40. Want To Protect You

40

WANT TO PROTECT YOU

D ane knew he had to apologize to Sloane. He wanted to call her yesterday and do it but figured she might still need to calm down.

Then he told himself, he wasn’t all that wrong. He just had to explain it to her.

If she’d even talk to him.

When he got the text this morning saying they had to talk and if he could come over after work, that Shiloh was going to stay at the spa, he knew things might not be good.

He was just thankful he didn’t get a call and have to go to the hospital. And hoped that he wouldn’t get one and have to leave.

He knocked on her door, something he hadn’t done in months. He normally just walked in.

“Hi,” he said.

“Come sit down,” she said.

He moved in and sat. She still looked pissed off, but there was some sadness in her eyes.

If she was ending things with him, he wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to handle it .

How he could tell his kids it was over when they were just as in love with Sloane as him.

He’d never stay with someone just because his kids liked them. He had to like the person as much as he loved them.

That was what could make this hard.

Nope. Mel told him he didn’t fight for her. But he was going to damn well fight for Sloane.

“First off, I’m not going to apologize for having Zander look into Simon.”

“Because you think you were right to do it?” she asked.

“I do,” he said. “I love you. I love Shiloh. I needed to know that there wasn’t a chance someone was going to come out of your past and into your life and cause trouble.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because if that could happen I wanted to be prepared,” he said. “I get it. We can’t plan or prepare for everything. I know that as well as you do. But if I can prepare or plan then I’m going to try to. That is all it was about. I didn’t give two shits about any medical information on the guy or his traits. He’s not you just like I’m not who birthed me.”

“That’s the only reason you did it?” she asked.

“Yes. I’m not lying. I haven’t lied to you once and I won’t.”

“Why not tell me you were having Zander do that?” she asked. “Because you knew I’d say no?”

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t decide to do it until a few weeks ago. He said he’d look, but he couldn’t guarantee he’d find anything. I knew you’d say no, but if you didn’t I didn’t want your hopes up and nothing to come out of it.”

“My hopes wouldn’t be up for anything,” she said. “I told you I don’t want to go back to that part of my life. I know I’ve got half siblings out there. I’m raising one now. But if another one from the cult showed up on my door and asked me to raise them I wouldn’t. ”

“Because you have no connection to Simon but you did to your mother?” he asked.

“That’s right. I don’t know that man other than what he does to people. How he controls them. The mind games he did with my mother. There are plenty of other people who could take on another half sibling, but no one that could take Shiloh. She has a part of my mother in her that maybe I didn’t get to see. Or at least a part I can share with someone else.”

“You didn’t have that with Sabrina?” he asked.

“I didn’t. I never will. She and I are two different people. I don’t want to think she has more traits of Simon than me. I just don’t know. But we both have to live our lives our way and come to terms on our own.”

“Just like I had to,” he said. “It took me years to do it with Mel. I’ve been beating myself up for weeks about her saying that I didn’t fight for her.”

“Oh, don’t go there,” she said. “Don’t use that as an excuse for asking Zander to look into things.”

He got up and ran his hands through his hair. He did that when he was frustrated a lot. “You know something? I lose for trying to win. Nothing ever goes right in my life. And this isn’t a poor Dane speech. What I realized the past few weeks with my ex is that we were never going to make it work. It was better to end it when we did. And I spent years alone while she happily went about her life. But the minute I find someone that I love more than I ever thought I could love another person, Mel is back to blaming me for things. For not fighting for her. I’m telling you right now, I’m fighting for you, but I’m not using my ex as a crutch.”

“You’re going to fight for me?” she asked.

He wasn’t sure why she was so stunned by it. “I am,” he said. “Because I know you love me just as much. But I also know you’re scared. I can understand your life as you understand mine. My kids, they opened their hearts to you and it’s not something they do easily.”

“Shiloh heard us fighting,” she said quietly. “That’s why she’s not here. I didn’t know how this was going to work out and she was upset. I don’t want her to go through it.”

He moved closer and sat next to her on the couch. Maybe this was the sadness he saw in her eyes. “What happened?”

“She heard me tell you to leave. She was crying, afraid that you were gone for good and not coming back.”

“No,” he said. “I’m not. What did you tell her?”

“That people fight, but it’d be fine.”

“Were you lying?” he asked.

“No. People fight and I hoped we’d be fine, but I had no idea if that would be the case. I’d like to think you and I had no secrets between us. Not from the first date.”

Which would explain her reaction and hurt.

“No,” he said. “We haven’t.”

“But you didn’t tell me that you asked Zander to do that. That’s a secret, Dane.”

He hadn’t thought of it that way. “I’ll apologize for that,” he said. “I didn’t think of it that way. It’s what I said. I just want to protect you.”

“I don’t need anyone to protect me,” she argued.

“You’re not used to anyone doing it,” he corrected. “But everyone needs it. Maybe I need it too but never had it.”

It took a lot for him to admit that.

“Your sister is always there for you,” she said.

“That’s not what I meant,” he said. “I want a partner in my life to do it. I want to be equal with someone. That’s not easy to find. I thought with you, we had it. ”

“We do,” she said. “More than I thought I’d ever find. I was just hurt. I thought you were looking into my background for something I might have withheld from you.”

“Why would you think that?” he asked.

“Trust is hard for me,” she said. “I thought I was over it all.”

“Or maybe things are moving so fast and so well with us that you were scared. That you always worry something is going to go wrong and it’s that control again. If you write the script you know what happens. But guess what, Sloane? Scripts get lost. They have parts deleted and overwritten. Nothing is ever what we think it’s going to be.”

Which he had to learn the hard way with his first wife.

“No,” she said. “It’s not. I should apologize to you too. I shouldn’t have kicked you out and let you talk.”

“So you believe why I did it?” he asked. “My explanation?”

“I do,” she said. “Because I believe in you. Even when I don’t know how this is all going to work out in the future. I realized yesterday that I’d never find what I have with you with anyone else. I don’t want to even look let alone lose you, but I’d never keep you handcuffed to me either if it’s not what you want. Maybe I thought in my mind that you were trying to find a reason to leave.”

He pulled her into his arms. “No. I’m not trying to leave. I’m not letting you kick me out. Just like I didn’t let you try to put space between us when you found out about Shiloh. I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

“I don’t want to,” she said, sniffling some.

“Then it’s good enough for now,” he said. “Do you love me?”

“I do,” she said .

“I love you too. And this isn’t me talking to you like I do the kids. It’s just me being open and honest.”

“Which is how you are with them too. I was wrong to say what I had. I think my emotions were just running so high.”

“It’s going to happen. The next time we just have to talk it out.”

“And if I need a day or so to wrap my head around it, is that going to be a problem?” she asked.

“No. As long as you tell me you still love me, I’ll believe it. I want to say as long as you love someone you can make it work, but I know that’s not always the case.”

“Yes, it is,” she said, hugging him. “Because if you love someone enough, it’s not all about one person but about compromise. It’s about each other.”

He didn’t have that with Mel and it was just too bad he realized it as late as he had.

“You’re right. It’s about each other,” he said, kissing her on the forehead. “Can we go get Shiloh now? Together? I don’t want her upset either.”

“And that is what I mean about each other,” she said. “You put others first all the time, but it’s not a bad thing.”

“Our children need us to be strong,” he said. “They need us to learn lessons just as much as we need to teach them. Maybe we should sit down together with her and let her know that it’s okay to fight and then make up. My kids never saw that. Mel and I didn’t fight in front of them. When we split it was a huge shock. Life isn’t pretty. It’s messy and dirty and stinky. Our kids need to know those things.”

“Shiloh knows all of that,” she said. “It’s time for me to show her the pretty things in life.”

“Together all our kids can get a well-rounded upbringing,” he said.

“They can,” she said. “Are we good? ”

“More than good,” he said. “Let’s go get Shiloh so she knows I’m not going anywhere.”

“You better not,” she said, smiling.

The kind of smile he’d been missing and he knew right away she spoke the truth from her heart.