11

lazarus

WAKING UP AFTER a shift often felt like waking up after a bad night of drinking. You could remember the things that happened, but they often felt fuzzy or strange, or like the person who did them was you, but somehow not you. You would remember things you did with a horrific, I-did- not feeling.

This morning, waking up out here in the sun room, with all three of them, it was a particularly strange morning.

If they'd all been asleep, I would have gotten up and gone off on my own, but she was awake.

She was sitting up and stretching, and her breasts were the most perfect breasts in the history of all existence, and I stared at the way they changed shape as she stretched, mesmerized, and I was hard.

It was morning, so I might have just been hard because of that.

"Hey," she said with a little grin.

"Hey," I said, my gaze popping back down to look at her breasts again.

She giggled.

"Uh…" I shook my head at her. "You should not be here."

"Oh, if we're going to do that, can there be coffee?" She furrowed her brow. "There is coffee out here, right? "

"Rations," I said. "Sometimes there's a shipment that gets smuggled up here by werewolves who travel down south out of the country. We do okay on coffee."

"Right, well, first coffee, then berate me."

I sighed. "I wasn't going to berate you."

She scampered up and out of the pile of cushions and pillows we'd been lying on.

I took in her body as she walked past me, her small waist and swelling, round hips. I liked that there was some heft to her thighs, liked it a lot. God, she was beautiful.

She walked out of the room.

I got up and followed her.

"So, kitchen is this way?" she said.

I pressed her back into the wall of the hallway, pressed my hard cock into her bare skin, traced my fingers over her bare shoulder.

She looked up at me, lips parted, sighing. "Hi, Lazarus." She held those lips up for a kiss.

I kissed them.

She wriggled into me. "Mmm."

"Fuck, I want you," I managed. It was stupid and embarrassing that I was so out of control about this woman.

She reached between us to touch my dick. "This was in my butthole, right, so…?"

"I'll wash it, and then I want your pussy," I said. "And then coffee."

She giggled. "I could get used to waking up here, I think."

I groaned.

I pulled her into the bathroom, and I washed my dick in the sink, with soap, all over—well, I started doing the washing, but she seemed to get really distracted by the sight of my cock, and she started reaching in and helping me soap everything, saying that she'd been picturing my dick when she needed to get off sometimes and it always made her instantly orgasmic.

"It's funny how your cock looks the same but different in wolf form," she said, helping to rinse me.

"Does it?" I gasped .

"You haven't noticed?"

I lifted her up to sit on the lip of the sink and she spread her legs obligingly for me. I began to toy with her clit as she ran her hands over my cock, which was wet from being rinsed. "I guess," I said, rubbing the sweet little slippery nub of her, "that I don't have the capacity to think about the difference in wolf form."

"Really? You have diminished thought capacity?" Her voice was breathy from the way I was playing with her.

"Obviously," I said.

"But I've heard interviews with werewolves who claim they can make decisions and keep control of themselves," she said.

I rubbed her. "Yeah, you can, but it's less."

"Huh," she gasped, throwing back her head, her hand falling away from touching me. She was distracted by what I was doing to her.

Ooh, she was liking that, was she? I had an urge to intensify the movement, speed it up or put more pressure, but I knew better than that, and I kept my motions on her sweet little slick clit exactly the same. "There we go," I murmured to her. "You just sit here and let me play with you. That's a good girl."

She smiled, and when she smiled, it was like her whole face lit up.

"You like that?"

"Uh huh," she whispered, smiling, eyes shut, legs splayed and wide, showing me all her secret places.

Mine, I thought, and I hadn't felt like a woman was mine in…

It had been a long time, long before I was a wolf.

And I recoiled from it, pain welling up in me. I wanted to stop, but she was almost there, and it would have been shitty of me to do that to her. I lost my erection, though.

She came, making tiny little soft noises that were adorable as hell, her nipples tightening to hard little points on those perfect breasts of hers. She pulled me down to kiss her in the wake of it, and I obliged her. She put her hand on my cock, found it wasn't hard, and her eyes burst open in surprise.

"I…" How to explain it? I started thinking about how I killed my last girlfriend and it kind of turned me off.

"It's okay," she said, giving me a little squeeze.

And just like that, boom. I was all ready for her again.

"Ooh, there we are," she said, stroking me. "Can I put it in me now?"

"You want it?" I pushed her hair away from her face.

"Oh, yes, please," she said, tugging on me, trying to get my cock into her wet little pussy.

I helped her out. Oh, fuck, she felt good. I sighed into her eyebrow. "Shit, Clementine, that's nice."

She wrapped her thick thighs around my hips and latched herself onto me. "Fuck me, please, Lazarus," she groaned throatily.

"Whatever you want, sweet thing," I said and fucked her. I pounded into her as she perched on the sink, and then she tightened her legs around me, and I put both hands under her butt, picked her up, and held her there as I thrust into her. She didn't weigh very much at all, and she felt like a little bit of warm, wet, tight heaven. "Take my come inside you?" I gasped.

"Yes," she said. "Yes, please."

I don't know why I asked, because we were coming inside her, knotting ourselves in her, while we were in wolf form, and there was definitely no real consideration being taken not to knock her up. So, it didn't matter, not really. I could have just told her she was taking my come, and I knew she would have agreed with me.

I slammed home and let go, filling that tight little hole of hers full of me.

And—I felt my knot start to try to swell.

What the fuck?

I pulled out immediately, pushing her back to sit on the sink, examining my dick.

"Ooh," she said. "You get knots when you're not in wolf form?"

I mean, I'd heard it could happen, but it usually didn't. There it was, though. Maybe because she was a girl or a tithe or my mate or… shit .

I backed away, running a hand through my hair. "What the fuck am I even doing to you?"

She hopped off the sink. "Okay, coffee now, Lazarus. Then we do the heavy talk. You got some post-nut clarity, there, right?"

I sighed.

I found us some robes to wear as we watched the coffee percolate. I wondered what she thought of our kitchen, which was a functional but old-school farmhouse kitchen. It didn't have the kind of fancy sorts of modern-looking accents or appliances that she might be used to, but it was wide open, with a lot of counter space, windows that let in the morning sunlight, and I thought it was a nice kitchen, all things considered.

"This isn't going to be easy for any of us," she was saying. "I get that. I realize that adding me into your life creates a responsibility for all of you, and that I put you in danger in certain ways. If you didn't have a mate, you wouldn't need to protect a mate, right?"

I just sighed again.

"So, I'm sorry," she said. "But I think you will protect me. You protected me last night. And I'm not saying that being out here with you guys is better than the other way, I'm just saying, like, both ways are bad, and this way, at least there's a lot of really hot sex."

I couldn't help but laugh.

She laughed too.

"That is a good point," I said. "It was bad last night, staying here, knowing you were out there at the gathering. I kept thinking about you and other wolves. It felt wrong in some way, really wrong. We were all suffering. Letting you go, it was the right thing to do, I thought, but it was painful."

"Yeah," she said. "Yeah, it's easy to say that there are all these terrible consequences to my being here, and maybe there are. But there are consequences to my being out there, moment-by-moment consequences that are excruciating for all of us. We belong together, so… let's figure it out."

"What about you?" I said. "What about everything you're giving up?"

"I'm going to figure out some way to get my degree out here," she said. "I'll find a way to sit for the bar. I'll get my law degree, and I think that you guys could probably use a lawyer out here."

I blinked at that.

"You don't think so?" she said. "Because I think that maybe we could put together some kind of class action thing with a bunch of werewolves and sue the damned government."

I shook my head slowly. "You're, uh, wow."

She grinned. "Right, so protect me? Because I can be useful to you beyond just as a fuckthing slut."

"Hey, Kestrel, he knows everything about how to talk to women from watching porn," I said. "And from being at gatherings. So, if he offended you, please—"

"It turned me on," she said with a shrug. "Turned me way on when he said he'd die for me."

"He would," I said. "I would, too." I felt the heavy truth of that inside me, and it was frightening. I didn't think love was supposed to be like this, something that switched on instead of came over a person gradually. Maybe it was a werewolf thing. I tilted my head at her. "Why? Why would you give everything up to be here with us?"

"Same reason you'd die for me, I guess," she said with a shrug. "Doesn't feel like I have a choice about that."

I shook my head slowly. That felt true to me, too, the lack of choice. So many things in my life, ever since the Change, so many things had been like that. Choices ripped away from me, my freedom gone.

"I don't think it's all that different than most people think. It's like with family," she said. "You protect your children, your parents, your siblings… why? You just do."

"Not always," I said. "You have a choice."

"Well, it's not as if we don't have any choice," she said. "I could leave right now. I did decide to come here, after all. But if I choose that, I think it might kill me."

I drew back.

"Not literally," she said. "Kill something inside me, some spark or something? I don't know if I'd ever recover. I met this guy at the bar the other night, and he told me his ex-wife was a tithe. I think, when she wasn't a tithe anymore, she stopped going to the gatherings, but some part of her had been left out here, on the other side of the walls. I don't think she'll ever get that part of herself back. And I don't want that to be me."

The coffee was done.

I poured her cup first. There was fresh cream in the refrigerator. We had a cow. One, which was enough, really. If you ended up with too many cows out here, it ended up being a headache, because the government would start forcing you to sell milk to various private companies and stuff.

It was a whole big issue, what with most of the farmland in the country being in werewolf territories. Some of it had been preserved and walled off, but feeding the people in the cities was a priority, and werewolves weren't allowed to refuse to do it if the government asked. It was best to not do too well at anything out here. If you excelled, someone noticed you, and you were essentially punished for excelling.

I got her some of that and then I went looking for the sugar. We did get a sugar ration, but none of us liked sugar in our coffee.

She looked at my cup as I searched through the cabinets. "You drink it black?"

"Yeah," I said.

She laughed. "Right. Too tough for anything else."

"That's not why," I said. "I know the sugar is up here somewhere."

"It's okay," she said. "I don't need sugar."

"Yes," I said, "you do." I found it, triumphant. I handed the bag of it over, grinning affectionately down at her. "You need all the sweet things, Clementine. You definitely do."

She blushed, ducking down her head. "I don't mean to make you fuss over me."

"Yeah, well, get used to it." I set the sugar down.

She stirred sugar into her coffee.

"That enough?" I said. "Just one teaspoon?"

She giggled. "Yes. Geez. You want to fatten me up?"

"Will it all go to your thighs and tits like it does now?" I said huskily.

She looked up at me, biting down on her lower lip. "You like my thighs?"

"Fuck yes."

She stirred her coffee, just gazing at me. "Well… well, that's a first." She closed up the bag and handed it over.

"You have some other jackass man in your past who didn't like the way you look?" I practically growled it.

"I mean, no, I've never really had a boyfriend or anything," she said. "There were some comments sometimes, from not-so-nice people in my high school and shit."

High school. Because she was, like, nineteen or something, right? "I think I'm too old for you."

She lifted a shoulder in the robe I'd gotten for her. It was way too big. I realized she didn't have any clothes in this house. Would that mean she had to stay naked constantly? I wouldn't mind, if so. She grinned. "How old are you?"

"Thirty-two," I said.

"So, you're twelve years older than me," she said. "It's not that bad."

"There are lots of things about it that are not remotely bad," I said. Twenty sounded better, though. Twenty didn't freak me out. Nineteen meant she was a teenager, but twenty…

I was splitting hairs, though, right? It was a year .

"So, you've come out here to be my child bride," I said with a grin. "Live on this farm, never wear clothes, and take my come in all your holes whenever I get a hard-on. Yeah?"

She giggled, clutching the coffee cup and peering over it at me. "Is that how it's going to go, Lazarus? We're getting married?"

"I mean, mate, bride, same thing, right?" I pressed in close and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, this is a very bad idea, but I'm not exactly sad about it."

She laughed again. I liked the sound of her laugh.

I took the coffee cup from her very deliberately, set it down on the counter, and parted her robe to reach in and fondle the sweetness of her soft curves. She sighed and shut her eyes and arched into my caresses.

"You have a hard-on for me now?" she breathed in a sultry little voice.

"I mean, I do now that you just said that," I choked. I seized her hand and pulled it into my robe so that she could feel it.

She moaned, rubbing me. "What do you want me to do with that? Suck it? Or you want to fuck me on this counter?"

Shit, decisions, decisions.

Except someone cleared his throat from the doorway of the kitchen, and I turned to see that Kestrel was there.

She let go of my cock and turned to look at him. "Kestrel!" She was happy to see him. She patted my chest, going up on tiptoe to kiss my chin, and then she went over to him.

He was wearing a pair of jeans with no shirt. She molded herself around him, laying her head on his shoulder, kissing his collarbone.

"Good morning," she said softly.

He was startled, but he put his arm around her like it belonged there, and I surveyed the two of them, the way they fit together.

Huh.

Sharing her. I'd never shared a woman, and they'd never had a woman. Could we do this at all? I wasn't jealous, which was the really odd thing. I looked at them together, and I felt happy and settled.

Huh.

"Coffee?" I said to him .

"Ooh, my coffee!" She scampered away from him, extricating herself, and swept her cup off from the counter. "I can't believe you distracted me from my coffee, Lazarus. We have to have a rule about how coffee time is sacred time, and to keep your delicious hard cocks away while I am caffeinating. Everyone needs me time."

I laughed. Man, I liked her. She was cute, and she was funny, and she had such a nice, fuckable little body, and she was mine.

Ours.

Wow.

Ours .

My chest felt strangely tight.

Kestrel got himself some coffee.

Clementine went across the room to where the kitchen table was. She sat down there, yawning, and surveyed us both.

I sat down at the table with her. "Paladin still asleep?"

"You seem to have no capacity to stop yourself from fucking her," said Kestrel to me. "I mean, last time she was here, you said you were going to tell her to get dressed, and you came back with her pussy juices smeared all over your pants, and—"

"Wait a second, who fucking jammed his cock in her out on the road last night?" I said.

Kestrel sighed. He came over to the table and sat down. He took his coffee black as well. "Well, it was a full moon. Come on, man. I wasn't in any position to stop myself." He looked at Clementine. "You missed the gate, you know that?"

"I live here now," said Clementine, drinking her coffee.

I snorted.

Kestrel sat back in his chair and shook his head. "You're okay with this?"

"Go sit on his lap," I said to Clementine. "See how much he fights with your pretty round ass pressed into his crotch."

Clementine started to get up.

Kestrel raised a hand. "Sit down. "

She sat down, looking hurt.

He noticed. "Hey, not that I don't want you to sit in my lap. But you can't live here."

"She's our mate, Kestrel," I said softly. "So, yes, she can."

"What changed your mind about this?" said Kestrel.

"Uh, she told me some things. Tell him, what you said, about how you can't resist us?"

"It's undeniable," she said to Kestrel. "But I know it creates hardship for all of us. It's very inconvenient to my life and to yours. And maybe you guys have to hide me from that Griff person, I don't know. I am sorry about that. But I still think it's better to be here with you. I belong here."

Kestrel sipped his coffee, grimacing.

"Go sit in his lap," I said again.

She didn't move this time. She just surveyed him.

He shook his head.

"Whoa, you found the sugar!" came a voice.

I looked up to see Paladin sauntering into the kitchen, wearing only a pair of boxers. He scratched at his chest hair as he poured himself some coffee and heaped three teaspoons of sugar inside. He put in cream too. He came over to the table and sat down right next to Clementine.

She grinned at him. "Morning."

"Morning," said Paladin. "You're beautiful."

Her grin got impossibly wide, and I couldn't help but agree.

"You're so beautiful," I said.

"What the fuck?" said Kestrel, annoyed.

"Go sit in his lap," I said for the third time.

"No," said Kestrel.

She winced.

"Fuck," said Kestrel. He pointed at me. "You wanted me to lead this pack, didn't you?"

"There a reason you're asking me this?" I said. "You know that I did."

"Because you don't trust yourself," said Kestrel to me, pointedly.

I sighed heavily. "I'm just saying— "

"You're so guilty about what happened to Marissa."

"Marina," I corrected, nostrils flaring.

"So, what do you think happens to Clementine?" said Kestrel, gesturing to her. "At least it was quick for Marina. Just you, just your cock, just your claws, your teeth. Think how long Clementine will be forced to service all of Griff's men while we are all dead ."

Oh, man, that was hitting below the belt. I only stared at him, not saying a fucking word. If I spoke, I'd say something I regretted, maybe about that girl he'd told me about, the one he sneaked over the wall to spy on that one time, the one who he watched get fucked by her boyfriend through her window while he jerked off. The one who didn't even know his name, who had never known his name. I knew how to hurt him, too, if it came down to it. I just wasn't going to do it.

"You know this about him?" continued Kestrel, only now he was talking to Clementine. "You know that Lazarus killed his pregnant girlfriend during his first shift?"

I shut my eyes, bowing my head.

Clementine's hand shot out and took mine. "I'm so sorry," she breathed. "My mother got killed that night, too."

I pulled my hand out of hers, horrified. "How can you be here with us?"

"I don't know," she said, looking around the table. "But I know you'll never hurt me."

"We've already hurt you," said Kestrel. "I watched the wounds heal up while I was thrusting into you."

"You know what I mean," she said.

"I know that I'm the leader," he said, touching his chest. "I make the decisions. And Daddy says, ‘No, sorry, boys, we cannot have a mate.'" He got up from the table, shaking his head. He gulped down the rest of his coffee and set the mug down. "Get her out of here, okay?" Then he stalked out of the room.