Chapter Forty-Nine

CHAPTER

FORTY-NINE

_________

I KILLED HIM.

I killed him.

Tears prickle my eyes, and a sob erupts from my throat that has no right to be there. I feel feverish, and ragged gasps flutter from my lips like butterflies metamorphizing through irrevocable actions. Calithea nudges me with her snout when I drop to my knees, avoiding the glass, and I turn away from Ailliard to rest my forehead against hers.

"This is real, sweetling," I sob. "Garrick can't manipulate your mind anymore."

I run my hand down her snout as another sob rips free and pull back to swipe the tears off my face. Ailliard is selfish for making me live with this, and yet I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to kill him. I don't understand how he could look me in the face and dream of the kingdom that tortured me.

"When your mother got pregnant, she thought you were her blessing. But I lived long enough to know you were her curse."

Ailliard's voice replays in my head.

My body shakes so hard I feel my teeth chatter together. He was going to kill Cayden. No matter how upset I am with him, I could never let that happen.

"You need to let go of your anger because no matter how much you fight, you'll never be strong enough to accomplish the things you wish for."

"Get out of my head." I screw my eyes shut and cover my ears with my blood-covered hands, but Ailliard's verbal assault continues. His insults are branded into my memory, and his corpse is engraved behind my eyelids.

"Your bond to those dragons was the worst thing that ever happened to me."

Hands wrap around my wrists, and I snap my eyes open. Cayden's concerned gaze bores into me, and his face is splattered with blood. His doublet is torn on his bicep, there's a slash on his chest, and blood trickles from the reopened wound under his eye. I try to make out what he's saying but can't focus on his lips. I can't concentrate on anything. Everything feels like it's too much to process.

Ailliard's betrayal.

Ailliard's death.

The marriage clause.

I rip my wrists out of his hold and shove him back. "You knew," I rasp.

"Elowen, please." Cayden reaches for me again, eyes pleading. "I just need you to breathe for me right now. We can talk about the rest later."

I shake my head, shutting my eyes against the dizziness. "Where's Finnian? Where's Finnian? FINNIAN!"

A pair of familiar arms spin me away from Ailliard's body, and Finnian shoves my head into his neck. "I'm right here, Ellie. Just breathe."

I suck in short, frantic breaths, but my head grows lighter as the seconds tick by. Finnian runs a hand through my tangled hair, whispering that everything is okay. I fist his shirt and pull him closer, breathing in his scent. I can't hold it back anymore— I sob into his neck. I scream and sob until my throat burns. Tears soak his skin and leave fresh trails down my face.

I pull back and search his watery eyes. "Please don't be scared of me."

"I could never be scared of you."

"I would never do this to you." I try to turn back to Ailliard, but Finnian keeps his hands firm on my shoulders. "Please, you must know I would never do this to you. Ailliard didn't love me, he . . . he . . ."

Finnian wipes my tears while cupping my face. "I know. You love me, and I love you. You're not a monster, Ellie."

Finnian is the only love I've ever known outside of Ailliard, but I've always known that the differences in the way they treated me were as clear as night and day. Ailliard would tell me he cared for me, but Finnian never had to, I just knew it. Blood travels from my fingers to my elbows and looks like I'm wearing crimson gloves. I turn my hands around, taking them in before I let my eyes travel along my stained gown. I wonder if any blood is Ailliard's. It pools around me, seeping into my soul, staining it more than it already is. My breathing picks up, and it causes the pain in my ribs to flare.

I bow my head, clutching my torso, doing my best to breathe through it. Cayden's before me in an instant, and I'm too exhausted to shove him away again. "Were your ribs hit?"

I nod. We're all maimed in some way. Finnian's left eye is swollen shut and his doublet is still stained from previous wounds. Saskia has a slash on her calf. Ryder clutches his side while she supports his weight and needs a healer immediately.

"I should stitch Ryder," I say.

"The court physician will come to the suite," Cayden says, brushing the hair out of my face.

I try to speak but press my lips together and pinch my eyes shut when another wave of pain surges. "Cayden . . ."

"I know, love. I've got you." He lifts me in his arms, careful to stay away from my bruises, and carries me from the bloodied banquet hall.

***

Saskia slides her brush and fingers through my hair, braiding the wet strands down my back. I've never had someone brush my hair before, and I didn't realize how relaxing it would be. I close my eyes, wanting to remain present within the peace.

The tea Cayden sent has grown cold, and I'm surprised he's waited this long before appearing. He's blood free but looks both crazed and tortured as he leans against the doorframe. I watch him and remain silent as Saskia ties a lavender bow around the bottom of my braid to match my night-slip.

"Let me know if you want me to come back," Saskia says as she rises from the couch, her robe trailing behind her as she walks past Cayden, looking back at him with sadness.

I drop my eyes to my lap, but it matters little when he's kneeling before me within seconds. "El, please look at me."

It hurts to look at him, to feel the things I do when I wish to be burning in anger only. To be lost in this confusing sense of grief, craving his arms, but not knowing if I should. "Royals have marriages of convenience quite frequently."

He rests his hands on my thighs. "I never planned on invoking the clause, ever."

"But you did." I shove myself off the couch, stepping around him and toward the fire. My leg throbs painfully, but I stand my ground. "And you played it well."

"I'll happily be the villain for you if it ensures your safety. I'll watch this kingdom burn to the ground if it means you live. I've never wanted to be king, that's why I never told you about it." He strides toward me, stopping inches away and yet much too far. "You've been stuck in my head since the night we met, even before then, but I knew there was no going back for me once I met you."

Self-loathing enraptures me when helpless tears mist my eyes. "When did you find out about the clause?"

"The night of the alliance ball," he says, hands fisting at his sides to stop himself from reaching out to me. "Galakin approached you about marriage while we were sitting at the table, and I felt like I couldn't breathe."

"You deceived me for weeks!"

"I wanted something to offer you after we had time together, if you wanted something more than a commander, but I won't lie or apologize. I'm not a hero. This is who I am, Elowen, and I'm yours. All of me, every darkened part. Until the moon crashes into the sea and all the stars blink out of existence."

I shake my head, but he steps forward to frame my cheeks with his hands.

"I've always been yours, even if you weren't mine. There are no stipulations to the power you have on me. Even if you despise me, you'll always have me."

I fist his shirt but don't pull him closer. "You say everything I want to hear, but I don't know how to trust it." I may be mad at him, but I can't cut him out from where he embedded himself inside my heart. "You say you never wanted to be king, but you're now the king of one of the most powerful kingdoms in Ravaryn. You crave power, and I've seen the lengths to which you'll go to obtain it. The clause is a game, and you've made me your pawn."

"I crave you. You are my queen, always have been, even when it was treasonous," he says, brushing his thumbs over my cheeks before leaning down to kiss my forehead. When he pulls back, his eyes beg me to believe him. "They didn't want us in their world, so I made a new one."

I stare up at him and all words known to me vanish from my mind as if they never existed. My mind is a maze that even I don't always know how to navigate. I've been betrayed and abandoned so many times that antidotes morph into poison, honest words become riddled with ulterior motives. "You didn't betray me, but a lie of omission is still a sin."

"Please, my love."

"I need time."

"I'll give you whatever you need," he says, trying to give me a reassuring smile, but I've never seen him look so defeated. "And I'll spend the rest of my life proving I didn't do this for a crown."

"I'm not an easily convinced woman."

"I'm a man who loves a challenge."

A tear falls down my cheek, and I hate myself for it. "Perhaps my mind will be the one to finally best you. I don't know how to stop thinking. I don't know how to trust words. My life changed in an instant when I was a child, and I've tried to avoid another situation like that."

"I will quiet any doubt you have; you just need to tell me."

I shake my head, more tears falling from my eyes. I haven't known much kindness in my life, and whenever I've gotten emotional in the past it's been met with anger for feeling things that were inconvenient to others, but Cayden is being so gentle that I don't know how to perceive it. It's like I'm waiting with bated breath for him to lash out at me, so I can see who he truly is, but it never comes.

The events of tonight weigh on me like stones tied around my ankles dragging me to the bottom of the sea. I fight to get back to the surface, but it's little use. I step away from him, making myself feel worse, but I refuse to crumble in his arms. I feel like he's driven a wedge into my heart, but he's also the only one who can take it out.

I need him to understand that this isn't something I'll brush under the rug because his arms make me feel whole. I'd rather be broken and respected than loved and deceived. I need to be alone with my thoughts, even if they'll torture me, but one thing I know for sure is that I want the world to know that if they stand against us, they're lighting their own pyres or digging their own graves. We've taken Vareveth through conquest, and it's inevitable that other rulers of Ravaryn will feel threatened.

"I need you to send a message to the fire priestess," I say. "Our crowns and betrothal are drenched in blood, and war will come, but my dragons will be with us. That is all I want from you tonight."

He slides his hand down my braid, and I force myself not to break while I look up at him. "The reign of the demon king and dragon queen."