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clementine

BUT IT TURNED out there was no resistance when we came back to the compound.

Paladin whipped everyone into a big frenzy, telling them that we were all together now, and that we had the numbers and we had the power, and we all trooped back to the compound together, Paladin, me, Kestrel, and Lazarus on foot and leading the charge. People brought the cars back, but they drove slowly behind everyone who was walking. When we drove up the driveway to the compound, the horns were beeping and everyone was yelling, and then we got to the doors and no one tried to stop us.

We went inside and Paladin sent everyone off to take back their bedrooms, and they went.

My mates and I went into the kitchen, where Red, Griff, Madrigal, and Noah were all sitting at the kitchen table, drinking beer. Red's lower lip was bleeding and Griff looked like he was starting on a black eye.

I guessed maybe it had all descended into some kind of physical fight between the two of them after all, but they hadn't done a lot of damage, it didn't look like.

When we came in, Griff got up and got us all a beer. There weren't enough seats for all of us to sit down, though, so we all ended up on a screened-in porch that hung off the back of the house. It had obviously been built on to the house later. It didn't look good, but it was functional and large, and it had a fire pit in a corner that Red lit up. The heat began to fill the space immediately.

"Should have realized," Griff said as he settled down in a chair next to the fire pit, "that you were angling for it back then." He nodded at Paladin. "You were saying things when Madge and I came to your place. I should have seen it then."

Paladin was standing up near the doorway back inside the house. He shook his head. "This wasn't a plan. I would never have done a damned thing if he hadn't acted." He gestured with his beer at Red.

Red was seated in a chair with Noah perched on his knee, one arm looped around Noah's waist. He looked exhausted.

"Look, Red and me, it was about us," said Griff. "I mean, he brought the mates into it because he was trying to piss me off, but he didn't really think it through—"

"You know, this is exactly what I've been talking about," said Red quietly. "This is the way that you treat me."

Griff turned to look at him. "We just finished talking—"

"And now you're talking for me, and you're acting like you think that I'm an idiot ," said Red, his voice growing more and more heated. "This is what you've thought of me all along. Here, I thought we were friends, that we were brothers, but you have always just used me."

Griff sighed. "Are we seriously having this conversation again? "

"Apparently so," said Red. "I thought I punched you hard enough that you heard me before, but apparently not." He pushed Noah out of his lap and started to stand.

Paladin slid across the porch and intercepted him, hand on his chest. "Red," he said softly. "It's over."

Red gestured at Griff. "If he doesn't—"

"If you incite any more violence of any kind, I will have to end you," said Paladin.

Noah bared his teeth at Paladin. "You know, I don't like you."

Paladin rolled his head on his shoulders. "Nothing personal, Noah." He nodded at Red. "Red. You either. Nothing personal. Just. It's done. We're here to talk about what happens this evening, and that can go easy for you guys or it can go hard."

Noah snorted.

Paladin glanced at him and then back to Red. "Your mates aren't part of this. I won't punish your mates. They can choose whether they want to be near you if I decide to lock you up, though."

"Lock us up?" said Griff. "So, you are taking over, then, just like I was saying. You didn't plan it, so you say, but you're taking advantage."

Paladin sighed heavily. He looked back at me and he looked at Kestrel and he looked at Lazarus. "I don't know what I want. I don't think I can run this place, but I'm beginning to think…" He turned back to Red and Griff. "It'd be better to be me than either of you, that's what I'm starting to think. I might be good at it, even if I don't know if I'd like it."

Griff scoffed.

Red rolled his eyes. He sat down, shaking his head.

"I want to understand," I said. "And maybe Noah's owed that explanation, too, Red. Why is it that killing men, rounding up all of us mates, and having us raped by a room full of wolves, why was that about Griff exactly?"

Lazarus and Kestrel were immediately standing behind me.

When I said the word rape, Paladin's expression changed.

Red spread his hands. "You know, Griff said it was about him, not me."

"Okay," I said. "So, why'd you do it?"

"I want to know, too," said Lazarus. "You get it. You're mated. What reason could you possibly have to visit that on us?"

"On the mates themselves," I said.

"True," said Noah, folding his arms over his chest. "This isn't a crime against other wolves, baby, this is a crime against the victims ."

Red gazed at the floor. "Look, Griff made it into this thing. He took women away from the men here, and then he made these weird promises that they were all going to get mates someday, but that the way they were going to get them was to basically ruin everyone's fun. No more free-for-all with the tithes at the gathering. No more free-for-all with the pool of women at the compound. No more taking the women of men who were ranked lower than you. Just less sex in general, basically. And he wondered why they were pissed off. So, when I said we're getting rid of Griff, the first thing anyone said was, ‘We're taking back the women.' I couldn't have argued against that. They wouldn't have supported me otherwise. That was why they wanted to overthrow Griff."

"I mean, we knew this," said Paladin. "We all predicted this."

"But if that's not why you wanted to overthrow Griff," I said, "then why?"

Red let out a noise. He gestured with his hands. Nothing came out of his mouth.

"Because," said Paladin, "when Griff got a mate, it meant Griff was finally gone forever. I bet he stopped messing around with you, huh, Red?"

Red folded his arms over the back of his neck. "No, that's not what it was about."

"Shit," said Griff.

"You were in love with Griff," said Paladin.

"No," said Red in a pained voice.

"Shit," said Griff again. He got out of his chair and crossed the room to sit down next to Red. He touched the other man's knee.

Red yanked his knee away. "No," he said in a tight voice. "No, I didn't feel that way, and I never made you feel—"

"Red, for fuck's sake," said Griff.

Red sighed. "It's not like he's saying." He glared up at Paladin.

"I mean, I think it is," said Paladin. "Griff and Red were friends who fucked sometimes, and we all know how that is out here, how that starts as one thing, how you tell yourself it's just because it's convenient, just scratching an itch, and then you wonder, because it does create all these levels of intimacy. And especially in a place like this. If you two were the only real repeat sexual partners that you ever had and there was just a revolving door of women—"

"No, Red never was much interested in women," said Griff.

"Right," said Paladin. "So, Red has always been gay for you, and you always knew it, and you did just use him, because you never felt the same way. And the minute you got a mate, you cut him off and you expected him not to be heartbroken? Are you a fucking idiot?"

"I was not heartbroken," said Red. "Besides, I met Noah, and… I mean, there he was, and he was perfect."

Noah scratched the back of his head. "But I'm not… I mean, am I perfect?"

"Yes," said Red, pulling him back down onto his lap. "Yes." He buried his face in Noah's hair. "Yes, yes, yes."

Griff shook his head. "I didn't use him."

"Once I fell for Noah, once I wasn't blinded by whatever it was that I used to feel about you," said Red, "I started seeing exactly how this relationship between us worked. Exactly how much of it was me giving and you taking. How much of it was about your gratification—"

"I let you fuck me," said Griff. "So, how is that about my gratification?"

"Okay, yeah," said Red. "Your precious, unpollutable asshole is supposed to purchase my undying loyalty, my fists, my support in any one of your endeavors, everything. And you never let me forget it either, how grateful I was supposed to fucking be—"

"If you felt that way," said Griff, "why didn't you say anything?"

Red just shook his head.

"You didn't," said Griff. "You just attacked Madge." He pointed across the room at Madrigal, who was seated in a chair, looking bedraggled and tired. "And now, I guess I understand that was because you were jealous. "

Red looked up at him with a look of pure hatred.

"Okay," said Paladin, stepping between them. "Enough."

"So," I said softly, "this was all a lover's quarrel. That's why this happened to me?"

Griff looked at me and his face twisted. "I'm sorry. I never meant—"

"No," I said to him. I rounded on Red. " That's why you did this to me. To hurt him ." I pointed at Griff.

"No, to get free of him," said Red. "Yes, sorry, you were collateral damage. Price that had to be paid."

I threw my hands up in the air and laughed a high, bright, bitter laugh.

Lazarus spoke up from the depths of the porch. His voice was a growl. "Fuck you, Red."

"Red, if you actually wanted free of Griff, you would have killed him," I said. "You didn't."

"What do you want?" said Paladin. "You want me to kill Red? Say the word, Clementine."

That went through me like violence.

Noah jumped up off Red's lap, running for me. "Clementine, please, Clementine—"

"No," I said. "No, don't offer to kill people for me, if you don't mind."

"Noted," said Paladin.

I looked all around, looked at all of them. Fuck this. I stalked across the porch, threw open the door, and went in, shutting the sliding door behind me as hard as I could. I didn't have any more tears, but my heart was thumping out of my chest as I ran as fast as I could up the stairs towards that room that Noah had given me earlier in the day.

"Clementine!" It was Kestrel, coming after me.

I went faster.

I got inside the room and shut the door.

I locked it.

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