Chapter 19

ChapterNineteen

Sadie

“Oh my God!” Katie yells into the phone. “I can’t believe you haven’t told me that you’re not even staying with Lucy until now. I mean, you’re staying with a man! Sadie.”

“I know.”

“You should have told me!”

“I know. I know. I agree. I’m a bad friend—a terrible friend. I should have told you.”

“Why didn’t you?” Her voice is so sincere, I can tell she’s worried about me.

“I don’t know,” I start, then add, “Because you told me not to do it, maybe. I didn’t want to hear a smug ‘I told you so.’”

“I wouldn’t have said that,” she argues. “At least not until you were home.”

I snort, but she asks, “Are you coming home?”

“No, I’m not coming home.”

“Are you sure? I mean, this is kind of fucked up, girl.”

“I know it is.” I rub my fingers into my brow and repeat, “I know it is. I should be, like, really mad at Lucy for this, but I’m not. It’s working out. It’s crazy—but it’s working out.”

“You haven’t said much about him—other than he doesn’t say much. Is he nice to you?”

“Katie,” I sigh her name. “He’s amazing.”

“Whoa, well, that took a turn. Fast. He’s gone from dark and mysterious, and a little unfriendly to—he’s amazing—I don’t know what to think right now, Sadie.”

“I know…”

“I don’t even know if you’re safe.”

“I’m safe.”

“Okay,” she says hesitantly. “What about your heart? Is that safe?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. You’re just like your mom. You jet off to some crazy ass location and your crazy ass heart falls head over heels for a man. Are you even going to come home?”

“Of course, I’m coming home. Everything I own is there. Everything Mom and Dad left me is there.”

“Okay, okay. You’ll come home.” She deadpans. “But are you going to come home just to pack your shit and jet off again?”

“No. Maybe? I don’t know, Katie.”

“You’re in trouble, babe.”

“He makes me feel—just—everything.”

“Everything is a lot.”

“I know,” I agree, pathetically, because she’s not wrong. Everything is a lot. It’s too much. This man is too much, and I keep replaying the kiss we shared in the vet clinic.

It was intense. It was hot and so possessive.

I’ve never experienced anything like that from any man. I get it. The vet was flirting with me. I could tell he wanted to ask me out. I would have said no, but when he asked how I knew Nick, I didn’t know how to reply.

I don’t know what I am to him. But the possessive way he kissed me says I’m his.

And the way he growled mine says there’s no question about that. But I don’t know what being his means.

Does he mean I am his while I’m here? Does he mean that the next few weeks over the Christmas holiday that we’re going to have this hot and wild affair, and then we’re going to call it quits and I’m going to go home and take my new cat and forget all about him? Because that’s not how this is going to work for me. I’m going to remember him. I’m going to remember the smell of him. I’m never going to forget the taste of him or the way his hands feel on my body. The rough against the soft—the way I fall into him—the way I forget everything when he kisses me. I’m not going to forget that. I’m not going to forget him. And Katie’s right—he might be safe, but my heart isn’t.

My heart is in this, and that’s terrifying to me. Because if all he wants now is a good time, a quick lay, a hot affair—I’ve never been that for anyone. I’ve never wanted to be that for anyone. I’ve been saving myself for the one guy. The last guy. He might not know that, and I don’t know how to tell him that—so right now I’m kind of screwed. Big time.

“Babe?” Katie calls.

“Hmm?”

“Where’d you go?”

“I don’t know,” I lie.

“Liar,” she accuses, knowing me inside and out. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re going to fall for this guy, and you’re going to fall hard.”

“I already am,” I whine.

“Just—just don’t give him everything, okay?” she pleads softly. “If he’s not going to give it all to you, hold a little bit of yourself back.”

“How do I do that?”

“Just have fun,” she tells me genuinely. “I know that wasn’t your plan, that you’ve always planned on giving yourself to that one guy, that special guy. But babe, maybe that special guy doesn’t exist. You’ve just got to let yourself have fun. Explore. The right guy will come around when it’s right. Maybe he won’t be the special guy, but he’ll be the right guy.”

Her words crush me hard, because the reality is she’s probably right. I’ve been clinging to a fantasy, hoping for a love like Mom and Dad had—dreaming to live a life like they did. But that’s not my life. And maybe that’s not in the stars for me.

I have to accept that. “Yeah.” I try to push enthusiasm into my voice, but Katie hears through it. She always hears through it.

“It’s going to be okay, and you can come home anytime. I’ll pick you up from the airport whenever. You and your new cat.” She snorts a laugh before getting serious and soft again. “Whenever, Sadie.”

“Thanks.”

“Have fun and be crazy, like me,” she encourages.

I laugh because she is crazy. She would take this crazy ass situation by the horns, and she’d ride it like a devil without a care. I wish I could be more like her.

“Crazy. Got it. I’ll be crazy.”

“No, you won’t.” She sighs. “But you’ll try, and that’s the best I can ask for.”

I laugh again, because again, she’s right. “Well, being crazy is what got me here in the first place. So, who knows? Maybe I really will let loose and be crazy. Ride the bull.”

“Girl, ride the man, not the bull.”

I snort. “You are so dirty all the time!”

Yep, I am. And I expect you to call me with all the dirty details,” she huffs. “I know you’re holding out on me. So, you get your shit together. You figure out how you’re going to tell me, and then you tell me. I’ll be waiting for you to call.”

“Yeah, okay.” I roll my eyes and know damn well she hears it. “Have a good one, Katie. Love you.”

“Tootles.” Her lips smack as she blows a kiss into the phone. “Love you back.”

And then she clicks off and I’m left to hurry to get myself ready for a night with Nick’s friend and his wife. I’m nervous as hell, but at least I’ll have some time to figure out what I’m doing with Nick.