Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

As soon as Nicky drove away from the marina, I slammed my truck door and bolted for Sam’s house. Usually, after a trip, I couldn’t wait to go straight home so I could shower and relax, but those creature comforts would have to wait until after I confronted my best friend. It didn’t take me long to get there since he lived only a couple of blocks from me, in a small home with a quaint porch and light-blue-painted siding.

I didn’t even knock, just used my key and walked right in, slamming his door as well.

“Welcome back, sunshine. What’s your goddamn problem?”

“You! You’re my goddamn problem,” I thundered. I’d kept a lid on my simmering shame and confusion all week, but it had boiled over into anger and after last night, falling asleep with Nicky’s slender naked body, so pale and smooth, and fuck!—I’d worked myself into a full-fledged fucking wrath.

“You must be mistaken,” Sam laughed. “I haven’t seen you in days.”

“It’s your fault!”

“Me?” he laughed, like someone bewildered and confused does. Sam set down his beer and joined me in the foyer. “What’d I do?”

Completely mortified, I felt my face heat and spluttered, “Y-You put that shit in my head…about Nicky and other men!”

“So?”

He still didn’t get it. Fuck! “His fuckable lips made for sucking dick and his pretty come-fuck-me eyes, and…and…his tuggable hair!” I mimicked his words from last week.

Sam was still laughing. Asshole. “I said pillowy lips and long lashes. That other shit, that was all you, man.”

“Fuck off.”

“So, is that what this is about?” He popped my glasses off my head and folded them, tucking the arm inside my shirt. “You realized little Nicky isn’t so little anymore?”

I swatted his hand away. “You’re a dick.”

“What about Nicky’s dick?” he taunted. “Did you catch a glimpse of it in that tiny scrap of spandex when you took him to Barbados? Did he wear it again this week? ”

I was tempted to knock his smirk off his gorgeous face. “It’s fucking transparent when wet! And this week, that Speedo would have been a blessing. Instead, he went fucking naked!”

Sam laughed loudly. He was enjoying my shame way too much. “And now you can’t unsee it?”

“Exactly. What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

His laughter died down, but his smile remained. “What do you want to do?”

“Nothing!” I defended too hotly to be believed.

“Uh-huh. So it’s like that, is it?” He turned, walking into the living room, and I followed, plopping down on the couch beside him. “First of all, calm the fuck down. I don’t need your attitude, and I don’t buy your protestations for a fucking minute.” He breathed out loudly, and I copied him, taking a deep breath and releasing it. “What are you thinking?”

“Nothing I’m admitting to,” I scoffed.

Sam chuckled. “That’s what I thought. Thank you for being honest.” He ran his fingers through his hair, grabbed his phone to check the time on the lock screen, and set it back down. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Yet.”

“Are you planning to?” Sam turned to me, looking curious.

“Are we really discussing this?”

“He’s not related to you, by blood or by law. He’s…”

“He’s Brian’s kid! ”

“He’s not a kid anymore. Nicky is nineteen. You and I have fucked several guys that young.”

“I’m not fucking him, Sam! Fuck!” My face heated with shame just from saying it out loud.

“But you’d like to.” He turned his body toward me, folding his knee on the couch. “Has he said something to you?”

“No, not really. Just…you know how he is, all…”

Sam raised his brow, smiling. “Clingy and doe-eyed? Cass this and Cass that? Yeah, I know how he is. A little too soft and sweet for my liking, but if you’re into that sort of thing, which you are, I can see how easy it is to feel confused about mixed signals. Yours and his.” He framed my jaw with his thumb and forefinger, turning my head. “A hug is just a hug, and a kiss is just a kiss, if you want it to be. That’s what you have to figure out. Are you a father figure to Nicky, or do you want to be his Daddy ?”

“Oh my God, cut that bullshit right now.” Pulling free of his grasp, I crossed my arms over my chest. “I need you to nail my ass, hard. Maybe I’ll stay over tonight.”

Sam shook his head and stood. “I’m not going to keep absolving you of your guilt. I’m not his fucking stand-in.” Grabbing the remote, he shut off the TV and headed down the short hallway that led to his bedroom. “You can let yourself out.”

“Sam,” I called .

“Next time you beg for my cock, make sure it’s actually mine that you want, not his.”

Fuck! How did I get myself into this fucking mess?

I let myself out, and for good measure, slammed my truck door shut one last time. As I drove home, his words echoed through my head. Did I want to be a father figure or a Daddy?

I’d never formally been anyone’s Daddy before, though many younger guys had tossed out the name in bed ever since I’d reached thirty a decade ago. The idea never really appealed to me much. But the idea of being Nicky’s Daddy? My sweet boy? My surprisingly sexy boy? My incredibly smart boy who wanted to be like me in so many ways? Yeah, I might want that. The idea was becoming more appealing with each passing second.

Did Nicky want that? Something told me he did.

Fuck me . My ex was going to kill me.

I was going stir-crazy at home alone, waiting to sail again. Our next charter had been canceled, so we had six days off. Fuck, maybe I’d take a quick jaunt to Jamaica or something. Blow off some steam and find someone to get underneath or inside of.

Sam was still steering clear of me .

My phone beeped, and I hoped it was the distraction I needed.

Glancing at the screen, I cursed.

Nicky:

Meet me for lunch?

Definitely not the distraction I needed.

But I had shit else to do, and the thought of sitting here all day going out of my mind was a lot less appealing than taunting myself with the object of my forbidden desire.

Shuckin’ Shack @3

After I’d showered, shaved, and put on a clean tank and shorts, I slid my feet into flip-flops, grabbed my ball cap and sunglasses, and headed out.

Nicky was already waiting for me outside the restaurant. He popped up from the bench with a huge grin. It felt as natural as breathing to kiss his cheek. It was impossible to put boundaries between us. My first instinct was always going to be to pull him close .

“Hi, Cass!”

“Hey, Nicky. You hungry?”

“Starving.”

A waiter showed us to a table out back by the water. The fresh, salty air and the sound of the waves lapping against the wooden pylons were a familiar comfort. I’d always been at home by the sea. Saltwater was in my blood.

“You keeping busy?” What the fuck was I supposed to talk to him about? The only thoughts I had running through my mind were absolutely off-topic.

“Started reading for the fall semester, looking over my syllabus, taking notes.”

“That’s good. How’s your dad?”

“Away on business.”

Damn, I hated leaving him alone in that big house. He hated it, too. Like hell I was inviting him over, though.

“Sam has a day charter to go deep-sea fishing tomorrow. You should join him. He’d appreciate the help.”

“Really?” Nicky looked skeptical.

“Sure. Why wouldn’t he?”

“Okay, I’ll go.”

We placed our orders and didn’t speak again until the waiter brought our drinks.

“Your birthday is coming up,” I remarked. “Turning twenty is a big deal. Got any plans? ”

“We’ll probably be out on a charter. Maybe I can go dancing again?”

He grinned like a total brat, looking for trouble.

“I hope you aren’t packing that Speedo for our next trip.” Nicky laughed. “Don’t forget to pack clothes, too, or were you planning on going sans clothes again ?”

“Fine, I’ll pack clothes,” he said, huffing playfully.

“Maybe throw in a shirt that actually fits,” I suggested, raising my brow.

“Don’t push it,” Nicky giggled.

“Have you thought about what you want for your birthday?” In the ten years I’d known him, I’d never failed to spoil him rotten on his birthday.

The grin fell from his lips and Nicky became serious, clearing his throat. He dropped his voice low. “Cass, you know what I want.”

I did?

“Maybe say it out loud, since my mind is drawing blanks.”

“I want you , Cass.” If Bozo the Clown had strolled down the dock on a purple spotted dinosaur singing jazz tunes, I wouldn’t be more shocked. When I remained silent—and slack-jawed—Nicky supplied hand motions, making a ring with his thumb and forefinger and with his other hand, sliding his forefinger through the ring.

I swatted his hands. “Cut that shit out,” I hissed, checking to see if anyone was watching. “I asked for an explanation, not a demonstration. ”

Nicky shrugged, his grin returning.

“What are you saying?”

“I said?—”

“I fucking heard you,” I bit out, cutting him off before he could repeat himself. “Are you out of your mind?”

“Not at all. I’m turning twenty, and I’ve never, you know,” he said in a stage whisper, glancing around, “and I’m positive I want it to be you.”

“Me? Why me?”

“Why not? You’re perfect.”

Fuck, he was looking at me all doe-eyed again!

“Nicky,”

“Please don’t, Cass. Don’t make me out to be some silly boy who can’t make up his own mind. I know what I want, and I know what I feel.”

My heart hammered in my chest. I wiped my damp hands on my shorts.

“Go ahead, Cass, tell me it's one-sided. I dare you,” Nicky challenged.

When had my sweet boy become so damn bold? “Have you thought this through?”

“I've thought of little else. I'm sure, Cass.”

Well, I wasn't! I could still call the whole messy debacle off and save myself. But would I? God, he was so sweet and gentle, so smart, funny, loyal, beautiful, tempting…I was fucked so badly.

“Would you tell your dad?”

He sputtered. “Are you kidding me? Hell no!” Nicky toyed with his straw. “Not that I would tell him, no matter who I was with.”

Good point. “If we did this.” Christ, I can't believe I'm seriously considering it. ‘ If ,’ I stressed, “It would only be a one-time thing. No repeats, Nicky.”

“You can't go twice in one night?”

I glared at his joke. “Would you be okay with that? Going back to normal afterward and pretending like it never happened?”

What even was normal anymore? I wasn't convinced I could touch him and pretend like it never happened, either. That would be impossible. He's so…

“I can if you can. I'll follow your example.”

Mine? I'm making terrible decisions. Hell, I'm the last person who should be setting an example.

“Nicky…” Nicky what? I was all out of rational words and thoughts.

Nicky reached out and slid his smaller hand over mine. I shouldn’t crave his touch this much. “It's done, Cass. Let's eat.”

The waiter served our fried fish sandwiches, and as I bit into the blackened grouper, I heard the last nail being pounded into my coffin. It might as well be done, because no part of me wanted to say no to him.