Prologue

Upper Marlborough, Maryland

December

A lexandra Vargas would give anything to find a way to fall out of love with JT Talon. Given the way he’d been treating her for the last several months, one would think it would be easy. But her heart made excuses for him.

He was grieving both the loss of his respect for his father, and now that Joseph Talon Sr. had entered hospice, he was grieving the man’s impending death.

She paused and studied her reflection before she applied eyeliner. More than anything, she wanted to stay home tonight, drink spiked eggnog, and hate watch Love Actually . She disliked ninety percent of the story threads but still found the movie compellingly watchable.

But her annual holiday viewing wasn’t in the cards tonight. No, she was JT’s date for the Talon & Drake end-of-year party. It capped off a week in which the top employees from each branch had flown in for a summit, and now that the big meetings were done, it was time to play.

The problem was, engineers didn’t know how to play, not to mention that JT was in a foul mood and had been for months. Still, she’d made the choice to stand beside him when his life imploded two and a half years ago. She and JT had officially broken up when she called off the wedding four years ago, but they’d been on the path to reconciliation when Joseph Talon Sr. was arrested, and it had been so easy to slide back into the role of girlfriend because JT had been hurting and needed her.

Tonight, she’d play her part as his date, dressed pretty and wearing the expensive necklace he’d given her as an early Christmas present. At least Erica and Lee would be there. Lee didn’t work for the company, but he was one-third owner, having purchased Edward Drake’s shares when he went to prison. Technically, the company name should be changed to Talon & Scott, but Lee didn’t want his name on the letterhead. They were moving to just call it T&D as a soft rebrand.

In a lot of ways, tonight’s party really mattered on that journey for the company. Two and a half years wasn’t a lot of time for an engineering firm to shift direction, but JT had pulled it off and he deserved this celebration.

It was a shame he was too angry to enjoy it.

She finished applying makeup and pulled on the couture gown JT had insisted she get for this event. He and his father were too much alike in some ways. The women at their side must always be perfect and dressed in a manner suitable for the pages of Vogue . Joe had been a politician with his sights set on the presidency, and JT had intended to follow in all of his father’s footsteps.

Alexandra had been a contender for the role of political wife, but she’d conceded a week before the wedding. Still, she dressed for the part to please JT, because the times he surfaced from the darkness and truly saw her were reminiscent of the early days, when falling in love with him had been as easy as breathing.

She looked with longing at her yoga pants and sweatshirt. Tomorrow night, she’d make a giant bowl of popcorn and binge-watch all the holiday movies. Maybe Erica would join her.

“What’s taking so long?” JT shouted from the living room. “We need to go.”

She growled under her breath. They had plenty of time.

After putting on the necklace, she sat on the bed and fastened the stilettos he insisted she wear. In the early days, once she’d gotten used to accepting his gifts, she’d loved this part. The shoes. The clothes. Even the jewels. It had made her feel beautiful and powerful, and JT had showered her with the best kind of attention.

But that magic was long gone, and none of it excited her anymore.

She wanted comfy clothes and an evening at home. She wanted to make love with him when the mood struck in whatever room they happened to be in. She wanted lazy weekend mornings.

But if she couldn’t have any of that, she wanted a baby, which was the one thing JT would never give her.

It was one of the reasons she’d called off the wedding. But still, four years later, even though they’d broken up so she could find a man to love who also wanted children, she was still with him and only him.

Because she loved him and didn’t know how to stop.

The problem was, ever since the fallout with his father, he was no longer emotionally available to her. She loved him but didn’t have him. And she didn’t have a baby. And as long as things continued on this trajectory, she’d never have either.

She placed her hand on her belly. She’d realized an hour ago that her period was late—nearly two weeks—and had spent a frantic half hour searching the cabinet for a pregnancy test, but those would be at the apartment she shared with Kendall, not at the Talon Maryland estate.

She told herself it was just stress and resumed getting ready for the party.

If she were pregnant, JT would go through the roof.

She stood and twirled before the mirror, checking her appearance for flaws before leaving the bedroom to face the love of her life.

He wore a tailored suit and looked achingly handsome.

JT had celebrated his fortieth birthday in September, and the years looked great on him. Tall, with thick dark hairandbrown, brooding eyes. He had his own dojo in DC where he worked out with Lee and Curt and a few other friends on a regular basis. He was even more fit than he’d been when they first met nine years ago.

He was brilliant, handsome, toned, and extremely wealthy. During the year after she called off the wedding, when they were truly broken up, tabloids had published photos of him with models and famous athletes by his side. He’d been auditioning high-profile women for the role of politician’s wife, she’d presumed.

That was one thing Alexandra had lacked—her own platform. She’d earned her PhD a year after their breakup. Now she was teaching at a university, but her own research had stalled. She had applied for a research fellowship in theoretical physics at CERN but couldn’t imagine leaving JT when he so clearly needed her.

Which was ridiculous. Her life and goals were just as important as his.

JT’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he studied her. “You look beautiful.”

His tone said he meant it, and she felt that old rush only he triggered. “Thank you. Worth the wait?”

He placed a hand around her waist and pulled her to him. He lightly brushed his lips over hers—careful not to muss her lipstick—and said, “Always.”

She wanted this moment to continue. For them to throw caution to the wind and have a quickie right here and now. She could fix her hair and makeup and then she’d have a dirty secret all night as she watched him work the party.

She tugged at his lapels and pulled him to her. “We still have time, you know. Why don’t I take off the dress but leave on the necklace and heels, and you can fuck me right here?”

“You like that, don’t you? Getting fucked while wearing nothing but a thirty-thousand-dollar necklace.”

She’d had no idea the necklace cost that much. It was outrageous to spend that much on jewelry. Later, she’d talk to him about selling it and donating the money to charity, but for tonight, she’d wear the precious gems that were perfectly displayed just above the dip of her cleavage.

“What I like is the way you look at me as you fuck me when I’m wearing nothing but your jewels.” She needed to see that look. To feel like she mattered to him as much as he mattered to her. “Please, JT. I want you. Now.”

He shook his head. “After the party. I promise.”

“I’m going to hold you to it. I need you, JT.”

His face flashed with emotion. Pain. Regret. Did he know how distant he’d been over the last several months?

“I’ll do better, Lex.”

Yes. He knew. And his words gave her a surge of hope. Maybe they could find their way back to each other. If she had JT, she could be content without a baby. What she couldn’t tolerate was having neither.

Again, her thoughts flitted to her missing period. No. She couldn’t be pregnant. Her birth control was up to date. It was just stress.

“What’s wrong?” JT asked.

She shrugged. She wouldn’t tell him before she took a pregnancy test. No point in freaking him out unnecessarily. “Nothing. Let’s get the party over with so we can come home and make love.”

He gave her his killer smile that always melted her panties. “The things I’m going to do to you later tonight.”

Hope shone bright. Lord, how she wanted JT back. Given that she hadn’t found a way to fall out of love with him, getting him to love her again was her only option.

T he party was being held in a DC hotel ballroom, a different venue from the first T&D holiday party Alexandra had attended nine years ago. That party—the night she met JT—had been held at the Menanichoch tribal casino.

She scanned the ballroom, searching for her roommate, Kendall, who worked for T&D’s Bethesda office. She spotted Kendall in the back corner chatting with her boyfriend, Brent Forbes.

Brent was not Alexandra’s favorite person. She’d been upset when the two reconciled again last year. Not that she could throw stones given her equally inconsistent relationship with JT. Still, Brent had earned her dislike, and she decided to put off greeting the roommate she hadn’t seen in several weeks because she preferred JT’s estate to their apartment now that Brent was back in the picture.

Her mood improved when Erica and Lee arrived. Erica had quit her job at Talon & Drake just months after everything went down with Joe, but she was still friends with her old boss, Janice. Erica, Janice, and Alexandra gathered at the edge of the room while JT and Lee worked the party filled with senior engineers and branch managers from all over the world.

Erica talked about her job as an underwater archaeologist for the US Navy, gesturing broadly as she told a tale about a navy airplane that was being raised from Lake Superior.

Janice frowned and reached for Erica’s waving hand. “Did something happen to your ring?” She glanced toward Lee. “Is everything okay between you two?”

Erica sighed and mumbled, “I knew I should have worn it.”

“What’s wrong?” Alexandra said. She’d been so focused on her troubles with JT, she hadn’t noticed that cracks had been forming in Erica and Lee’s relationship.

“We’re fine. I love him like crazy and he loves me. It’s just that—he wants kids, and I don’t know if I can be a good mom. It terrifies the hell out of me. I don’t want to trap him in a marriage without kids. It feels selfish.”

Alexandra sucked in a deep breath. She’d never shared with anyone—and was fairly certain JT hadn’t either—why she’d called off the wedding.

Could she do so now? Would it make a difference to Erica—or even herself—to hear the other side of her conundrum from someone navigating the opposite situation?

But then, Erica and Lee were wildly in love. Which was not the situation with JT anymore. Sure, Alexandra loved him, but sometimes she wondered if he even liked her these days.

He was so moody and cold.

She remembered the look he’d given her earlier, and heat flooded her.

Nothing cold about that.

She cleared her throat. “JT and I have struggled with that question for years.”

Erica’s brows drew together. “Really?”

Janice gave a soft smile. “As a T&D employee, I think it’s best if I leave you two to talk. Erica, know that I support you, always.”

As Janice walked away, Erica murmured, “I really love that woman.”

“I’m sorry if my confession drove her off.”

Erica shrugged, “It’s fine. You and I need to talk, and she’s right. Lee might not be active in company management, but both he and JT are essentially her bosses. It’s best to keep this stuff private. Especially given how much JT has been struggling.”

“You know about that?”

“Honey, everyone knows. Lee’s worried. He’s been so grateful to you for sticking by him. I thought he’d told you that?”

“He has, but…I thought JT was doing a better job of hiding his struggle since then. Especially with Lee, given what Joe did to you both.”

“Lee and JT went to see Joe in hospice yesterday.”

Alexandra let out a gasp. “JT didn’t tell me that. I mean, I knew JT went, but I didn’t know Lee was there. Was it the first time Lee’s seen him since the sentencing?”

Erica nodded. “I had to push him to go. Remind him he’d regret it when Joe is gone.”

“How…how was it?”

Erica’s gaze shifted to Lee as he stood twenty feet away, chatting with a small group of people. JT was nowhere to be seen.

“I think it went as well as could be expected. Joe cried and told Lee he’s sorry again, that he loves him, and he asked for forgiveness.”

“But Lee isn’t there yet. He’s not ready to forgive.”

“No, he’s not. I don’t know if he ever will be. And honestly, I think it’s shitty to ask for forgiveness from your deathbed. Talk about a mind fuck. The pressure.”

“But I get why he did it,” Alexandra said.

“Yeah. Same.” Erica bit her lip. “Sometimes I just want Lee to forgive Joe so we can put it behind us and move on, but who am I to talk? I can’t forgive my dead mother, and because of her, I’m terrified of having kids with the man I love. That’s why I told Lee we shouldn’t say we’re engaged anymore. It doesn’t feel right until I know I can give him what he wants.”

“But Erica, Lee loves you. And he obviously loves you enough to want to marry you even knowing you might not ever want kids. If he’s saying that, he means it. Believe me, I know. Hold on tight and marry him.”

“Is that what happened with you and JT, why you broke up?”

She gave a slow nod. “Except it went the other way. I want kids. He doesn’t. There were other factors, but that was one of the biggest.”

“But here you are, years later, still together.”

“I can’t seem to stop loving him. I tried dating, and…no one else made me feel like he did. The problem is, we never had a big fight or anything. Hell, even now, when he’s being an absolute ass half the time and I’m not entirely certain he even likes me, I can’t leave him. Believe me, I want to at times. But then, other times, he looks at me like he used to, and dammit, I just…melt.”

I t was clear when they sat down to dinner that JT had been drinking, which was odd because he usually limited himself at these kinds of events. They’d had champagne in the limousine on the way here, but usually, that was where his drinking stopped, with the exception of a glass of wine with dinner.

Still, she wouldn’t judge. She’d had drinks while chatting with Erica, and it wasn’t like either of them were driving. Plus, it was quite literally his party. He could drink all he wanted. It was just a shame that her plans for his body later might be hindered if he had too much to drink.

It wasn’t until the second course was served that she started to worry. He wasn’t slurring, but he was getting mean. JT wasn’t a mean drunk, at least he hadn’t been in the years they were officially together. But the last two years, everything had been different.

JT had a lot of anger inside him, and it was constantly searching for ways to break out. Alcohol opened a dangerous door.

Of course, as the boss and majority owner of the company, he could do what he wanted here without risking his career. And given the damage Joseph Talon had done, there was no harm he could do to his reputation that was on par with that. The owner getting drunk at his own holiday party wouldn’t impact the company in a negative way.

Still, Alexandra was on edge. This wasn’t the JT she loved. She’d had a brief glimpse of him tonight, but those glimpses were getting fewer and further between. Would that man disappear eventually?

An hour ago, Erica had asked her a question she’d never considered: if JT asked her to marry him again, what would she say?

She’d blurted out yes without thinking, shocking herself and making her wonder if that was what she’d been waiting for these last two years.

She thought of the man who’d smiled at her earlier and promised to do better. Who’d looked at her with heat in his eyes that dispelled the loneliness that too often filled the space between them.

That man she’d marry without regret.

But that man wasn’t sitting next to her at this dinner table. No, that man had been left in the limousine.

She felt JT’s gaze and turned to see him studying her cleavage with the strategically placed emerald surrounded by small diamonds. Then his gaze flicked across the round table to Calvin Moss, the Baltimore branch manager. “You checking out my date’s tits or the jewels, Calvin?”

The man stiffened. “Neither, JT.”

She hadn’t noticed if Calvin had been looking, nor would she care if he had. The dress and jewels begged eyes to go there. Erica had joked about not being able to take her eyes off the display. “And the big emerald isn’t bad either.”

“Cool it, JT. Don’t give me jewelry or ask me to wear dresses like this if you’re going to be an ass when people look.”

“But how will I get you to suck my dick if I don’t give you diamonds?”

Erica gasped, and Alexandra bolted to her feet. She yanked at the necklace and would have dropped it on JT’s plate, but naturally, something that valuable had a solid clasp, so all she did was risk a welt at the back of her neck.

She strode from the table as tears burned her eyes. If that was the kind of thing that came out of JT’s mouth when he’d been drinking, what was going on in his head when he was sober?

She made it to the corridor that led to the ladies’ room before JT caught up with her.

“Go away, JT.” She didn’t want to talk to him when he was like this.

“I’m not going to apologize.”

“Naturally. You never do.”

“We both know the only reason you’ve stuck around these last two years is for the money. The clothes. The gifts.”

“If you believe that, you don’t know me at all.”

“You gambled I’d change my mind about kids when you called off the wedding, but you lost that bet. I heard what you said to Erica, that you want me to propose again. I get it. You miss having full access to my wallet. You expect me to believe kids are no longer a deal-breaker for you?” He shook his head. “Right.”

He then smirked at her. “You should know, Muffin, you can’t force my hand by getting pregnant. I took care of that last year when you were in Switzerland for two months. I got cut. So no matter how many holes you poke in your diaphragm, you aren’t getting my sperm.”

Hurt seared her. A sharp, hot pain right in the chest. Not that he’d gotten a vasectomy, but that he’d hidden it from her. Not only hadn’t he trusted her, he viewed her as conniving.

She’d spent the last two and a half years trying to help this man get back on emotionally level ground. She’d pulled the entirety of the emotional weight of their relationship to help him . And he’d gotten a secret vasectomy so he could fuck her without fear of fatherhood.

“Well, that’s a relief, then. When I was getting ready for tonight, I realized my period was late, and I was worried about how you’d react if I was pregnant.”

“If you’re pregnant, the kid isn’t mine. Who else have you been fucking?”

“No one, asshole. I’m relieved because what you just told me means I can’t be pregnant unless your vasectomy was botched or you’re lying to me.”

“If you’re pregnant, you’ll never get a dime of my money. All your scheming for nothing. Fucking around without birth control to better your odds of conceiving. Really stupid for a woman with a genius IQ.”

She stared at him, shocked by everything he considered her capable of.

She held his gaze for a moment, then, without a word, turned and headed for the hotel lobby and the exit. She’d take a taxi to the apartment she shared with Kendall, grateful she’d made the choice to keep her own address after she’d essentially moved in with JT last year.

After years of wanting to fall out of love with JT, her wish had finally been granted.