Chapter 19

Zara

God, this is harder than I thought it would be. I’m still feeling the slight effects of the alcohol, but now it’s just a heavy buzz. It’s funny how talking about my greatest mistake is enough to sober me up a bit. Deep down I know I’m not to blame—that I’m the victim—but in my head I can still hear the whisper of Clifton Black’s voice telling me this is all my fault.

When Kyler continues to sit in silence, I understand that he’ll wait as long as he needs to for me to start talking. It’s what actually gives me the courage to speak.

“It’s probably best to start from the beginning.” I let out a deep breath. “Neither of my parents were nice people. I’m not sure why they even had children in the first place, because they made it clear that both Amelia—my sister—and I were nothing more than an inconvenience. Lia became not only my best friend, but also my mother. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t know what love is.”

There’s still that void inside me from her loss, but somehow lately, it doesn’t seem quite as big.

“When I was about Talek’s age, my sister killed herself. I lost the only person who ever loved me and I was so young I didn’t understand why,” my voice cracks and I clear my throat. “At least not until almost two years ago. That’s when I found out all those years ago she’d been…raped—forced—by her boyfriend. It’s why she did what she did.”

It’s been eighteen years since she’s been gone, and the truth is still hard to say out loud.

“You told me that you wished the male who hurt your sister had died instead of her,” Kyler reminds me. “I too wish this for you. Any male who hurts a female in that way deserves to be struck down. I am sorry that did not happen and that your sister was taken from you.”

I reach out for his hands and hold them tight. “Thank you. For saying that.”

He nods and I continue.

“Anyway, when I found out the truth, and worse, that my parents had been paid by her rapist to keep it quiet, I started to rebel and act out. They never cared about Amelia or me, so why should I care about them?” My voice is raised in anger, but I bring it down. “I started dating Bryce because I knew they didn’t approve of him. He was part of the upper tier—the rich—but his family didn’t have nearly the wealth mine did. Clifton and Priscilla Black are nothing if not pretentious snobs. He gave me all the attention I’d been missing out on after Amelia was gone. I’d been starved for it and I drank it all in, ignoring all the warning signs.”

I laugh bitterly because, in that regard, maybe it was my fault.

“One night we went to a party, and I had a lot to drink. Not enough to be completely incapacitated, but definitely inebriated. I’m not sure if Bryce knew that it was the anniversary of Amelia’s death or not, but looking back, I suspect he did.” It makes sense. “He coaxed me upstairs to an empty bedroom and we started making out. Of course, things escalated and before long we were having sex. It wasn’t our first time ever, but it was the first time since he’d told me he loved me.”

Kyler stiffens but doesn’t say anything. I kind of wish he would. At least so I know that he hasn’t changed his mind or feelings about me yet. Of course, I haven’t even gotten to the worst part, so maybe it’s a good thing.

“After it was over, I fell asleep, or passed out more likely. When I woke up, Bryce was gone. There wasn’t a single trace of him. I got dressed to go look for him, but when I got downstairs, everyone was staring at me. Laughing. Whispering to each other. One of Bryce’s friends walked by and smacked my ass. He said ‘good show’. I had no idea what he was talking about.” I shake my head at how stupid I’d been. “I finally left the party and went home. When I got there and looked at my comm, I saw the notification. A link to some website. I never should have clicked on it, but I did. There it was, right in front of me. Evidence of what my rebelling had led to. My boyfriend—the guy who’d only the day before told me he loved me—had videotaped us having sex without my knowledge or consent and live-streamed it so every single person at that party saw it. Not only that, but the video had made its way to the parents of those at the party, including my own. Apparently, Clifton had humiliated Bryce’s dad during some business deal which led him to leave his family. I was payback.”

I meet Kyler’s eyes and they have changed color. In fact, the yellow of them has almost completely disappeared and only the purple-black remains. I’ve never seen that happen to any Tavikhi before and have no idea what it means. Is he so disgusted by what I did that he doesn’t want me anymore? My gut aches and I want to cry, but I do what I’ve done for twenty-seven years and hide my emotions.

“You asked me why I came to Tavikh. Well, that’s why. After the video went public, my parents disowned me. Kicked me out. I left with a single bag full of clothes and without a credit to my name. When we were younger, Amelia and I always talked about leaving the upper tier and going to some made-up place with a cute house and a yard filled with pretty flowers. When I saw the sign about leaving Earth for Tavikh, I just knew it was a message from my sister.” I manage a short laugh. “Imagine my surprise when I landed here and didn’t get either of those things.”

It was meant as a joke and to get at least maybe a smile out of Kyler. Except he remains rigid and his eyes are still more black than yellow. He doesn’t crack a grin or let out a small chuckle. His jaw clenches so hard I can see the muscles along it shift. Only briefly during my story did his hands tighten on mine, but it lasted barely a second. That’s the biggest movement he’s made the entire time and it’s starting to make me nervous.

“Are you going to say anything? You’re freaking me out a little here.”

Kyler releases my hands and climbs off the bed. He paces the tent with his fists opening and closing every two or three steps. I track his path back and forth and the knot in my stomach grows. He comes to a stop in the middle of the place and stares at me.

“If I could travel to your planet and kill that dishonorable male with my bare hands, I would,” he growls from deep within his chest, his black eyes darkening more.

“What?” I mean, I heard him, but the words haven’t processed yet. Until they do.

“Are those the kind of people who live on Earth? Babas and Nenes who would treat their kits so horribly? Almost mates who cause so much pain and suffering they no longer want to live? Or who are so cowardly as to use a female for revenge?” Kyler’s rage vibrates the ground he stands on. “It is no wonder you wanted to be free of them. How could anyone who knows you not see how courageous and kind and loving you are? How could they dare do anything to hurt you? I have never had hate in my heart until now. I would destroy each and every one of those who have done something to dishonor you.”

With every word he speaks, the tension bleeds from me. In its place is a mishmash of emotions. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried in the last eighteen years. Except I can’t stop the tears that have welled in my eyes from falling. I had hoped Kyler wouldn’t blame me for what happened and that he would understand it wasn’t my fault, but never in my wildest dreams would I have expected so much anger on my behalf. No one has ever defended me so fiercely. Threatened to actually kill someone who hurt me.

Every wall—every defense—that I’ve kept carefully locked around my heart crumbles. Even when I felt Kyler’s soul light join with me, I didn’t let it take hold, because I didn’t truly think someone could love me. The person who has always been so unloved. So unloveable. Except now, I embrace the light that’s been flickering inside me and I make a vow to never, ever let it—let him —go.

I make my way off the bed as well and go to him. He stares intently down at me with eyes still blazing with rage. I loop my hands around the back of his neck and pull his head down toward me. I rise up on my tippy toes and our mouths meet in a perfect kiss. Perfect because it is filled with the purest of emotions. Love. I put everything I am and want to be in the kiss and hope Kyler understands what I’m saying without the three words I’m too overwhelmed with to express verbally. This is more than love. This is adoration. It’s he-is-my-world-and-I-can’t-live-without-him.

His hands go around my hips and he lifts me. My legs wrap around his waist and my arms tighten around him. Without breaking the kiss, he walks us over to the bed and gently lays me down on it. Kyler’s body covers mine and he settles between my thighs. My hands slide slowly up and down his back, memorizing every crevice and ridge along the way. His skin is like soft, buttered leather and I’ll never get enough of it.

I want him to know what this means to me. Touching him. Having him touch me. I clutch at Kyler’s shoulders and tug slightly. He releases my mouth and stares down at me.

“For as long as Amelia’s been gone, I haven’t liked people touching me. Not…him. Not even my new sisters here on Tavikh. But it’s never been like that with you. Even in the beginning. It’s like my mind, body, and heart knew it belonged with you and that you would take care with them. Having you touch me every day for the rest of my life will never be enough.”

“ Keeshla ,” Kyler rasps out in a gravelly tone that vibrates straight to my clit.

“Make love to me. Please. I need you.”

He hesitates. “I do not want to take advantage of your vulnerable state.”

If I hadn’t finally accepted that I loved him, I would now. I cradle his head between my palms and stroke his cheeks with my thumbs. “You aren’t taking advantage. You’re showing your mate what it’s like to truly be in love.”

Kyler studies my face and I stare deeply into his eyes, my heart and soul completely exposed to him. I don’t want to hold anything back. Not anymore.