18. STERLING

I'd timed it perfectly, leaving Fallon and Henry at the table to finish their breakfast. My sister, Rebecca called me just as I was approaching my office.

"Hey, Bex!" I answered.

" I got your texts, multiple of them ," she said. " And well, what would you even do if you came back?"

I slumped down in my office chair, thinking of the question. I hadn't put feelers out for work, but I knew it was probably out there. "There's a lot I can do. I have years of managerial experience."

" Sterling, I love you, but you're living the dream, " she said. " I don't know why you'd even want to come back here. "

"Bex, is the apartment available? That's all I need to know."

" Yeah. It's free. Mark was renting it by the night, but then the neighbors started renting their apartment, and now everyone is swamped ," she said. " We're looking for a long-term renter. "

"Me," I said. "I'm serious about coming back. I've been here for too long. And I haven't seen my nieces in forever."

" Well if the resort wasn't adult only, we might've been able to visit," she said.

We were getting off-topic, and that rule wasn't mine, but I was very glad about it. "So, the apartment is free, and I can move in, if I come back."

" If ," she huffed. " I thought this was a when situation. "

"Fine, when," I corrected myself. Now, it was all moving fast. I hadn't even looked for work yet. I knew unemployment was high in places, but I was going back different.

" Yes, " she said. " Does mom know you're coming back ?"

"Who do you think I'm calling next?" I lied, I was not calling my mother. She lived out in Philly and would've had me stay with her if she found out I didn't have anywhere to call home.

" You'll need to tell me well me when you're coming ," she said. " And if this is real, I'll be happy to see you again. And you'll have to bring the twins something back, they're always asking about you. I don't know why, because you send them a birthday card and Christmas card each year, and that's it. "

My sister had two daughters, Danika and Elena. The reason they loved me so much was because I'd sent them both Gersch teddies. And I made sure to send them cards with money in. That would probably stop though.

"It won't be for a month, or so," I said. "I'll let you know more when I know."

It was one thing I could tick off my checklist. I was excited to go back for family, but I didn't even have a job to back to. Whatever I had in my savings would need to prop me up until I was on my feet. The idea scared me, but I knew it was possible. I'd done more with less.

My heart was racing. I wondered if telling Bex made this entire thing official. I used the computer to search for jobs back in New Jersey. I was looking for managerial jobs, anything where I was in charge of people, I should've had in the bag.

There were a lot of jobs going, some of them asking for years of experience, and others asking for college degrees, or even doctorates. I had a college degree, it wasn't in anything I could apply to my work, but it was something.

Carla came into the office, yawning. She was in her pajamas. "I slept here last night," she said, coming a hand through her puffy curly hair. "I need to brush. Is there one on the desk?"

I looked around. "No, why would there be a brush?" And there one was, tucked in the corner behind the paper tray. "Oh, there is."

"It's my emergency brush," she said, coming over to grab it. She locked onto the job listings on the computer monitor. "You're really leaving then?"

"I haven't handed in my notice yet," I said. I knew that was four weeks, so I should probably get that done soon.

"Does he know?"

"Who?" I asked, before realizing. "No. And I'm not doing it for him."

"Well, I don't believe that."

"Not completely, anyway," I corrected myself. "I'm doing it for me, and the purpose of starting a new phase in my life." And I saw that phase happening with a boyfriend, but it wasn't the end of the world if he didn't react well to the idea.

"I believe you," she said. "I didn't want to say it, but you haven't been happy here for a while."

"While we're talking about people being happy, I think you should move out and find your happiness," I said.

"No, no, no." She wagged her finger at me. "We're not talking about me. We're talking about you. It's easy for you. It's not so easy for me. It's a cultural thing. But I wish I could just move out and leave my mom and stuff. I just can't."

I understand a little bit, and her saying that alone made me feel slightly guilty for telling Bex I would call our mom and I didn't. It was a real tug at my heartstrings. And I didn't like being tugged at in that way.

"You're right," I said. "But you love working here, and the benefit of staying over in one of the comfy hotel beds.2

"I just have to tell a white lie and say I'm working more than I am." Carla brushed out her hair, combing a fur ball from the brush. "What jobs are you going to do?"

"I really don't know. There's so many things I could do." But there was only one thing I actually wanted to do, and that wasn't a job at all.

"I'm going to get a coffee, you think, and then you can tell me," she said. "I'll help you decide. I'm good at figuring job applications out."

I didn't use the time she went off to get coffee and instead I called my mom. She was a talker. I tried to talk to her once a month, but most of the time we would catch each other at the worst time. My mom was nosey, she wanted to know a piece of everything about your business. So I was surprised when I told her that I was moving back and she didn't ask why.

" And what are you bringing me back? " she asked.

"I'm bringing myself back," I told her.

" I love you and all honey, but you've been away so long, I want an ornament or something ," she said. " Like one of those little China dolls. Maybe a set. I don't know, it's been so long since I've seen you, I'm expecting many things ."

"Lower your expectations," I said. There were things I'd bring back, but I hadn't thought about gifts.

" And your aunt will want something too, " she continued. " In fact, my entire bridge club would love a little tchotchke. You know, just something small. I tell them all about you, so don't disappoint them. "

"Mom, I haven't even met your bridge club," I said. "I'll bring you something, but don't tell all your friends. I'm moving country, I won't have the allowance to bring everyone something."

I hadn't handed in my notice or booked the flight and already I was being asked for thing and dates of when I'd arrive.

" I'll pick you up from the airport ," she said.

"I'm not moving to Philly," I told her.

" You'll have to speak up, honey, my hearing is going in this ear. "

"Then listen with your good ear," I told her.

She chuckled to herself. " That's right. What did you say? "

I explained to her that I'd be moving to New Jersey in my sister's apartment, not the one she was living in, but the one she'd inherited through her husband's family. By which point in the explanation, Carla had arrived back and was trying to hold a straight smile as I talked my mom around in circles.

She meant well, but she would talk for hours if I let her. I had to end the call, telling her I was needed back at work, and she'd said something about that being silly because I wouldn't be there for much longer.

"I've heard your mom before," Carla said. "She called up on the main phone."

"When? You didn't tell me."

"Yeah," she said, nodding in a dramatic fashion. "It was my first week here."

I didn't remember it well, but I remembered being woken in the middle of the night to a call being patched into the phone in my room. My mom's important question that needed immediate answering was whether or not I was coming to visit because she didn't know how much meat to defrost.

My mom was in a lot of my happy memories, always a little bit all over the place. I'd missed her, and she'd refused to come to Mexico for fear of the food, and whatever else she'd seen on the media about the country.

"I can make you a spreadsheet," Carla said. "You know, of jobs. And that way you'll get a better way of applying."

"Any reason to make a spreadsheet, huh?" I asked, pushing out from under the chair. "I'll let you, but only because I know that's your love language."

Carla tied her hair up into a messy bun on her head. "And also because I expect you to recommend me for your job," she said. "My English is amazing now."

"It's better," I said.

The resort had other managers who came in and were in charge while I was asleep or taking time off, but they didn't hold hiring and firing capabilities like me. They were more like supervisors, but the resort called them managers.

"I can type the recommendation for you as well," she said, taking the seat at the computer.

Carla was the best fit for the job if I was gone.

"You know, I'll visit," I told her. My stomach bubbling. Telling people I was leaving and making the plan to leave had my nerves on edge. There was only one person I hadn't told, and quite possibly the most important person to tell. That was Fallon. He had no clue what I was planning, but I needed to remind myself I wasn't doing this for him, that was a decision for my life and the direction I wanted to push it.

I took myself back to my room in the hotel and took a moment to throw water at myself and see the extent of the teddies remaining to be sold. They would all have to go before I left.

After a couple cold water splashes to the face and a cold wash cloth on my neck, I realized what I needed to do.

Fallon wasn't by the pool, and he wasn't in his villa. It had been over an hour since I'd seen them. And of course, that meant one thing. I hoped he'd listened to me about waiting an hour.He had to be in one of the resort pools playing mermen with Henry.

I looked all over and found them both in a near empty pool shouting at each other.

"That's not how you do that," Fallon said.

"Yes, you put your legs together," Henry called back.

"Look, my legs don't do that."

They were laughing at each other.

The closer I got, the more I saw. They had goggles on and they were both trying to maneuver their limbs like a sea creature. I watched them for a solid moment before either of them noticed me. I sat on a sun lounger by the pool.

"You came!" Fallon said. "Did you see me move like a real merman?"

"No, because that's not how they move," Henry said. "I was part of a swim club at college. I should know."

"Impossible you know, because I could be an actual merman and I'm telling you they do this." Fallon gestured with his hand and arm, making a wave. I didn't know what they arguing about, but it was nice getting a distraction from the peak of anxiety in me.

And I couldn't do it.

I couldn't tell him.

I knew the minute I said the words, he would think I was doing it for him, and that could change the entire dynamic. And as it was, I was very happy with our dynamic.

"I think Fallon's right," I said.

"Of course, you do," Henry said, splashing Fallon. "But the legs are supposed to move together. Wait. No—ugh."

Fallon swam to the edge of the pool, resting his arms on the tile. "Did you want to watch?"

I got on my knees, getting my slacks wet. "I just wanted to kiss you." I planted my lips on his. "I didn't get to give you one earlier."

This wasn't the right moment to tell him the big news.