Chapter Forty-Seven

Ethel vs. Queen Galantha

Vince

“What?” The queen looked more confused than anything else. “Who are you? You don’t think what? What does that even mean?”

“Timing’s a little off, Ethel,” I muttered to myself as the tiny old lady shuffled deeper into the room.

Behind her, about two dozen more elderly women—some hunched with age, some wiry and keen-eyed, some still actually knitting—filed into the room, looking around with interest and murmuring to each other with their wavering voices like they were at an art gallery. One took a crumpled tissue out of her purse and blew her nose loudly. Another produced a tin of hard butterscotch candies and began offering them around. There was one near the back, a tiny little thing with a puff of blue-white hair and knobbly knuckles, who didn’t stop knitting or even glance up for a second. There was an intense—almost unnervingly intense—look of concentration on her face, like she was determine to finish the wool hat she was making before shit went down.

Freddie led the mob of old ladies, immediately scanning the crowd and giving me a nod when he spotted me. I suppressed my grin, nodding back and darting a look at the queen to gauge her reaction. She was staring at the group of elderly ladies with an almost comically unimpressed look on her face. Beside her, Crossbody was sagging with relief.

There was a moment of quiet confusion in the room as the queen’s guards hesitantly stepped forward, then back again, not sure whether to treat the cluster of little old ladies as a potential threat to their queen or not. Then one awkwardly cleared his throat and gestured, saying something to the others in another language—but his tone was clearly resigned—before they all half-heartedly drew their weapons and surrounded Galantha. Several were suppressing amused smiles. A few others looked bored.

Crossbody took the opportunity to hurriedly lead Ianthe over to me so they were both safely away from the queen and the imminent chaos that these elderly women were sure to cause.

“You okay?” I muttered, grabbing his hand and giving it a brief squeeze. “You did great.”

“So you’re the one,” Ianthe murmured, peering around Crossbody to give me a tiny smile. “Nice to meet you.”

“Uh.” I wasn’t sure what she meant, but now wasn’t the time to ask, so I just smiled back. “Nice to meet you too. Sorry about all this.”

“Oh no, it’s fine.” Her voice was hushed but cheerful. “I’m fully on board. And very grateful that Elvis filled me in beforehand.”

“Who are you?” Queen Galantha said again to Ethel, peering over a guard’s head to scowl at her. “How did you get in here?”

Ethel shrugged. “Just know the right people in the right places.”

The queen’s nostrils flared, but she looked more irritated than intimidated. “This is utterly ridiculous. How dare you come into my palace—no, my queendom— without my permi—”

“I do what I want, lady,” Ethel declared. “You’re not the queen of anything outside of this little patch of land. Which means you got no business coming into my turf, in my world, and threatening the good citizens who live there.”

Galantha gritted her teeth, a touch of cold anger bleeding into her eyes. “What goes on between me and my son is of no concern to you— ”

“It is when you start threatening him. And other friends of mine, running respectable businesses, working respectable jobs.”

“Again, who exactly are you?” Galantha sneered, looking down her nose at Ethel. “Just a wizened old hag who—”

“I like to think I’m a queen of sorts myself, actually.” Ethel smoothed back her wispy blue-rinse hair.

“That’s right, mimi,” Freddie called encouragingly. “You’re a queen to us.”

“Thank you, bubs.” Ethel peered back to give her grandson an affectionate smile.

“This is pathetic.” Galantha snorted in derision. “So you are what—the Queen of the Crones? Am I supposed to be impressed or intimidated by this? By you? ” She looked over at Crossbody, and her expression morphed into a disgusted, seething glare. “ This was your plan to try and worm your way out of your duties? Asking a decrepit hag to fight your battles for you—”

“I don’t think the name-calling is necessary, do you?” Ethel said sternly.

Galantha’s nostrils flared with outrage. “You called me a bitch.”

“That’s true. That was a low blow. I apologise for that. Anyway”—Ethel peered over at us with a nod—“we’ll be leaving now with your lovely son, and you’re going to let him live his life in peace. Yes?”

“What?” Galantha let out an incredulous laugh. “You don’t get to talk to me like that. You don’t get to tell me what I will be doing with my son. He’s my property. He will do what I—”

“He’s not property. He’s a person.” Ethel took a threatening step forward and seemed to swell in size. “You’re getting my temper up, dear.”

“Oh no, how utterly terrifying .” Galantha rolled her eyes, then she jerked her chin at Ethel and told her guards, “I’m bored of this now. Get rid of them.”

“Hold on.” Ethel frowned, paying no attention to the guards who began to approach, pointing their weapons at her. “We’re not quite done here, dearie.”

Galantha barked out a harsh laugh as she spun back around. “And I’m not quite sure why you still think you have any say in what is happening, hag. You are in my queendom. My palace. That worthless coward”—she pointed a sharp finger at Crossbody, and I bristled immediately—“is my son, so you don’t get to tell me what I do with him—”

“That is enough .” Ethel’s voice suddenly boomed through the cavernous room, deeper and rougher and growlier than before. In an instant, her body grew at least three times in size, her back hunching as a line of spikes burst from beneath her floral dress.

In seconds, she had become a hulking alligator-like creature with rough purplish skin, a spiked spine and a snout crowded with sharp, curving teeth.

Queen Galantha went pale as she stared at her. The guards stumbled back in shock, and all the noble fae in the room pressed themselves back against the walls in an attempt to get as far away from the giant reptile now standing in the centre of the room as possible.

“Let me clear things up for you, little girl.” Ethel’s stern voice was now snarly and almost impossibly deep. “You might have a little scrap of power here, but back there, where your son lives, I have all the power. You think you’re impressive because you know a bank manager? I used to babysit the damn managing director! I got him that job! He works for me . Everyone in my town does. All the little connections you’ve spent years making to try and bully your son into doing what you want—they’re all worthless, my dear. All it would take is a single phone call from me , and none of them would ever listen to a word you say again.”

Queen Galantha’s face had turned a dark purple as she stared at Ethel, a muscle ticking in her jaw.

“And who the fuck are you?” she eventually asked, voice unsteady.

“I’m Ethel.”

“Best damn mimi in the whole country!” Freddie called.

“Thank you, bubs.” Ethel smoothed down her dress with her huge, clawed hands. “My family run a very respectable waste management and garbage disposal business. We also have our fingers in a few other pies. Dabbling in politics, law enforcement, property management… You know, all kinds of things.”

The queen didn’t really seem to know what to say, as if she was beginning to grasp just how little control she suddenly had in this situation. Which meant after a few long, tense moments, she turned her seething fury back onto the easiest target—her son.

“I have never been more embarrassed of you than I am in this moment,” she spat at Crossbody. “All you had to do was produce a fucking heir, and you don’t even have to do the hard part. How are you this worthless?”

“Shut the fuck up,” I snarled, stepping forward. “You don’t get to fucking talk to him like that.”

“And who are you?” she hissed. “The ghoul he employs to clean that hovel he calls a home?”

“He’s not my butler,” Crossbody yelled, surprisingly loud. I blinked, staring in surprise when he snatched up my hand and scowled at his mother. “He’s my—He’s mine. We’re—”

“As if you couldn’t become even more of an embarrassment,” she sneered. “Cavorting with a ghoul .”

“Shut up,” he snarled. “Don’t talk about him that way.”

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?” Ariyon drawled, sipping from his glass. “Is the ghoul who Elvis makes the pornography with? So who is the old lizard woman?”

“No, the ghoul is his butler,” someone piped up.

“No, he just said the ghoul isn’t his butler,” someone else called. “He said they’re together or something.”

“How does that work? Aren’t ghouls dead?”

“Ghouls are not dead,” Crossbody snapped.

“He looks a bit dead,” someone said doubtfully, which made me scowl in their general direction. “So how does it work? You’re in business together for the pornography thing? Which, again, I’d appreciate it if someone could tell me exactly where I would find that so I know how to avoid it…”

“How much does it cost to watch you both?” someone else asked with interest.

“Vince and I do not make porn,” Crossbody shouted, gripping my hand almost painfully hard. “We are together. I love him. I’m his little slut, and I’m fucking proud of it.”

The room fell utterly silent as he yelled the last part even louder. I went completely still, my stomach dropping out of my ass. My brain couldn’t decide which part of his speech to focus on. The fact that he’d just told an entire room of people—including his mother—that he was my little slut, or that he’d said he…

“Good for you, dear.” Ethel broke the silence with an approving nod.

“Live your truth, my man,” Freddie added.

“Alright, so why are the old women here?” Ariyon asked.

“Because your mother threatened to ruin your brother’s life if he didn’t come back here,” Ethel told him with a disappointed frown in the queen’s direction, like she was an unruly child. “So we decided to pay the Spring Queen a visit and remind her of her place in the human world. Which is very low on the food chain.”

“How dare you,” Galantha hissed, hands clenching into fists.

“And here I was thinking this was just going to be a very boring engagement party,” someone murmured gleefully to their companion nearby.

“So you are in charge in the human world?” Ariyon asked Ethel with interest, which made Queen Galantha stiffen with foreboding.

“Ariyon,” she said in a warning tone, clearly getting nervous over the thought of losing control of another son. “Do not speak to them. Presius, take him away.”

“What’s the point?” Presius said blankly. “You have just aired our shameful family affairs in front of the Spring Court’s entire nobility, Mother. Might as well keep going.”

“Not the whole human world, dear,” Ethel was telling Ariyon. “Have you never been? You should visit. It’s lovely!”

“Ariyon,” Queen Galantha snapped again.

“I’d like to,” he told Ethel, ignoring his mother. “We aren’t allowed. But I know Elvis used to sneak over. They told me he was travelling, but I suspected he’d moved there for good. The pornography thing sounds very interesting.”

“Not an area we’re involved in, son, but I’m sure we could put you in touch with the right people.” Freddie nodded to him.

“That would be excellent,” Ariyon said with a surprised smile. “Alright, so I think I’m mostly up to speed, but who is he ?”

As he pointed to the back of the room, I followed the direction of his finger and peered over to see a short, slender figure with white-blond hair leaning back against the wall nonchalantly, his skinny frame swamped by a huge Hawaiian shirt.

When he glanced up and noticed everyone staring at him, he straightened.

“’Sup. I’m Axel.” When no one spoke, he added, “Uh, twenty-nine… ish. A Virgo. And an ailyn, which means I’ll be”—he wiggled his fingers at his head and nodded at the queen—“you know, the one fucking with your mind today.”

“What?” The queen paled.

“Won’t take long,” he told her cheerfully. “Just going to sift through all the memories of the last six years and make sure you can’t remember anything about your son’s whereabouts…”

“Just as a backup, in case my warning wasn’t enough,” Ethel added. “I’m sure you understand.” She looked over at us, her snout stretching into a big, toothy smile. “You two can take off, dears. Axel will tie up all the loose ends.”

“You sure?” I asked while the queen began ordering her guards to kill all of Ethel’s cronies, her voice shrill and panicked.

As they raised their swords and started striding forward, Freddie yelled something to the gaggle of elderly ladies. They all began to shift into their reptilian forms, their floral dresses magically stretching to stay on their suddenly huge and hulking bodies. As they launched themselves at the guards with eager bellows, using their handbags as weapons, the fae nobility in the room began to scream, flinging their cups away to run for the doors.

But I wasn’t paying attention to them. I eagerly watched the quiet, tiny knitting lady as, in the middle of the chaos, she sighed and tucked her needles and wool hat away, wiped her nose delicately with a tissue, then shifted into a navy-skinned alligator beast and let out an ear-splitting roar.

“Holy fuck,” I choked as she barrelled forward and scooped up two fae guards at once, lifting them over her head and roaring again in triumph.

“You don’t need to stick around for this bit,” Ethel told me, having to raise her voice a bit to be heard over the shouts of the guards, the rabid laughter of the old ladies and the terrified but excited screams of the fae. “Won’t take long. Will all be very boring, I’m sure.”

“’Kay,” I called back, giving Crossbody’s hand a comforting squeeze as he watched the chaos in stunned silence. “Thanks again for all your help.”

“Our pleasure, dear,” she said. “You’re a good boy, Vince. And you two are just adorable.”

I flushed with a grin, then peered around to find Freddie and shoot him a quick thumbs up. “Thanks again, Freddie!” I yelled.

He shot me a thumbs up back with his thick, muscular arm wrapped around the neck of a fae guard, who was choking and flailing his legs. “Our pleasure, Vin! We’ll go for lunch soon, yeah?”

“Sounds good!” I turned to smile at Crossbody and a very dazed Ianthe. “Ready to go?”

“I…” Crossbody blinked a few times. “Um… yes?”

“Cool.” I glanced back at the room, now a sea of clashing bodies. “You go get Ianthe back to her room and grab our suitcase. I’ll meet you in the hallway, okay?”

“What are you going to do?” he asked worriedly as I ushered the pair of them out. “Vince, please don’t—”

“Just going to quickly talk to Freddie about something. Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. I’ll be two seconds.”

“Vince—”

I gently shoved him through the doors, then turned and strode deeper into the room, ducking to avoid a sword being swung by a fae guard, then ducking again to avoid an actual fae guard being swung by a little old lady shifter.

When I reached the big table in the centre, most of the food had already been ruined—trampled on, knocked over or used as projectiles. But one of those pretty, nicely decorated cakes with the fancy frosting was miraculously still intact.

With a grin, I carefully picked it up and scooped up some icing with a finger to taste it. It was pretty good—kind of floral and not too sweet. Hefting it, I noted its impressive weight as I carried it across the room to where Queen Galantha was being restrained by Ethel and another little old lady while Axel got ready to fuck with the timeline in her head. He was eating a sandwich to prepare, and gave me a nod with his cheeks bulging.

“Just carbo-loading,” he told me through his mouthful.

“Nice.” I looked at the queen, still holding the cake, and smiled. “And nice to properly meet you, huh? I’ve heard a lot about you. None of it has been good.”

“Do you think I care?” she snarled, trying to wriggle free from Ethel’s hold. “Get out of my sight. Take my worthless excuse for a son. I don’t care. Take him.”

“I’m gonna,” I told her. “And I’m going to make sure he knows just how much he’s worth, by the way, so it doesn’t really matter what you say at this point. I just wanted to do one thing.”

“And what is that?” she spat, glaring at me with pure hatred in her eyes. “Not that I—”

Before she could finish, I lifted the cake and threw it, hitting her square in the face.

Axel burst out laughing, spraying mushy, mustard-stained bread and meat everywhere. The queen had frozen in stunned silence, pink and mauve icing covering her entire face except for her eyes, which blinked at me vacantly, the lids coated. Then a little hole appeared as her mouth dropped open in utter shock.

“Anyways.” I gave Axel a cheerful nod. “Good luck, bro.”

“Won’t let you down, bro.” He nodded back with a solemn salute, taking another bite of his sandwich. “Mainly because Holt will never, ever stop whining if I let his business get shut down.”

I chuckled, waving at Ethel as I turned to leave. Just as I narrowly avoided getting sliced in half with a sword, I spotted Crossbody standing at the doors, frozen in place, his eyes wide with shock and a hand covering his mouth.

His gaze was locked on his mother. His cake-coated mother. When I reached him, I heard him make a tiny sound that was somehow a cross between hysterical laughter and sheer horror. I grinned with pride, hoping the queen was watching as I clasped his wrist to pull it away from his face and pressed a firm kiss to his mouth.

Crossbody looked dazed as I pulled back. Voice faint, he said, “Vince, did you… just throw a cake at my mother?”

“Uh-huh.” I grabbed his hand and tugged him through the doors and into the corridor. “Felt fucking great.”

After a few seconds, I heard him snort. He drew me to a stop, turning to cup my cheek as he leaned down to kiss me again, smiling against my mouth.

“Thank you,” he murmured huskily when he pulled away, his other hand clutching the front of my shirt. “Thank you, Vince.”

“It was nothing.” I didn’t know if he was thanking me for all of it, or specifically the cake-throwing, but I didn’t care. I would’ve done anything for him, and that was kind of a terrifying thought, but it was true.

Maybe I should’ve told him. Maybe that would be, like… a romantic thing to say or something. I swallowed and parted my lips, drawing in a breath to speak as Crossbody pressed another soft kiss to my cheek.

Then I chickened out.

“Is Ianthe okay?” My voice was a little croaky with the sudden rush of nerves flooding my insides.

“She’s in her room getting ready to leave.”

I nodded absently, leading us down the corridor once again, leaving the chaotic sounds of fae and old lady lizard mafia fighting behind. “Let’s do the same. Let’s get our suitcase and get the fuck out of here.”

“Yes.” Crossbody hesitated. “Vince…”

“Yeah?” I answered automatically before my heart gave a huge thud as I suddenly remembered what he’d said in there. About me. About how he felt about me.

Butterflies swarmed in my belly and made my palm grow a little damp against his. Was he about to address it?

What would I say?

Did I feel that way about him too?

“Yes?” I repeated unsteadily, part of me almost desperate to hear him say it again.

Crossbody exhaled, reaching up to rub his face. My heart started pounding even harder.

Oh shit. Oh fuck. He was going to say it.

I was suddenly terrified, but the kind of exhilarated, pants-shittingly terrified that came before going on a roller coaster. That breathless, nervous anticipation. That belly squirming sensation of pure, almost overwhelming excitement.

Crossbody loved me. He was going to tell me he loved me.

He took a deep breath.

“Do you think my brother is going to become a porn star now?”