Chapter 33

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Oh, hypocrisy. You realistic curse word, you.

"Daddy, are you having a breakdown?" Andromeda asked while Pollux lay in his bed, arms clamped around the stuffed bee Kassandra had made for him.

Children screaming.

Crying.

Suffering.

It brought back too many memories.

Those awful memories had crowded out all logical thought and sent him fleeing home as though he had once been a child himself.

He hadn't, of course.

So many years ago, he'd been born into this world as the culmination of a doctor's fears over the course of many decades. Pollux was the pure terror a man held when he had dedicated his life to fighting against illnesses without the tools required to even provide an ounce of hope. The fears that made Pollux up were not ones that worried about pride.

They simply, desperately, did not want people to hurt, butin those days, the methods to stop hurting were so fragile. Often, the best way to end pain then…was to lose the patient entirely. And that, of course, was where Cael had usually come in.

Cael was peace at the end of so much agony.

In those days, Pollux was nothing more than a constant, unhelpful companion.

To Pollux, fear without any hope had always tasted so bitter. Purposeless.

It knotted in his stomach and made him hate the roots of what he was.

"Daddy?" Andromeda prodded once more, poking him in the back.

He shuffled deeper under his blankets. "Meda. Please."

"We're worried about you," Alexios called from somewhere behind Pollux, possibly at the open double doors to his bedroom.

Great.

Just what Pollux needed.

To worry his little family.

"I'm fine," he grumbled.

Andromeda gasped. "Daddy. Language."

Curse his tiny, sort of but not exactly, offspring.

Curse the fact his stuffed bee barely smelled like Kassandra anymore.

He did not know if it was appropriate to ask that she correct such a thing. He wasn't even entirely certain whether or not Kassandra was upset with him.

He'd agreed to go with her and help keep her kids safe.

He'd made things worse.

Then he'd bailed on her when it got so overwhelming he could barely breathe.

Kassandra had only just started to warm up to him.

She'd been monitoring herself less in front of him.

Now, she probably hated him again.

"I don't believe Kassandra hates you," Alexios offered.

"Get out of my emotions or I will fill your soul with so much terror you will wet yourself."

Alexios freed a hollow laugh. "Oh my dear friend, I would find much amusement in seeing you try." Starkly emotionless, the yamachichi said, "I would devour every centimeter of your efforts before they could graze me. I am trying to help."

Pollux didn't want help right now. He wanted to collapse in on himself in the empty loneliness he was familiar with. He'd been too ambitious when he said he'd quit liquor. His brain was begging for the illusion of numbness the burn gave him. Alas, in his over-eagerness to be rid of the past and start a new future with his precious wife, he'd drained his stores. All he had left was a collection of pretty bottles.

The pretty bottles did less than the nothing of the alcohol itself.

But maybe he didn't deserve anything akin to a distraction.

On some level, torment suited him. It was the least he could offer as penance for…

Existing.

"Should I call Cael?" Alexios asked.

"Don't you—" Pollux swore. "—dare."

"It seems as though you are in need of support. And since it's clear you don't want it from me, it is my duty to alert a higher-ranking friend."

"I have never shared these moments with Cael. His efforts to remedy such situations would be wearisome." And involve hugging. Pollux was uncertain whether or not he wanted hugs from Cael. Pollux was so unfamiliar with love he did not know what his love language even was.

Touch, though, unnerved him more often than not. Only his daughter's and Kassandra's touch felt enough like his own to be safe.

As though privy to his thoughts, tiny arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind. Andromeda's cheek rested against his back. "I don't think Mrs. Role hates you, either. She married you."

By accident. She married him by accident. Because the soulmate bond interfered with her judgment before she even knew why.

He needed to get over this and apologize to her.

He was an ancient dream eater. He was more than used to making kids wake up in tears as he stowed away with their fear in his belly. He should have shrugged this afternoon off, rolled his eyes, and gone to the corner to wait for their feeble emotions to blow over.

Purposeless fear bothered him, but it was not worth breaking down over.

If he was hurt that Kassandra's children didn't love him at a depth that naturally overrode the effects of what he was, he really needed to get over that. He'd known them a single week. Even Willow had yet to entirely shirk the effects of what he was, and they had been fostering a friendship for over a year now.

Love that was strong enough to counter him did not come as easily to those who were not blessed with the gift of encompassing the emotion itself. Love, especially for humans, was hard.

Huffing, he released his bee, rolled, and captured Andromeda in his arms.

She squealed. "Yama-nii-nii, help!"

Alexios leaned a shoulder against the doorjamb and smiled. "No, I don't think I will."

Pollux muttered, "Sometimes adults need to cry themselves to sleep after an eventful day, Meda. Both of you should respect that."

"Mood," Alexios said.

Andromeda crossed her arms while Pollux squished her close and let the tension in his stomach unravel. "Mood is going out of style, Yama-nii-nii."

"Pity." Alexios's teeth flashed in a wicked grin. "In that case, tell your father to quit acting mid."

Andromeda's little hands flew to her face as she swore. "Stoppp."

"At least I'm not trying to make fetch happen."

Andromeda writhed, tucking herself securely under the blankets. "May I have a breakdown with you, Daddy?"

He mumbled into her hair, "Of course."

Alexios hummed. "If you're both going to have breakdowns, I'll meet Kassandra before she reaches the house and see if I can't get her soul tonight." He straightened up off the doorjamb and monitored something outside the window fixed behind Pollux's back.

A moment later, the sensation of Kassandra crossing into the glamour Pollux kept around his home traced a fingertip up his spine. He swallowed.

He had not yet prepared an adequate apology for his behavior. According to his research, a sincere apology had three key points.

Understanding the victim your actions harmed.

Taking responsibility for your actions.

Making an honest offer in order to correct your actions in the future.

Pollux was more than willing to accept responsibility. He was uncertain if he could manage hearing how he'd hurt Kassandra and the children right now in order to understand her. Also, if Kassandra never trusted him around the kids again, he would never be able to do better. One out of three was a failing grade.

In spite of those facts, Pollux dragged himself upright, snarled at Alexios, and marched from his bedroom to greet Kassandra before the yamachichi had a chance to.

"Atta boy," Alexios called as Pollux plodded down the hall. "I'm so proud."

Pollux released a heavy sigh as he realized, once he'd made it to the bottom of the stairs, that he'd grabbed his bee for emotional support.

Kassandra's knock made his heart jump, but…he could do this.

He would do this.

He knew how to empathize when he was stressed. He understood completely how to not be selfish when he was having an emotional moment. He absolutely had practice in that regard.

He one hundred percent had not spent a majority of his life utterly alone or navigating social situations that were, under most standards, less than normal.

Why, the last time he'd felt like this in front of someone, it had been Castor. And that swear word had suggested arson.

And.

You know.

Pollux had taken him up on that.

Screaming into crackling flames in the dead of winter with Castor held a priceless place in Pollux's heart.

He was certain Kassandra would be completely open to such a solution as well.

And he would appreciate it if his mind ceased its sarcasm at once.

Kassandra knocked again while Pollux was considering returning to his room and feigning ill.

Through the sheer force of an impulse decision, he opened the door. "My bee no longer smells like you, and I'm having a nervous breakdown. Please understand that I am deeply sorry about this afternoon, but I may be unable to express myself or my regret in a manner that you deserve at this time. Once I have gathered myself and my thoughts, you can anticipate a letter from me, that I will recite upon request to assure you I am not attempting to lie in text."

His beautiful mate stared at him. She looked at his bee. She glanced behind him. Then she took his hand. Her skin was warm against the evening air, and it did something to him as she fixed her gaze on his and stated, clearly, "There's nothing you need to apologize for, Pollux."

"But I failed you."

"No, you didn't. Stuff happens. This isn't the usual stuff that happens, but it's still just stuff." Her brows bent as she watched him, earnestly. "I've been imagining how it feels to be in your skin ever since you left, and it's cruel, Pollux. It is cruel that the universe built you with so much care and so few outlets for it. You've been trying so hard from the moment we met to do everything right, regardless of how afraid and confused you are inside." A small, real smile lifted Kassandra's lips as she cupped his cheek with her free hand. "Isn't it funny? How much of a hypocrite you are."

Behind him, Alexios exhaled a laugh and swore.

Pollux's mind blanked as his body felt his dear sweet mate's words like a knife, impaling each of his vital organs.

Kassandra's head shook as her thumb swiped over his cheek. Sweetly, she turned her attention beyond him and said, "Meda, sweetie, I'm taking your father away for a bit. Act responsibly in the absence of a reliable adult."

"Hey," Alexios stated.

She turned on her heel. "I said what I said." And, with that, she pulled Pollux out of his house and dragged him to her car.