32. Remember That

32

REMEMBER THAT

“ H i, Kelly,” her mother said the next morning as she walked into her parents’ house. “You’re not looking good. What’s going on?”

She’d called her mother this morning. She needed to talk to someone after a sleepless night. She thought the cold water on her face had helped but guess it didn’t.

“Michael and I got into a fight last night,” she said.

“About what?” her mother asked.

“His ex,” she said.

Her mother lifted her eyebrows. “I didn’t know there were issues with his ex.”

“There aren’t. Not really. I mean I’ve told you about her.”

“Do you want some coffee?” her mother asked.

“Sure,” she said.

Her mother went to brew a pot and Kelly pulled the creamer out and then sat at the counter on one of the stools.

“Not really means yes,” her mother said. “Or at least in your mind there is a problem and you don’t want to address it. Something had to have happened though.”

She told her mother everything. Even what Electra said to her when Ty was in the other room.

“She sounds vindictive, petty and malicious. Not immature, irresponsible and an airhead,” her mother said.

Kelly let out a sigh. Her mother put the coffee in front of her and she poured the creamer in it. “Yeah. I thought so too and hated that I saw that. And then I wondered how bad Michael’s judgment is.”

“Don’t do that,” her mother said. “You know women treat each other differently than men. You’d said before that Electra sleeps around or dates a lot. So she has no reason to act jealous that Michael has a girlfriend.”

“I’m not sure if she was jealous or just wanted to put a wrinkle in things.”

“Which is human nature at times,” her mother said.

“I know. I wouldn’t do that, but I wouldn’t do anything that Electra did. We are nothing alike in looks or personality.”

“Don’t compare. It didn’t work out with them. You said before Michael ended things with her because she was superficial and immature.”

“I know,” she said. “And that was years ago. He’s dated since then, but I’m not positive Electra knew. I’m the first girlfriend Michael has had and the first woman he’s introduced to Ty.”

“Then remember that. You talk a big game that none of this bothers you, but your father and I knew it had to at least a little. It’s hard to be second with your boyfriend. You say you understand and I’m positive you do. But sometimes doubts creep in. Have they?”

“They hadn’t all that much until yesterday. I think the biggest issue is that Michael admitted that he suspected Electra did it on purpose. Then he let her do it. I told him when we were fighting that I was more upset he enabled her to keep coming between us. That it has nothing to do with Ty but with Electra knowing she can pull these strings and he moves the direction she is guiding him.”

“I’m sure he didn’t like hearing that,” her mother said. “Are you sure it’s the truth? It’s kind of harsh.”

Kelly sighed. “I don’t know if it’s the truth as much as hurt feelings talking. But I did feel it and do feel it at times too. That just proved it. I mean Electra admitted she could get Michael to do her bidding. Then for him to say he figured she was doing it. What else was I supposed to think?”

“You do have a good point there,” her mother said. Her mother brought over some cookies and she helped herself to one. “But it seems to me he is navigating this about as well as you are.”

“He’s had no practice,” she said. “I get it. I hate that he’s cutting his teeth on me. I knew going in that he was going to put Ty first and I had no problems with it. But doing it so that Electra wins in the end is very hurtful and insulting. It’s disrespectful on top of it.”

“Are you so sure he did it on purpose?” her mother asked.

“I know he didn’t. Never think that. But I’m not going to sit back and not say anything either. I’ve done that too much in my life.”

“Don’t compare what happened in your life when you were nineteen to now,” her mother said.

She hadn’t told her mother what Michael said in regard to that and started to cry. “I’m not trying to,” she said.

“Why are you crying? I didn’t mean to upset you by bringing up Brian. It’s not that, is it?”

“Michael threw it in my face what I did.”

“What?” her mother asked. “You have to explain that to me or I’m going to get mad.”

“I don’t want you mad at him,” she said.

“It’s hard not to be. You’re my daughter and you’re upset. I’m going to take your side.”

Kelly didn’t want her mother to take sides. She wanted her mother to listen to her and give advice. She hoped she and Michael could work this out and didn’t want her mother to hold a grudge.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to come here, but it’s not like she was going to tell any of her friends about what happened because they wouldn’t understand, not knowing about Brian.

She’d have to keep that part of it secret and to her that was the reason she walked out on Michael and was upset over everything.

“I don’t want you taking sides. I just want you to listen and tell me if I’m wrong or not.”

“So far, you’re not. You’re entitled to feel the way you do and to let him know. It’s taken longer than I thought it would for you to feel this way. To say you won’t feel it at some point isn’t normal. And for him to expect you not to have some concerns about it at times, is him being naive.”

“He’s not naive,” she said. “I want to say he’s blind, but I don’t think he is that either. He said part of this had to do with him not thinking because he was in the middle of something.”

“Again, that could be the case,” her mother said. “What did he say about Brian?”

“I told him he was more concerned about making Electra happy. Or even if he wasn’t subconsciously thinking that, it’s what happened. He said I’m the last person that should comment on people being happy that I’m such a people pleaser that I married a man to fulfill his dying wish.”

“That was wrong,” her mother said. “I want to hate him for that.”

“Don’t hate him. Please. I can’t live with that. I don’t even hate him, but I’m hurt that he said it. I don’t even think he meant it as much as it was just a dirty shot.”

“People don’t say things that they aren’t thinking,” her mother said.

“I don’t understand why he said it unless it was just his defense.”

“I’m sure that is part of it, but for a man who is in control all the time with his messed up ex and doing everything right, he didn’t take those steps or wasn’t considerate enough with the woman he loved. And for those reasons, I’m pissed off as your mother.”

Kelly was crying even harder. Her mother only validated what she felt. “I know. I think all of it together is making me look at him differently and that is upsetting too. I didn’t expect that of him.”

“You don’t know how someone is in a fight until you have that fight. Now you know he might be someone that holds things in and lets them out at the worst time or can’t let something in the past go.”

“I don’t like that either,” she said. “I’ve got enough things in my life that I struggle with and can’t let go.”

Her mother reached her hand out and laid it on hers. “I don’t want that for you. What you and Brian had is in the past. His parents made it out to be anything but a love union.”

“You guys didn’t think it was either,” she said. “Admit it.”

“We were wrong. You were kids going through a horrible time. Brian put a lot on your shoulders and I hurt for you to see that stress and struggle. That is a parents’ job and curse when their child is suffering to want to fix it.”

“And I have to remember that about Michael too.”

“That is true,” her mother said. “And good that you can see that. But worrying that a four-year-old doesn’t see his mother any other way than happy isn’t the same thing. Life doesn’t work that way.”

“I said that too. He’s doing a disservice to Ty by letting him think the world is one way when it’s not. You can’t put your kid in a bubble. I didn’t say that to him and wanted to. I left before I said anything more I might regret.”

“Which is smart in a way. Not walking away, but you did what was right for you,” her mother said.

“I think I went into protection mode.”

“And though I don’t want to give Michael any nods, he could argue he does that all the time with Ty. But there comes a time when you have to let your child fly on their own. Four is young, don’t get me wrong.”

“I understand what you’re saying. You and Dad let me have some wings with Brian.”

“Your father and I regret not saying more, but what were we going to do? You married him without our knowledge. It was done. We felt the best we could do going forward was support you. It’s not as if you were living together.”

“His parents would never let me move in, but they did let me stay there so that Brian wasn’t alone. I feel like they used our marriage when it was convenient for them.”

She’d never said those words out loud before.

“Your father and I talked about that too. If there had been a different ending, no one knows what things would have been like.”

Fresh tears fell down her face. “I think I didn’t expect an ending other than what happened and that is why I married him. Am I horrible saying that?”

In her heart, though she loved Brian, she knew it was temporary. There was no future and all she was doing was putting her life on hold for a boy she’d loved most of her life. It wasn’t much of a sacrifice to her. It had nothing to do with being a people pleaser and just doing what felt right at the time.

“You’re not,” her mother said. “Don’t think that. Though your father and I were happy that not many knew about the marriage, we were upset too. It felt to us that you were ashamed of what you did. By giving in to his parents wanting to keep it quiet, they got their way. Did you feel that way because they did?”

“I didn’t feel ashamed of what I did. But I felt they did. It wasn’t a good feeling, but I didn’t want Brian to feel that way so I put on a good face. Maybe I am a people pleaser.”

Her mother came around to hug her and she started to crumble into sobs.

How could so much of this have been held up inside of her?

And was there no hope for her and Michael if he felt this way and she couldn’t even get out of her own head?

She cried for a few minutes and then moved out of her mother’s arms and cleaned her face.

“There is nothing wrong with wanting to make other people happy,” her mother said. “If it’s not at the expense of your peace of mind. It’s okay to put other people first, but not if you’re the one that is always last.”

Kelly nodded. “I’m starting to think that too. I don’t think I do that. I know I did with Brian but have never done it with anyone else. I don’t feel as if I’m doing it with Michael. Am I? Do you think so?”

“I don’t,” her mother said. “I think you’re putting Ty first and he is too. Do I think you’re last? Not all the time, but sometimes you are. Last night was one of those times. You have to decide if you’re okay with that now or in the future. Or how much of it you can accept. My only advice is that you’re clear with Michael on where you stand. If you want to work this out.”

“I do,” she said. “Not sure how the conversation will go.”

“You have to say what you feel and so does he; otherwise, it’s lip service and you’ll end up in the same spot again and again.”

“I know,” she said. “I’ll figure it out. Somehow. Thanks for being there for me.”

“Always,” her mother said.