28

clementine

WHEN I GOT up, Kestrel and Lazarus were in the kitchen, kissing.

I just stood in the doorway, watching it, this huge grin spreading across my face, and I couldn't explain how jubilant I felt in that moment. I didn't even understand why it was so good, but seeing two people I loved loving each other made my heart feel so full, I thought it might overflow.

Kestrel saw me, and they both broke apart, like they were embarrassed, and they laughed a little.

I started giggling and then I bounced over, across the room to both of them. I put one hand on each of their chests (both of which were bare and glorious) and I beamed up at them, radiating my happiness at them. "Good morning," I said.

Lazarus put his whole, huge palm right against my cheek, and there was something different about him, and I could feel it. "Morning, beautiful."

I shut my eyes and rubbed my face into his hand, sighing.

Kestrel kissed the top of my head.

I opened my eyes and grinned at them. "Um? Not to be a creeper, but do that again? Kiss again?"

They both laughed.

Kestrel waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively.

And then they did it . With tongue. And it was the hottest thing on earth.

"Now," I said. "Let's wake Paladin, and now. All four of us." I had gone from zero to fifty on the arousal scale just like that.

Kestrel put a finger in my face. "Someone is trying to get out of her chores."

"Chores are always there," I said. "Whereas the gorgeous, huge, hard cocks of my mates?" I considered. "Also always there." I made a face.

Paladin's voice wafted in. "Is there coffee?"

I turned to look as he came into the kitchen.

He saw us all and grinned a grin that I knew mirrored mine. "You guys look cozy."

Kestrel beckoned and Paladin came over to us, and then we were all snuggling into each other, running our hands over each other, kissing, too.

Until Kestrel clapped his hands over his head and said, "Those eggs won't gather themselves!"

So, then we did chores and made breakfast and drank coffee and all looked over the notes about running the entire region, which Paladin and I had made last night.

And that's when I just decided to go for it. We were all sitting on the couch, and I got down on the floor and crawled over to Kestrel and started nuzzling his crotch with my face.

He sputtered and stopped talking to look at me.

I said, "No, no, continue with your discussion."

He coughed and squared his shoulders and said, "Uh, well, I was going to say that I don't want to live in that fucking compound house."

I started rubbing him through his pants and reaching over to rub Lazarus, too, who was sitting next to him.

Paladin said, "We can stay here. No one says we have to move anywhere. Anyway, I think it'll be up to Clementine. Tithes own the houses now."

They tried valiantly to keep up the conversation for me, because I found it insanely hot, thinking that they were trying to discuss important things while I was touching them, but they got distracted really fast. I crawled around and sucked them as they sat on the couch and they looked down at me affectionately and whispered words of encouragement and praise to me.

Eventually, Lazarus pulled me up from the floor and started kissing me and that felt good, that he was accepting me, accepting this, that he was ready to be with me again.

I had him in my pussy.

Paladin lubed my ass and took me there.

And I sucked Kestrel.

They fought over playing with my clit while they all fucked me.

I came like seven times during the entire experience.

It was good.

And then it was still afternoon, and there were afternoon chores and dinner to be seen to, and everything seemed settled and peaceful and good.

At dinner, we talked about getting a bed for me, which we decided to do tomorrow. We had to go and see how things were going at the compound, anyway. For all we knew, everything had descended into chaos, and all our planning would have been for nothing. The situation could have radically changed.

We spent that night all together in the sun room, on the big bed together. There was more sex, all four of us, and then there was a little discussion in the darkness, all of us entangled, in each other's arms.

"It should never have happened," Kestrel said. "To you, I mean, Clementine."

I said, really loud, that I was done with everyone feeling guilty, really fucking done with it, that I needed to move on and I wished everyone would stop talking about it .

And they were all quiet and very still, and I could feel how tense their muscles had gotten.

"It's only, sweetheart," said Lazarus, "that's not how it works."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't get over a thing just because you want to, I mean," said Lazarus.

"To be really honest," said Kestrel, "you don't ever get over it."

Now, it was my turn to tense. What? Never? But I was fine. I was totally fine. The rape had been brief and I'd been dissociated whenever it happened and it hadn't been that big of a deal, and I sure as hell wasn't thinking about it whenever I had sex with my mates, at least until they brought it up, which they seemed to want to do constantly. I clenched my hands into fists. "Whatever," I said.

Kestrel kissed whatever part of me he could kiss, which happened to be my upper arm. "Sorry, baby girl," he said softly. "Regardless, what I was going to say is that it shouldn't have happened, but that, uh, it did. Everyone would have understood if you left, but I'm stupidly fucking grateful you stayed. You don't… have to, but I guess you know that. And if you ever do want to go—"

"Oh, my God!" I exploded, lifting my fists. "It's just, you guys, it's been so much worse for you. The things all of you have gone through are seriously nothing compared to whatever happened to me and—"

"It's not like that either," said Lazarus.

"I'm just saying, can we stop with all of that, please? As a favor to me."

They were quiet again.

I sighed heavily. "Let's just sleep."

"Well, um, there is just this other thing," said Kestrel. "But it's about Paladin. That okay, Clementine?"

Now, I felt stupid. I unclenched my fists and mumbled that I was sorry, and Paladin pulled me close and I put my face into his shoulder.

"I know," said Paladin. "I know I should have figured out a way to stop it."

"No, that's not what I was going to say," said Kestrel. "No, fuck no, Paladin, we'd all be dead if it weren't for you."

"Definitely don't take that on yourself," agreed Lazarus. "No, uh, Paladin, Kestrel and I were talking and we feel like… "

"We owe you an apology," said Kestrel.

"What?" Paladin was clearly shocked. "What are you talking about?"

"We used you," said Lazarus to Paladin. "Both of us, all the time, to various degrees, and you were… not in your right head."

Paladin made some noise in the back of his throat.

"I mean, we did it during sex, you and me," said Kestrel. "I facilitated you doing whatever weird psychological regression thing you were doing, I helped you do it, I made you—"

"You didn't make me," said Paladin in a tight voice.

"And I just went along with it," said Lazarus. "He told me you wanted to pretend it didn't happen, and I didn't speak up or say that maybe you needed to deal with it or—"

"Well, okay, because you were dealing with your shit so elegantly," said Paladin sarcastically.

"Exactly," said Lazarus. "I didn't feel like I had a leg to stand on."

"And now, what did happen?" said Paladin. "Because you're different, Lazarus."

"Kestrel has a magic penis," said Lazarus, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

Kestrel laughed.

And then Lazarus moved so that he could kiss Kestrel and I reached out to brush their bodies as they were touching each other and that felt wonderful, their connection, so wonderful.

"Oh," said Paladin in another voice. "Seriously?"

"I just… I don't know," muttered Kestrel. "Look, it's not really true, and it's weird and fucked up, and I know I don't heal anyone by making them give me a blow job, but—"

"It's not fucked up," countered Lazarus. "It was good for both of us."

"Heal someone with a blow job?" I said in a tiny voice.

They all let out versions of embarrassed laughs.

I struggled to sit up and look down at all of them. "I'm going to need someone to talk me through this, in detail, maybe with visual aids, and if someone else could be licking my clit while we were doing that, I think that would be great."

They snickered up at me.

"Okay, but the point is, Paladin, we did whatever we did," said Kestrel. "And I'm not saying… I'm not saying it wasn't the best way for all of us to cope at that point. I'm not saying I would do it differently, even, I just feel it needs to be acknowledged that it wasn't strictly the right thing to do. And that, Paladin, we don't want you to be…"

"We like you whole," said Lazarus. "We never wanted that version of you. Even if we took advantage of it."

"No, we did want that version of him," said Kestrel. "We were very fucking hot for that version of him."

"No, true," said Lazarus in a chagrined voice.

Paladin sat up next to me to look down at the two of them. "Thank you for that," he said in a low voice.

"For what? Because what I'm saying is—"

"For acknowledging, like you said," Paladin said. "I don't think we need to talk about this anymore either, though."

Kestrel groaned. "Fuck."

"No," said Paladin, reaching over to rub his arm reassuringly. "It's okay. I'm still working through it is all, though. We'll talk about it again, eventually, when I have more to say. I appreciate it, though, I really do."

Kestrel let out a very relieved breath.

Paladin lay back down.

I surveyed all of them and then I lay back down, too. "So," I said in a small voice, "are we good?"

"We're on the road to good," said Paladin.

"Maybe that's the best it gets, anyway," said Lazarus. "Whoever met anyone who solved all their problems?"