Chapter 26

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Where do I put my hate?

Xios

Rubbing Ash's back while he sleeps against my chest in his wrap, I watch Castor sweep through Zahra's kitchen—with a literal broom. He finished washing the counters a few moments ago, and before that he tidied up the few dishes I had left after bringing Zahra breakfast upstairs.

She's asleep right now.

Oblivious to how deeply last night haunts me.

Please, Dad. Don't.

It has taken everything in me to subdue the rage since I discovered what happened to my soulmate when she was a child. The slim hope her offender had rested in his anonymity. Now, that anonymity is gone.

It was her father . Her own blood .

The desire to hunt him like a wild animal then maim him over and over simmers like oil in the pit of my gut, scalding every last one of my overachieving organs.

When I came into life, I thought I held a general hatred for many things—like the mandatory nature of breathing . As it turns out, I have never hated anything before. I have known paltry distaste for nothing of true consequence.

Now, I know real hatred.

All morning, I've been contemplating how to cause pain that comes just short of killing a mortal. I've considered the possibility that Zahra's fae pieces are from him , and I've considered stealing his humanity and leaving him as a friendless, helpless, useless asteriai, if only so I'll have longer to strip the flesh from his bones, watch it grow back, and do it again .

" No roleplay session!" Castor declares, for the umpteenth time. I forgot to mention that he's been complaining ever since he showed up, saw me cleaning, and tied back his long sleeves to help. "What a joke," he snaps. "She cannot be allowed to take my merriment away. I get one fun day a month to play with my friends. And now she's ill ? So my brilliant suggestion of relocating LARP day to this Friday goes unanswered? There are insufficient tiny moving pictures to express myself with."

Tiny moving pictures.

He's talking about the gifs he's been periodically sending me since Zahra told him she was too sick to deal with his hissy fit texts. He didn't listen until she threatened to block his number.

I sigh. "Castor."

He stops pissily sweeping to toss a pout my way. "Yes?"

"I can't help you with LARP day, but perhaps you could help me with something?"

"A request?" he murmurs. "A blatant one, no less. Why, I could ask a favor in return for such a thing."

"Assuming the favor doesn't harm anyone I love, I would give it to you for this help."

He pauses. Then he sighs. Resting the stick of the broom against the counter, he slips around the island, pulls out the stool next to me, and takes a seat. "I suppose I can't ignore it forever. You've been stewing in incomprehensible loathing since I showed up. Do speak to me."

Forcing a breath to stretch the tightness out of my lungs, I say, "I would like to locate and torture someone until by pure accident my rage kills them, because I know it will. Even though my interests lie in providing them with perpetual agony, I don't believe myself capable of restraint."

"You want my help in seeing that you become a murderer?"

"I do not yet have the knowledge on how to track someone down. It's a human, so I have considered talking to Willow, since she knows how to find humans with limited information, but making her an accomplice to this…even if she never has to know…feels unkind."

Castor's tone deepens as he murmurs, "And you perceive I have no inhibitions where it concerns assisting you?"

"Do you?"

He rests back against the counter. "Quite."

"Would you change your mind if I listed this man's crimes?" Anger vibrates in my voice before I can hold it at bay.

"Xios," Castor begins, low and soothing, "whatever his crimes, they are not worth soiling your soul."

"I couldn't care less about keeping my soul clean . I am already not blameless, so it matters little what sorts of other sins might taint me."

"Intentional torture and murder leave a trail, Xios. Creatures like us do rank our faults, and there is a difference in the way some actions hold onto us. When you've taken a life, it does not go away. Even if it happens so regularly you wonder why you have not gone numb to the sensation. So long as you grieve the loss of life, the pain does not dim."

My words strangle me. "Someone has done something terrible to my mate, Castor. They cannot be allowed to survive freely."

"Heinous actions in the human communities do not go unpunished."

"With the way the human world functions, I am certain his has."

"The mortals of this world are not the sole acting forces. Nothing, in the end, goes unpunished. Despicable actions do not come from painless places. Life alone will be a unique torture."

"That is not enough for me," I whisper, hand trembling against Ash's back.

Reaching, Castor pulls my hand free, gripping it in his. "I will not allow you to live with my regrets. If someone must be tortured, allow me the burden. I am no stranger to such guilt or the weight of its impact. You, my friend, are, and I would see to it I do everything in my power to maintain that unfamiliarity."

Mouth dry, I say, "Promise me the information I share with you now goes no further."

"To the extent that it will cause you no harm, I promise to keep your confidence."

"Zahra's father raped her when she was nine."

Castor's grip flinches around my hand.

Emotion suffocates me, and I can hardly breathe. "I don't know what to do. I want him to pay . I know it will change nothing. I taste the undertones of my love's pain every day I'm with her. She carries these and other horrors with her constantly. I need to fix it . But I…I don't know how."

"Retribution won't undo anything." Castor works his free fingers back into his hair, gripping the white strands at the roots. "Even if you were to take her memory of what happened, it would not fix the damage caused to her body. I understand now…why I felt as though something had died too soon within her. It was not happenstance. It was killed." Rising, Castor leans carefully over Ash to touch a kiss to my forehead. It tickles uncomfortably, but I'm too baffled by the action itself to give the sensation much thought. "Breathe, Xios. She has not let her past destroy her, and she would not want it to destroy you."

Fighting, I follow through on an exhale, letting the air escape between my lips. "What am I supposed to do, Castor?"

"What are soulmates always called to do for each other, Xios? You are meant to love her and protect her now that you can. Leave vengeance to me." He smiles, weakly. "You're much too sweet for the taste of it."

"What are you going to do?"

"With your permission, nothing. Of my own accord, I may be inclined to pay her father a visit…if only to make certain he is miserable all on his own. Regardless of what I might decide to do on the chance he isn't suffering in his own depravity, you are not responsible." His smile chills me to the bone. "Understood?"

Breathing no easier, I murmur, "Understood…"

And, just like that, Castor goes back to sweeping as though nothing at all has changed.

For me, it seems as though everything has.