18. Vai
The flash blinded me, transporting me into a sea of darkness.
I floated silently, constantly, into that infinite void.
The more I stared at it, the more convinced I was that it was something real and alive.
Something that wished me dead.
It drew closer inch by inch.
It uttered no sound and gave no sign it was moving toward me.
But on some level, I knew it was.
And there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
I felt its icy touch on my forearms and thighs, thick like rope.
Or tendrils.
They consumed me, threatening to stifle me, and wrapped in ever-increasing tightness around my chest.
Each moment, it drew tighter and tighter until I could barely breathe.
I lashed out, but I had no limbs, no body.
I existed only in my conscience, and as the vines found my eyes, blocking out even the twinkling lights of space from view, I knew I was doomed.
My arms flew outto the side to block those dark vines.
My right arm struck a wall but the curve and shape of the room I found myself in wasn't right.
The pod had a curved wall and I should have struck it fully with my elbow and fist.
My other hand knocked a lamp off a bedside table.
It smashed on the floor but I paid it no mind.
Realization was dawning on me and it wasn't entirely welcome.
I was no longer in the pod.
I was in my quarters aboard my ship.
I moved to climb off but my head swam.
I shut my eyes but even then I could feel the room spinning.
"The Surgeon said you might suffer some ill effects from the Procedure," a familiar voice said.
I would have smiled if I felt up to it.
It was always nice to hear a familiar voice.
Computer.
"How long have I been out?" I said.
"About three hours. Ever since you were brought on board. The Surgeon escorted you himself. He gave me instructions to take you home immediately. You need to rest and recuperate."
The Surgeon.
The Procedure.
So, it had all happened.
Memories like flotsam on a calm tide pressed against my mind.
I had kicked and flailed at the pod's innards but it was surprisingly strong.
I couldn't get out.
I had heard Emma's scream, mostly buried by the deafening screech of the engine above our heads.
Then I calmed down, recalling why I was doing this.
It wasn't for myself.
It was for her.
She needed this.
She needed to be free of the bond so Iav couldn't torment or torture her.
I eased back and watched as the light swelled and grew brighter.
I shut my eyes when I felt the painful rush of electricity run through my body.
And when I flew back and hit the pod's back panel, there was no fear of injury.
My body was already relaxed and ready for when the darkness took me.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.
My room no longer spun but it still issued back and forth like I was riding a boat on high seas.
I swung my legs over the side and placed my feet on the cold and reassuring hard floor.
"And Emma?" I said.
Just saying her name brought a spike of pain to my chest.
"You were removed from the facility first. I assume the Surgeon placed her on one of their shuttlecraft shortly after we took off."
I nodded, knowing Computer was right.
Still, I wasn't entirely pleased it was the case.
I placed my hands on either side of the bed and shoved myself up onto my feet.
"I'm not sure walking is a good idea right now…" Computer said.
Neither did I, but the last thing I wanted to do was sleep more.
I shuffled forward and the room shuffled with me, fuzzy clones of each object moving like I had entered a black hole.
I took a moment to wave my hands and better stabilize myself.
With my eyes shut, I saw Emma's face floating in front of me, her gorgeous wide mischievous grin emblazoned brazenly on her lips.
In a flash of white light, I saw the last expression of hers I would ever witness.
One of fear and doubt, and framed by the pod's window.
She'd been as afraid as I was.
Then the blanket of white descended, wiping her from view.
The bond between us had been severed and save for the odd phantom feeling, I would never sense her again.
It made me feel cold and hollow, the way I knew it would.
Time was a great healer, so they said.
I wasn't sure I believed it.
I found it impossible I might forget these all-consuming doubts flowing through me like a raging river.
I opened my eyes and stumbled toward the door.
It hissed open and the bright lights flooded my room.
I groaned under my breath.
"Computer, dim lights," I said.
Computer did, but not enough for my liking.
"More."
Computer responded, leaving me with just enough light to make out the broad brushstrokes of the walls and doorframes along the hall.
I braced myself on the wall and edged along it until I reached the bathroom facilities.
The door hissed open and I moved for the sink.
I splashed water over my face.
I stood there, peering at the apparition staring back at me in the mirror.
I could still feel Emma's hands on my horns, the sensual and arousing sensation of her on me.
I could still smell her femininity.
I breathed her in and felt sad when I had to exhale.
Our last moments together before the end.
And what a final moment.
It'd been everything I'd hoped fated mates were capable of—at least, with their clothes still on.
I smiled at the memory of us fighting in the holo-deck, each of us smothered head to toe with Shadow mud, and finally gazing out the observation window at the blinking stars in the velvet night.
The good stuff, before it had gone wrong.
I should have been honest with her from the start.
I should have told her everything and let the chips fall where they may.
Maybe she would have taken a different path otherwise.
It would be a regret I would carry for the rest of my life.
In the mirror, staring back at me, was the Shadow version of myself.
Iav.
At least he hadn't got his hands on her.
At least he had failed to claim her too.
And anything was better than the fate that awaited her in that situation.
Right now, she would be hurtling through space toward her homeworld, back to the life she had occupied before we gatecrashed her so unexpectedly.
I may no longer be a part of her life but that didn't mean others couldn't be.
She could be happy and have a full life.
Thump.
I pressed a hand to my chest.
It was probably the thought of her and all the regrets I had associated with her that I felt that phantom tug now.
It seemed so small, distant, and weak.
I had to remind myself it wasn't due to her being so far from me but because the bond had been Severed.
We were no longer joined on a deeper level.
She could be in the next room and the sensation would be the same.
Although I hated losing it, I clung to it as if nurturing a tender flame.
A single spark, a single breath of wind, could blow it out for good.
Maybe it would torture me in the years to come but I liked clutching it close.
I would remember her always.
And this dying ember would be my bond to that part of my past.
The bond between us might have perished but the bond to my memories still existed.
Nobody could take those from me.
I reached for a paper towel and wiped my hands and face dry.
I tossed the towel in the bin and observed the walls.
They no longer spun on their axis.
I took my hands from the tabletop and approached the door.
It hissed open.
I stepped through the doorway.
And that's when I felt it.
A return of that throb in my heart.
Heartburn?
I leaned against the door frame, my hand pressed to my chest where I'd felt the pulse.
Or had I only imagined it?
The Surgeon had said there would be phantom sensations for a while.
It was probably another of those.
I shoved off the door frame and approached the elevator.
I would tidy up the systems so I could hand the ship back to my father.
Throb.
I stumbled and caught myself on the wall.
I was too slow and banged my chin against it.
There it was again, another throb, stronger this time.
I shook my head.
The Surgeon told me this would happen.
He told me I would feel these niggling phantom pains.
Then why was my stomach twisting?
Why did my heart beat faster in an irregular rhythm?
I wiped a hand over my brow and found my fingertips soaked with a cold sweat.
Was it a belated response to the Procedure?
Or was it something more?
My instincts screamed at me that it was something else.
But what?
Something about the pulse didn't feel right.
It felt natural, not a phantom.
Or was I feeling what countless others had before me?
"Computer," I said. "Prepare the medical bay."
"For what purpose?" Computer said.
I walked as fast as my legs could carry me down the hall, feeling along the walls with my hands like a blind man.
"Scans," I said. "I want to scan myself for the bond."
"I don't think that's such a good idea, sir—"
"I need to see it," I barked. "I need to see it for myself."
Computer didn't respond for a moment.
Finally, he said:
"The Surgeon said there would be—"
"I know what he said!" I snapped. "But I'm telling you, something doesn't feel right. It's something deeper. As if… As if…"
As if she were still linked to me.
I shook my head, realizing how crazy I sounded.
The Surgeon had already warned me about these phantom feelings.
They were normal, to be expected.
"Forget it," I said. "I'm just… not used to the lack of control."
Computer was silent for a long moment as I turned to return to my room.
I could prep the ship later, or not at all.
At this point, I could care less.
"I think a scan would be okay," Computer said. "It won't do any harm and can only help alleviate your concerns."
I smiled despite myself.
"You think?"
"I don't think, sir. I compute."
"Have you begun to develop emotions, Computer?"
"Not emotions. But maybe simulations of them. I'm preparing the scanners now."
I turned a corner and approached the medical bay at the end.
"Increase light strength slowly."
"Light intensity increased by fifty percent," Computer said. "The scanner is in the corner."
Our scanners were far less sophisticated than those of the Surgeon but enough to detect my bond.
If they found nothing, it meant the bond had been Severed.
Then I would just have to accept this was my new reality.
I stumbled into the chair and the doors slid shut behind me.
"Conducting scans now," Computer said.
The chair spun around slowly.
I felt the familiar prickle of goosebumps as the stream of electricity passed through my body.
The chair completed three revolutions before the scan was complete.
"Processing data now," Computer said.
"Bring the results up on this monitor," I said, turning the monitor screen attached to the chair toward me.
The difference in quality between the scanning systems was striking.
The multiple layers that made up my physical system were built one at a time and at a slow speed.
The image was far less clear than the Surgeon's too.
"Can you see anything?" I said. "Any sign of the bond?"
Computer was silent.
"There is a great deal of information to process," Computer said. "And these scanners were not made to detect the bond."
"Wait," I said. "Back up. What's that?"
As the program rendered my nervous system and organs, the bond and its pulsing light became clearer.
Pixel by pixel, Computer rebuilt the bond in the heart of my chest.
The blood drained from my face.
"Computer… Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"
"It appears so, sir. It's your bond. It was never Severed."