12. Rowen

12

ROWEN

Reading the email felt like watching a balloon slowly deflate in real time.

Except the balloon was my whole life.

I held my phone in the bathroom, staring at the screen as the music and chatter of the Christmas party came through from past the door.

It was over.

My acting agent in New York—the only person who had still taken a chance on me after my family’s scandal—was finally ditching me for good.

Just a few weeks ago, my agent had made it seemed like things were actually looking up for me. He’d been in talks to book me a commercial for a giant coffee company in Germany, a place that could make me some money without knowing anything about my family’s tarnished reputation.

But the email I’d just gotten meant that none of that was going to happen.

He was terminating service for me immediately. And now, I had essentially no more shreds of hope for any career back in the city.

I swallowed hard, locking my phone and sliding it into my pocket. I’d walked into this party with Shane feeling like I was on a cloud, happy to be with him and so fucking ready to play the part of his boyfriend. I felt robbed, like I’d been promised such a happy holiday evening, and now I was that deflated balloon.

Just do it for him , I told myself as I gripped the handle on the bathroom door. I had to head back out.

The last vestige of my life as I knew it had just fallen away, but I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to at least ensure Shane could be happy. Stuff your own feelings somewhere far away, just like you always do.

“There you are,” he said, brightening as he saw me. “We have to keep making our rounds. There are about thirty people who are dying to meet you.”

It hurt even more to look at his perfect smile. To see how happy he was, how much simpler it was for him to have a whole, big beautiful family that he wasn’t deeply ashamed of. What would that even feel like?

I sucked in a breath, putting on my best happy poker face.

For a long while, I’d hidden my shitty past from Shane. All I had to do was hide this bad news from him for the rest of the night.

“I need a drink, and then I’m diving into this party with you,” I said.

Shane’s parents' house was a bit newer and bigger than his own, but it still had all of the charm that his house had. They didn’t skimp on glitzy Christmas decorations, and in their living room, the exposed wood beams along the V-shaped vaulted ceiling all had plenty of lights and tinsel and garland hanging from them. Big windows looked out to their backyard, which was full of little lit-up stars and snowflakes.

“Drinks this way,” Shane said, leading me toward the kitchen.

“Oh, fuck,” I said when I saw the setup on the kitchen island. “I’ve never seen this much food in my life.”

They’d gone all out, and plenty of people had brought food and treats to the party, too. Every last inch of the countertops, the island, and the long dining room table were covered in trays of finger foods, snacks, sweets, and bigger serving trays of traditional holiday foods. Another long table at the end of the dining area was packed with liquor bottles, beer, and wine, just about any drink you could ever want at the ready.

“My parents love their holiday party, but this year it’s bigger than ever,” Shane said. “I’m so glad you’re here with me.”

He reached over and squeezed his arm around my waist.

All at once, my heart felt like it was filling up and cracking at the same time. Tonight was everything I’d wanted, other than that stupid email reminding me of who I really was. Where I came from.

“Right. Liquor,” I said. “I’m going to go for that cranberry-ginger mimosa your sister was talking about when we first walked in.”

“Mariel’s got good taste,” Shane assured me. “Which reminds me, she wanted you to meet our other cousin, Laney. Let’s head into the living room.”

The next hour was a total blur of meeting more and more of Shane’s family members. The music turned up, people started drinking and laughing more, and even more people kept walking through the front door.

It was pure magic in Christmas party form. I even saw two of Shane’s elderly distant relatives come together, hugging as they were in the same room for the first time in thirty years. Shane told me the short story: they were two women who were cousins, and had spent lots of time together as kids. But they’d fought a lot during middle age, and had only forgiven each other about a year ago. Tears streamed down their faces as they hugged.

“What were those two ladies even fighting about, back in the day?” I asked Shane as we mingled, walking past a group of kids playing some kind of card game on the hardwood floor in the hallway.

“A refrigerator,” Shane said.

I snorted. “A decades-long feud about a refrigerator?”

“Yes,” he said. “Ethel wanted Betty to give her an old one, but Betty wanted to keep it for her garage as a second fridge… or maybe Betty wanted to give it to a neighbor, but ended up keeping it? I can’t remember the exact details.”

“...And that made them not speak for thirty years?”

“One thing led to another,” Shane said. “The refrigerator made Ethel think Betty hated her, but Ethel didn’t know that Betty was in a tough marriage. She was criticized by her husband for everything she did, fridge choices included. So much was unspoken for so long, but after years of healing… the truth eventually came out. The truth heals everything, I guess.”

My throat was suddenly tight.

It snuck up on me. Just a moment ago I’d been laughing about the old ladies’ feud, but Shane’s words hit me like a wallop to the chest.

The truth heals everything.

I wanted to tell him the truth. So badly. I wanted to let him know that secretly I was grieving the loss of my old life—hell, grieving the loss of my parents as loving figures in my life entirely.

But how could I talk about that on a night that was supposed to be his special night?

Why was talking about myself at all so fucking difficult for me?

“Yeah,” I finally said, coming back to Earth.

He waved a hand through the air. “Eh, maybe I’m wrong, though,” Shane said. “Sometimes the truth doesn’t heal things. Sometimes it really just hurts . And… well, I think it’s time for another cocktail, how about you?”

I cleared my throat. “Yes. Another drink sounds amazing.”

When we went into the bar area at the edge of the dining room, a round of hooting and hollering was already emanating from the corner beside the liquor bottles. We walked over to see Shane’s parents and sister all with red liquor in shot glasses, ready to toss them back.

“There they are!” Shane’s mom said, reaching out to grab my hand and pull us in closer. “Join us for the fifth annual game of Straight Face.”

“Oh, no,” Shane said as he stepped up, joining the circle.

“Now, these are cocktail shots,” Mariel explained. “So don’t worry too much if you lose. It’s not pure liquor.”

“And you will be losing, a lot, after what I put in the hat,” Shane’s dad said.

“How do I play?” I asked.

“We asked everyone around the party to write down funny, crazy, or raunchy things on slips of paper,” Shane’s mom explained. “We all have to reach in, pull them out, and read them out loud in a British accent. Anyone who smiles or laughs has to take a shot.”

“Wait, this is unfair,” Shane protested. “Rowen is a professional actor. He’s probably practiced not laughing a billion times.”

“I have practiced not breaking in front of a camera,” I admitted, “but I’ve never been all that good at it, to be honest.”

Mariel gave me a sideways glance. “But are you telling the truth about that? Shit, you never can tell with a good actor, can you?”

Everyone laughed, and I knew she’d been joking, but guilt pooled in my chest.

I was so tired of it.

Tired of being a good actor, honestly. I just wanted to fucking be myself—completely, fully myself—and not stop to wonder if I shouldn’t.

A quiet storm built up inside me, but I shoved it away. I grabbed one of the tiny glasses of red cocktail and held it up.

“Ready to play.”

We started the first round of the game. Shane pulled out the first slip of paper, his eyes glancing over it. Instantly, he snorted a laugh.

“Shane already lost and he hasn’t even read the damn thing!” his dad said.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said, cracking up and dutifully taking a shot of the cocktail.

“Well, what did it say?” Mariel asked.

“It just said two words: duck butt. Duck. Butt. It’s not even that funny, but I couldn’t stop myself laughing at that.”

“Duck butt!” a kid across the room shouted out. He looked like he was about 9 years old, and he was grinning wide. “That was mine! ”

I cracked up, and so did Mariel and Shane’s mom. All three of us also had to take our shots, and Shane’s dad was the only winner of the round.

“Okay, okay, we’re getting serious now,” Mariel said. “I’m next.”

“Alright, we want in on this game,” Frankie said, he and his fiance coming up and making the circle a little wider.

Mariel fished in the hat and pulled out a paper. She read it aloud in her best British accent.

“What does a hot dog wear for protection? Condom-ments.”

Shane’s dad was the only one who laughed at that one.

“Dad, was that your own joke?” Shane said as his dad took his shot.

“Yes. Yes it was.”

Mariel laughed at that, and Shane pointed at her. “You have to drink, too!”

“Doesn’t count. I’m laughing at how Dad likes his own dad joke, not at the joke itself.”

“I saw you laugh a little even as I was reading it.”

“That was only because your accent is so freaking bad, Mariel,” Shane said, grinning. “Okay, fine, I’ll drink.”

Soon, even Ethel and Betty had joined the circle to play the game, though Shane’s mom made the cocktails much weaker for their shot glasses. When Ethel picked out a slip of paper, her wrinkled hands shaking as she looked down at it, everyone listened in.

“I once took LSD and made out with a random strange woman on top of a mountain,” Ethel read out loud, her eyes widening with every word. “Wow. Suppose that’s more of a confession than a dirty joke. Who on Earth—”

“That was mine,” Betty whispered beside her, a mischievous look on her face.

Everyone started to laugh. “That is not yours, Betty,” Mariel said, incredulous.

“It really is,” she said. “After I got divorced, I had a wild year!”

“Okay, okay, I think we all need to have a round of cheers to that,” Shane said, and we clinked our glasses together, taking a shot in honor of Betty.

We kept playing for many more rounds, some people switching over to shots of ginger ale when they needed to slow down. By the end of the game I had laughed way too much, and thinking anything about my old life in New York honestly felt like some far-off past.

“That was so fun,” Shane’s mom said. She turned to me as the group started to disperse, reaching out to grab my hands. “Rowen, I need to say something. I am so glad you are here.”

“Oh no, Mom’s drunk,” Mariel said, and Shane nodded with a smile beside her.

“I am indeed a bit drunk,” his mom said, a gleam in her eye. “But I mean it when I tell you, I am so happy you came, and that you’re here with Shane. He’s—he’s really needed somebody, and God, I can just see how good you two are together!”

“Holy hell, that’s enough, Mom,” Shane said, a blush settling on his cheeks.

She waved her hand through the air like she was swatting away a fly. “Shaney is going to get all embarrassed, but I’ve been drinking and I don’t care. You two are perfect together. I already know it.”

My heart felt like it was two sizes too big. I’d been drinking enough that I couldn’t shove away my feelings as easily, and as his mom looked me in the eyes, I even felt my throat start to tighten a little.

Fuck. Fuck. What was happening to me?

This kind of thing was supposed to roll off my back. I was doing a great job of pretending to be Shane’s boyfriend, but none of his mother’s words were actually meant for me.

The real me.

The me that had no boyfriend.

That had no one at all.

Shane looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole, and Mariel was grinning.

“Now, I’ve been drinking too,” his dad said, lifting an eyebrow at me. “But I agree with my wife. I’ve never seen my son as happy as he is by your side, Rowen.”

I felt a stinging behind my eyes. Suddenly I felt like I was out of control. That ability I had to keep all my emotions under wraps felt like it was slipping away from me after being at the party and drinking with Shane and his family.

“One last shot,” his mom said, holding up her glass. “To Rowen, who is always welcomed in our family.”

I held up my glass, trying to keep in the torrential downpour of feelings inside me.

I’d never felt welcomed in my own family, even before shit got bad.

And Shane’s family wanted to welcome me in already. With open arms and open hearts.

I took the shot, swallowing past that tightness in my throat, barely keeping it together. There was no denying it anymore. I wanted this to be real. I didn’t want my old life anymore—didn’t want to be anywhere near people who would judge me for no reason other than my family name.

I cleared my throat as everyone went off to mingle. I caught a break as Frankie and his fiance took Shane off to another conversation, and I managed to slip away and out the back door. A couple of people were out back on a smoke break and one man was on the edge of the yard on a phone call.

I made my way to the opposite end of the yard, sitting by myself on a yard chair next to the unused fire pit. The backyard was fairly simple but had plenty of space, and from where I was sitting I could look up at the big, mature oak tree that formed a canopy over this corner of the backyard. They’d strung lights up the trunk as far as they could, and a warm glow was cast over the area where I sat.

I sucked in cold air, trying to wrest my emotions back from the cliff they’d been on.

I’d only been sitting outside for a couple of minutes before I heard crunching on the ground behind me. I turned and saw Shane, and instantly the dam broke.

A few tears fell down my face as he walked over, sitting on the other chair near mine.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “My parents have been drinking, and—”

“Don’t apologize,” I said, wiping off my tears. “Please don’t.”

He looked down at the ground. “I never should have made you do this. The whole fake boyfriend thing just feels wrong.”

I swallowed hard. “It’s been feeling amazing to me, actually,” I said.

He furrowed his brow. I hated seeing him like this—so earnest and sweet, even while I felt like a mess. He deserved better. Deserved something fucking real .

He deserved the truth.

Even if it wasn’t magical at all.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

I looked him in the eye.

“I got an email at the beginning of the night that my agent in New York dropped me,” I said, my voice coming out flat and lifeless. “It’s over for me in the city, I think.”

He instantly reached out and grabbed my shoulder. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”

I shrugged. “It’s probably for the better.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Didn’t want to ruin the fun night at the party,” I said.

“You never ruin anything,” he said softly. “I like knowing about your life, and I’m not sure when you’ll understand that.”

Another tear broke off from my eye. “But I—I don’t think this is just about the email, Shane,” I said, my voice shaking a little.

Shit.

I was really going to do it. I felt the gears turning inside me, unstoppable at this point.

I was going to tell him the entire truth, and probably make a fool of myself. But when my whole life was already unrecognizable… what else did I have to lose?

“I’m here,” he said.

My heart wrenched. He was sweeter than I knew a person could be.

“I don’t want this to end,” I said, gesturing to the space between us. “This is pathetic, but pretending to be your boyfriend has been the best thing I’ve felt in a really long time.”

At first I couldn’t bear to look up at him. I felt tension blooming, like a bubble ready to pop. My heart beat like a drum inside me, knowing this was too much. Knowing I was too much.

But when I finally looked up at him, I saw a tear rolling down his cheek too.

“I thought I was the only one,” he said in a low voice.

Something turned over inside me, a seismic shift.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’ve been dreading the end of this party for a while, now,” he said, his gaze fixed on mine. “I don’t want this to end, either.”

I puffed out a breath like I was exhaling, coming up for air after being trapped underwater.

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

He laughed suddenly, like he couldn’t believe it, either. “I didn’t want to ruin the magic, either.”

My throat was tight again, but for a whole different reason, now.

Holy God.

I reached out, grabbing his hand in mine, almost like I needed to touch him to make sure this was real.

“I feel so good with you. I can’t explain it.”

“I can’t either,” he told me. “I thought I was just going nuts because I’d been in a dry spell, and… and I kept thinking you’d wake up one day and realize you’d made a huge mistake. I’m a guy. And not just a guy, a random nobody in Tennessee. And you’re… smart, and accomplished, and so cool.”

I puffed out a laugh even as another tear ran down my cheek. “I am not exactly cool, but I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

He squeezed my hand. “You actually want this? More of this?”

I bit my lower lip.

Swing for the fucking fences.

“Shane, I want to be your boyfriend,” I said. “Your real one. If you’d have me, I’d be happier than I’ve been in a long, long while.”

I saw a smile spread over his face like I hadn’t seen before. “Oh my God. I am the luckiest motherfucker in Tennessee. The luckiest on the planet, I think. What the hell? You want me? ”

“Hey, why is that so hard to believe?” I asked. “You’re hot as fuck, sweet and kind, and you just… you make me feel like I’m at home, or something. Shit. Sorry if that sounds cheesy.”

“Oh, fuck off,” he said, standing up and coming to pull me off of my chair.

I stood up and his arms were wrapped around me a moment later, pulling me as tight as he could and crushing his lips to mine.

As he kissed me, I felt the rest of the night melt away. The rest of the last few months melted away, actually.

Sure, a guy’s kiss couldn’t fix my entire life.

But goddamn, it could fix a whole lot.

“I still apologize for my family being over-the-top,” he said in between kisses, nuzzling up against my neck. “God, I can’t believe the shit my mom was saying.”

“I loved it,” I told him. I breathed in the clean scent of his hair, every cell in my body feeling magnetized to him.

He backed up, looking at me with his arms still wrapped around me.

“I can’t believe this is real.”

“Neither can I,” I told him. “It’s magic.”

He melted into my arms, and here at the edge of the yard, I just held him close.

Everything I wanted was right here, I realized.

Maybe I’d lost it all back in the city, but I’d found something real in the middle of Bestens, Tennessee. A guy-next-door in a quirky little saloon who turned out to be the best person I’d ever met.

“So when we walk back in there, we won’t be faking it anymore,” Shane said.

“I’m not sure I was ever faking it, to be honest.”

He leaned in to kiss me. “You definitely weren’t faking it when I made you come .”

“Hell no, I wasn’t.”

“And I’m going to want to do that a lot, just to warn you,” he told me.

“Threatening me with a good time.”

“Damn right.”

I ran my hand across his hair. “Let’s head back in before you freeze?”

“As a couple,” he said.

“I want to be the best fucking boyfriend you’ve ever had,” I told him, looking him dead in the eye and meaning every word of it.

His blue eyes sparkled and he gave me that killer smile.

“The best Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten.”