20. Jessa

20

JESSA

F or a brief moment, as I open my eyes, I expect Nikolai not to be there any longer. My mind is already replaying the last time I let him take me that far, and though I know it may be foolish, I can’t be bothered to regret it.

I have never felt better than when I am with him. And after weeks of dying for a glance or a conversation, I took everything last night and savored it.

“Morning.”

I blink open my eyes to find his amber ones already staring down at me. Shock jolts my system, even as a swirl of happiness spreads through me.

He’s still here.

I was ready for him to be gone. I was ready to be ignored, to sweep this night under the rug. Before I even woke up, I was mentally preparing myself for how bad it was going to hurt even though it was worth it just to have another night with him.

Nikolai’s hand strokes down my back gently as I stare up at him in disbelief. “How are you feeling?”

I shift a little, and it’s then I realize I’m laying on his wing. He has his arm beneath my side, keeping most of the weight off of it, and the wing is curled slightly around me.

What is wrong with me that I find the slightest sign of him trying to protect me so heartwarming?

“I’m okay,” I rasp, my throat dry.

He immediately twists to the side and grabs a glass of water. I wonder when he went to get that, but I don’t question it as he helps me sit up. I down it all in one gulp, and when I hand him back the cup, his eyes are assessing me in a way I don’t understand.

I don’t know what to do now. I was so ready for him to run, I didn’t think about what would happen if he didn’t.

But I do know after last night, there is one thing…

I might as well try while I’m in his good graces.

“I want to be a vrakken,” I blurt out, my eyes glued to his face.

Immediately, he goes rigid, and my heart sinks. He twists slowly away, so we are facing each other. His expression is hard, unreadable, and his wings tuck in behind his back.

This is the Nikolai I know. This harsh posture and emotionless face. This is the one that serves the temple and no one else.

"I've proven my loyalty to the vrakken beyond any doubt," I argue, holding Nikolai's conflicted gaze. I have to get through to him before he completely shuts down. I can’t go back to the way things were. "I've devoted myself fully to the temple, learned your rituals, assisted with anything asked of me. I only want the chance to honor the First as a true vrakken."

Nikolai's jaw tightens, uncertainty swirling in his eyes. He looks away, a crease forming between his brows. "It is...complicated," he says at last, voice slow and hesitant.

He falls silent, seeming to wrestle internally with his thoughts. I stay perfectly still, hardly daring to breathe, desperate for any sign my plea has struck a chord within him. The seconds tick by agonizingly.

Finally, Nikolai drags a hand down his face and lets out a heavy sigh. "I have lived by certain beliefs for so long," he continues, each word seeming difficult for him to get out. "I was taught that human blood was weakening us. It is great to drink, but it diminishes our magic. There are many newly Made vrakken who do not have wings or the ability to sun glamour.”

“Nikolai–” I start.

He holds up his hand, still avoiding my gaze. “I have tried so very hard to keep my distance from you.” Frustration lines his tone. “Because vrakken and humans alike have forgotten how we were meant to be, why we were created and brought together. And it wasn’t for our kind to mingle.”

I’m stunned into silence, and to my surprise, he keeps going.

"Do you know why I was sent above ground to live among the vrakken in the first place?"

I shake my head mutely, shoulders tense. I guess I had assumed he came above ground when everyone else did. Nikolai's eyes take on a faraway look as he continues.

"Our kind originated in the caverns below, tunnels of the wildspont that kept us protected. After the war, we were driven below ground, but we never forgot. We were meant to walk the surface, and one day, magic reached deep below the mountains to us. The Council decided it was time to come above ground.

“It was supposed to be a way for us to start getting ready to launch another war. There are enough vrakken here to fill out ranks, but too many have been tempted by human vices and intimacy." His lips curl in disgust and that alone stings. “The Council sent me here to restore order – though they can’t be bothered to leave the caverns themselves.”

His jaw tightens, disappointment evident on his face. "But the High Priestesses who raised me have grown concerned over the weakening of our powers through such reckless intermingling with mortals. And so I was charged with stopping it - with reminding the vrakken of their sacred duty to remain pure."

Nikolai focuses on me again, regret mingling with conviction in his eyes. "Of why we were created in the first place. I was tasked with preventing any further dilution of our proud lineage."

I absorb his words silently, aching to plead my case again. "I want only to honor the First, to use any gifts I may have in service to her cause. To stand with the vrakken against our shared enemy." I hesitate, then lightly touch his hand. "I do not ask this selfishly, only to be of aid in the coming war."

Nikolai studies me for a long moment, his muscles so tight I fear they might snap. "But that doesn't change what I was sent here for.” He swallows hard. “I am one of few vrakken born, not Made. I was goddess-blessed, they say, and look at me compared to the others. Mixing human blood with our venom cannot do any good.”

Fury boils up inside me as Nikolai remains stubbornly unmoved, clinging to his antiquated prejudices. A reckless rage takes hold and I can no longer hold back the tempest of emotions churning within.

"I thought you cared for me!" I explode, fists clenched tightly at my sides. Nikolai's eyes widen in surprise at my sudden venomous outburst. "But I was just another pathetic human pet to warm your bed after all, wasn't I?" I accuse bitterly, hot tears stinging my eyes that I stubbornly refuse to let fall. "You've seen firsthand the danger your own kind poses if I remain this weak, this vulnerable!"

I surge to my feet, shaking with anger and sorrow. "I don't want to cower behind you for protection forever! I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with the vrakken against our enemies as an equal!" My voice rises steadily in pitch and fervor. "I want to devote my life to honoring the First, not remain a plaything at the mercy of your kind's cruel whims!"

Nikolai opens his mouth to respond but I slice a hand through the air, cutting him off harshly. The floodgates are open and I won't be silenced.

"I thought you of all people could understand my yearning for belonging, my desire to use what gifts I have in service to something greater than myself!" I yell, bitter disappointment etched on every feature. "But you're no different than the rest of them in the end. I'm just a pathetic, lowly human in your eyes – unworthy of standing with the vrakken!"

My chest heaves with emotion, the fight going out of me as suddenly as it came. Nikolai looks stricken, though he remains silent. It’s probably for the best since the damage is done.

"I don't know why I bothered hoping you could see me as something more," I finish dully, turning away before he can see the hot tears now escaping unchecked down my cheeks.

The fire of anger still simmers in my veins as I slide from the bed, the silken sheets pooling around me. I spot my discarded pants and Nikolai's tunic in a heap on the floor and grab for them with jerky, agitated movements.

Behind me, I hear Nikolai suck in a sharp breath as the bed creaks and he half rises. "Jessa, wait, please..." he implores, voice raw with emotion.

I pointedly ignore him, roughly yanking on my pants underneath the concealing curtain of my tangled hair. My hands tremble slightly, making fastening the ties difficult, but I grit my teeth and keep going.

“You have to understand…” I block out the sound of his voice as I finally wrestle his tunic over my head. The soft fabric envelops my smaller frame, his earthy scent surrounding me.

A few stray tears escape, dripping down my cheeks as I furiously scrub them away. I refuse to show any more weakness in front of him.

Behind me, I hear Nikolai curse loudly before addressing me again in a tighter, restrained voice. "Jessa, just wait!”

Again I deny him any response, taking bitter satisfaction in the frustration I'm causing him after his callous dismissal. Let him finally understand even a fraction of the hurt he's inflicted. This is what I get for letting foolish hope into my heart

Squaring my shoulders, I storm toward the door on still shaky legs, flinging it open with more force than necessary. The heavy wood bangs loudly against the stone wall.

I stride out into the empty corridor without looking back, letting the door swing violently shut behind me, the echoing bang providing grim punctuation to our argument.

If Nikolai doesn’t want to Make me a vrakken, then fine.

I’ll find someone who will.