Chapter 10

10

JODI

I hated how panicky I felt. How easily thrown into hyperventilating and paranoia I was. How I had the urge to just run, run into nothingness, anywhere, as far as I could before collapsing in exhaustion. How I had to rely on tricks to avoid or ride through a panic attack and how ingrained those steps were in me that I could do them for myself, even if I didn’t have someone to coach me. How I had become my own coach, my own first aid attendant, my own voice of reason.

I hated how Derek was so kind about it all. How he had been such a jerk and now he was bending over backward to be nice, to be kind and helpful. How he’d blocked the entrance to the room but kept the door open so I didn’t feel completely enclosed but still safe. How he kept an eye on the door even though he had no idea what my brother looked like or what kind of danger he could be. How he offered to bring me water and talk through what was going on rather than just telling me to fend for myself.

Most of all, I hated that somehow my brother had found me. Jack was relentless, but I didn’t think he was this dogged. I didn’t think he would do it himself. Hire someone to find me? Sure. I could see that. And while it made it terrifying that someone could be watching me and I didn’t know them, it was so much worse to see Jack, apparently on the case, looking for me so close to where I was.

Derek was staring at me, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. I had told him I wanted to go back to work so I could feel normal, so I could concentrate on something else. All that was true, but there was always the lingering thought that I needed as much money as possible in case I needed to just go. If Jack was in town, that meant I wasn’t safe. If I needed to, I could pocket my tips for today and just bolt.

Derek was holding my bags. He had gone to get them from the back door and was holding them with the air of someone who was starting to wrap their head around what they felt needed to happen. He was forming a plan to help me, and part of me resented it. I wanted to fight back. I wanted to cry, falling apart and curling up in a ball on the ground. My emotions, my thoughts were so torn and scattered, though, that it left me just sitting there, staring back at him.

“I grabbed your bags,” he said. “The staff will be here any minute, and I didn’t want anyone tripping over them, or worse, tossing them somewhere. You can leave them in here if you need to, but they will be safer in my office over there. No one will get into them there since only my brothers and I have the keys.”

I nodded as I rolled another set of silverware. The numbness was what I needed, and if I started right then, forcing myself not to feel anything, I could get through the night. I needed to lean into the numb feeling and just let Derek try to help. If I could somehow get through the night without Jack finding me, I could spend the next day trying to figure out how he had known to come here looking. So it wouldn’t happen again.

Derek motioned for me to follow him, and I put a roll of silverware down. I followed him to the office and watched as he stuffed my bags, all my worldly possessions and the tiny safe that represented every dollar I had, my very survival, under a chair. His office was eclectic but welcoming. It certainly seemed to represent his personality. There were pictures of him in different places around the world, all wearing a chef’s coat. A few pictures of him and Ally were around, showing them clearly younger than they currently were, but then also a picture of Ally with who I assumed was her fiancé and baby.

Books lined one wall, and I realized that at least half of them were cookbooks. Every celebrity chef I had ever seen on television or heard about had a couple of books on those shelves, and they sat alongside classics I had read in school or at least had known about. There were also old CDs lining the bottom of the shelves, and I recognized the names of a few heavy metal bands as well as classical composers.

“They should be fine under there,” Derek said. “Like I said, my brothers have keys, but they are only for emergencies. Otherwise, the only person that unlocks this door is me. But if you want me to give you a key for the day so you can access your stuff, I don’t mind. I won’t need to get in there for anything today.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “They will be fine in there. I just want to get back to work.”

“Carry on, then. I’ll be here if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” I said, but I could almost sense my voice being far away. I was already disappearing, and the monotonous act of rolling silverware was helping. The sound of the television that Derek flipped on helped too. It was soothing. I tried to unclench my jaw and force myself to relax.

When I rolled enough silverware, I brought the bucket out and stuffed it under the bar where it belonged. Then I went about table checks, making sure they each had what they needed. Ally had arrived at some point and was eyeing me, clearly knowing something was up, but I tried to ignore her.

I couldn’t focus on Ally. I couldn’t focus on Derek. They were distractions, slippery slopes that brought me back to what my mind really wanted to think about and couldn’t.

If Jack could find me, so could my parents.

So could Lincoln.

I shook my head. I couldn’t think about them. Not my parents, not the man they all wanted me to marry, not any of them. I had to double down and focus only on being this new person I was. Being Jodi, the waitress at the King Vineyard. Being peppy and bright and attentive so I brought home higher tips. Being able to put as much of that away as possible, even if it meant I went a little hungry, so I could have a nest egg to survive on if I had to bolt and go somewhere new. The money was so good at the vineyard that I could build up months’ worth of running and hiding time in a few weeks.

I just needed to get through the shift first. Then I could decide if I needed to leave the next day or if I could stay a while. If I laid low enough, maybe Jack would move on, and they would think that I had left already. That was always a possibility.

The looks from Ally didn’t stop, and as customers filed into the restaurant for dinner service, I did my best to block everything else out. I kept the menu in my back pocket but had to pull it out a few times to clarify something at a table. The guests there were clearly used to the waitstaff being able to remember everything off the top of their heads, and I wasn’t doing the greatest on tips. Still, not great on tips in the King restaurant was still decent money, and I tried not to let it get to me as I made it through the shift.

My eyes kept flicking over to the big double doors at the front of the restaurant. Every time it opened, I was sure I would see Jack standing there. Maybe Lincoln would be with him. They would have come for me and dragged me back.

But they never came, and my distraction probably caused a further dent in my earnings. By the end of the night, I was going overboard with the fake smile and bouncy voice to try to recoup the losses, but it was no good. What I had come to think of the character of Jodi the Waitress was not as convincing that day.

As the last table in my section left and I went over to clean it off, grabbing the tip and stuffing it down into my apron, I let out a giant sigh of relief. Maybe the tips weren’t great, and maybe my stomach hurt a little from the stress, and maybe I realized I hadn’t eaten in several hours, but at least I’d made it. I’d made it through the shift and didn’t break down, didn’t run away and give up. I pushed through, and that was something to celebrate, even a little bit inside my own mind.

Derek had unlocked the door to the office for me as I made it back to the back, and I was stuffing my money into the bag with my back to the door when he reached out to touch my shoulder. I jumped, even though I knew it was him somewhere in the back of my mind. When I spun over to see him, his hands were in the air, palms up.

“Sorry,” he said. “I just came back to ask if you had a place to go tonight?”

I shook my head before I could think of a lie. I didn’t want to put him out any more, and Ally had already left hours ago to go home to her fiancé and daughter. Charlotte had left too, just before I went into the office, and I was planning on just finding some way to survive the night ahead on my own.

“I’ll figure something out,” I muttered.

“Nah,” Derek said. “I have a spare room at home. Come on.”

I stared at him as he walked away, but it wasn’t like he gave me a choice either. He offered, and I had nowhere else to go. I shrugged and followed him. At least it was a better option than sleeping in my car.