Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty-Three

H ow many times had JT dreamed of this moment?

The answer was higher than the number of days that had passed since the holiday party in which he destroyed the only good thing in his life.

Now, against all odds, Lex was in his arms. Spent. His cock still buried inside her. But it wasn’t just sex with Lex. It never had been. From their first kiss, there had been so much more between them.

That initial kiss had been inspired by her need to claim autonomy and ownership of her body, and he’d walked a tightrope in giving her power while he made it clear he wasn’t interested in being used and forgotten. He wanted more.

He’d always wanted more.

More, he’d discovered later, than he was willing to give her.

But those days were behind him. Now, he would give her everything. No holding back.

“I love you, Alexandra. Lex. Muffin. Elf… My former fiancée. My partner. My ex-girlfriend. My support. My heart. Through all the roles you’ve played in my life, I have loved you. Even when I was a beast and didn’t deserve you. I have and always will love you, and nothing you say or do now can change that.”

She sucked in a sharp breath but said nothing. He knew it was too much to hope she’d return the words. He didn’t deserve it, and she had plenty of reason to be cautious.

He’d set fire to every bridge she’d built between them.

“You don’t need to say anything. I just needed to let you know how I feel. I know I don’t deserve another chance. You gave me too many, and I squandered every one.”

She shifted so he was no longer inside her, but remained straddling his lap. She pressed her forehead to his. “It’s not just me anymore, JT.”

He inhaled deeply, taking in Lex’s scent. “I love Gemma. More than I ever imagined I could love a child.”

“Loving her isn’t enough. You love your niece, don’t you?”

“Sure. But Gemma is different. Because she’s yours.” He knew his mistake the moment he said the word.

She slid from his lap, grabbing the throw blanket and covering her naked body. He took the opportunity to tuck himself back in his pants and button the fly, leaving only the top button undone. He’d rather be stripping completely, but this conversation would go better clothed.

Lex must’ve done the same calculation because she set aside the blanket and pulled the flannel shirt back on. She slipped on her panties, then settled on the couch beside him. “Loving her because she’s mine isn’t enough either. You have to love her so much, you’d do anything for her. Sacrifice anything to protect her. You wouldn’t be simply playing at dad. You’d have to be a dad. You’d have to love her like she’s yours .”

Unsaid was the simple truth: Gemma wasn’t his. But he didn’t care about that. “Gemma is absolutely perfect just the way she is. I don’t care that she doesn’t carry my DNA. If that mattered to me, I’d be a hypocritical asshole, wouldn’t I?”

The look on Lex’s face made his gut clench. But then, she had no reason to think he wouldn’t be a hypocritical asshole on this point. He’d been horrible to her on this very topic—getting a vasectomy without telling her, then accusing her of wanting to trap him with pregnancy so she could get his bank account when he’d always known she wanted a child and had never been after his money.

He did not deserve the benefit of the doubt here.

“I couldn’t love Gemma more if she were mine. It’s not her biology that matters. She’s her own special person and the piece you were missing that I wouldn’t give you. I love her for bringing you joy. I love her for her. And I will sacrifice everything to keep you both safe. I would spend my last dime to keep you from prison. I will move overseas with you both if we have to.”

“My daughter isn’t going to live a life on the run for a crime I didn’t commit. No. I need to know that if I go to prison, you’ll be there for her. Raise her as your own daughter. That’s the kind of love I need you to have for her. You’d have to love her even if I’m not part of the package.”

Joe had always told Lee he was his son, that he loved him and would do anything for him. But JT had seen the video—over and over—of what Joseph Talon Sr. had done when his former stepson stepped in front of the gun Joe had pointed at Erica.

Joe would have pulled the trigger. Shot the man he’d helped raise and who loved him like a father.

With an example like that, it was no wonder Lex didn’t trust his newfound parental feelings. The truth was, he’d loved Gemma even before he met her simply for the fact that she was Alexandra’s child. What had surprised him this week was that he could love her for herself.

He cleared his throat. “Can I give you an early Christmas present?”

She glanced toward the pile of presents under the tree. “If it’s jewelry, you’ve already gotten laid.” She huffed out a breath and muttered, “Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that.”

He ran a hand over his face. “No. I deserved that and so much more. We both know how much I liked giving you jewelry back then and why, but I never should have said it at the party like I did. It was unforgivable. I am ashamed and deeply sorry.”

She leaned her head on his shoulder. “If it makes you feel better, it made you look far worse than it did me. I’m fairly certain every person at that table was cheering me on when I left.”

“Hundred percent. The only reason I survived the fallout is I sign all the paychecks. But human resources has a thick file on how uncomfortable I made everyone there. I wouldn’t be surprised if even Lee filed a complaint.”

She smiled. “He’s a good egg.”

“Erica lit into me, and she has yet to forgive—not that I ever expect her to. But I sabotaged more than our relationship that night.”

She ran a finger down his leg, pinching the fabric of his jeans. He remembered this tick of hers. Rubbing cloth between her fingers as she considered her words. “You want to know what I did with all the jewelry you gave me?”

“I assumed you sold it. I hope you got what it was worth.”

She gave him a soft smile. “I got so much more.” Her hand left his thigh and landed on her belly. “I had trouble conceiving even with grade A sperm bank goods and tracking ovulation to the second. I turned to fertility treatment. I spent two years riding that roller coaster. IVF—when one finally gets to that point—isn’t cheap, but it was thankfully a lot less expensive in Switzerland. I sold several pieces of jewelry to pay for treatment. It took three rounds before I was able to carry to term.” She took a deep breath. “So. I have your gifts to thank for my Gemma. My Gem.”

His breath left him in a rush. “Her name. She’s named after the jewels that paid for her conception and birth.”

She took his hand, threading her fingers between his. “I would never give my daughter a spiteful name. I love her with the weight of all the matter in the universe. I enjoyed your gifts. They made me feel pretty, sexy, and loved. The moments we shared with them were special to me. But then, when I was done with them, when they no longer brought me joy, I used them to buy myself the one thing I desperately wanted. I couldn’t have you, but I could have her. I feel incredibly lucky that IVF worked for me. That I could afford it. I know people who’ve had the same struggle without success and who spent their life savings just for the attempt. I’m happy , JT, and so utterly thankful for your gifts that made her possible. Your gifts also covered a hefty downpayment on my house and financed my yearlong maternity leave. I’d be in a very different financial situation if it weren’t for you.”

His heart pounded as he took in her words. She’d taken the gifts he’d tainted with nasty words and turned them into something unbelievably beautiful.

A baby girl who told knock-knock jokes and had the sweetest giggle he’d ever heard.

He pulled Lex onto his lap again and buried his face in her neck. “Your daughter is amazing, and I’m so glad my gifts gave you her and the financial security you needed.”

The knot that had held his heart in a tight grip for years loosened ever so slightly. He hadn’t been a complete disaster for Lex. More important, if they’d stayed together, she wouldn’t have Gemma, because he never would have changed his mind when it came to children.

Her lips touched his neck, then she snuggled against him. “We had to follow different paths. Where we were back then wasn’t the place we were meant to be.”

That sounded more woo than the theoretical physicist he once knew, but he guessed they’d both evolved from the people they were when they were younger.

“Why didn’t you ever run for office?” she asked. “You could have overcome the senator’s bad press. We’ve seen more shocking political comebacks.”

“After you left, I started to question why I wanted it at all. And what it did to my dad. I know you won’t believe it, but Joe was a good man.”

“Oh, I believe it. I did get to know him after all. The man who cared about people and wanted to create change, who strove to make the world a better one than the one he grew up in.”

“He was all that. And he got lost in the contest. The polling. Fixing the game. The broken system. He grew up in an utterly broken system, so he got it in his head that it was fine for him to work around the same system that would lock him out of power. He and I talked about it a lot in those last two years.”

“You never told me that.”

“I didn’t know if you’d understand. He was never really kind to you, and after what he did to Erica, I worried you’d think I was making excuses for him. And maybe I am. But he was my dad. I loved him. Still do.”

“I never would have held that against you. Nor would Erica. Lee’s had his own struggles on that front.”

“Yeah. We finally started talking about that before Gracie was born. Impending fatherhood will do that. Joe was the best father he’d ever had—and Lee had three.”

“Is that…why you didn’t want children?” She paused and shook her head. “Sorry. That’s out of line. You don’t have to justify your reasons any more than I would need to justify wanting children. We are who we are.”

“That’s true for a rando asking personal questions, but not for a woman who once agreed to marry me. And I don’t have an easy answer. It just didn’t feel like something I could go all in on. Hell, Lex, we both know I wasn’t able to go all in on you . Think about how messed up it would have been to bring a kid into our world back then. My gut said it wasn’t for me.”

It was difficult to say the words because while he knew they were true, he also knew something had shifted inside him this week. Needing to step up for Gemma had changed him. His gut now felt very different about one child in particular.

It didn’t mean his past self had been wrong. Hell, if anything, it confirmed that the man he’d been before hadn’t been parent material. Still, Lex and Gemma could walk out of his life tomorrow and he wouldn’t stop loving them. Just as he’d never stopped loving Lex. More surprising was that the idea didn’t destroy him. Because it wasn’t about him . It was about their happiness and what they needed.

He shifted on the couch. “I’m going to give you that present now.”

She shook her head, letting out a small laugh. “I forgot that’s where the conversation started. I’m afraid I don’t have any gifts for you.”

He kissed her nose. “You already gave me the greatest gift of all.”

“Ahh. Just like our first Christmas Eve together.”

“Why attempt to improve upon perfection? You will always be my favorite gift.” He rose from the couch and grabbed the package he’d wrapped with paper he found in the attic. He’d stolen a bow from one of the old gifts to dress it up.

“Technically, this is for Gemma.”

Her brow furrowed. “Okay, now I’m really baffled. How could there be a present for Gemma in the forgotten gift hoard?”

“Just open it.”

He felt strangely nervous. Would his gift make her angry?

She wasn’t a neat present opener. He’d always like that about her—she ripped with gusto. She frowned at the manila envelope revealed by torn paper.

She grinned. “Definitely exciting stuff for a toddler.”

“She told me in the car on the way here she wanted to play ‘home office’ and needed files and a filing cabinet to make it work.”

Lex snorted. “That’s my girl.” She flicked open the metal clasp and slid out the thick sheaf of papers.

She scanned the top sheet. Gemma Vargas was in all caps and not to be missed. She looked up sharply. “What is this?”

“A few things. College fund. Trust fund that will be hers at twenty-five.”

The same age Lex had been when they first met. He’d wanted to give her everything then, but she wouldn’t let him.

He cleared his throat. “The last one is my will, which I update every year. You’ve been my primary beneficiary since before we got engaged. I added Gemma to ensure that if anything happens to both of us, she’ll be taken care of.”

Alexandra was on her feet. “Taken care of? Like life insurance taken care of?”

“No. She gets everything not specifically willed to Lee and his family. Same thing you would get if you survive me.”

“Lord, JT, I have never been certain I would survive you.”

He pulled her into his arms. “Everything I have is yours. It always has been. I never changed the will except to add more assets and now Gemma as a beneficiary. Honestly, I’d give it all up if I could have you back. What’s the point in having all the money in the world if I can’t share it with you?”

“Buying Christmas presents for homeless kids?”

“I’ll always do that. Hell, after I sell T&D, I’ll have more time and money to devote to that and other charities. Maybe by the time I’m done, I’ll have given it all away and Gemma will only get a nice college fund. But whatever I have when I leave this earth will go to you and Gemma. Outside of Lee, you’re my only family. It doesn’t matter that we’re not married or that Gemma’s not mine. You’re the family I choose even if you won’t choose me.”

“I’ve always chosen you. But it’s not just about me and what I want now. It’s Gemma you need to win over, and you can’t buy her off. You’ve got to love her. Change her diapers and put her in time out and…who knows how she’ll be in the terrible twos, and we’re not even talking about how difficult adolescence can be…”

“Will you let me try? Consider every day for the next ten years an audition, and if I pass, maybe consider marrying me? Eventually let me adopt her?”

She rose on her toes and pressed her lips to his. “Your audition started when you picked Gemma up from Lee’s.”