6

lazarus

I WOKE JUST before sunrise as I always did, and I woke the others as I stretched and extricated myself from the little ball we'd curled up into.

The tithe in the middle woke too.

She was pretty, I realized, more pretty than I'd noticed at the height of the moon's pull, when she'd just looked like a collection of fuckable holes to me, maybe with some enticing curves put in there, too, things to hold onto, to press against.

She was young, but they were always young, and she had big, expressive brown eyes. Her hair was a little bit wavy, shoulder-length, and it was all a mess from the way we'd had our way with her.

Her breasts were high and firm with tiny pink tips. Her thighs were pleasingly thick. She had a soft protrusion of a belly, an ample backside. She was a very beautiful naked woman, and I'd had my cock in all of her holes last night, and I could feel it swelling again.

But I yipped at Kestrel, and he barked in agreement.

You couldn't communicate exactly when you were shifted, and you weren't entirely in control of yourself. It wasn't like control when you were in human form, where you felt as if you had the capacity for endless decisions. In wolf form, there were simply less decisions you could make.

You could decide to take control of yourself and stop yourself from doing something instinctive that you wanted to do, usually something violent or inappropriate. But you had a finite amount of times that you could stop yourself before you didn't have any will left to stop yourself and the wolf swallowed you up.

So, you learned how to give in strategically to save your ability to take control for the important things.

If you didn't, if you fought it too hard, you simply ended up with it taking you over, and then you usually killed something. It was horrifying watching your body do something like that and having no way to stop yourself. I had nightmares about it at least twice a week, and I'd wake up from those dreams of the sight and smell of blood and torn flesh feeling horrified and disgusted and so, so afraid.

Of myself.

Fearing your own self, it's…

Well, it's common amongst us werewolves, I'm afraid.

Kestrel led us away from the girl. Paladin fell into step with me, and we all padded off on all fours.

She called after us, asking where we were going.

Paladin looked back at her, but Kestrel and I ignored her.

I could not believe that jackass had knotted her. Kestrel had better control of himself when he was shifted than I did, and I didn't know why that was. Maybe I was too frightened of hurting people and it made me too cautious or the fear impeded my capacity to trust myself at all. I wasn't sure. But even though I was older than him, I ceded the leadership role to Kestrel.

Paladin wasn't capable of being a leader. He was just sort of our puppy. We loved him, Kestrel and I both did, but in different ways, I supposed.

Anyway, Kestrel usually had better control of himself, so why hadn't he stopped himself from knotting her? It made it all the more likely that she'd get pregnant. That was the purpose of the knot, after all. But Kestrel and I had both talked about not wanting that, not wanting to do that to a woman, for one thing, and not wanting to think about having a child out there that we'd never see. A child who very well might grow into a werewolf and be sent out into this life beyond the walls, in exile.

The best thing would be for a tithe to end a pregnancy, but they usually didn't, because it got them out of the gatherings. Once they were pregnant, they never had to come back. If they terminated, though, they'd be back.

At the point when Kestrel had decided to knot his cock inside her, she hadn't had my semen inside her, at least, but she'd had Paladin's in there. Way to make that decision for Paladin, Kestrel, I thought.

That was when I realized the tithe had come after us, because Paladin peeled off to go back to her.

She ran her hands through Paladin's russet fur, smiling down at him. "I didn't think we'd all go to sleep. I thought it was nonstop banging until dawn."

That had been strange, actually, but I wondered if it was different to be isolated. When there were twelve or fifteen tithes all getting fucked and you could scent all of that happening, maybe it kept you from ever feeling satiated. I hadn't minded that it hadn't been as frenzied and prolonged as usual, actually.

She touched her chest. "I'm Clementine."

I growled in response. I did not want this poor girl's name, not after whatever it was we'd done to her. I'd lost count of the times I'd drawn blood. Maybe she healed it quick, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt her. I still remembered the way her body had reacted when I'd taken her ass. That had hurt. I knew what that felt like, anyway. You didn't end up out here, in the wild, with a bunch of men who didn't have any women to fuck and escape being raped. It happened to all wolves. It was commonplace.

I didn't know what we did to the tithes, not exactly, and I didn't want to pretend that it wasn't complicated.

But the thing about "complicated" was that it was the enemy of a victim and the weapon of the rapist. Oh, yeah, it's complicated, sure.

Did the tithes want to be here, really?

Yeah, didn't think so .

So, what did I want? To say that because I'd been raped, it meant I wasn't also a rapist? Because it did not mean that, and I knew it. I'd given up thinking of myself as a good person after I murdered the woman I loved and the baby I'd put inside her. I was not a good person, and I just had to accept that.

But I knew about it, anyway, knew about it from all the complicated angles. Knew how it felt to be forced to submit to someone sexually, knew how it felt good in some weird way, even as if it felt awful, knew about going soft on a person who abused you.

Don't even think about it, Clementine, I thought at her. Turn around and run. Run from us. Don't you see what we are? We're wolves, you dumb bitch.

Paladin rubbed his head against her body.

She sank both hands into his pelt, grinning at him. "Do you have to leave before the sun comes up or something? Like some fairy tale story? What happens if I watch you shift back?"

You get locked out here with us if you're not back at the gate at sunrise. I growled again.

"Fine," she said, shaking her head at me. "Mr. Gray, you're very confusing, with the making sure to lube me before you fucked my ass and then pretending like you hate me. That doesn't make any sense."

This just knocked the wind out of me for some reason. I bowed my head.

"Next month?" she said. "Find me again?"

Kestrel barked again, dismissive. He turned and started walking.

I went after him, but I was drooping, my tail, my ears, my whole fucking existence. I didn't want her to think I hated her for whatever reason. I wanted… hell, I wanted to run back to her and do whatever Paladin was doing, lick her all over, rub my head against her, feel her hands all over me again.

But Paladin caught up with the three of us and we all trooped off, back toward the farmhouse, the moon hanging heavy in the sky.

clementine

WHEN I GOT back to the gate, the sun was rising, and the guards there yelled at me to hurry up if I didn't want to be closed out.

I sprinted all the way there as they held it open for me. Then I squeezed through and was given my clothes to put on. As I stepped into my pants, the other tithes were abuzz with whatever had happened out there. I listened, gathering that it was completely different this time, that they'd never experienced anything like it. All of them had been taken aside by a small group and many of them were talking about how they'd fallen asleep with them, how it had been different, less frenzied.

"I think they have more control when there's less of them," said one of the tithes.

"Or maybe less of us?" said another one. "They scent us, don't they, and maybe all that concentrated tithe scent makes them really worked up."

I looked around for Noah, but I didn't see him.

I thought maybe he'd come and gone, but I could see that my clothes had been left right next to his and his clothes were still there. The clothes were kept in a series of lockers next to the wall here. They didn't lock, but the guards here kept watch over them all night. Anyway, I'd been instructed not to bring anything of value to the gathering. I hadn't driven here, so I hadn't brought my car keys. I hadn't brought my phone, either. My roommate was supposed to meet me and drive me back afterward. I hoped she was in the parking lot.

I raised my voice. "Does anyone know what happened to Noah?"

All of the other tithes shrugged.

"I saw him with one other wolf," said one of the tithes. "He wasn't anyone's first pick, I don't think, but then he never is. Anyway, maybe he mated. Usually, that's what it means if a tithe doesn't come back."

"Sure," said another tithe, "unless it means that the tithe is dead."

I flinched.

I trudged out to the parking lot where my roommate was indeed waiting. She had Starbucks for me, coffee and a breakfast sandwich. "You okay?" she said, looking me over.

"I'm okay," I said. "Thanks for this. I'll pay you back when we get back to the dorm."

"It's cool," she said. "You want to talk about it?"

Yes. So much. I was so confused. "Not really."

"Okay," she said. "Well, if you change your mind…?"

I nodded. "Thanks."

When I got home, I had to call my dad, but luckily he didn't ask any embarrassing questions, which was good. Anyway, I could hear Angela in the background, and she was sobbing really loudly, and I let my dad get off the phone to deal with that. It didn't surprise me that my stepmother was making it all about her. That seemed pretty much par for the course.

Then, I slept, coffee notwithstanding. I woke around noon and realized it was weird I hadn't wanted to shower, what with being covered in all kinds of wolf fluids. I didn't know how to come to terms with the fact that they felt sort of nice, that I kind of liked the smell, and that having their semen on me and in me made me feel claimed and safe, like I belonged to them.

Well.

I showered.

Ninnia had called me a bunch of times, but I'd put my phone on do-not-disturb to nap. I called her back.

"You okay?" she greeted me.

"I am," I said, aware that my voice sounded sort of dreamy. "It was nice."

"Nice?" she said.

"Yeah, I mean…" I didn't know how to explain it. "They couldn't help it and I couldn't help it, you know, but we were there with each other together, and they did the best th ey could to make it less bad for me. And I had so many orgasms, so that was nice."

"Really?" she said, intrigued.

"Really."

"Really?"

I laughed.

"How many of them? Did you have sex with like twenty wolves last night?"

"No, just three," I said, thinking of each of them and my voice going even dreamier. "There was one who was gray, and he was careful with me, and one who was silver and black and he was the leader, but he ended up knotting me, and then there was a russet wolf who seemed so eager and his tongue , it was… oh, wow."

"I'm feeling weirdly jealous," said Ninnia.

"Don't be jealous," I said. "It was… you know… awful and invasive. I had to be naked in front of a ton of people. It hurt a lot. Like, a lot."

"Oh," she said. "Did they end up… like… there? "

"Uh huh," I said. "More than once."

"I've never done anal," she said.

"It's nice," I said.

"I think you and I have totally different definitions of nice," she said.

I laughed.

She laughed.

"Well, whatever, I can handle this," I said. "Six months to eight months of this? It doesn't sound that bad."

"But… you never called me and said that you'd actually gone to bed with someone, right?"

I didn't say anything.

"Oh, hell, Clementine, tell me this was not your first time!"

I just giggled helplessly. "But I liked it, though, Ninnia. I didn't mind. I think I'm glad I waited for this. It felt right in some weird way? It was good."

"Go to the therapy, please!" Tithes had access to free therapy sessions to get through it .

I only laughed. "I'm fine, seriously. I'm fine ."

And I was fine.

I was back in classes the next week, and I felt good. I had a certain feeling of clarity that I couldn't really remember having before. I felt sharp in a strange way, like I could see and hear things more clearly than I had ever been able to before. I felt as if I could easily settle into a sense of peace, too. Sometimes, I would be walking, and I'd just be pulled to look at the sky or the trees or the clouds or a flock of flying birds. They would seem to sear my soul with their beauty and perfection, the shape of them, the sound of them, like a call that hooked into me and tugged on me.

It felt good, like the way the orgasms had felt good, but they didn't turn me on.

It just felt…

I don't know, exactly. Usually, I never noticed my surroundings when I was walking anywhere. Usually, I was too caught up in thinking about things I was worried about or something embarrassing I had done the day before.

Now, more often than not, I felt pulled into the present, just pinned there, and it was just, well, different. More pleasant in a way, but mostly because of its reality and sharpness, not because it was easier or sweeter.

But the following weekend I began wondering if I had mated them.

It started with a dream that I had, one where I climbed over the wall and went out through the wilderness to find them, following their scent like a trail. I woke up and I knew that scent trail wasn't going to last forever.

But I fought the idea of that, because it was terrifying and I didn't want that. If I'd resisted being sent to another country by my father, I resisted this too.

If I went out to mate to the wolves, I would go into exile, like them. I could come back, it was true. That was what was different between going to another country. I would not lose my ability to be a citizen here. But it wasn't as if I could easily come and go over and back between the walled-off countryside and the cities .

The gates only opened at the full moons. I could come through then, and usually women who wanted to go through would do it at the sunrise to avoid the wildness of the wolves attacking the tithes, but once I was through, I couldn't go back over until the gate opened again, a month later.

And it was frowned on to go back to the wolves once you'd come back to the cities. If I wanted to be there, I would be there, and I would lose the connection I had with my father and my friends.

I'd still be able to communicate with them, at least somewhat. Wolves did have access to the internet, and some even had cell phones—usually these were paid for by their families, though. It was like having a child in jail, having a wolf out in exile. Families did what they could to take care of them, of course, because that was what you did for people you cared about.

I didn't like the idea of being dependent on my father in that way forever. I didn't like not having money or a job. I didn't like the idea of leaving school most of all.

I was studying to be a lawyer. I had a plan, and it involved a lot of schooling, but it was worth it. Giving up on it now, especially to be a mate to some wolfmen in the woods, it was not my idea of a future.

Not to mention, I didn't even believe in this mating nonsense, especially not to three wolves at once.

The first time I found out about mating, it was one of those weird documentary series that always seem to show up on the streamers about this sort of thing. I don't think it was the one where the camera crew all got ripped to shreds by wolves on a full moon while they were filming, though. That one ended up focusing more on the fact that there were lots of weird factions out there in werewolf territory and that the wolves were all practically at war with each other, that there was a lot of aggression.

But everyone knew that already.

Anyway, this was about some woman who seemed legitimately psychologically damaged, in my fifteen-year- old opinion. Of course, I was doing a lot of work psychoanalyzing my stepmother at the time, so take all this with a grain of salt.

This woman became a tithe right after she'd gone through this awful breakup. I think she had maybe even been left at the altar during her wedding, or at least, she'd had some kind of broken engagement. But whatever, she talked about this in that way that people talk about things where they want to delude themselves into thinking that, like, there's some grand plan for them written out by the universe, right?

Like, oh, yes, there was a reason I went through the pain of this breakup and it was because I was destined to be a werewolf broodmare.

Because, she had three kids and was pregnant again in the documentary, and they were raising these children out there in the exiled world, so they weren't going to school or anything, and it was all a big, fat mess, everything about it.

Personally, I was not going to go out into the woods and become one of those crazy people who believed in true love conquering everything or that the mystical universe had a plan for me and it was that I was fated to have a gazillion werewolf babies.

On the other hand, I thought about the werewolves all the time .

I had noticed, since coming back from the gathering, that regular men had stopped looking attractive to me, even the ones who were hairy and huge, even the ones I'd been attracted to during the roaming phase. I had noticed that it was impossible for me to get off using my typical masturbatory tools and fantasies.

I usually just pretended stuff, and it was fairly standard, like some hot guy from one of my classes gets stuck outside my house and there's a snow storm and his clothes are all wet and we have to put them in the dryer and—

If I got bored with stuff like that, I would sometimes read free erotica on the internet, and that would typically be a little bit more adventurous.

But none of it, even the balls-to-the-walls erotica that was usually too much for me, was enough anymore.

On the other hand, if I switched to remembering any one of my wolves's cocks, it was essentially over in seconds. Boom . Orgasm city.

And I wanted to masturbate a lot since becoming a tithe, so I was feeling frustrated about this.

I took to the internet, and it told me that this was the first sign of being mated.

But.

Bullshit.

There was no such thing as mating.

It didn't happen anywhere in the animal kingdom. Animal-wolves sure as fuck didn't mate.

Okay, they did.

They actually tended to mate for life.

But it wasn't some mystical fate thing decreed by magic or some shit.

It wasn't meant to be.

It was like when humans picked a mate and we tended to stay with that person. We picked someone who seemed pretty good, and we settled down with them and then a bond formed, and the bond was strengthened by having children and all of that. But it could be broken for various reasons, if necessary, and wolves were the same way.

I did not believe that I was, like, meant for these men who had—let's face it—had really rough sex with me that I wouldn't have even liked if I hadn't been altered by whatever happened to my body on the full moon when I was a tithe.

I was not going to give in to this urge within me.

I was going to make my own choices.

I was in control of me.

And then, one of them contacted me on social media.