28. Raven

RAVEN

Nausea swirls in my stomach, my head pounding as I try to open my eyes, but it’s impossible.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Everywhere aches, my body cemented to the surface beneath me and panic rising in my throat like acid. I have no idea where I am and the brain fog I’m rocking isn’t helping at all.

Taking a weak breath, I try to open my eyes again. It takes a few more attempts but, eventually, I can see the dim room without my eyeballs wanting to burn.

I’m in my bedroom. How did I get here? I’m still in my uniform on top of the covers, the late evening sun casting shadows across the room. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to remember the last thing that easily comes to mind. Sebastian. He came to collect me from class to take me to…

It hits me all at once. Mama, Papa, the random guy, the medical department, the murmurs about abilities and suppression and crazy fucking grandparents that violated my mind as a child, which lead to… running? Hiding? Surviving? I don’t really know what to call what we were doing in Shadowmoor, but my gut clenches with the thought. It was because of me, because of the magic the seer saw in me.

Panic morphs into dread and I feel like I can’t breathe. Pushing up to sit on the bed doesn’t make it any easier, my lungs constricting despite my efforts.

“Raven? Hey, calm down.” I startle at the sound of Zane’s voice, my heart lurching even more when I find him sitting on a chair beside my bed. How did I not even notice he was there? He reaches for the lamp on my nightstand and illuminates the room in a soft glow, highlighting the concern on his face as he moves closer. “Is there anything I can get you?”

I shake my head, unable to find any words. My stress must be evident in my body language because he’s reaching for my hands in the next moment, taking big, deep breaths, encouraging me to copy him. I feel like an idiot, embarrassed at my panic attack, but I mimic his motions regardless. After what feels like an eternity, it starts working, my shoulders relaxing a little and a sigh finally falls from my lips.

“Better?” he asks, tucking my hair behind my ear, and I nod.

“Thank you.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay, Dove. What happened?” He looks deep into my eyes, his hazel pools practically touching my soul as he searches for answers, and I don’t even know how to formulate words.

Rubbing my dry lips together, I glance around the room. “How long have I been here?”

He swipes a hand down his face, irritation tightening his jaw. “I honestly don’t know, Raven. We searched the entire academy after you didn’t come back to class. Over an hour checking every inch of the place. It was only after Brax cornered Sebastian that we considered coming back to the house. That’s when we found you laying here, passed out, and that was at least two hours ago.”

Fuck.

A knock at the door interrupts my response and Eldon’s head peeks through the gap as he inches it open. “She’s awake.” He rushes into the room, Creed right behind him as Brax waits by the door, filling the space with his broad shoulders.

I expect to feel overwhelmed with them all barging in but it doesn’t seem to bother me. Although, that’s likely because I’m already sinking over something else. Over what my parents did to me… whatever that is.

I’m standing before Eldon can reach the bed, running my hands over my crumpled uniform.

“What’s happening?” he asks, blocking my path to the door.

“I need to get back to the academy, back to them.” My mind goes into overdrive and I can hear the mania in my voice, teetering on the edge of panic. They have to still be there. They can’t have left. Not after this.

“Who’s them?” Creed asks, his brows furrowing at my vagueness.

“My parents.”

“Your parents were here?” Zane’s expression matches Creed's as they stare at me in confusion.

Join the party, guys, I’m fucking confused too.

Wiping a hand down my face, I don’t really want to explain any of it, but I have to offer them something. “That’s where Sebastian took me, to them. To…”

“To what, Raven?” Eldon’s tone gets sharper, not at me, but for me, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference to the bubbling turmoil inside.

Locking eyes with Creed, a thought comes to mind. “I need you to reveal the mark on my temple again. Please.”

I move toward him and he instinctively steps back. “I’m not doing that.”

“I need you to, or one of you, please.” I’m very aware I’m starting to sound a little crazy, but he doesn’t understand.

“Tell me why.”

I shake my head. “Just please, one of you,” I plead, glancing at Zane and Eldon, even chancing a look toward Brax, but it’s Eldon who steps closer.

He swipes his thumb over my temple, my heart pounding wildly, but the second his nose wrinkles, I know it’s not working.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Nothing’s happening, Raven. I don’t understand.”

Hiding my face in my hands, my breathing is coming in shallow bursts again, the panic consuming me once more as my father’s words replay in my mind.

“When the time comes and your magic finds your soul again, they will either want to kill you or use you, there’s no in between. You want the latter and that’s what I’m going to be able to aid you with, Raven.”

My mother’s warning piling on top does nothing to calm me. “I thought it would be safer to hide you, but I was wrong. I thought those who loved you would only want the best for you, but I was wrong. I thought you would be safer without your powers, but I was wrong. If what the seer said is true, your best defense… is you. All that matters is that you trust no one.”

No one. Trust no one.

I don’t feel any different, I don’t feel anything new, anything living inside of me, unsuppressed, not even a flicker. Yet her final words haunt me. I was always my own defense before I came here and learned to rely on them. Trust no one.

“Raven, you’re going to need to explain to us what’s going on,” Creed states, his voice seeping through the fog I’m lost in, but I shake my head.

Turning to face him, I roll my shoulders back, a numbness washing over me like I’ve never felt before. “Actually, I think it’s the complete opposite.”

Zane grabs my arm gently, frowning down at me. “What’s going on, Raven?”

“I need some space.”

“Space from what?” Eldon asks, confused by everything unraveling, but it’s better now than later.

“I just need you out of my room.” I fold my arms over my chest, holding myself tight as they glance between each other.

“Why?”

“I just need to be alone,” I bite, my anger not even remotely aimed at them, but after the events of today, they’re the ones who are going to feel it.

“Raven, I don’t know what happened with your parents, but whatever this is, pushing us away isn’t going to help,” Brax grunts, and I scoff.

“You’ve got some fucking nerve telling me that pushing people away isn’t going to help. How’s that working for you?” I hate the words as soon as I say them but there’s no taking them back now.

“It’s not the fucking same and you know it.”

“Isn’t it?” I stare him down, pleading with him to just leave so I can think, be alone, and figure out what my next move should be. I’m protecting us all, they just can’t see that. Not that they would be able to without the bigger picture but I don’t really know shit either.

“Dove, please just—”

“Just get out,” I yell, hating the hurt in Zane’s eyes as I point toward the door. I’m panting, steam on the verge of pouring from my ears as they all gape at me. It takes three short breaths for them to nod in reluctance, trailing toward the door one after the other.

My soul hurts with every step they put between us, every inch I ask for. It’s a double-edged sword and I’m going to feel the sharp sting either way.

Brax stands to the side for each of them to walk past before he grabs the door handle. I’m ready to hear the door click shut but he fixes his stern eyes on mine. “Enjoy your space, Raven.”

He slams the door with more force than I expect and I jump slightly. Flopping down onto the bed, I look down at my hands. They don’t look any different. How can I look no different yet feel so constricted all at once?

I’m lost, alone, and uncertain. Just like I was in Shadowmoor.

* * *

I expect more of a challenge to get out of the house, but it seems my bitchiness and need for space pushed all of the guys into their rooms. So when I step into the lounge in a brown sweater and black leggings, with my boots fastened high, I’m met with silence.

Guilt twists in my gut but I double down on the numbness that likes to take hold of me as I quietly slip out the front door. I walk to the end of the path and wait a few minutes, expecting one of them to follow me, but no one comes and I take that as my cue to get on with it.

Marching down the pathway back toward the academy, I only come across two people. Everyone else is either in their houses or the shopping district. Even when I step into the halls I find them mostly barren. The few people I do run into don’t pay me any mind, wrapped up in their own tasks instead.

My boots echo off the marble floor as I cut through the halls until I find myself at the medical center. Tension starts to creep up my spine and nausea threatens at the back of my throat again. I stop outside the same door as earlier, straining my ears to listen for anyone on the other side, but I get nothing.

I take a deep breath for strength before rapping my knuckles against the frosted glass panel. When I count to ten and no one answers, I try the handle and the door slowly creaks open. It’s completely dark so I search for the light switch, but even the glow doesn’t reveal anyone or anything.

They really just did that to me and left without another word? Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised at this point. It’s bullshit. All of it.

Closing the door behind me, I step further into the room before taking a seat at the foot of the bed again. The urge to scream and cry burns beneath the surface but I bottle it up. They don’t deserve anything else from me, not after I pleaded with them earlier and they did it anyway.

I have no recollection of what happened after my world went black, no idea what the process entailed, how invasive it could have been; nothing.

With a sigh, I stand, hands on my hips as my chin dips to my chest. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I need to go home. There’s nothing for me here. Scanning the room one last time before I leave, my gaze focuses on a circular cut out card on the far cabinet.

I don’t know what draws me closer, but I’m reaching for it without even thinking, and I gasp when I see it’s an image of me with Mama. I must be four, maybe five, but I can definitely tell it’s before Shadowmoor. The old house looms in the background. Lifting it closer, my thumb skims over the image, my heart aching, and I’m not even sure what for anymore.

“I knew you would come back… or I was hoping at least.” I startle at the sound of my mother’s voice and turn to find an astral projection of her sitting on the bed where I had been moments ago. Sadness consumes her features, her bottom lip trembling as she looks down at her lap. “It’s done, Raven. The suppression has been lifted. It’s not going to happen overnight, but your magic is coming. Now only time will tell whether the seer was correct or not.”

If they could just tell me what the seer said to begin with then I would at least know what I’m up against.

“You’re not a Void, Raven, and if what the seer says is true, you’re far from it,” she continues, still offering me nothing as I stand here helpless. But despite that, I know if she was here in the flesh, I would throw myself at her. “Despite all of that, you’re my daughter, the purest soul I’ve ever known, and that’s not going to change. I’m sorry this has turned into your world. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to prevent the inevitable, but I guess we’ll never know and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry decisions were made on your behalf without your input. I just felt like a harder, darker life was still safer than The Monarchy…” She shakes her head, cutting short the important facts once again. “I love you so much, sweet girl.” She lifts her head, looking right at me even though she’s not even here, but it’s like she knew exactly where I would be.

“I love you too,” I whisper, hating that today's events don’t seem to change that.

“Remember that you are strong, brave, fearless, and resilient. Keep being you and everything is going to be okay. Follow your heart, find solace in the shadows, and take down the dawn.”

She disappears with a blink, leaving me helpless with adrenaline coursing through my veins. All of this is based on an if, and I think that’s what I hate the most. Now only time will tell, but one thing seems to be true.

I’m not a Void.