35. Everly

Chapter 35

Everly

I bite my lip so hard, and I don’t realize it until it hurts as I drive to the Cozy Creek Lodge and circle it in search of a parking spot. I was surprised to learn that my dad was in town from Nash. I was disappointed that he couldn’t be bothered to call me himself and let me know that he was in town with his new family. Not mine, his new family.

And this hurts mostly because I don’t understand any of this. Why haven’t I ever been important enough to my dad? Why doesn’t he want to be a father to me or a grandfather to Willow?

I’m tired of always feeling like something is wrong with me, so I’m going to find him and ask him. I have to do this. I’m tired of always wondering why. No matter how much it hurts, I’m going to find out tonight .

Nash is working his shift at the pub, and Willow is at home tired after a long day with Nash that she can’t stop talking about. Hayley was angry and unsure about me going alone to confront him, but I convinced her that I needed to do this.

I get out and throw my purse across my chest and pull my jacket tighter, the brisk fall night finally feeling like we’re closer to our first snow of the season.

I trudge up to the lodge and the front desk. I have no idea how I’m going to find him, but I’ll find him. I didn’t even bother trying to call him. Most of the time, my calls and texts go without a reply, so that’s no use. I pull my gloves off and stuff them in my purse while waiting in line at the lobby desk.

As I wait, I take in the big stone fireplace with a fire going. Guests are around, luggage carts pass through the lobby, and soft music plays.

Dishware clinks and clatters in the restaurant, and I look over and see them. Having dinner like a family. My dad sits to the left, and across from him is his wife and the kids are on each side of him. He listens intently to something one of the kids says. I think one of them is Madison. Maybe I’m the asshole for not even knowing their names.

My dad’s gaze happens to catch mine, probably since I’m frozen outside the entrance to the dining room staring at him. He registers my face and looks surprised. He says something and stands to cross to where I’m standing just watching him live his life like I don’t exist. Baffled, I watch as he approaches me, and I feel nothing for him. Hurt, but nothing. No paternal bond, nothing. And I wonder if that’s how Willow will feel someday toward her dad.

“Everly?” He breaks my thoughts as he stands a far distance from me. As if I’m a stranger and not his daughter. I don’t know much about how normal families work, but I would guess that if a father hasn’t seen his daughter in years, he would probably hug her. Not stand awkwardly ten feet away and hesitantly stare at me like Brian is doing right now.

“Brian,” I say calmly as I stare at him, waiting to see his next move.

“What are you doing here?” He winces at me calling him by his first name. His words awkwardly come out, and he shifts his feet nervously.

“I heard you were here,” I answer honestly, not sure what else to say. But then I bravely add, “Were you going to call me?”

He swallows and looks back at his family watching and then back at me.

“I’ll take that as a no,” I say as I fold my arms across my chest.

He looks over my shoulder and then quickly back at me. I turn and see Nash leaning against the doorway, his cowboy hat pulled low, arms crossed watching Brian.

He must have known I’d come here looking for him.

When he sees us watching him, he comes over and slides his hand into mine, standing tall next to me.

I smile at him quickly and shake my head, not surprised at all that he’s here and has my back.

“I take it you two are together, now?” Brian asks, looking at Nash and back at me.

“I’m just looking after my girl,” Nash says, lifting his chin. A pointed jut at Brian.

Brian at least has the decency to look ashamed. “I guess I deserve that.”

“Can we talk for a minute? I have some things I’d like to get off my chest,” I say quietly.

My dad nods, and we walk into the lodge library that is empty off the lobby. Nash shuts the door so we can have some privacy and stands in front of it, giving me space with my dad.

“I’m just going to come right out and say it. Why do I not matter to you, Dad?” I ask as I fold my arms across my chest, feeling cold.

Brian hangs his head. “It’s not that, boo. I just…I failed. And then I didn’t know how to make it up to you, and I didn’t feel like I deserved to even try.”

“You got married and didn’t even invite me to the wedding,” I accuse, hurt filling me.

“I thought in some ways if I just started over and made a clean break, then you could move on and be with the McCreedys. You were always happier with them. They gave you so much more than I could ever have given you,” he says as he looks up and doesn’t look at me.

“You left me a long time before you moved away with Jennifer and her kids. I have very few memories with you after Mom died. I tried to do anything I could to get your attention and spend time with you. But you chose the pub and trucking over me. You left me at the McCreedy’s. You chose that for me,” I say, feeling like the air just whooshes out of my lungs, finally feeling free as I get this off my chest.

“I know, and I’m so sorry, boo. I’ve been sober for seven years now. I’m trying to be better,” he says.

“You’re trying with everyone but me and your granddaughter. So you just don’t want anything to do with us? If so, let’s just get this done so we know officially where everyone stands,” I say as I cross my arms.

“No, that’s not it. I promise. I’ve reached for my phone to text and call you so many times, and I’m…I’m embarrassed, and I didn’t know what to say,” he admits, his red eyes reaching mine.

And for some reason at this moment, I see him. I really see him. He was a young dad doing his best to navigate grief for his wife and raise a little girl alone. And he messed up a lot. And that guilt ate at him. And when he finally dug himself out of his hole, he latched on to whatever he could, and it wasn’t me. And while all this sucks, it is what it is.

“I don’t know how to make it better,” he says softly.

“What does Jennifer think about me and Willow?” I ask, afraid to hear his answer. I always thought maybe she was the one who didn’t want us around.

“She wants to know you both and for the girls to know you, too. This is on me, kiddo. I did this, not her,” he says as he shuffles his feet, awkward, looking nervous.

A soft knock on the door makes Nash turn and open it. I hear voices murmur, and Nash must have deemed them okay to enter because he holds the door open as Jennifer comes in and approaches us. “Hi,” she says softly as she looks from Brian to me and slides her hand into Brian's, and his body relaxes.

Nash is still leaning against the door, and when he sees me look at him, he comes over and puts his arm around me. “You okay?” he asks as he searches my eyes.

“No, I’m not,” I admit because I have no idea what to say right now.

Nash reaches for my hand and squeezes it gently, pulling me closer to him.

“I heard you’re staying in our old place. We drove by, and it looks great,” Brian says sheepishly, trying to awkwardly make conversation.

“I bought it for her,” Nash says as he stares at Brian, and his face is determined to make my dad squirm. It works. He kind of deserves it. We aren’t going to go too easy on him because he hasn’t made any effort. He drove by the house but didn’t think to stop or reach out to me.

“I should have just left it to you, and I’m sorry for that. I just didn’t think you’d want it after you married Richie. What happened with him?” he asks, suddenly realizing that I’m with Nash and not Richie. Jesus.

“Richie was abusive and neglectful to his family. They are my family now,” Nash adds, and I’m thankful for him being here because right now I’m going back and forth between crying and leaving. Confronting my dad is harder than I thought it would be, so I’m glad Nash came.

I watch his eyes as devastation and regret pass over his face, and his head bows in shame, a quiet sniff sounding in the library. He exhales a long breath, trying to catch hold of his emotions as he says quietly as if he’s fighting for the air in his chest. “I didn’t know, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t try to know,” I say, not letting him off the hook.

“I’m going to try to do better,” he says, looking at Jennifer, who nods at him and me.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I should have pushed harder for you. I just thought this was between you and your dad. I knew things were difficult between you both, but had I known you were hurting like this, I would have stepped in.”

“I would have loved to be a part of your family. Willow would have too,” I say as I look at them.

“It’s not too late,” she says, looking at me, and I get the feeling that she’s being genuine right now. She’s a stranger to me, so I’m not going to hold my breath that what’s being said is true, but she seems to have good intentions with what she’s saying.

“Let me put your number in my phone, if you’re okay with that,” Jennifer says as she reaches into her bag and searches for her phone. She hits a few buttons and hands it to me.

I put my number in and look over at my dad. He nods and gives me a small smile.

“I’m proud of you, boo. And I’m so sorry that I let you down. I can’t fix this right this minute, but I’m going to try,” he says, his hands shaking as he reaches for me and then puts his hands back down .

I reach over and pull him into a hug. He chokes back a sob and pats my back, his body shaking as he sobs.

When he releases me and wipes his eyes, Jennifer leans in and pats my back. “I’m sorry, too, honey. You didn’t deserve that. A lot has happened with your dad, but none of that is more important than you and your little girl.”

We pull back from the hug, and I say, “I’m going to need some time. But maybe we can start by texting and calling.”

My dad nods. “Whatever you want. That would be good.”

I nod and turn to Nash, and he guides me out of the lodge and to his truck. He opens the passenger door and tucks me in, reaching over to buckle me. I suddenly feel exhausted. Like the heavy armor I’ve been wearing for years and that I’ve been so tired of carrying has been set down.

“Wait, the truck…” I say as I remember that I drove here.

“We’ll get it tomorrow. Let’s just go home, Ev,” Nash says as he puts the truck in drive and takes me home.

Home.

That sounds so good right now. I’m so tired. Tonight was just a lot with confronting my dad, and I need to go home.

“Who is working at the pub?” I ask.

“Kincaid. My family needed me,” he says as he puts his hand on my thigh and squeezes gently.

I’m not sure what the future holds with my dad and Jennifer, but I do feel more at peace about it. One thing I know for sure is that sometimes family isn’t what you think it is. Sometimes it’s the people who show up when you really need them, and it looks different from how you think it will look.

It feels messy and right.

Warm tears slide down my face as I look out over our town on the way home. They feel like tears of relief.

Nash doesn’t say anything, but he pulls me closer to him.

When we pull up behind my house, I see in the windows that Mack and Anna are there, and Hayley comes out onto the porch when Nash turns his truck off.

“How did it go?” Hayley asks as she looks at me worried.

“It was okay, actually. I’m not sure what will happen with him, but I feel better going and seeing him. I’m glad you were there,” I say to Nash as he stuffs his hands in his pockets and joins me on the porch.

“Want some cookies? Mom and Willow are baking.” She nods toward the kitchen.

“Yeah.” I smile as I step inside, and Willow has wet, combed hair like she’s had her shower. She’s wearing new pumpkin pajamas and has the biggest smile on her face.

“Mom! We’re baking,” she says excitedly as she comes over and puts her arms around my waist.

“It smells so good in here,” I tell her.

I look up and realize that Anna and Mack are watching me and look worried.

“Hey, Willow tree, let’s go read some more of your new graphic novel,” Nash says.

“Okay! Be right back, Anna,” she says as she races off to her room .

Anna pulls me into a big hug and holds me for one of her all-time longer-than-normal hugs that give a piece to my mom.

It makes me smile, and I close my eyes, breathing in her vanilla-and-cookie scent.

“We love you so much,” Anna says as she releases me.

Mack promptly scoops in and tells me in his Irish accent, “We’re so glad you’re our girls.”

“I love you both. Thank you for everything you’ve always done for me and now for Willow. I don’t know what I did to deserve a family like you guys.”

“You’re a very special girl,” Mack says. “We’re all lucky to call you ours. Especially that boy of ours. He might be the luckiest.”

I chuckle and smile at them. “You didn’t have to come to town for us tonight.”

“Of course we did,” Anna says. “That’s what family does.”

Because sometimes family isn’t who you started with; it’s who you end up with.