34. Being Responsible

34

BEING RESPONSIBLE

K elly didn’t think she’d see Michael today but was glad he came over.

She knew they’d at least talk because she’d planned on making that move when she thought he’d be alone.

The last thing she expected was that he’d admit he was wrong though.

“No,” she said. “No one likes to admit it and I’ll admit it too when we get to my part. But I think there is more you need to say so I’ll let you do it.”

“Thank you for that,” he said. “And for being reasonable. I don’t think I was on Saturday. I was frustrated over what was going on with the house and that our plans had gotten ruined. I feel like I’ve had to cancel or change plans with you so much and it’s a guilt I carry that you deserve better and I can’t give it to you.”

Her heart skipped a few beats in her chest. He wasn’t one to say those things and without them talking, she didn’t always understand why he might be upset or angry on Saturday.

“I deserve you,” she said. “But we have to talk more. I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I didn’t know you were having issues with Electra. So I think what happened, the timing of it, just compounded what we both were feeling deep down and were afraid to say.”

“You’re right,” she said. “What else happened with Electra?”

“She cried. She pouted. She tried to make me feel guilty. In the end, I asked her to step up. Did she want our son to know she can’t even provide simple things for him or interact with him? If that is the image he wanted in his head all the time.”

“That’s harsh,” she said.

“See, I didn’t think it was,” he said. “Why do you say that?”

“I’m not saying it didn’t need to be said. I believe it did. I’m saying it’s harsh and I didn’t expect you to say it to her.”

“Meaning I always want to make her happy too?” he asked. “That isn’t the case. It’s never been about her, it’s always Ty.”

“I believe you think that,” she said. “But you said once that you wanted Ty to see his mother happy, so it was about her in a roundabout way. As I said, we aren’t all happy all the time. Even your four-year-old son knows that.”

“Touché,” he said. “I needed to hear those things.”

“I didn’t say them to hurt you.”

“I know that. And I fought back by hurting your feelings. It made me feel petty what I said. It was wrong. I never should have done it. I turned what you did back then, the love you felt for someone, into something dirty or wrong. That wasn’t right of me.”

“No,” she said. “It wasn’t. I loved Brian. I told you that. I got enough crap from his parents over it and I didn’t need that judgment from anyone else. Don’t think I haven’t felt it in my life too. That I only did it because deep down I knew it wasn’t going to last.”

She had to live with that and always would.

She couldn’t change the decision she made, and going back in time, she wouldn’t have. But she also knew that if she thought Brian might have lived, she most likely wouldn’t have married him.

“You did what you could to comfort someone,” he said. “In your mind, it wasn’t a sacrifice or hardship.”

“It wasn’t. It’s not as if anyone knew about it either. I can understand a lot of what you do for Ty because I know what it’s like to do something like that for someone you love.”

The fact Brian’s parents thought she did it for money and accused her of that in the end meant nothing.

It was just another reason why no one knew she was married because it did make her brief marriage feel as if she was being judged for wanting something else out of it.

“I think that is why it was so easy to let you into my life,” he said. “I never expected our relationship to always come out smelling like roses.”

“I’d say a lot of sewage was spilled on Saturday.”

“It was,” he said. “And words hurt and I have to carry the guilt that you think I feel that way about you. I can’t take it back and though I was pissed you left, I think it was the right decision. I wouldn’t want you to have said something to make you feel as I do right now.”

Even when she was pissed or annoyed with him, he was still a stand-up guy.

He accused her of doing everything for everyone else, but he did the same. He just couldn’t see it.

“You can put yourself first, you know.”

He frowned. “What does that mean? Do you think I have Ty too much?”

“There you go,” she said. “Jumping to conclusions. I said it because what you just said was that you wouldn’t want me to feel as you do right now. That’s putting other people ahead of you. You think of others before you do yourself. It’s not much different than me.”

“No,” he said. “Not when you explain it like that. I didn’t see it. I didn’t see a lot of things.”

“Love can be blind,” she said.

“You still love me after what I said?”

“I’m not someone who can turn love on and off,” she said. “I don’t believe that is even possible. I’m not saying people can’t fall out of love with someone, but that doesn’t mean that love never existed and it takes time for that to happen too. One fight isn’t going to do it. I’d like to think I’m made of stronger stuff.”

“You are,” he said. “If you can put up with me so far, you’re definitely strong.”

“I always thought I was strong,” she said. “I didn’t feel it Saturday night crying. Or Sunday when I went to my parents’ house and cried on my mother’s shoulder.”

He cringed. “I’m sorry. Did you tell her what happened? Everything?”

“I did,” she said. “I didn’t want to, but it slipped. I only wanted to talk to her about Electra and ask if I overreacted. I didn’t want her to be mad at you for what you said.”

“Is she?” he asked. “Do I have to go and talk to her?”

Her bottom lip started to tremble. “You’d do that?”

“Yes,” he said. “I don’t want us to have any distractions, or more distractions, in our relationship. I’d want to put their mind at ease that I didn’t mean it and am not a dick to their daughter.”

She walked over and hugged him and he held on tight. Tighter than she’d thought he would. “That is the sweetest thing ever. You don’t need to do that. Though my mother was annoyed, she also took your side on things. She had some good advice and told me I wasn’t wrong in how I felt, but that you might not be either. That we had to talk it out and see what happened.”

They moved apart and went to sit on the couch next to each other.

“I’m used to being the one to make all the decisions,” he said. “I don’t talk as much as I should.”

“Which is where the learning has to come into play,” she said. “I’m not trying to tell you how to parent Ty. I’d never do that.”

“Maybe you need to speak up,” he said. “What you said wasn’t wrong. I needed to see it. Or maybe I’ve seen it but had to open my eyes more to it.”

“So you aren’t mad I told you what I did?” she asked.

“No. Your mother is right. We have to talk. I hate that I don’t always put you first.”

“I know that. And I realized that when we are together, you try. I always loved that about you. Your dedication to your son but at the same time making it work for us. But it made me realize that you’re the one sacrificing too. That’s not right either.”

“It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice to me,” he said.

“It doesn’t make it any less of one,” she said. “Let’s back up. We’ve both said we are sorry. You asked Electra to step up. What is the next step? I’m only asking so I know. Not that I’m going to bolt. I’m going to be supportive and I want you to see that.”

“I do see it,” he said. “I put it out there for Electra. She could easily say she wants time away from Ty to figure it out and see how she feels. He might be hurt. He might not understand.”

“Or he might not think much of it at all,” she said. “Don’t put thoughts and words into your brain without knowing. I’m positive you will do whatever you can to get him to understand the best way possible.”

“I will,” he said. “Would you be okay with the fact I might have him full time?”

“Of course,” she said. “I think Ty is a great kid. We don’t spend a lot of time together as it is. I know you’d try to at least keep some of that time even if it was with Ty.”

“I would. I will. I’d like it if you would or could spend the night with him there. Maybe start slow.”

Which felt like an olive branch he was offering and it helped a lot.

“I’d like that too,” she said.

“Then we can plan on it Saturday if you’d like.”

“I would,” she said. “Are we all good now?”

“I hope so,” he said. “Ty asked if he was going to see you again. I told him he would.”

“And you wouldn’t want to lie to your son,” she said, bumping her shoulder into his. “Remember, I’m pretty tough. It’s going to take more than one fight to lose me.”

“Good,” he said. “I know we’ll fight again. People do. I don’t expect it to be perfect and have to remind myself I can’t shield Ty from those things, because you’re right, it’s not good for him or for us.”

“I’m glad there is still an us,” she said, leaning up to kiss him.

“Me too,” he said. “I love you.”

And because he didn’t say it often but said it at the right time, it meant the world to her.

“I love you too.”