Chapter 33

Pacing around the sitting room isn't getting any more entertaining, but I don't know what else to do. Rhydian left early this morning, saying he couldn't take me with him today and that he'd be back late. Tristan is busy. I'm still banned from seeing Dyfri. Pinky can't find Mabon anywhere to ask if he is free. So I'm left with absolutely nothing to do. Again.

I'm going to lose my mind. Well, whatever bits of it I have left.

I pick up one of the books I'm reading from the shelf and flop despondently onto the chaise lounge. The radio is playing quietly in the background, but I'm not really in the mood for that either. I'm not only bored, I'm agitated too. Tristan's revelations yesterday in the garden are still haunting me.

A stark reminder of reality. I love the luxury of life here. I've grown fond of several of the fey. Sex with Rhydian is fantastic and I've truly grown to care for him. But there is darkness and danger everywhere. I'm not dealing with humans. I'm hugely out of my depth.

I sigh heavily, and it echoes around the empty room. I might as well admit to myself what is truly on my mind.

Is Rhydian a monster?

Have I fooled myself into seeing what is not there? Is the idea that he is kind and caring under his icy armour simply what I want to believe? Have I been engaging in anthropomorphism? Giving human attributes to those around me, like people do with their dogs and cats?

Groaning, I open my book. I need a distraction from my spiralling thoughts. There is no point asking myself the same questions over and over again when I'm unlikely to ever know the answers.

Humans can be awfully cruel, too. I know this. I may well be panicking over nothing. The fey I am surrounded by could be exactly like humans, just of the cruel variety. I might simply be a sheltered little dweeb, and Rhydian could be everything that I think he is.

I take a deep breath to try to clear my mind as I turn the page of my book. A piece of paper flutters out and nearly lands on my face. Puzzled, I put the book down and pick up the piece of paper.

My mum's beautiful handwriting glides across the plain white paper. My heart is hammering now. I sit up straighter and read the note.

‘Sweetheart, if you have suffered a fraction of what Ninian has, please let me come and get you. The dragon riders are willing to help.'

I reread it several times. Then I use the sleeve of my robe to wipe away my tears. Ninian is safe, my mum is her usual wonderful self, and she has somehow found the dragon riders and talked them into doing her bidding.

A slightly hysterical laugh spills out of me. I turn the scrap of paper over.

‘Leave a note where you found this. I can't risk people's lives if you are not going to come.'

The paper scrunches in my hand. Do I eat it? Burn it? Flush it down the loo? I wish I had a phone so I could Google the best way of disposing of a secret message.

How did it even get here? Who on earth put it in my book? Was it Pinky? I can't imagine anyone sneaking in under Pinky's nose, so she has to at least know about this. The fact that the grumpy little fey wants to help me, is making me feel all warm and tingly. The fact that she is willing to betray Rhydian is filling me with ice cold rage.

Sweet baby Jesus, I'm a mess. An absolute mess of a person. And not even a hot mess. Just a mess.

Though actually, thanks to magical fey food, I might actually qualify as a hot mess now. I laugh hysterically again as I walk to the bathroom. I rip the note up and sigh in relief as it flushes away. Yay for good quality plumbing.

As I walk out of the bathroom, I nearly scream in fright. Rhydian is in the sitting room, waiting for me. He is standing by the window with his hands clasped behind his back. He looks solemn, not furious. Does that mean he doesn't know about the note? But why else would he be here? He said he was going to be back late, and it is barely noon.

"Hi," I say, and damn it, my voice is shaking.

He is staring at me, but I cannot read his expression at all. I thought I had learnt how to, but clearly not. Clearly, he only allows me to see what he wants me to see.

"Sit down," he says softly as he gestures at the table by the window.

I force a swallow down my tight throat as I obey. To my surprise, he takes a seat opposite me. Then he reaches out and takes my hand in his. I stare down at our joined hands and I blink.

"I have some unfortunate news," he says.

I drag my gaze up to meet his. He looks sad now. Sad and worried.

"The tylwyth has died."

The words take a moment to register. "Oh!" I gasp finally. That's awful. "What happened?"

Rhydian frowns. The silence stretches on for a very long time. Then he takes a deep breath.

"He cut his own throat with a cake knife."

A terrible, awful wail fills the room. Was that me? I didn't even know I was capable of making noises like that. Now it feels as if someone has their hand wrapped around my heart and they are squeezing so tightly my heart can't beat.

Rhydian moves and suddenly I'm on his lap and his arms are around me. I cling on to him and continue to make awful noises. I can't think. I can only feel. Grief, regret. Horror and shame, they are all devouring me. The pain is immense. It is too big, too intense, too much.

I'm crying now. Great heaving sobs. Rhydian is holding me tightly and making soothing noises. He is not trying to get me to shut up. He seems to understand that it all needs to pour out of me, and he appears content to hold me until I am done.

He knew I'd be devastated. He is ruling an entire country shortly after an invasion and he still cut his busy schedule short so he could come tell me himself and be here for me as I fell apart. I cling onto him harder and bury my face into his shoulder. He is not a monster. I'm ashamed I ever thought that might be true.

I'm an idiot. In so many different ways. An idiot about not trusting my heart. And an idiot who gives people knives so they can kill themselves.

I didn't even bother to learn the tylwyth's name, let alone his state of mind, before making such a rash decision. And now he is dead.

I probably should tell myself that the tylwyth is free now. I enabled him to make a choice. But those are hollow sentiments. Someone is dead because of me and my foolish actions. It is all my fault.

Rhydian scoops me up and carries me to the bedroom. He places me on top of the furs and spoons in close behind me. It is dark in here and quiet. Rhydian's familiar scent is wafting over me. His firm body is pressing against my own. My body knows the feel of him. He feels like safety and like home.

My heart beat is calming down, but I'm still sobbing. But it is okay, I'm allowed to cry. Rhydian has me.

Hours pass, and finally I am all out of tears. I'm just lying quietly in Rhydian's arms. My eyes are dry and swollen. My face is sticky.

Rhydian slides carefully off of the bed. He returns quickly with a glass of water and a warm wet cloth. I scramble up to a sitting position and accept both his offerings gratefully.

The cold water soothes my throat, and it feels great to wipe all the dried tears off of my face.

"Thank you," I croak.

He leans forward and kisses the top of my head, and my entire body sags. I might just melt into a puddle of goo.

"You can go back to work," I say.

His eyes narrow. "I'm not leaving you."

My heart does a little flip. "I'll be okay," I insist. "I'm probably just going to have a nap. I know you are stupidly busy."

"Are you sure?" he asks.

I nod. "As long as you are going to hold me again tonight."

"Of course," he agrees softly.

I give him a weak smile and flop back down onto the bed, where I close my eyes and act as if I'm about to go to sleep.

I listen to him quietly leave and I wait for several more minutes. Then I get up. I need to find a pen and paper. I need to tell my mum that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm in love.