40. Wanted To Be An Equal

40

WANTED TO BE AN EQUAL

" N o," Andi said, shaking her head the next week. "That's twice this has happened to me. That you kept something from me that concerned my life."

"I did it for yourowngood," Jarrett said.

"No!" she shouted. "That is what you're just telling yourself now."

One full week had gone by and she just listened to Jarrett come clean that Leo had been less than an hour from her and that they'd managed to keep him from coming to the island.

Jarrett even admitted that his brother and Jack had no idea that several names were on a watch list to even step foot on this island.

She was pissed off on one hand and relieved on the other.

"Andi," he said, running his hands through his hair. "I did it as a precaution and it paid off."

"You know how much I hated that Jack didn't tell me everything. I made you even promise to tell me and you said you would. I'd understand if there were things you couldn't, but this isn't one of them. You did this on your own with your family. This wasn't even through work."

Tears ran down her cheeks and she hated that response.

She'd been beating herself up for not being able to completely let go and worried that Jarrett wasn't telling her things. She'd been convinced it was in her head only to find out that he was hiding this from her.

She didn't want to be an obligation to him. She wanted to be an equal.

And if that meant he had to tell her he was doing something to protect her, she'd rather know that than be left guessing all the time.

"No," he said. "It wasn't. But I hoped nothing would ever come about it. I didn't expect it to now."

"I want to know everything," she said. "Every single thing that happened."

"I can't tell you all of it," he said. "And I don't even know it all because once they went to the Marshal Office I was left out of it. Jack isn't saying much either."

She ground her teeth but understood that.

"Tell me what you can," she said. "I'm so pissed. This is my life that has been up in the air. I'm the one wondering and worrying all the time. You both kept telling me everything is fine and then you walk in and tell me Leo was in Boston, so everything wasn't fine. You've been lying to me this whole time."

"No," he said. "No one is lying to you. There was no sign or indication that anyone was coming after you. What Leo said he said before he got immunity and protection. At thatpointhe was just talking and trying to get a deal. You won't say anything."

"You're damn straight I won't. I just want to move on. I need to know if I was ever even in danger."

"Listen, Andi. You were. And even Jack might not have known the extent of it so don't blame him for what he did. From what Leo confessed, the reason he started to distance himself from you after your accident was because there were threats against his sister and mother. Other guys' girlfriends. Not threats that held merit but enough that he got a feeling in his spine over it."

"I need more than that," she said.

"After you became Andi, the FBI was looking into Leo."

"I know all of that," she said.

"There was one woman who was beaten and raped. It was a message sent to everyone to fall in line."

She put her hand to her mouth. "How soon after I left?"

"A few months, maybe longer," he said. "Not close enough. You already didn't exist anymore. Leo even said, as sad as it was that you'd died, he was grateful to not worry anymore about that happening to you. He was more concerned about his sister and mother. When he was caught by the FBI it was almost a relief and he thought he was out. Losing his pharmacist license ruined his career, but he felt he could escape what he'd gotten mixed up in."

"But he didn't?" she asked.

"No. They blamed him for getting the FBI involved and them losing their sources and the time it'd take to get more. They said he owed them what they lost and he's spent years trying to pay it back. They were never letting him out and the threats against his sister were getting worse."

"I didn't even know he had a sister," she said. "He never talked about her."

Could be he was trying to protect her and maybe whoever he was in bed with had found out.

None of that was her problem. Just like she and Jack talked, people make their own choices in life.

"I'm not sure how any of that came about or where it's going. Jack has turned it back over to the Denver office. Leo isn't in Massachusetts. I'm not sure where he is."

"Not Colorado or California," she said.

"Most likely not. What we got out of it all was that he honestly believes you're dead."

Andi let out a breath. "When you told me he was here I thought for sure somehow my picture got out there. I can't keep it away no matter how much I try."

"You have to live your life. But you've done a lot to change your appearance, and you normally stay out of the way of a camera. You don't put yourself in vulnerable positions either."

"That's right," she said. "Just remember that. Even when you got upset over the influencer taking pictures. I wasn't in them. I made sure of it. And when I think someone is taking pictures around me, I have sunglasses on or a hat or I turn my head."

"I've seen all those things," he said. "But I can't help the fact that I've worried. I love you. This isn't a concern that you're going to twist an ankle tripping. This is your life I was worried about."

She didn't need it voiced like that. The same way her father had done for years when she got in trouble for being a typical teen.

"I need to be able to live my life. I've been spending most of it in fear. It was horrible in Tulsa. Every move I made Isecond-guessedmyself. I worried someone would see me or one of the lies I'd be telling would get tripped up."

"You don't like to lie," he said. "I know. It's not easy. And you're mad because you think I lied to you when I didn't. I might have omitted things, but you know why."

"It doesn't make it any easier," she said. "You know I want to trust you."

"I need you to know you can trust me. You think you can't because I set up a layer of protection on this island. But you don't realize it wasn't just for you. I've got family here too. As Mac lectured me for not letting him know, he had no plan in place prior. He knew what I told him when it happened. He had to not only keep an eye out for you but also for his family and the rest of the island. I put him in a bad spot."

"You felt the burn on that, didn't you?" she asked. She was glad he was getting some of that. That it wasn't okay to just do his own thing and leave everyone in the dark.

"I did and I'll continue to. I'm not going to say I messed up because if I didn't think to do what I had, then we wouldn't have been able to put this to bed with you."

She couldn't argue that point, but it didn't stop the hurt.

"I'm thrilled to know that that threat is gone. Ireallyam. And maybe I shouldn't be so mad that Jack did what he had when I thought for months he overreacted."

"He didn't," Jarrett said. "Believe that. None of us can predict what is going to happen, but we can only do the best we can with the information we've got."

It just reminded her of the conversation she had with Jack prior.

There were no guarantees in life. Her father was a prime example.

She'd never know what he was thinking back then to do what he had. She had to stop dwelling on it too.

"I know," she said. "But it feels like most times the information I've got ishalf assed."

"Listen, Andi. You're pissed at me."

"I'm hurt! I'm upset. You didn't trust me enough to tell me these things."

"It's not about trust!" he shouted. "It's about protecting you. It's about your mental ability to live with this shit hanging over you. How do you think it would have been if you thought the threat was greater than what you were told? If you knew we had all these things in place? Would it have relieved you or would you have been looking over your shoulder even more rather than trying to blend in and just experience life as Andi Benson?"

She blinked a few times. He'd never yelled like this before. Never got this angry either.

"I would have been scared," she admitted. "I would have thought that even though you were telling me everything was fine,that youwere keeping things from me."

"That's right. What I had Griffin do would have only added to your stress and anxiety and it wouldn't have changed a thing that happened other than make you miserable during that time. Aren't I allowed as the man who loves you totake that into consideration?"

"He's right, Andi." She turned her head when the front door opened and Jack was standing there. "I won't even give you shit about not having your door locked right now."

She threw her hands up in the air. No reason to ask why Jack was here. It felt like the two of them were ganging up on her just like they had when Jack told Jarrett first he was moving here.

Because they wanted to make sure she wouldn't worry or get upset.

Just like Jarrett said now.

She let out a breath and sat down on the couch. "We have to move past this. I'm not sure how I can. I want to. I'm not Colleen Huntington anymore. I miss her but not as much as I thought because Luke Huntington isn't in this world to be with her."

"Whether your name is Colleen or Andi," Jack said, "you're still the same person."

"No," she said. "I'm not. I never thought I was naive before. My father made sure of it. But I didn't realize how dangerous and crazy this world is. How precious it could be. Now I know."

Both Jarrett and Jack sat in the same chairs they had on New Year'sDaywhile she tried to explain what was going on in her life.

Guess she was guilty of keeping secrets too and all it did was backfire on everyone in the end.

Though looking around this living room, not much backfired other than hurt feelings everyone was trying to work through.

She found the man she loved and didn't want to live without him sitting next to the man who was her only "family" and both men seemed to get along well enough too.

"It's time to move on," Jack said. "For all of us. You're Andi Benson. That's your name. You live on Amore Island and have a great fun jobandfriends and a boyfriend. A normal life for the world to see."

"I'm not sure what is normal anymore," she said. She got upandmoved over to Jarrett's chair and sat on his lap. "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of running. I'm safe and secure on this island. That much has been proven."

"You are," he said, rubbing her back. "You always will be. But you'll be fine off the island too. You're stronger than I give you credit for and I have to remind myself of that too."

"The same," Jack said.

"Did Jarrett ask you to come here today?" she asked. "For backup with me?"

"I had no idea he was coming," Jarrett said.

"I did it because I owed him," Jack said. "What he did was make it possible to put your mind at ease. Mine too. Most likely his with it. There truly seems to be little to no threat against you now."

"Meaning I don't have to be Andi Benson anymore?" she asked.

"I wouldn't advise it, but it's your choice," Jack said.

She looked at Jarrett and he wasn't opening his mouth and for that reason alone, she said the decision she'd already made.

"I like being Andi. I like the life I've got here. I don't want to change it. None of it. And I expect if anything changes just a little bit, I get let into the loop too. No more worrying that I might be stressed or not be able to handle it. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but if that happens, I know I've got you both to get me through. Promise me that."

"I promise, Andi," he said.

"I promise, Andrea," Jack said, winking at her.

"Then I love you both and this is where I'm staying and living out the rest of my life, regardless of what my name is."

"Well said," Jarrett said, giving her a tight squeeze. "Am I somewhat forgiven?"

"For now," she said, laughing. "Just don't do it again."

"Never."