26

26

Early the next morning, Fen packed a few things in his backpack and left before Ripley woke. He couldn't face having to lie about where he was going and he didn't want Ripley to lie to him. Ripley hadn't packed a bag to go to his mother's, and didn't have presents to take, as far as Fen knew. Fen was almost positive he was going to stay in the house and quietly mourn Alejandro.

He got it. He really did. So he thought it would be better to slip away and when he came back on Boxing Day, everything would be okay again. Well, as okay as it could be. He left a note in the kitchen saying see you Wednesday xx and silenced his phone.On the spur of the moment, he decided to detour via Brompton cemetery, assuming he could find Alejandro's grave. He googled as he waited for a bus, found a burial plot locator for Brompton and moments later, uncovered the area and row number for the grave. That was easy.

At the entrance to the cemetery, he bought a little bunch of flowers from a mobile vendor. There was a plan of the layout on display and Alejandro's plot was way over on the far side. Fen was aching before he'd got there. It was still early and there was no one around, which was good. He didn't want to risk bumping into any of Alejandro's family, or even worse, Ripley.

The cemetery was very quiet, the only sound came from distant traffic and birdsong. Fen glanced at the graves as he walked. Sad angels with folded wings, elaborate mausoleums, ivy-covered crosses, sculptured lions and simple stone slabs, most of the inscriptions very worn. Fen didn't want to be buried. Nor did he want his name engraved on anything. He'd like his ashes thrown to the wind from the top of a cliff. But not yet, please.

Alejandro's grave was simple. A rectangular black granite headstone engraved with his name, year of birth and year of death. A son loved and missed always. Forever in our hearts. Fen put the flowers at the bottom edge of the plot and checked he was unobserved before he spoke.

"Hello, Alejandro. You don't know me. My name's Fen Wood. I'm sorry life got too much for you. I'd never judge anyone for deciding to end things. I might decide that too if my life gets too difficult. One day I'll need braces to walk, then a wheelchair and my lungs will stop working properly and my heart will fail. I don't want to be dependent on people for… Sorry, this wasn't supposed to be about me."

He glanced around again. "I came because I wanted you to know Ripley is still sad about you. He blames himself for what happened. He thinks he should have realised how far you'd fallen, but I know it's easy to hide stuff if you're determined enough."

Fen kept his fear bottled up. Thinking about what was to come wasn't good for him or his mum.

"He's only just found your note. I managed to get into the box for him. Maybe you thought he'd break it open if he didn't solve the puzzle or maybe you didn't want him to see the note straightaway. Only you know the answer. I'm not sure if what you said in the note made him feel any better. It should have done. That's what you intended, but I guess it will take time. At least this year he put up a Christmas tree."

It showed Ripley was starting to get over Alejandro's death, didn't it?

"You'll be forever in his heart, as you are in your family's. That will never change, but it's kind of sad Ripley thinks more about you when it's Christmas, which should be a happy time. Anyway, I wanted to tell you I'm trying to make him happy because I know that's what you'd want for someone you loved."

For someone you love. Fen's eyes filled with tears. Love. That couldn't happen. He couldn't let it happen. Not just because he didn't want his heart broken, but because he didn't want to be a damaged bird in Ripley's life. If Ripley fell in love with him, Fen would have to leave and go somewhere he couldn't be found. It wouldn't be fair to stay. He didn't want Ripley to have to look after him when he couldn't walk, couldn't even get to the bathroom or…

No! Where had those thoughts come from?Fen brushed the tears from his face and set off back the way he'd come. He averted his head when a guy passed him and ignored the "Morning" thrown his way. He hoped it didn't look as if he'd been crying.

He'd gone another fifty metres when he heard someone shout, "Hey! You! Wait!"

Fen glanced round to see the man he'd passed was hurrying towards him. He was tall, his short hair peppered with grey. Maybe in his late forties. Fen wasn't sure what help he could be. He didn't know this place.

The man came to a halt in front of him. "Did you leave the flowers?"

Oh shit. Fen struggled over what to say. He looked angry and Fen didn't want to get thumped.

"It has to be you. Fresh flowers. First thing in the morning. No one else around. Who are you? How did you know my brother? Did you work for him? Were you sleeping with him?"

Fen reeled under the barrage of questions. "I never met him."

"Then why leave flowers on his grave? It was you, wasn't it?"

The man looked more puzzled than angry now, but Fen didn't know how to explain without involving Ripley.

"Ripley," the man snapped. "Did he ask you to do this?"

Fen gasped. No chance now of claiming he'd chosen a grave at random to leave flowers because his father had been…lost at sea? Fen's face had given him away.

"I found a letter from Alejandro in a puzzle box of Ripley's that was accidentally sent to auction."

"A suicide note?"

Fen nodded. "Do you think we could sit down?" He didn't wait for an agreement but made for a nearby bench.

The guy sat next to him. "I'm Mateo."

"Fen. You're Alejandro's brother."

"Yes. What did the letter say?"

"Alejandro saying he was sorry, asking Ripley to forgive him. He said he loved him, but hated himself more."

Mateo groaned.

"He said it wasn't Ripley's fault. He felt he'd let everyone down, especially Ripley and the weight of that got too much. There was something about knowing it would take Ripley a while to find the letter but wanting him to move on, to…find someone who wouldn't let him down. I remember the last words. Just know I loved you from the moment we met until the moment I died. And I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

Mateo shuddered and tipped his head back. "We thought he hadn't left Ripley a note because they'd fallen out, that Ripley had known how bad things were and lied to us."

"He didn't know. I suspect he'll always feel guilty about that. He knows you blame him."

"We did. But we failed Alejandro too. My brother was too proud to admit the mess he'd got into. We weren't listening to what he didn't say. We have to live with that."

"But like Ripley, you have to let it go. There's no point trying to see where things went wrong, what you missed. What does it matter now? It happened and you can't make it unhappen. Life's too short to stay sad. You'll always miss him, as Ripley will, but this life is all we get. Everyone deserves to be happy."

Mateo gave him a curious look. "You seem young for a grief counsellor."

"I've not even had anyone I know die. But I do know what it's like to be hurt. Strangely enough, my job is mending things that are broken. Well, trying to."

"Things?"

"Furniture, picture frames…"

"And Ripley. How is he?"

"Still broken." Fen shrugged. "Mending some things takes a long time. But maybe he's getting better. He put up a Christmas tree. He wasn't going to but he changed his mind."

"Does he know you've come here?"

"No. I just wanted to have a word with your brother. To tell him I'm trying to make Ripley happy."

Mateo's cheek twitched. "I hope Alejandro heard you. Ripley's lucky." He shook Fen's hand and headed back towards his brother's grave.

When Ripley woke and found himself alone in the bed, he instinctively knew Fen wasn't in the house, though he still went to check. He read the note, screwed it into a ball and threw it at the wall. It served him right. He'd set this in motion, though he wished Fen had let him drive him to his mother's. But what was done, was done. Ripley slumped on the couch feeling sorry for himself. He'd anticipated two days of misery but not that they'd be sparked by Fen's absence.

His phone rang mid-morning with an unknown number.

"Yes?"

"Is that Ripley?" a woman asked.

"Yes."

"Is Fen there? I'm his mum. I wanted a quick word before we board and he's not answering his phone."

Ripley's heart did some complicated manoeuvres in his chest. "Board?"

"We're off to Italy. Didn't Fen tell you?"

"No. He didn't. He told me he was going to your place for Christmas."

"Why would he say that?"

"Because I told him I was going to my mother's."

"Then where is he? Alistair! Fen's missing. We can't go."

Ripley clutched his phone tightly as he tried to listen in to their conversation. Fen's mum was panicking and Alistair was trying to reassure her and it was all Ripley's fault.

"Mr Belmont? It's Alistair Winn. I wonder if you could do me a favour? Fen doesn't have a key to my place but his mother's sure he still has a key to her old one. Fen knows the landlord was keeping it empty until after Christmas. If I text you the address, could you go and see if he's there?"

Fen could be anywhere. A hotel. Friends. Why would he go to an empty flat? But… "Yes, of course. Catch your flight. I'll text as soon as I've found him."

"Ask him if they quarrelled," he heard Fen's mum say.

"We haven't quarrelled. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. I will find him."

"We don't know you," she spoke into the phone.

"You don't. Alistair does. I care a great deal for Fen and I promise I'll sort this out. Please try not to worry. I'll go over there right now."

"Thank you."

No sooner had that call ended, than another one came through, but this time Ripley knew who it was.

"Mateo," he said quietly.

"Hello, Ripley. I wanted to tell you I met a friend of yours this morning. A young man called Fen. He'd put flowers on Alejandro's grave."

"Is he still there?"

"No."

"Within sight?"

"No. He's long gone. He told me about the letter Alejandro left for you."

"Ah."

"He put me right about a few things, too. I think words were said two years ago that probably shouldn't have been said, or at least they should have been put right before now. Fen said you blame yourself for what happened, but you're no more to blame than we are or than Alejandro is. His death crippled us all, and maybe we could have stopped him, but maybe we couldn't. We can't punish ourselves over maybes. Fen said he wants to make you happy, but you have to want it too."

Ripley's heart cramped. Oh Fen.

"You made Alejandro happy until he reached a place where he couldn't help himself and he wouldn't let anyone else help him. Alejandro let life beat him and we all have to live with that. But he's gone. We're still here. Be happy, Ripley. It's time. You have a young man who needs to be happy too."

Mateo ended the call and Ripley exhaled. What had he been thinking when he'd put self-indulgence for the past over hope for the future? He slipped his feet into his shoes, grabbed his coat and keys and went to get his car.

Calls to Fen went unanswered. Once he'd put the address into his satnav, he set off. Fen had lied to him. The phone call with his mother that he'd let Ripley overhear… But then he'd lied to Fen too so… Please let him be there. Because despite his promises, if Fen wasn't at his mother's old place, Ripley had no idea where to look.

He parked at the foot of the eight-storey block of flats and hoped his car still had wheels when he came back to it. Ripley looked at the lift and hesitated, but when a woman with three small kids got in, he joined them. The children kept jumping up and down, making the lift shake and he really wished they wouldn't, but he kept quiet. They got off on the fourth floor and Ripley continued to the sixth. Please be here.

When he reached the door, he banged hard on it. There was no answer. Shit. So should he wait? Maybe Fen wasn't there yet. Ripley banged again and shouted, "Fen! Open up!"

He was shocked when the door opened. Fen stood there looking up at him, his eyes wide, and Ripley stepped into the flat and pulled Fen into his arms. It took a little longer than he'd hoped, but Fen hugged him back.

"What are you doing here?" Fen asked.

"Your mother tried to call you. She was about to board a flight to Italy. Colour me astonished. You didn't answer and she's worried."

Fen winced. "Shit."

"Italy? That's not what you led me to believe."

"Let me call her."

"Text her. She'll get it when she lands."

"I didn't think she'd want to speak to me until Christmas Day. I'm sorry for you having to come all this way." He tapped into his phone.

"What are you telling her?"

"I'm fine. Had my phone on silent. Sorry. Have a lovely holiday. Merry Christmas. Kiss, kiss."

"Tell her you're with me."

Fen added that to the message.

Ripley strode further into the flat. "It's cold in here."

"The electricity's off. The water's on though." Fen had come after him.

Ripley saw Fen's backpack on the floor in an empty bedroom. Next to it was a box of Crunchy Nut cereal, a bottle of water and an orange.

"Christmas dinner? Or are you going to lie again and tell me you called in here but aren't staying?"

"There's no bed."

Ripley stepped right into Fen's space and was surprised Fen stood his ground. "No, there isn't. You were going to sleep on the floor though, right?"

Fen pressed his lips together, then nodded.

Fuck! "What the hell is all this about?"

Fen tucked his hands in his pockets. "You didn't want me there at Christmas. I didn't believe you were going to your mother's."

A lump formed in Ripley's throat. "What did you think I was going to do?"

"Stay in the house. Think about Alejandro. Remember the last thing you did together, the last dinner you ate, the last time you made love. Think about how if you'd known it was the last time, what would you have done differently? You'd decided Christmas couldn't be a happy time. You didn't want to smile and laugh with me. Easier to get drunk. And I wanted to make it easier for you so I told you I was going to my mum's. It's fine. I can stay here until Boxing Day."

"No you fucking can't. It's like a fridge in here. Pack up your stuff."

"I'm fine."

"You are not fucking fine. Do as you're told. Please."

Fen put everything in his backpack. "Are you going to your mother's?"

"Of course I'm fucking not."

"You're swearing a lot. Stop being so cross. We were both trying to do the right thing. Just that it's turned out to be the wrong thing."

"Lock the door and post the key. You're not coming back here."

As they made their way to the lift, Ripley said, "Your mother isn't the only person I heard from."

"Oh?"

"Mateo called me."

Fen's shoulders dropped. "I didn't think anyone would be there at that time in the morning. I put some flowers on Alejandro's grave. It's what gave me away. I'm sorry. I wasn't intending to interfere. It was supposed to be a quiet word between me and him, but Mateo came after me."

The lift doors opened and they stepped in.

"What did you want to say to Alejandro?"

"I told him I was trying to make you happy."

Oh Fen. Ripley's heart ached."Do you think he could hear?"

"I don't know. There's a lot I don't think I believe in, heaven and hell and stuff, but I also know we can't be sure of anything. It felt like I was doing the right thing and that means a lot to me. I have a father who didn't do the right thing, and that's made it even more important that I should try hard to be a good person. You made me happy and I wanted to pass it on. Even if Alejandro couldn't hear me, I wanted to say it."

Ripley squeezed his fingers but let go as the lift doors opened. They headed for his car, which looked intact. Ripley didn't say anything else until they were sitting inside it.

"When your mother called me, I was scared," Ripley said quietly.

He felt Fen's hand settle over his and Ripley clasped his fingers.

"I thought—what if I couldn't find you? I had no idea where you could be and it was my fault you'd left. And you're right. I pushed you away because I was pretty sure I'd be a mess today and tomorrow. Now instead of being a mess over Alejandro, I'm a mess over you." Ripley's throat felt blocked. "I thought I'd packed my stiff-upper lip but it appears I've mislaid it."

"It's okay to hurt about someone you loved. You miss him. Why wouldn't you?"

"I don't want to keep hurting."

"Well, that's up to you."

Ripley pulled him in close and kissed him, and was rewarded by Fen's gentle sigh. Would a day come when he didn't want to kiss Fen, hear that sigh? He couldn't conceive of that ever being the case, and yet the few brain cells not overwhelmed by desire reminded him almost all relationships started out like this, even the one with Alejandro.

"Stop thinking," Fen mumbled into Ripley's neck.

"I wish I could stop thinking about you."

Fen screwed his eyes up tight. He didn't think Ripley had meant to hurt him with that comment, but he had. He waited a moment until he was sure he could control his emotions, then pulled away and put on his seatbelt.

"I know you only came for the Crunchy Nut cornflakes. Don't expect me to share them."

Ripley chuckled. "We better go shopping. Do you want me to drop you off or do you want to come with me?"

"I'll come with you."

Ripley set off. "Or instead of buying food, we could go away somewhere. Not all hotels will be booked up."

"I like your house and the mini swimming pool. I like lounging on the couch with you warming my toes. I like the Christmas tree you decorated."

Do I sound normal? Not hurt? Not fretting that you don't want to think about me when you are all I think about?

"Do you like me?" Fen blurted.

Ripley shot him a glance. "Where did that come from?"

"Because I like you." It was all or nothing now. Fen had to be honest. The end date was still in his head, but he wasn't sure he could keep going if Ripley didn't like him enough.

"Yes, I like you, Fen. More than I should. I like waking up in the morning and seeing you sleeping next to me. I like the little sigh that escapes from some place deep inside you when we kiss, the cute noise you make when you come. I like your tattoos. I like what they say about you. I like to touch you, feel your skin under my fingers, your cheekbones, your hair. You make me laugh. No one has ever made me laugh like you do. You know my secrets and I know yours. You're more than I expected, more than I deserve, and that scares me."

Fen's heart had lightened. "Can't help but notice you didn't say I was fantastic in bed."

"If I think about you in bed, I'll struggle to concentrate on driving and if we're stopped, I'm not sure how I'll explain the state of my cock."

"If we weren't driving through London, I'd give you a blow job."

"Don't tell me that." Ripley groaned.

Fen felt better now about what Ripley had said about wanting to stop thinking about him. He'd taken Ripley's words the wrong way. They were good for each other. And things could be even better.

As Ripley pulled into a space in Waitrose car park, Fen had a call.

"It's my mum," he told Ripley.

"I've got to collect a couple of parcels from a locker. I'll be back in a minute."

"Hi, Mum."

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Yes. Sorry I worried you."

"Is Ripley there?"

"He's out of the car."

"Fen—were you going to spend Christmas on your own in that empty flat?"

"Course not." A permissible lie. "I wanted one last look before it was renovated." He hoped she believed him. "And to collect my secret stash from under the floorboards in my room."

"There weren't floorboards in your room."

"Darn it. Rumbled. Ripley's on his way back. We're about to go into Waitrose."

"And everything is really all right?"

"Yes, providing Ripley doesn't want me to stick my hand inside a turkey. Don't spend a fortune on the call. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Think Santa will still find me?"

She chuckled. "Love you."

"Love you too."

Ripley hadn't been on his way back but a moment later, the boot went up and then down again. Fen joined Ripley and they headed for the store entrance. When Fen reached for a basket, Ripley stopped him. "We need a trolley. Want to push?"

Fen hooked his crutch over the handle and they headed into the supermarket.

"Any thoughts on what we should have tonight and tomorrow?" Ripley asked.

"Let's see what's on offer. They'll be trying to get rid of stuff now. Pizza tonight? Do you want Christmas dinner or something different?"

"I don't mind."

"Christmas dinner's nice but a faff to make and I'm still traumatised by once having to put my hand inside a turkey to pull out the insides." He pretended to gag. "They were in a bag but…ugh."

"Let's not have turkey."

Fen picked up a festive sausage wreath and Ripley put it back. "We can do better."

He put two lobster tails in the trolley.

"I've never had lobster. How do you cook it?" Fen asked.

"It's already cooked. Heat it up. Melted butter. Delicious. We'll have roast potatoes and asparagus if they have some."

Fen swallowed hard as Ripley walked around picking up item after item. Mince pies, shortbread biscuits in a tin that lit up, smoked salmon, lemon, mulled wine, nuts, crackers, cheese…

"Steady on," Fen said. "The shops are only closed for two days."

"We have a whole week together. Just us. No work. I don't want to waste a minute of it shopping." He added two pizzas. "Do we need a carrot for Rudolph?"

"Reindeer can't eat them. Oats are their thing."

"Why didn't I know that?"

"Did you know their eyes change colour with the season?"

"No, I didn't know that either."

Ripley picked up bread, milk and some sort of exploding chocolate pudding that made Fen's mouth water as he looked at the packaging.

"Are there any treats you'd usually have?" Ripley asked. "Some type of chocolate? Alcohol?"

"Not really. Maybe this?" Fen held out a tin of croissant pastry.

"Croissants in a tin? Why not buy the ones from the bakery?"

"Because the ones in the tin taste nice. You'll see." Fen put it in with everything else. Too much food!

Ripley stared at the trolley. "I'm not sure we have enough."

Fen gaped at him. "There's enough food in there for us to survive an alien invasion. But we need toilet rolls."

Ripley laughed. A big laugh that made people turn and look at him and Fen's heart began to sing.