13

paladin

"HEY," I WHISPERED , sitting down next to her. Tentatively, I touched her shoulder.

She shrugged me off, hunching up, closing off from me.

I got that. I knew how it was not to want to be touched. "Um, this part of the yard, it's really visible from the road, and Kestrel said I should tell you that if they see you and they know you're out here—"

"Right," she muttered. "They're going to come and kill you guys and take me away to do whatever awful things they want to do to me. Which I'll probably even like, anyway, because it makes no sense that I'm out here saying I'm in love with you guys, anyway. None at all. I bet my stupid tithe senses will make me fall in love with those wolves, too. How's this mating stuff work, anyway? If it's like real wolves, I can leave you guys and find another mate if I really want to, you know."

"I thought you wanted to stay," I said.

She turned to look at me. "Is it wanting if you don't have any control over it? If it doesn't make any logical sense? If it's just some out-of-control sensation in your body that takes you over?"

I didn't know what to say to that.

She got up, brushing at the jogging pants I'd given her to wear. "Where should I pout so that I'm out of sight of anyone, Paladin?"

I got up, too. "You're not pouting," I said, sure that she wasn't.

"What am I doing then?" She started walking across the yard, back towards the porch.

"I don't totally know why you're upset," I said. "But I know that everything you've been through recently has been a lot, and that you're justified to feel however it is you are feeling. And if you do want to go home, I'll take you there. I'd do anything for you."

She gave me a small smile. "Why?"

"Because it's right," I said. "It feels right, for me to take care of you, protect you, keep you happy. Nothing's ever felt so right in my entire fucking life."

She sighed.

"But, the truth is, I don't want you to go," I said, hanging my head.

She sighed again.

Shit, shouldn't have said that.

She reached the porch, climbed onto it, and sat down on one of rocking chairs sitting there. "Too conspicuous here, you think?"

"I…" I shrugged. "I'll ask Kestrel." I started to go inside.

"What is it with you two?" she said, before I could open the door. "Why do you let him tell you what to do?"

I let go of the door and turned back to her. "He's the leader."

"You met him, and he said, ‘I want to order you around,' and you said—"

"Well, no," I said. "We were in a place together, where they made us do things for the entertainment of the other wolves. I was there before Kestrel, so I was used to it, but he was new, and it took people a while to get used to it. He got mad, though, and he let me come with him when he busted out of there. There were some… casualties in the escape." I looked away, not liking to think about that.

She looked at me with a shocked sort of look on her face. "What kind of things for entertainment? "

I laughed. "Fucking and fighting, the usual."

She furrowed her brow, thinking that over.

"When we got here, it was a lot the same, really," I said. "Lazarus was here with some other wolves, but he wasn't in charge. We liked him, and Kestrel didn't like the others. They tried to make us do things for them. Kestrel refused. It became a thing, like it does when you refuse."

"Refused to… like…" Her voice dropped. "Like, service them?"

I nodded. "Basically."

"But it can't be like that all the time out here," she said. "Not everyone is out here making everything into Rape, Incorporated."

"I mean…" I didn't know what to tell her.

"So, what? Kestrel stood up to them, too?"

I nodded. "Yeah. We fought. Lazarus helped us. It was worse here, honestly. There were more wolves on this farm at the time. We got rid of them, though." I didn't like talking about this. When I spoke about it, there was a feeling just at the edge of my consciousness that shied away from it. But the truth was, I didn't remember a lot about that fight. I'd blocked a lot of it out, I thought. Trauma, or whatever. "There are rules about doing that kind of thing out here. Sort of, I mean. There was a chance that we'd be forced out of the house or disciplined in some other way. Griff was just getting established as the leader at that point, though, and he sided with us. He said we'd won the place fair and square and we got to stay here."

"This is what you were saying about all-male social groups," she said quietly.

"It's got a historical precedent, definitely," I said. "You put men into situations like this and they tend to organize themselves into hierarchies according to strength or prowess. If there are other elements in play, like inherited wealth, that changes things, but it doesn't entirely. There's a thing that men always respect, and it's a stronger man. I think it's just… natural."

"And the rape stuff? "

"It's, you know, part of it," I said with a shrug. "People are always saying it, how rape isn't about sex, it's about power."

She nodded, blinking rapidly, thinking that through.

"I mean, they're only partly right," I said. "What they should say is that rape is only partly about sex. Because if it weren't about sex, then it wouldn't involve, you know, sex. That's like saying that eating pie isn't about taste or something."

"You're really smart, Paladin," she said.

That kind of offended me, that she hadn't noticed that before. I didn't know what to do with that, though, so I just didn't say anything.

"Sorry," she said. "You seem… young, sometimes is all, I guess."

"Yeah," I said, squaring my shoulders. "I guess…" I sat down opposite her, in another of the rocking chairs. "Like, I'm not ever going to be like Kestrel, or even Lazarus. They both have it, whatever it is, that thing that most men have, and I don't."

"What thing are you talking about?"

"The aggression thing, I guess." I scratched the back of my neck. "Like, I just don't even care about any of that shit, and it all seems so stupid and arbitrary. So, you know, I think what I do, and don't be offended when I say this, is that I tend to sort of embody a stereotypical feminine role and hope to be cherished or, uh, pitied, or what-have-you. It's strategic. Men like having a thing to protect, and I'm, you know, I can be that for them."

"You think I'm here to be pitied?" she said.

"No," I said. "I don't think women do it on purpose at all. I think they're annoyed by it more often than not. It diminishes them. Men can't help it. It's turned on in us because of nature or whatever. Which organism survives better? The one where the men have a vested interest in protecting their women and their young or the ones where they don't give a shit? Seems pretty obvious, right?"

The furrow in her brow deepened .

"The thing is, I think you did it to me," I muttered. "I think you turned it on."

"What?"

"The aggression thing," I said. "Protecting you does not seem stupid and arbitrary."

"Look, I want to protect you, too," she said to me. "And Kestrel and Lazarus. It's not some male thing, the desire to protect—"

"I know," I said, raising my hands. "I know, I didn't mean to offend you. I can see why I did. It's not… look, I'm living and breathing proof that nature doesn't exactly make carbon copies. There's a theme, and then all the organisms are variations on the theme. So, whatever you want to say about stereotypes according to gender, or whatever you want to say about biology, no one fits the biological mold perfectly, and even if you do, say what you like about biology, you can fight it. If you're hungry, you don't have to eat. If you feel like you need to go to the bathroom, you can hold it. You have choices—"

"Whatever," she muttered. "That's exactly what I don't have."

"Thinking like that is when you get in trouble, though," I said, reaching out to touch her again. "Like what you were saying about incels."

She tilted her head to one side. "What do you mean?"

"The analogy, it's spot on," I said. "Sure, here we are, the werewolves, demanding that women be given to us for sex because otherwise, we're a violent threat. It's exactly the same thing as those guys writing those nine-page manifestos about how men snap when they don't get laid and then opening fire on a grocery store and killing ten people or whatever. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's also, like, fact."

She got up from the rocking chair. "What do you—"

"Listen to me, you would not be here if you didn't see it, too," I said, getting up. "People need connection. I'm not saying men are owed pussy, or that women should be consigned to giving it to them—"

"Except we are. Except, here I am— "

"I know," I said. "I fucking know, believe me. But it's fact. When people—men or women—are denied meaningful connections with other people, when they don't have people to love, they do get violent. They get awful. And that's why everything is a hellscape out here."

She blinked at that, thinking it over. "Are you trying to convince me to stay by saying this?"

"No," I said. "No, that would be a shit reason for you to stay. You don't owe us anything, Clementine. I don't want you here out of obligation. Stay for love. You feel it. I know you do. If you feel it, stay because of that feeling." I stepped closer to her.

She tilted her head back, looking up into my eyes. "You going to kiss me?"

"Not if you don't want me to."

She closed the distance between us, capturing my lips with her own. I slid my hand into her hair, cupping the back of her skull.

We kissed and kissed.

When we broke the kiss, I thought I saw movement, out there, on the road, but I squinted and it was gone.

Well, anyway, it was probably only a matter of time until someone knew she was here. We couldn't hide her forever. Maybe making a stand sooner was better than later, in the end.

kestrel

I HADN'T SPOKEN to Griff in years, not up close. He was usually off in the distance, sending out his texts and emails or up on top of the roof at that compound of his, speaking into the tinny sound system that would get feedback and start screeching, making his announcements.

Back after we first took over this farm, Griff had come out here personally and told us he was going to let our claim stand. It was a big deal, because part of the reason that wolves submit to a big boss wolf is that he's supposed to provide protection .

You do what he says, and then—if someone comes and kills a bunch of wolves and takes over your house—the big boss wolf kicks them out and gives you back your house.

Admittedly, we hadn't left anyone alive to give the house back to…

But point being, from the perspective of others, we'd been in the wrong and Griff could have punished us. He could have killed us.

He didn't.

By all rights, we shouldn't have kept this place, but somehow, we did.

Anyway, it had been since that day, when Griff had come out here, that I'd seen him up close and personal or shook his hand.

I was not prepared when he showed up at our door the next day.

I was out repairing a fence in the chicken coop. It wasn't really possible to keep predators (foxes, coyotes, even stray dogs) from getting in and eating the chickens, truthfully, but I did like to try to make it more difficult for them to find ways in, so I was working on putting in new chicken wire.

Paladin found me, and he wasn't nervous, not like the last time when he'd come out to tell me that the guys were there. I remembered he'd barely been able to get words out, that he'd been shaking like a leaf.

He was still and solemn, nearly grim when he arrived. "It's Griff. I hid her under my bed. But I thought the other day that someone might have been out in the road, when she and I were talking on the porch."

I got to my feet. "I told you, didn't I? I said that she couldn't be out there, and you said you'd bring her in—"

"It's Griff," he said. "So, it's probably fine. He brought his mate along. I think we can cop to it with him, tell him what's happening. The danger here is not from Griff, not right now, it's down the line when someone overthrows Griff."

He was right. He was smart like this, though I hadn't seen him like this in a long time. Was he okay? I looked him over, concern all over my face .

He shied from that, and then he did start to tremble.

Shit. I took him by the shoulder and squeezed it. "Can you go make nice with them until I can get in there?"

"I'll do my best," he said. "Should I leave her hidden?"

I tried to make a decision, but I wasn't sure. Could he handle making the call? "What do you think?"

But he met my gaze, steady again. "I think bring her out and introduce her to them. I think we need to find out which wolves have mates, because when Griff is challenged, that's who will be ready and willing to defend him. If Griff's smart, he'll be amassing allies now."

"That could be why he's here," I said softly. "Yeah, okay, bring Clementine out there, then."

clementine

MY HEART WAS pounding as Paladin led me out the following afternoon. I hadn't expected this to be so soon. Paladin was trying to explain to me that everything was probably going to be okay, but I didn't know if he was right.

It seemed to me as if the first domino in a long row had toppled, and now I was on the way to some sort of grim doom.

But then I met Madrigal.

She had short-cropped black hair and olive-colored skin. She was lovely, with this sort of inner glow to her. I didn't know if I'd ever met someone who seemed so happy. She shook my hand and wouldn't stop grinning. "It's working, Griff. You can see that it's working. And so fast, too."

Griff shook my hand, too, grinning at me as well. "Congratulations. Are you mated to Paladin?"

"All of them," I said.

Griff turned to Madrigal. "That's a first, hmm?"

"All of them?" She laughed. "Is that really the case, though, or—"

"Yes," I said. "It's definitely all of them, trust me." The funny thing was, I'd never questioned that, though I knew that the idea of mating to more than one wolf was both rare and controversial. Obviously, since there were so many wolves out here, there was pressure on wolves to share their mates, and sometimes women apparently were coerced into claiming more than one man out of fear. This was nothing like that, though.

"Well, we'll see," she said. "Maybe if there were more tithes out here, and everyone had their own mate, you could—"

"No," said Kestrel, coming into the kitchen. "I don't think it's like that with us." He came and put a hand on my shoulder.

"You were already so very egalitarian out here, if I remember correctly," said Griff, shaking Kestrel's hand. "Not a lot of packs quite like this. Maybe that's why."

Paladin set down glasses of dried berry iced tea in front of them. The berry bushes were on the outskirts of the farm. He'd shown me where they gathered them in the summer.

"Maybe I could talk to her," said Madrigal. "Just us girls."

"Sure," said Kestrel. "If you want to, Clementine."

"Okay," I said.

Madrigal brought her glass of tea, and we went out onto the front porch together. I noticed her setting her hand on her belly in such a way—there was only barely a little bit of roundedness there. She didn't look pregnant. But I knew she was. I didn't say anything, though. It seemed rude. She smiled at me. "So, how are you really?"

"Um…?" I raised my eyebrows. What kind of question was that?

"I ran from Griff five times, you know," she said. "The first time I was out here, I wasn't only with him. It was him and only God knows how many other wolves. He had me to himself at the end of it, though. He even ended up knotting me, but in the morning light, he was cruel to me. He told me to never to come near him again, to keep my distance at the full moons. Only. We couldn't."

"Keep your distance, you mean?"

She nodded. "He came across the wall for me once, and we went walking on the streets of the city, and we talked and talked, and I thought he was the worst man I'd ever heart of. He terrified me. He was violent and he had no moral compass. He said these things about women that made me horrified. I ran. Right in the middle of it, just ran off. I thought about reporting him to the police, and I can't say why I didn't. One time, after a full moon, I stayed, and he showed me around his compound, told me that if I stayed, I'd be with the other women there, who were all the combined property of every single wolf in the place. I ran. Another time, he tore some other wolf off me during a gathering, and I watched him break the other wolf's leg, and then he just went at me, so brutal, and the next morning… I ran."

"Why'd you stop running?" I said softly.

"He changed," she said.

I raised my eyebrows. "Did he?"

"Maybe I changed, too," she said. "Or maybe, in the end, I didn't have a choice. But then, neither did he. He knew it, from the first time he scented me, and I think he was terrified. He didn't want to change. But then maybe I didn't either. Now, though, we have something that's undeniable, and we want other wolves and tithes to have it, too."

I nodded. "I think I know what you mean."

"Which of them are you really mated to?" she said.

"No, I swear, it's not like that," I said. "It really is all three of them. It's been all three of them. I couldn't choose."

She licked her lips. "It's Paladin, isn't it?"

"No, I swear—"

"And he's always been willing to play the other wolves, I think, so he told you that it's safer if you pretend to be mated to the others, and he's not wrong. He probably thinks he can handle sharing you, but—"

"I can see why you'd say that," I said. "You seem to understand Paladin pretty well. But I swear, it's really all three of them. It can happen like that."

"I don't know that it can," she said. "How does that make any sense? There are no wild animal wolf packs with three alpha wolves to one woman. "

"Maybe not," I said. "But I'm sure of it. You know how you just knew with Griff? It's like that. I've never even considered it being one of them. They've never considered it either. When you brought it up, it was honestly the first time I considered I probably should have only mated to one of them. But I didn't. All three, and I feel like the way we all know it is what confirms it."

She drew back, thinking that over. "Well… if you don't mind. And they don't mind. And they don't start fighting each other over you."

"Not so far," I said. "But last night, they all left me alone, so I don't even know what's going on." Last night, I'd slept out in the sun room, all alone. Paladin probably would have let me sleep with him, if I'd begged, but he said it was probably a better idea if I didn't. The others seemed shut down to me entirely.

"Look, if something needs to be done, if Griff needs to step in, you can come to me," she said.

I couldn't see how that would solve anything.

She must have seen that on my face or something. "We can make a wolf leave you alone. Griff is committed to supporting mating bonds, and there's strain put on them when the mates can't be monogamous to each other."

Was that true? "I don't want any of them to leave me alone," I said. "Promise you wouldn't force them to leave." I definitely didn't want to be here just with Paladin.

The truth was, I'd seen another side to Paladin the night before. He'd seemed only sweet and innocent before, and I'd made assumptions about him, that he was inexperienced and guileless. But I realized that he was canny and maybe even a little manipulative. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Maybe that was why I hadn't begged to sleep in the bed with him.

I did feel love for these men. Against all reason or sense, I did.

But what we did not have was trust. Not yet. That would have to be built over time, I thought.

She nodded at me again. "Okay, that reassures me." She reached out and took my hand, just briefly, and squeezed it. Then she let go. "You don't know what it was like before, when I got here. It's barely been two months of my being here full time, and I've done my best to undo as much of the awful oppression that I saw before, and Griff is on my side, but the other wolves, they don't like it. They put pressure on women to say things, and they threaten all sorts of things. I believe you, though. And Griff said these guys were different."

"Different how?" I said.

"Well, there are other packs like this," she said. "Packs that are equal packs, where wolves are allowed to make their own decisions. But they aren't the norm. The norm is that one wolf rules the whole thing and he has a best friend or right hand who tends to be his enforcer, and the other two or three wolves beneath them are basically doing grunt work. They treat them horribly."

"But why would they agree to that?"

"For protection," she said. "This is the devil they know, and there are a lot of other devils out there." She shrugged. "And I'm mated to one, right?"

"So, that's what Griff is, a reformed devil?"

She considered. "He's reformed to a point. He worries that if he goes too soft, there will be a revolt. He has his own enforcer, and they're not getting along right now, which is a problem."

"Red," I said. "I heard of him."

She tilted her head to one side. "He's the worst man I've ever met."

I didn't know if I should share the pack's concern that Griff wouldn't be able to hold onto his position as leader, that they were worried about themselves and me if that happened. I thought she would tell Griff, and I didn't know if Griff should know that he didn't have their confidence. So, instead, I said, "Could he be right? Could there be a revolt?"

"If there's a revolt," she said, "I won't survive it."

"Griff won't survive it," I countered. I didn't voice aloud the fact that they wouldn't kill women, because they wanted to use us.

She grimaced. "This isn't why I came to talk to you. Griff is strong and he's capable. It's going to be fine."

Right.