mandy and some of Titan and Cade's friends are sitting on the basketball court.

There's an older guy wandering around on the other side of the park, but no one else is here.

"Let's go," Titan says to Cade and then jogs toward Mandy and their group of friends.

Cade hesitates.

"It's okay," I whisper even though I don't want him to go. "I'll be fine. I'm just going to swing for a little while."

"You sure?" he asks me, clearly not wanting to leave me alone.

I feel bad for that because he's with me more often than not. I used to get teased a lot because I'm short and a little chubby. But he made them all stop. I don't want him to stop liking me. What if he does, and the other kids start picking on me again? He said he'd always be nice to me. I believe him, but he should go with his friends. Just in case.

"Promise," I lie.

He peers at me for a minute and then nods before jogging toward Titan. I watch him until he's with them. He glances back at me and smiles, and then Mandy grabs his hand and pulls on it. He looks away from me to her and says something that makes everyone laugh.

I move my eyes away because I don't want to watch her flirt with him or see if he flirts with her, and then I mope toward the swings. The park is small and not very nice, but the swings are new. Someone broke all the old ones, and they had to put up new ones.

I sit down in my favorite one and start pushing myself, but I don't feel like swinging today. Once I slow down, I drag my feet through the dirt and let the swing drift back and forth. Using the toe of my shoe, I draw a heart in the dirt and then write Cade's name inside it. I quickly wipe it away so no one sees. They'd just make fun of me if they did.

Mandy laughs incredibly loud. I peek over there to find her sitting between Cade and Titan. She's holding my brother's hand, but she leans over toward Cade and whispers something in his ear. He leans away from her, which makes me happy. I really don't like her very much.

Done swinging, I hop down and then gasp.

The older guy who was on the other side of the park is standing in front of me, smiling. I think maybe he's homeless because his clothes are dirty and he smells gross. He's missing some of his teeth, and his eyes seem funny. They're unfocused like Mr. Ruben's when he drinks moonshine, the stuff my mom says is worse than normal alcohol. Sometimes he drinks a lot of it and gets loud and falls down.

"Hi," I whisper and take a step back. I wish I hadn't told Cade to go with his friends. The way the older guy keeps looking at me makes me uncomfortable.

"Sarah?" he says and steps toward me. His legs wobble beneath him, and he stumbles before righting himself. He smiles real big, but his eyes still look funny. "I can't believe it!" He reaches out to grab me.

I try to step back so he can't get me, but I trip over my own feet and fall.

He quickly wraps his hand around my arm. His grip is tight and painful. I try to pull free of him, but he squeezes my arm even harder, and I can't get loose. My pulse begins to race, and my skin feels hot and sweaty.

"I missed you, Sarah. Your mom wouldn't let me see you, but it's okay now. I'm home," he says and yanks on my arm, trying to pull me to my feet. When I don't go, he starts to drag me through the dirt.

He's trying to take me away.

I open my mouth and scream as loud as I can.

"January!" Cade yells.

"Let go of my sister!" Titan yells at the same time.

"Shut up, girl." The guy tries to slap my face. He trips over my legs and falls down in the dirt beside me. He still won't let go of my arm, though. He's starting to really scare me.

"Let me go," I cry, tugging on my arm.

The man tries to hit me again, but suddenly Cade is there. He kicks the man in the side and then grabs his arm, tearing it off of me. Titan rushes up a second later and kicks him, too. He yells at him to leave me alone.

The man starts to cry.

"It's okay, baby girl," Cade says and pulls me from the ground into his lap. He hugs me tight, keeping himself between me and the man who was hurting me. "Everything's okay."

I bury my face in his shirt and cry.

"Don't cry, January," Cade whispers in my ear. His voice shakes like he's scared too. "Please don't cry."

Titan keeps yelling at the man not to touch me, and then a bunch of other people are talking all at once. A few minutes later, sirens wail in the distance. Cade doesn't let me go though. Not even when a police officer comes running up to us to ask what happened.

"He was trying to drag my sister away!" Titan yells.

"Sarah," the guy cries. "My Sarah!"

If my brother and Cade hadn't been there, I don't know what would have happened. It scared all three of us, especially Cade. Even though I was younger than the two of them, he didn't mind that I followed him and my brother around like a lost puppy. He didn't go anywhere I wasn't invited. Neither of them did. They kept me close, and I loved every second of it.

I wish I'd been stronger back then. I wouldn't have let them make me the center of their worlds. Maybe things would be different now if I hadn't. Maybe they wouldn't have started the MC. Maybe our lives wouldn't have fallen apart. Maybe seeing Cade again wouldn't hurt like hell. Maybe Titan would still be here.

Maybe I could actually face myself in the mirror.

"I don't know why he's back," I whisper.

"You didn't hear?" Mariah arches a brow, clearly surprised.

I shake my head. My goal in life is to get through each day without hearing about him…without thinking about him. Pathetic, right?

She reaches into her bra and pulls out her cellphone before quickly pulling something up on the screen and holding the phone out to me. I stare at it for a minute, and then curiosity gets the better of me. I grab the hot pink iPhone.

Cartel leader killed by DEA agent; missing wife rescued.

"He's married?" I whisper, a wave of nausea climbing up my throat. My legs tremble, threatening to buckle beneath me. I grasp onto the edge of a desk to keep myself upright.

"Keep reading," Mariah says.

I'm not sure I want to, but I can't stop myself.

Elijah Noel, wanted by United States and Mexican authorities in connection to a string of murders, was shot and killed by Special Agent Tristan Riley of the DEA during an attempt to rescue his wife, former prima ballerina Lillian Riley, née Maddox. Authorities are advising that Noel, a known associate of cartel kingpin Pedro Francisco, kidnapped Mrs. Riley earlier this week with the assistance of Remi Pledger, a former DEA agent now wanted in connection with the crime.

Finn Bethel, Commander of the ATF's Gang Unit in Los Angeles, stated that, with the assistance of Special Agent Roman Gregory of the ATF and Special Agent Michael Kincaid of the DEA, Agent Riley was able to uncover his wife's location and swiftly made entry to rescue her. During their attempt, Elijah Noel attempted to shoot the DEA agent and was subsequently killed in a struggle for the weapon. Remi Pledger's whereabouts are currently unknown.

"Cade really is a cop," I mutter. I ignore the overwhelming sense of relief invading each cell of my body at the confirmation that he's not married—and the pinpricks of pain stabbing at my heart over the fact that he's not here because of me. It hurts to know he's only here because of his job, not because he missed me or thought about me or wanted to see me.

"Yeah," Mariah says with a snort. "I hear he's a real badass too. He's been taking down gangs in Seattle for…."

"For how long?" I ask when she bites her lip and averts her gaze.

"Seven years," she whispers.

Seven years.

I sink down onto one of the desks, unable to hold myself up any longer. Cade has spent the last seven years of his life keeping other people safe from the people who ruined our lives.

Is he still hurting, too? Is that why he does it?

The possibility that he's spent seven years punishing himself for what happened cracks my heart wide open. Despite everything, I never wanted that for him. I never blamed him for what happened. I never wanted him to blame himself either.

"He's been trying to redeem himself ever since he left," Mariah whispers to me, echoing my thoughts.

"Don't."

"January–"

"Please, don't," I plead, fighting not to cry. I blink my eyes rapidly and take a deep breath, pulling myself together. It's been a long time since I let myself cry. I'm not going to do it in the middle of my classroom. "I can't do this right now. Not here. Not today. Okay?"

"Okay," she agrees, sympathy in her voice. She takes her phone from my hands and then pulls me to my feet. "Come on, we're going to get something to eat, and then we're going to drink until you forget all about him again."

I follow her willingly, desperate to forget…though if I'm honest, I've never been able to do that.