Chapter 4

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Immediately banished.

Alexios—bless him—is staring right at me with the most confuddled look in the world on his face.

Castor's pets , who happen to be goblins, have only just finished dragging my baby's things into my house and placing them in the locations I designated.

They're gone now, leaving me with my baby, my…soulmate, and my thoughts.

The fragile weight of my sweet little boy rests in my arms, his every breath making my heartbeat stutter. He is everything. I need to do right by him, raise him well, keep him as far away from the evil prince as possible. Protect him. Love him.

Do everything for him that my parents never did for me.

I have spent so much of my life wanting a child.

Now that I have him in my arms it's daunting.

I know it's not just because my baby is a faerie, which surely means he'll come with challenges I can't imagine. All babies—human and faerie alike—come with a slew of unexpected behaviors never outlined in any parenting books.

When it comes to children , no one is ever truly prepared .

Alexios regains his senses, lifts a hand to his mouth, and clears his throat. "Perhaps I misheard you. It has already been a long night. Could you repeat yourself?"

"I could, but I think you heard me perfectly."

Alexios's smile twitches. "Are you aware that many fae have delayed auditory processing issues?"

" Delayed , huh? I'll give you a few more seconds then." I focus entirely on my son, whose beautiful eyes have been fighting sleepiness ever since I fed him the concoction Castor provided. His food is definitely a formula , but it is definitely not store-bought . There's no label with directions or ingredients. Which is, you know, concerning for me. The powder mix also happens to be inside a hollow black gourd in my fridge. When I asked what it was made of, Castor did not give me a straight answer. He merely recommended I not ingest it myself. Or smell it directly. And to wash my hands well if I got too much on my skin for any length of time.

"Zahra," Alexios states, tone immovable.

With sudden awareness, my baby's eyes open.

I rock him and coo, "Shhh, it's okay. Xios was just leaving. His angy voice won't bother you in a moment." Lifting my attention, I glare across my kitchen "Do I really have to repeat myself for you, Xios?"

"I would very much appreciate it if you did."

Heaving a sigh, I stare down my nose at the royal swear word. "I refuse to live in fornication. Sleep outside."

His eyes close. He grips his hands together in front of his crisp slacks. When his eyes open again, lightning crackles through the gray. Vaguely amused, he murmurs, "Doesn't living in fornication require us to fornicate , snowflake?" He doesn't move from where he's standing on the other side of the room, but the press of his presence alone sits on my chest. "You can't be worried about mere appearances. Most shouldn't know that I or that child are here, and Castor set charms in place to keep our scents from clinging to you."

Regally, I provide, "Charms don't work on God."

"God knows we aren't fornicating."

"For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. It's best not to tempt you with immoral ideas by having us both beneath the same roof." Sure, it's an argument twisted in sick favor of purity culture , which implies I am responsible for his thoughts, and he shouldn't pluck out his eyes if those thoughts wander, but I don't care.

If authoritarian Christians can use the Bible as a beating stick, going so far as to justify literal beatings with it, I think I'm allowed to suggest the Good Word is pro Give Zahra the Alone Time She Needs .

Lord knows I'm about to start sobbing.

I have a baby . My lifelong dream of becoming a mother is in my arms. It comes with strings and hurdles, but I have a son . And no matter what Castor is planning, he'll have to walk over my dead body before he drags my little boy away.

Suffice to say, right now, I just want to be left alone with all my tangled emotions.

Alexios draws his fingers to his lips, never once lifting his gaze from me. "Let me make something remarkably clear: my thoughts about you will never be immoral. If you believe adultery begins in the mind, rest assured no other woman can so much as graze the exalted opinion I hold you in. No other woman has ever ignited the feelings I feel for you, and in the absence of your nearness since we first met, my thoughts have rarely strayed from your existence. You are the beginning and end of any carnal delusions. In my heart, you are mine. We are wed. There will never be another." His plastic smile evaporates. " Were I to touch you, it could not, by definition, be fornication."

"We aren't married," I hiss. "I know that claiming a soulmate isn't the same as getting married, so it would , actually, by definition be fornication."

"Marriage is a covenant of intimate exclusivity. Were we to embark on such activities, you would be my only. Forever."

Something in my stomach goes impressively sour. "It sounds like you're removing consent from the whole concept of getting married."

"I am not saying I will act without your permission. I am saying that to act is to commit myself to such a covenant. As far as I am concerned, I have already made such a commitment in my heart. Therefore, no dastardly thoughts or actions that might spawn while we rest beneath the same roof could count as a breach of infidelity."

A breath shakes through my lungs, and it takes every ounce of restraint in me to keep my voice level. "Is that so?"

"It is the way I understand it."

"Cool. Nice to know." It hurts to swallow. "Alexios," I state, "get the—" I swear. "—out of my house."

※

Xios

Zahra is pissing me off.

Arms crossed on her lavish patio, I stare at her backyard, which happens to be laid out like a makeshift village square. It's… charming . And, yes, I'm being sarcastic.

Fae constraints allow me such kindnesses within the prison of my own mind.

The quaint wooden structures boast an eclectic number of wares. Surrounded by a slew of canvas tents, fire pits filled with old, damp ashes mark gathering points on the building outskirts. Dawdling in my misery, I march toward one encampment and peruse a vacant spit over a dormant pit. When I am in my Honduran White Bat form, I'm small enough to perch comfortably on the smooth pike, but I don't want to.

Everything today has gone marvelously wrong.

At this point, I'm supposed to be safe and cozy in my lover's home, listening for an ent's whimpers throughout the night, so I may intercede before he has a chance to wake her.

My mental pictures of these moments were quite excruciatingly adorable…and yet…

My lip curls as I cast a wayward glance toward Zahra's bedroom window in the same instant she drags a curtain over it, leaving nothing but a dark glass behind.

She has ruined everything.

Involuntarily, my fingers drum against my bicep as I peer—helplessly—toward the shadowed window.

Freaking ducks.

How dare she be like this?

What was so important to her that she didn't want to blindly give me everything?

Her autonomy ?

What a joke.

Jerking my phone out of my pocket, I allow the magic making up my gloves to fade right at my thumbs, then I type, furiously.

Xios : I hate everything

Xios : My soulmate is the worst.

In case it must be said, fae constraints also, mercifully, allow me to share falsehoods in writing.

Willow : It's two in the morning. Why are you awake?

Xios : I could ask you the same question. Are you lamenting as well?

Willow : I'm finishing one more chapter.

Of course she is.

Xios : And where is Zy?

She sends me a picture of her peeved expression, because Zy— or Zylus , her vampire cat soulmate—is currently a limp black noodle curled around her neck. All safe and cozy. Despite the fact his errors allowed my older sister, Andromeda, to attack her in the dead of night just over three years ago. When Andromeda came into existence, she was a boogey creature, a culmination of Zylus's very own fears. Pollux's tampering gave her consciousness beyond her initial code, and now that the secrets are out, she considers both Willow and Zylus to be her mothers .

What grand strange fun fae ages and relationships happen to be…

Ever since I came into being last summer, I have learned that life is about the journeys , not the destinations.

Unfortunately, I prefer instant gratification and require dopamine like a junkie. My stamina is quite impressively low, and my patience for the time in between treats is severely lacking.

Add plans not going to plan to the atrocious mix, and it's remarkable I'm not throwing things right now.

Willow : What happened with Zahra?

I scoff. What happened ? What happened? What didn't happen is a better question!

Because absolutely nothing happened.

The. Outrage.

Xios : She outsmarted me.

And my skin is itchy. And the clothes I weave out of magic are heavy. And my face is burning . This frustration has nowhere to go. So it's sticking to my ribs and weighing a million pounds.

Xios : Then she told me to sleep outside.

Xios : As you can imagine, my distress levels are incomprehensible.

Willow : You're welcome to sleep here if you need to.

So sweet. It's like she doesn't understand that I'm venting . Which means I must tell her directly.

Xios : I appreciate the offer, but I have no shortage of places to stay.

Xios : I'm just upset.

Willow : Because your soulmate is smarter than you?

My brow arches. What a silly thing to say.

Xios : No, of course not.

My gaze drifts skyward, to that bleak window once more. I can feel Zahra's presence beyond the thick curtain. Her emotions are a knotted mess that she's working to straighten while she cradles the ent boy in her arms. She's fragile on the inside, as beautiful and delicate as blown glass.

I wish I were playing with the frail pieces, caressing and kissing each until they were whole and full again.

It stands to reason, I am not upset because she outsmarted me and ruined all my plans and banished me from her side to lament in a still-chilly spring night.

I am upset because I woke up this morning with an idea of my soulmate, consumed by the vague sensation of what having one meant.

Now?

Now I'm smitten. Enamored. Helpless. Hopeless.

And so displaced from the beautiful creature meant to be mine it physically hurts.

My phone buzzes in my hands, regaining my attention.

Willow : Sooo…what's the problem?

What's the problem, indeed. Sighing, I respond:

Xios : I am very much in love with her.

And I was very much not expecting this attack on my heart to come near as violently as it has. Nor as swiftly as it seems to.

I have barely gotten used to existing with organs .

Literally how dare she upset them further…

My heart is beating too fast. My stomach is swirling and fluttering. My lungs…they've gone and forgotten their singular directive. It's like I can't breathe when I'm around her. Yet not being around her is worse. Pretending that I'm operating as though my insides aren't committing constant mutiny in her presence when everything about her is a marvelous distraction wears my too many nerves thin.

Wetting my lips, I valiantly attempt to ignore the uncomfortable burn flushing my face. "Fornication," I whisper, spiteful. How absurd. And insulting. I barely tolerate touch.

And her?

She flinches at the prospect of it.

I worry that learning the origin of her reaction will make me violent, so I turn my phone off after Willow sends me a degrading gif, set it in a dry place beneath a patio awning with my enchanted cuff links, and shift into a tiny Honduran White Bat.

When I'm not wearing the enchanted cuff links Pollux made to help dampen sounds and scents for me, being in my bat form is the only tolerable way to experience the world.

For one reason or another, it's more grounding to have so much excess stimuli when my feet are not on the ground.

For one reason or another, when I perch beneath Zahra's window and hear her quiet sobs, I wish some of the excess stimuli were the result of my arms wrapped tight around her quivering shoulders…

Perhaps I went too far…

Alternatively, perhaps I have not yet gone far enough.

As with most things, only time will tell, and only sleep can make the waiting more bearable.