22. Twenty-Two

Val

On the ride back home, my thoughts are so jumbled. I overheard what Chase said to one of the guys at the cookout.

I already knew how he felt about kids. One night after we got the backyard fixed up we were sitting out on the deck. We somehow got around to discussing children. Chase shuddered and said he wouldn’t know what to do with a kid. He felt he was too immature to raise a child. He didn’t think he’d be a good father. He was vehement.

So, why did his remarks bother me today? It’s not like we’re really married. Well, we are, but it’s temporary. This marriage will all be over in one year, and then we’ll get a divorce.

The sex has been so great. I’ve been sticking to our deal and just enjoying the pleasure we can give each other. In the back of my mind, though, I’ve allowed myself to believe that this could become a real marriage. How foolish. How naive.

I sternly remind myself: this has an expiration date. In one year, it will be over.

What guy wouldn’t be fine with great sex and home-cooked meals? Add in the fact there is no commitment after a year, and any man would jump at the chance. Wouldn’t they?

Chase and I have always gotten along— as neighbors and as friends. I mean, in a duplex, you have to get along with the person next door. I put up with the rumble of his motorcycle, and he put up with my plants and me. We’ve been getting along so well that I almost forgot it’s a fake marriage.

Fake. My heart sinks when I realize I want more than just sharing our bodies. I want it all. Love, a true marriage, and someday I’ll want children. I’ve always wanted kids. What if—

“We’re home, you coming in? You seem lost in thought. Still thinking about your folks?”

“Um... yeah,” I feel like I need some time alone with my thoughts, ”I need to get a few things from my apartment. I’ll be over in a few minutes.”

“No problem. Take your time. Let me know if you need help, though. Okay?”

“Thanks.”

I go into my apartment and look around. I used to love this space. Now, I just want to be with Chase. My apartment feels so cold and empty if he isn’t here, sharing the space with me.

Darn it. I need to protect my heart. When Chase walks away, I know it will break. I just can’t let it break me.

I spend a few minutes just moping around my apartment, looking at my things, and feeling sorry for myself.

I finally stop in front of my bedroom mirror.

Okay, Val. Time to put on your big-girl panties and get over this. Enjoy your time with Chase. Just protect your heart. You can do both. It will end in one year, but you’ll have an entire year of great memories to cherish.

I nod my head in determination and then paste a smile on my face and lock up my apartment to join Chase.

“I thought you needed to get some things from your apartment?”

“What?” I look down at my empty hands. “Oh, yeah. I was going to bring over some clothes, but most of them I don’t wear anymore, anyway.”

Chase wiggles his eyebrows up and down. “I know. I have to say I love the way you dress now.”

He’s sitting on the couch, so I walk over and sit down beside him. Instantly, his arm goes around me, and he pulls me in closer. If only this were real.

“I thought you might want to watch a movie. I put in the latest action movie. You good with that?”

He brings up the movie on the screen.

“Of course! I’ve been wanting to watch this one. Everybody at work who’s seen it said it was good.”

“Great,” He hits the play button, and I stay snuggled up against his side.

Even though I pretend to watch the movie, I can’t get into it. Instead, my thoughts stay scattered.

Later, as the credits roll down the screen, I blink as I don’t even realize the movie has ended. I couldn’t even tell you what the movie was about.

I look over at Chase, “Man, that was a good movie. Don’t you think so?”

“Yeah, all that action. It was great.”

I must have sounded convincing because Chase doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss.

“Damn, I forgot I needed to take some things out of my truck. I’ll be right back.”

Then he’s gone. I walk around the apartment, straightening things up. I try to keep my mind blank. For some reason, I feel numb. Like someone’s died, and I know if I think about them, I’ll start crying. Maybe it’s hope. Hope is dying; at least, that’s what it feels like.

I have to stop this moping! I’m going to ruin my time with Chase if I keep thinking about this. And I don’t want to waste a single moment.

I walk outside, “Chase? I thought you might need my help.”

“Thanks. Do you mind holding this?”

He hands me some type of tool that I’m not familiar with.

“Not at all.”

We work together in companionable silence until everything he had stashed in his truck is now in the small storage shed in the backyard.

“That’s the last of it. Thanks for your help.”

“I didn’t mind.”

“What would I do without ya, Val?”

He wraps his arm around my shoulders as we walk back into the house.

Chase looks around the living room and then looks over at me.

“Val, are you feeling a little closed in? This apartment seems a little too small lately, have you noticed? Like the walls are closing in on us? That storage shed is awfully small, too.”

“We can buy a larger shed, but um... Why? Are you feeling hemmed in?”

“Yeah, just a little bit. Why the frown? I guess you really like it here, right?”

“Yes. I’m content. I haven’t been feeling stifled at all.”

“Okay, no worries. It was just a thought. I need to go take a shower after hauling that stuff to the shed.”

I nod and go back into the living room. I suddenly have a pounding headache.

Is Chase feeling hemmed in? Does he feel like the walls are closing in on him? I grab two aspirins out of the cabinet and wash them down with a drink of water. Then I press the cold glass against my forehead.

Is it starting already? Is Chase getting bored? Is our life together just not exciting enough? This is me. It’s who I am. I feel that first crack in my heart. My eyes start to water. I blink furiously, trying to keep the tears from falling.

What is that saying? Oh yeah. The honeymoon is over.

I wearily get ready for bed and crawl in between the cool sheets. I grab my pillow and wrap my arms around it. I hear the shower turn off in the bathroom and close my eyes like I’m asleep.

I want to enjoy the sex with Chase as long as I can, but tonight, I just can’t. I feel like my fragile heart is in danger of breaking, and this is the first crack. If it feels this bad now, just from thinking I could be losing Chase, imagine once our year is up. I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive losing my lover and my closest friend.